Find a life of your own.

I want to start this off by saying, again, sorry for not posting so much, I haven't really felt inspired lately I guess but the topic of this post is something that has been and still is on my mind and I thought posting about it on here might help me sort through my thoughts (& help others who experience similar things).

So, when I was a kid, not being straight was never really an option for me. I personally wasn't homophobic, but as you guys know my mum was (and still is), so I never really ever questioned myself in that way. I think I was 13 or 14 when one of my favorite German youtubers came out as bisexual and the first time I heard that term something just clicked for me, but again, I figured I would already know if I wasn't straight.

So I'm not gonna reiterate the entire story of my coming out again, since I already made a post about this on my blog. Long story short, I realized I was bi and I was okay. It took me a little while after I first started seriously thinking about it but then I was 100% positive about it.

Last year, I met my now girlfriend. And although I had thought "maybe I'm not bi, maybe I'm just secretly gay/straight" before, these intrusive thoughts increased during this time. I saw the realities of what it is like to really date a girl and while it was beautiful, but it also increased my anxiety. It was like this realization that dawned upon me that this coming out process will never end for me and I will always live with the fear that every new person I meet could end up hating me if they knew I wasn't straight. Like, I will never be able to escape that. And it really messed with my head.

I recently watched "Love, Victor" (which you might have seen by the numerous posts I made about this show on tumblr oops) and at some point Victor says "maybe I can be normal and happy" and "I just don't want my life to be this hard" and it hit me SO hard because I have had these thoughts so so many times lately. Like, I'm bi, so why don't I just fall in love with a guy instead, I mean I truly do have it easier than gay people, I could just choose to be straight and then everything will be fine and... You see where I'm going. I didn't even realize my own internal biphobia, which was me constantly telling myself that I cannot be bisexual or live my identity as such.

It also doesn't help that I have spent the past three or four months at home. My dad doesn't really talk to me about my girlfriend (though he seems relatively chill about it) but my mum is telling me at least once a week that homosexuality is a work of the devil and you can imagine what this does to your mind, even if you rationally KNOW that it is not true. Whenever she says this, a tiny part of me just wants to throw everything I worked on so far away and just pretend I'm straight because it's just easier and I don't have to disappoint anyone. My mum also constantly insinuates that I should keep my sexuality a secret for the rest of my life. And I don't even know why I comply with that but I do, out of fear to be rejected by everyone I know. But isn't it necessary to be brave sometimes to live your best life? I always try to recall Taylor's words in her ELLE magazine article, when she said "We have to live bravely in order to feel truly alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears". I still try to find a way to work around that, to internalize this tought of "it's okay to be who I am and I do not need to hide to make others more comfortable".

What I'm trying to say is overcoming internalized homo- or biphobia is a lifelong process. We live in an inherently heteronormative society and we have to actively make an effort to question and change this belief system. Not only allies, but also we as the lgbt community ourselves. There might be days where we feel proud of who we are but sometimes we might cave and hate ourselves for it again. And I just want to say that that's okay. It's a rollercoaster rather than a staircase, it isn't possible to ever reach a point where we never, not a single day, sometimes think that it'd be better if we were straight. All we can do is keep pushing and keep getting off the ground again and reminding ourselves that we deserve a good life. We deserve happiness. We deserve love. Even and especially when we don't believe in it ourselves.

xxx Sarah

To start it off, I genuinely never thought I would reach a mark like this, ever. Like I so vividly remember being 14 and thinking, okay I’m gonna start this journey but I don’t truly believe I will actually be able to keep going. Yet here I am. Huh.

I feel like so much about myself has changed over the past year. I feel like a totally different person compared to back then but also still the same? If that makes sense. When I read through last year’s post this morning I felt kind of estranged by it but at the same time I can definitely recall how I was feeling last year. (btw, if you want to read through each year’s post, here are some links: 2019 2018 2017 2016)

Okay, enough nostalgia, here’s some stuff I was struggling with over the past year and new things I’ve learned.

The past year has been a year of many changes for me. First of all, I had to let go of someone who for a long time really supported me through difficult times, but changed and left me feeling bad about myself. It has actually taken multiple attempts to finally cut things off, and while I do feel sad and angry about it quite a bunch of times, I know it was the right decision in the end. And I’m proud of myself for pulling through with this, for finally standing up for my self-worth for once. Because I deserve more than people who treat me shitty.

Moreover, this quarantine time has really taken a toll on me and my mental health. I find myself obsessing over the way my body looks in a way I genuinely have never before since I barely move outside at the moment. I’ve also had some really, really dark days. What helps me get through it is focusing on my uni work and regularly exercising and going outside.

I’m getting more and more comfortable with my sexuality. I’m out to my parents now, and while sometimes their homophobic behavior really wears me down, I know I can get through it because I have the most amazing friends who support me as much as they can. Honestly, so many of them have offered to let me stay with them in case my parents react extremely negatively and I’m so, so thankful for that. (I actually still get a little teary-eyed when I think about that)

But probably the biggest change, the one that truly changed my life completely, was my girlfriend. It’s kind of funny, because you can plan for things like falling in love as much as you want but then you still end up finding it in the most unexpected places, at the most unexpected of times. In retrospect, we both chose actually the worst time to fall in love with each other, but it still worked out. Because we both wanted it to.

And honestly, just being around my girlfriend has made me more confident. She is really confident herself, and I admire that so much about her, that it makes me want to go outside of my comfort zone more. She also opened me up to the world of fashion omg! I mean, of course I was a little bit interested in it before, but I’ve never really consciously used fashion to express myself and even though I’m still at the beginning, it’s so much fun already and it really boosts my self-confidence to wear something I feel like I look great in.

As I’ve never been in a relationship before, I had to really closely examine my behaviors and habits and recognize toxic behavior that I have used in the past when it came to love and actively work to better myself. One of such things is communication. Perhaps you know how long it took me to really learn that it’s okay for me to tell others about my problems and my feelings, that I’m not a burden for doing so. With her, I realized that when it came to romantic encounters, my “strategy” with dealing with arising problems was mope about it on here but never actually talking to the other person and communicating my issues and working through them. But this time, I really wanted things to work out so badly, so now whenever I feel upset about something, I just tell her. And we talk through it. And most of all, she doesn’t mind that I sometimes overthink stuff and might interpret things wrong, she always is the epitome of patience and love and that is honestly so refreshing.

And through her eyes, I start seeing things that I thought were my flaws in an entirely new light. For example, she likes that I think so much about stuff and thinks it’s actually cute that I always have the need to always express my feelings at all times. I used to think I was “too much” for people, that I have to stop feeling things so intensely and that people will only find that annoying. Now I know it is my biggest asset. And that has also changed my relationship to other people, as I have noticed that it’s okay to just freely express my feelings because the right ones will always understand them, and you might feel even closer to them. She makes me bold and brave and these are two adjectives I never would’ve used to describe myself before.

So, this was my past year. I don’t know in what mental health state I will be this time next year, this time in three years, in five years. But maybe that’s also the fun about it. The unpredictability of where you’ll end up and what you will have learned.

Thank you to anyone who has ever sent me messages cheering me up when I was feeling down. It means more to me than words could ever express. Thank you. I love you <3

xxx Sarah

I don't know about you but I feel A LOT. like a lot a lot. And all of the time. I cry easily, I get sad over small things but also feel extreme joy when good things happen. And on top of that, my mind is like a hamster running in his wheel, just like 24/7.

Because of that, I have spent most of my life not sharing the entire scope of my feelings. Whether that was downright lying and saying "I'm fine" (I've lost count of how many times I've said that tbh) or making up some other excuse or dodging questions or just withholding information when I was asked. I think I might have talked about this in some year recap post on here, too, and that it was my resolution (and has been for a long time) to learn to be more honest end upfront with my emotions despite being so scared of it leaving me vulnerable.

Because there's indeed a vulnerability in sharing your uncensored mind. And too often - an experience some of you guys probably share - when we actually step out of our comfort zone and tell others what we are dealign with, we are being ridiculed or the other person just does not get it at all. And then we retrieve even further, we tell ourselves "see, this is why I hide my feelings, it's for the better" and it becomes even more seldom that we have the courage to open up to someone.

And then, as most of you know, I got into a relationship. And by doing so, it was time to acknowledge my unhealthy behaviors and actively trying to work against them, if I did not want to risk losing someone so incredibly right for me. Sure, a *lot* of my past heartbreaks were results of me just straight up falling for people who were extremely toxic and not good for me. But that's not the entire picture. I started to recognize that my own anxiety when it comes to relationships and my refusal to tell others when something hurt me, or even just my refusal to share my anxiety with them so that they'd know why I react a certain way sometimes, also damaged the potential right from the beginning.

So I started just telling the person I am with about whatever is taking up space in my mind. Instead of just making frustrated tumblr posts (though I do love chatting about everything with you guys). And yes, I know that I'm lucky, being with someone who makes opening up seem like a nice walk in the sun instead of a legitimate rabbit hole, someone who never judges me for what I'm feeling. But the point is, if you meet someone, and you do not even try to open up to them, to see how they react and if they would be a positive influence in your life, you never know. You could either know much sooner if something isn't right, or you could end up missing out on building a profond relationship with someone because of your anxiety.

And this doesn't just apply to romantic encounters. Two years ago, my best friend and I got even closer and now we just talk to each other about everything. And it's such a relief to be honest. Before that, I think we were both scared to a certain extent of how the other person would react, but now we share an even deeper bond and there's not a day that goes by without me being grateful for having her in my life. Now, imagine if we hadn't taken that first leap. We'd still be best friends, for sure, but we would have missed out on reaching this "next level" of friendship, a level on which you have this one person with whom you never have to filter your thoughts. And, like I said, I can only describe it as a huge relief.

So if you take anything away from this ramble-like post, let it be this: It's always worth opening up to people. Don't let your anxiety tell you otherwise. Try it out. The worst thing that could happen is that you can finally and easily sort out the toxic people in your life.

Until next time,

xxx Sarah

Some time ago, I read a post about how as a woman, you are used to always see yourself from the inside and the outside. No matter what you are doing, you are always thinking about what you look like doing this gesture and what people might think if you say this or that and how this could come off as "bossy" or that as "being a prude".

I kind of forgot about it for a while but I recently started thinking about it again whenever I told myself "don't say/do this, or they will think you're annoying". Like, can you believe (and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there) I constantly have this inner monologue going on, examining my every move and classifying everything as "annoying/too much" or "okay"? And I never even questioned it? Why is it the normalcy for women to talk themselves down all the time to appear "humble"?

Since we are little girls, we are taught that appearance matters. What other think of us matters. And I mean, that's not even just a female-specific thing, everyone of us is aware of how others see us. But I feel like we, as women, are told to prioritize the thoughts and feelings of others above our own. Apologize for taking up too much space. Don't speak your thoughts, or else you might scare them away. You're not worthy of love, you have to prove yourself to be worthy of it. Maybe it comes from the whole "the princess gets saved by the prince and that's it, you cannot do it yourself" thing. Like as if everything depends on being loved by someone, and if you don't have it, you live a miserable life.

Obviously, times are changing and there are more progressive movements nowadays. But I still feel like girls are told to shrink themselves to make men comfortable. We are supposed to blend into the background instead of being the center of attention, because otherwise we are needy and no one would want a woman like that.

Maybe I'm diving too much into philosophical questions here, and I sure cannot blame the patriarchy for all of my insecurities, but I feel like it helps to acknowledge that some of the self-destructing thoughts I'm having are influenced by how society sees or rather wants to see women. Whenever I'm telling myself I'm "annoying" or "too much", I stop and think about whether that is actually true or whether I have just been taught that being myself deserves no space in society. When I express my thoughts, and I'm later scolding myself for doing so for probably being "embarrassing", I try to tell myself I'm not, and that I am allowed to let people know how I feel. Whenever I am scared or moody, I allow myself to express those moods, to tell people I'm interacting with that this is what I'm feeling instead of swallowing my hurt down so as to not "burden" them with my feelings. Your feelings are never, EVER, a burden. No matter what your head tries to tell you. And if your loved ones try to tell you that, then they don't deserve to have you in their lives. Because the right people will understand you, or try to understand you. They won't leave you stranded just because of who you are. You do not have to be "mysterious" to seem appealing, you do not have to hide the beauty of your inner emotional world. Because it IS beautiful. I have come to learn that.

I deserve to take up space. I deserve to voice my opinion. I deserve to express my feelings and not have to justify them, because other people don't get to have a say in whether you should be hurt or not. If you are hurt, no rational reasoning why you shouldn't be can change that. I'm not too much, I'm an entire fucking universe and the people who are not ready to handle its beauty don't deserve a space in my life.

If you take anything away from this ramble/me expressing my muddled thoughts post, let it be this: Next time you are putting yourself down, ask yourself whether what you are saying is actually true, or whether it's just your attempt at trying to shrink yourself to make others more comfortable. Our inner monologue only remains a monster if we do not learn to turn it into a dialogue.

xxx Sarah

Welcome back to the annual round of my year recap! Honestly, so many things happened this year that it feels like I've been living three lives in one (funnily enough, that's what I wrote in last year's post as well) and I hope I can somehow narrow it down, I'll try my best!

My New Year's resolution last year was to lie less, but before I come back to that, here is my more detailed recap of the iconic 20biteen:

1) family
Sometime after my grandpa died, I told my mum, half-jokingly, half serious, that I feel like she never listens to anything I ever say and she actually apologized for it - yay! Other than that, I have grown closer to my family in some ways, and further distanced myself in other ways.

My dad's father passed away this May and now we're only "left with" my dad's mum and I've been trying to show her how much I like her, because I found myself regretting a lot of things when my other grandparents died. I also found out a LOT more about our family's history, like stuff my mum for some reason has never told me before (like my dad's parents love story or just like basically the whole abusive relationship my aunt used to be in).

I'm also an aunt now! And just so you know, my niece and my nephew are the cutest little babies to exist, not an ad just facts.

But the biggest aspect what concerns family this year was the fact that I (unfortunately) had to lie a lot. Mainly about attending pride parades or rather pretending I wasn't at them and also more recently about my girlfriend. I hate having to lie so much, but there simply was no way around that (though that may change next year, who knows).

2) friends
If you remember last year's post, I was pretty hurt over a long-term friend simply leaving. (I can't believe this actually happened this year, because it feels so long ago?? But) At the beginning of March, my French class from highschool met up and I saw her again. It was pretty weird for me, especially since she went right up to me and hugged me, as if she didn't make me feel miserable for months on end. But 2018 me was right, time and patience can heal a lot of things. And they did. I haven't actively thought about her for at least four months and honestly, I could care less about her. We don't hold onto the past when the present is so good, now, do we? ;)

I've had so many good times with my friends this year, it's honestly difficult to recall them all, but, as I said, I will try.

My best friend and I have grown even closer ever since I've first came out to her last year, but that feeling intensified this year when she found out she's not straight herself. Ever since then, we've had so many really deep conversations about stuff that we were usually reluctant to share and I'm just so grateful to have her in my life. She's also my biggest supporter when it comes to my sexuality and when she accidentally told her mum about me being bi, her mum said that if I ever choose to out myself in front of my parents, I can count on them in case my parents ever kick me out of the house or do anything similar to that. I will never not be grateful for the support of people, especially since I'm not getting it from my family.

I've also had so many fun times at concerts this year. Josy and I attended both a Maddy and a Troye Sivan concert at the beginning of this year and we honestly had so much fun together and I just adore being concert buddies with her. At the end of this year, we also attended another Maddy concert with Julia and it was one of the best nights ever. The two of them have also consistently had my back ever since they found out I'm bi and they actually held up my pride flag with me at Maddy's concert and it will forever mean so much too me, I don't think I can ever really put it into words.

Apart from that, I've also gotten to know so many incredible people on tumblr this year, people who have sent me the nicest messages and made me smile so often that I have to mention it here. Even though we never met: I love you. And thank you.

3) love
Boy, oh boy, this is where 20biteen really came through.

I ended last year's post by saying that I've become really close friends with my first girl crush but that it's okay the way it is. Up until approximately June that was true, but then things went a path I didn't foresee and actually never thought would happen. It started with us meeting up a lot, like so many times in a short span, and many moments that nearly led to me telling her I once had a crush on her. This then culminated in the middle of August, when she directly confronted me about it and I confessed it to her. Most suprprisingly, her response was that she thinks she used to have feelings for me as well (she had told me a couple of weeks earlier that she thinks she's bi, too). First, we joked it off like "haha timing sucks lmao, too late now anyways" (especially since she would leave for her year abroad in like two weeks) but then she really wanted to know if there was any spark left between us and this then resulted in my first kiss. Afterwards, we unanimously settled on the fact that the feelings have disappeared for both of us and that we're better off as friends but things got really awkward since then. At my birthday, we talked on the phone and she was incredibly rude to me and that was kind of the starting point when I realized how toxic whatever we had was. And I felt so used and ashamed, because I had let a person treat me like shit for two years on the premise that maybe, someday, I might be enough for her and she will like me back. And you don't even notice the damage that does to your mental health until you cut a person like that off and meet someone new.

Because that is what happened. Right after said phone call, I was so mad at my first girl crush, that I signed up for a dating app called HER, purely out of spite (she basically said I suck at all things love-related so that triggered my "I can totally do what you say I can't do" response). I didn't think it would go anywhere to be honest, especially considering the experience I had had with dating apps before. I also had a lowkey highkey crush on a (really hot) girl from an lgbt club at my uni so I was so caught up in that that anything ever happening just seemed completely unlikely to me.

However, one day, a girl swiped right on my picture on said app, and since she seemed to live pretty close by, I figured "why not give it a chance?", at this point just wanting to find more lgbt friends if I'm being honest. I still remember how we quickly got caught up in that usual "how are you?" basic stuff circle when one day she was like "okay let's skip this basic stuff, I hate it, here are some fun facts about me" and I remember thinking to myself that that's so cool, to meet someone who hates small talk as well but also is brave enough to just like bolt it out. What texting with her mostly taught me is that if someone really wants to get to know you, they will make an effort. That doesn't mean that you have to text every minute of every day, but that even if the conversation begins to fade out, the other person makes an effort to revive it. Because they've decided that they want to get to know you. And that was the strangest but also most thrilling feeling, knowing that someone is as invested in you as you are in them. Four weeks after we first messaged each other, we went on our first date (at this point I already liked her so much, especially since I found out that we are so similar in so many ways and since she even seems to get the ways in which we aren't, and does not judge me for it) and it was so magical that we totally forgot that time passed and ended up spending four hours just walking around town talking about our favorite childhood memories and our passions. I'll skip the in between because I don't want this post to get too long but on December 15, we officially became a couple and I'm honestly so happy. She makes my life so much better and it feels like, for the first time, I've met someone who I can trust and who cares about me and my personality more than looks or faces I put on in public.

4) general state of mind
I've actually been doing really, really good this year. I moved out in May, which was absolutely terrifying but benefitted my mental health so much because I didn't have to tiptoe around my parents anymore. I've got a job at book shop, which was also horrifying for me, like the whole process of having to call the store up, introducing myself, having a test day of work and all of that but it allowed me to grow so much and to become more comfortable in who I am. Of course there were hardships but I'm just really proud of how I handled them. And I genuinely think the best is yet to come. No matter what, I will persevere.

5) my favorite moments of 2019
I actually stuck with my resolution of making a list of all the happy moments of this year. Here are my favorite ones:

a) being at Josy's birthday party and singing our favorite songs for like one to two hours

b) attending Troye's concert and confidently screaming yes when he asked if "there are people in this room who are not straight", feeling so accepted for who I am

c) passing all of my first semester's exams with quite good marks!

d) moving out

e) attending my friend's prom and feeling confident, even despite meeting people who treated me like shit in highschool again

f) attending two pride parades, marching the streets while dancing to YMCA and running around with a free hugs sign and receiving so many heartfelt hugs that honestly made me feel whole again

g) getting a job

h) Lover being released

i) meeting my girlfriend<3

j) holding a pride flag with Josy&Julia at Maddy's concert

k) literally any time Taylor has liked any post of mine, especially the ones about my sexuality

So what is my resolution for 2020? 
First of all, I should probably answer the question whether I achieved my goal of lying less in 2019. I think when it comes to the truly important people in my life I did. And what that did was make my friendships even profonder and I'm never not grateful for that. I am lucky to have friends who genuinely care about my well-being and don't judge me, no matter what.

When it comes to 2020, I want to build up some self-confidence again. The toxic relationship I was in for so long really made all my insecurites come out again and I want to actively work on feeling better about myself again. I want to be more me than I have ever been, whatever that me is.

So that's it, I guess. Goodbye 20biteen, and hello new decade. I'm thrilled to find out what challenges but also what kind of amazing moments you'll have in store for me. See you soon.

xxx Sarah

The first time I ever came out was in a tumblr group chat. Well, it was not coming out per se, for I had just discovered that I might have feelings for this girl but I didn't know how to categorize them, so I just wrote a text about this situation, ending it with "does this mean that I'm... bi?". Thankfully, the people on there (if any of you read this - hi!!) were really helpful and supportive and just said I don't have to label myself, that I should just wait and see how my feelings towards this person evolve.

So I did. And they became stronger. So strong, that I figured it would be good to tell somebody I personally know. So I told this girl called Julia, which I had met that same year on tumblr and with whom I went to a concert a few months prior because it felt safe. She had only known me for a bit so it was less scary, I guess. I think I texted her something along the lines of "I might have feelings for a girl".

When I came out to my best friend over the phone, I still couldn't bring myself to actually say the words "I'm bi". Again, I just told her that I caught feelings for someone of the same sex but that was it. Even when I came out in person to what was my first girl crush, I still couldn't form the words. "I think I don't only like men" was what I said. I still vividly remember this because before that, I had been struggling to bring out the term "bisexual" for around fifteen minutes, until I eventually gave up and settled with this.

Why am I writing all of this when I practically already summed it up in my "how I knew I was bi" post? Well, because I have recently become aware of the fact how difficult it still is for me to out myself. Don't get me wrong, when I'm out with my friends, I practically throw in the word "bisexual" so often that you'd think labelling myself as such comes easy to me. But it's actually not. I'm still not out to the majority of people in my life. Yes, okay, for some I have valid reasons, but I think for the most part I'm just hesitant to them possibly, as a result, changing their view of me. Or maybe being a fraud after all, what if I'm straight and I imagined it all, then I would be another stereotypical bisexual who reinforces people's notion that bisexuals don't exist and are actually straight!! (to sum up my thought process)

This has become painfully aware to me when a few guys had flirted with me over the past few months. Afterwards, I always told my friends "this is so silly, I'm not interested in men at the moment anyways" and they were like "well just say you're only into women, who cares". Or how I thought about just sneakily and indirectly telling that dude from my photography class that I'm currently dating someone. Like, I'd just need to say something like "Oh, my girlfriend and I thought about going there, too!" (PSA that we're not girlfriends yet but she's the only one I'm interested in, alas, it is actually not that far from the truth) and last week I had the perfect opportunity to do so but I just. Didn't. I couldn't physically form the words "my girlfriend". Not only because they're not 100% accurate, but because that'd mean that there's one more person knowing about my secret, one more way my road back to "normality" is blocked.

And I know that's fucked up. I LOVE being gay, like I don't wish I could go back to when I thought I was straight. But I'm so terrified of people thinking of me differently because of something as actually unsignificant as my sexuality. And then I become obsessed with that thought and I mentally go through a list of people I know and think about how they would react and how they woud see me and judge me after knowing I'm bi and I just get so stuck. And I wish being proud of who I am would just come more naturally, you know. I don't know.

Maybe I just need to realize that it's okay to be scared, but it's even more important to keep going despite it. To find the happiness you've been searching for. I think.

xxx Sarah