Find a life of your own.

Every year, like clockwork, I come back to post on this blog for my yearly recap. Even though I usually don't post on here, it feels good to make these posts, if only to have something to look back on and actually remember the year by (otherwise I'll just keep feeling like very year goes by in the span of seconds). So, here is my recap of this year!

2025 confronted me with a lot of new obstacles and as with last year, lots of change but this time with change that felt more profound and troubling. I have honestly still not processed change that happened at the beginning of this year. I usually don't admit this to people, but it always takes me around a year to become accustomed to big changes, as in for changes to no longer make me feel overwhelmed or stressed. But, since this year is almost over, maybe I will get there soon. But for now, let's get back to business as usual:

If you're new to these yearly recap posts, hi! I always structure these posts in two month interals as a guideline for me, otherwise I would just yap on forever and then you, as a reader, would get lost. Speaking of which: Enough yapping now, let's start!

January – February

The year already started out very intense. Last year, as you might recall, I eventually got offered a permanent position at the company where I had been doing my traineeship. I had been equally thrilled and terrified, what with me having done the traineeship there but still feeling like I had a lot to learn to catch up to the job I was supposed to be doing now. Thankfully, I had a lot of help from my colleagues (an it was a good lesson in unlearning to be scared of asking other people too many questions). Still, as January faded into February, pressure increased as we have two big projects each year and the first of the two was approaching fast.

Around that time, my partner and I decided to look for apartments, just for fun. At the end of last year, my flatmate had almost gotten a different apartment and it sent me into such a spiral that that alone was enough reason for me to search for an apartment of my own and of course finding an apartment with my partner would have been even better, as we were seeing each other most days of the week anyways at that point (and I was and am still obsessed with him oops). 

My favorite queer Christian artist Semler released an EP during this time and I love it. My favorite song on the EP is probably this one:

March – April

Soon after my partner and I decided to look around for apartments we got invited to look at an apartment that was in all regards perfect for us, except that he hasn't yet finished his studies and would have to also rely on his parents to afford the apartment (besides his job). He discussed this with his parents and eventually we came to the conclusion that I would move into his current apartment for now after all, as it was cheap, and that we would look for a bigger and proper apartment in 2026, when he finished his studies. As I have said in the beginning, I have a very hard time with changes, and I knew from prior experience that moving really overwhelms me. But thankfully my partner supported me a lot in organizing the move and talking to the relevant people, in selling a bunch of my stuff on ebay, etc. That I could rely on him made everything so much easier.

At the same time, the stressful period at work started properly. I spent most of the evenings coming home from work crying because everything was so new and I still felt like I knew nothing and had to ask 10.000 questions and also because of the daily social interactions with people I did not know very well. It was not necessarily the work itself that was stressful but everything that came with it. As such, I was very relieved when I finished the first of the two big projects in April. At the same time, a new work-related change was underway: Our office was fully transformed into an open space and at the end of April, we moved into our new offices.

Gracie Abrams released a live version of her unreleased song "Death Wish" during that time and I was OBSESSED with it (still am, to be honest). For the amount of times I listened to this song alone I have to include it in my list of memorable songs this year:

May – June

So that new office situation that I mentioned that was another big change for me? Yeah, that one really stressed me out. Still does, occasionally, though I have found some ways to cope. What I struggled with most were that we no longer had assigned desks, while at the same time not being provided enough desks for everyone so every day was a gamble on whether you would get to sit with your colleagues that you already know and liked or whether you had to sit with people you have never really talked with. I noticed that I struggled with this way more than my other colleagues seemed to. Since the whole situation also led to me coming home and having a mental breakdown like every other day, I confided in one of my colleagues and she actually gave me some very helpful advice that helped me alleviate some of the stress I was feeling.

While this was going on I was still approaching the finish line on another big change, moving in with my partner. I was so relieved when at the beginning of June, I officially moved in and was done with the for me most exhausting aspects of moving. Surprisingly, after I had moved in, it took me very little time to adjust to my new living situation (probably mostly because I had previously already spent half of my time at my boyfriend's apartment anyways oops).

Still, something felt off. Why is it that every time big changes approach I get completely knocked out from them for so long? During that time, Keara Graves uploaded a youtube video about how she got diagnosed with autism and while listening, my wheels started turning. A lot of her experiences resonated with me. And didn't that one person knew who was on the spectrum once tell me that I definitely have a lot of traits that could indicate that I was also on the spectrum? And could that be the reason why I have always struggled with change and why I have had a consistent routine for many, many years and become upset when I have to stray from it? And could that also explain my struggles in social situations which I had often described as "It just feels like other people have gotten a set of instructions of what you say when and mine somehow got lost in the mail"? And wasn't I always anxious approaching new social situations until I have observed them often enough, knew what to say when and could then copy that whenever I am in that situation? These and more questions and observations and memories all of a sudden burst to the surface. But they were also riddled with doubt: Was I appropriating the disability, was I just an imposter with a lot of social anxiety? My partner and I did some research and eventually made two appointments with different specialists who could maybe assess if my suspicion should be inspected further or whether I had gotten it all wrong. 

At the end of April, Lorde had finally returned with new music and I listened to What Was That also an obsessive amount of times. The song scratches such an itch for me!

July – August

July rolled around and with it my two appointments. The first one was really helpful; the therapist took me seriously and came to the conclusion that it could very well be that I was on the spectrum and encouraged me to seek a diagnosis to get a clear answer. She also encouraged me to contact my old therapist (with whom I had my last session last December) since I was obviously struggling with a lot at that time and needed help. My old therapist unfortunately was no longer available but with her help I pretty soon found a new therapist and started having regular sessions again. 

The other appointment was strange and I felt like my concerns were not taken seriously since I had "a job and a partner so you cannot be autistic". This appointment really discouraged me. Not so much because I was not okay with the idea of investigating this train of thought and coming to the conclusion that I was not on the spectrum, but rather because the specialist made me feel as if my intent was to impose a disability onto myself because it is "trendy" which is far from my intent.

Then, in August, a German youtuber I have been following for quite a while, uploaded a video sharing how she was recently diagnosed with autism and how that went, but also her characteristics and struggles which made her think she might be on the spectrum in the first place. Watching this video, I was hit with a strong feeling of "Wait. This is me. She has almost the same struggles as me and she got diagnosed with autism. Maybe I was not so silly to think I might be on the spectrum after all". She also shared where she received her diagnosis and that the place was specialized in diagnosing high-masking individuals so I applied for an appointment there, too. I should be off of the wait list very soon, though (fun fact! To undergo a diagnosis you have to wait ages for an appointment and I will only have my appointment soon since I am privileged enough to pay for it out of my own pockets🙃)! I hope that by February next year, I will have had the appointments and will have finally received some clarity.

In August, my favorite album of the year was released: Wishbone by Conan Gray! My favorite song is still This Song (how can a song so perfectly encapsulate the feeling of a teenage romance and of running through a field in summer and nostalgia??) but I also adore Vodka Cranberry, My World, Connell and THE ENTIRE ALBUM OK??? I cannot choose favorites, these songs are like children to me.

September – October

At the end of August, my partner and I started our roadtrip to Ireland, where we spent the first two weeks of September! I had lived in Ireland for two months in 2022 and was so excited to a) show my partner all of the places that were important to me during that time and b) explore the parts of the country which I hadn't had the chance to visit back then! 

At work, the second big project of the year rolled around in October. This time, I felt better equipped and only really felt stressed out as its last week approached. It was, however, also a time of long hours at work and not really thinking about anything else for the month. I always joke to my friends that during these two big projects per year I basically have to disappear off of the face of the earth for a bit since work is eating me alive. However, during the time of the second project I at least manage to do some fun stuff during the weekends, like going to a book signing of two of my long-time favorite youtubers and spending some quality time with friends (for example my friend and I saw this queer indie animation movie called Lesbian Space Princess and it was soo good). Oh and at the end of October I cut my hair into a bixie! Katherine Langford had cut her hair in this style this year and I was obsessed with it and I had wanted to try out shorter hair for a while and I love it.

I have to give a shoutout to The Life of a Showgirl here. It's still not my favorite Taylor album but I still enjoy the songs! I have to give a shoutout to Opalite here because my friend and I went to the release weekend movie for the album and the absolute joy in the room when that song played was impeccable (also an extra special shoutout to Eldest Daughter because that song made me cry the first couple of times I listened to it).

November – December

Unfortunately, work became stressful again, only in a different way. Without going too much into detail it involved people talking behind other people's back and overall a feeling of not being taken as seriously as you wish you were. The whole situation is not yet fixed but I really hope that it'll get better soon because it has really been dragging me down emotionally and made me not enjoy work that much when I actually love what I'm doing.  

In November and December I however also went to a bunch of concerts! My favorite concert out of them was probably the Lorde concert. I loved the visuals and just as with my last Lorde concert, I feel like her shows really make way to be euphoric and silly in the best way. Also hearing Green Light live is just always the best experience ever. And we accidentally ended up at what would become the b-stage at the end of the show! So I can now say that Ella ran straight past me which is wild. I have also become even more obsessed with Favourite Daughter in the lead-up to the concert and could honestly ramble for hours about how Lorde tied the mother-daughter theme throughout her album, but I digress.

All in all, 2025 was a difficult year for me in that I struggled with change and with trying to figure out who I am. But despite all of that, I also learned a ton: How being vulnerable with others pays off and how setting boundaries that you think other people might find weird people might not find weird at all. And that taking vitamin d and agnus castus (the latter against my pms depressive episodes) can actually already make your life so much more better lol. I hope 2026 will be the year in which I learn even more about myself and keep growing and persisting despite it all.

See you next year,

xxx Sarah