Find a life of your own.

The last couple of weeks I've spend a lot of time thinking and reading about thoughts (you'll hopefully get what I mean by that by the end of this post). I've learned so many things now, and I wish someone had told me earlier that just because you have thoughts like "what if I end up doing xy bad thing" that doesn't mean that it will actually happen. I thought I'd make this post for my fellow chronic overthinkers out there to share what has helped me recently so maybe it can help you, too (Beware that this will probably be a longer post than usual). I'll list some resources I've found useful at the end as well :) (Also pls notice that this is not meant as a cure all and you should always consult with a therapist when in doubt)

    My relationship with my thoughts has always been a strained one. Like I've said, I'm a chronic overthinker to the point that fellow overthinkers I know have even told me they don't even overthink as much as I do (wow, what a sentence). The earliest memory I have of really overthinking myself into an unhelpful state was when I was little and couldn't fall asleep most of the time. I think it all started with me lying in bed one day wondering if one might be able to notice the exact moment when one falls asleep (spoiler alert: you can't) , then I pushed that thought away because I wanted to, well, sleep. What this did is that it took me until I was, like, 14 to not get really anxious any time I was about to go to sleep and to actually be able to sleep over at a friend's house without pushing myself (through my thoughts) into panicking. Of course, I have improved in that aspect but ever since I've started spending time thinking about my sometimes obsessive thoughts, I've come to realize that this thoughts spiral has accompanied me (with different topics of course) throughout my entire life. The first six months of this year, for example, were, to sum it up, horrible. I got really caught up in what-if scenarios, to the point where I a) felt like I was not really here anymore and b) where I couldn't really give others the attention they deserve. I distinctively remember telling my girlfriend that I feel like I'm a different person who's not really ME whenever I would get in these thought spirals for weeks or even months. Now, looking back, I know how it started: I had a random thought that went something like "What if I did [xy horrible thing]/ What if [xy horrible thing] happened?". Because I've been always taught to counter my thoughts (more on that later), I immediately started telling myself off, like "Shut up, you know this is never going to happen, look at xyz". What I didn't realize is that because of that, I gave my thoughts even more power. Suddenly this little what-if scenario, this little thought which normally would've passed over in a few minutes became the ruler of my mind. I would think about that hypothetical scenario multiple times a day, making myself feel miserable in the process. Albeit, thinking is not the truth, I rather noticed the thought arose and I pushed it back down denying myself to think it. And, well, as you can guess, this all made it worse.

    So much about my own story. And I’ve found that intrusive thoughts can really be about anything: Your body, social situations, that one thing that you did wrong when you were 10 that still haunts you when you are trying to fall asleep and makes you cringe. And, what's more, you usually don't even realize those thoughts are intrusive. After all, we think we ARE our thoughts, that they define who we truly are, deep down, right? At least that has been my belief for the past twenty years of my life. The first time I read the sentence "you are not your thoughts" I panicked: "But if I'm not my thoughts, who am I then? Then there's nothing anymore that makes me me" but I soon come to realize that it just means that whatever thoughts arise in you are not reflective of who you are as a person. So, for example, you might get an intrusive thought like "What if I end up betraying that person's trust? Maybe I'm too selfish to be close to them. Yes, I am selfish, and I should do something about it. Maybe I should just stop spending time to avoid that this bad thing ever happens". But just because you think those things, doesn't mean they are something you truly want. I've come to see my mind as an unreliable narrator. In a book I've recently read, the author explained it the following way: Imagine your friend isn't replying to you for, let's say, more than 24 hours. Your mind starts coming to the worst conclusions "Oh my God, they must hate me. Or maybe they got into an accident. Maybe my wording was off. Maybe they want to break off our friendship.". Then, a couple of hours later, your friend texts you back to say they were visiting someone and they brought you a small gift from their trip. Now your mind is happy, you feel grateful about this person and you forget that just hours before your mind was convinced the other person wanted nothing to do with you anymore. That is what I mean by unreliable narrator: Your mind changes opinions faster than other people change clothes, yet we still tend to take these thoughts at face value. What's more, your thoughts are not objective (no matter how hard your mind tries to convince you that you are, indeed, gonna get into a car accident on your way to work today), they are impacted by past experiences. If you had a friend like that who gave you this kind of advice, you'd dump them. A quote I wrote down from this book I was reading was this: "Your mind is always telling you that you have to change something outside to solve your inner problems. But if you are wise, you won't play this game. You'll realize that the advice your mind is giving you is psychologically damaged advice. Your mind's thoughts are disturbed by fears." So why do we still accept our thoughts as truthful and accurate as to who we are?

    Essentially, thinking is a way to exert control over our outside world. We think if we just think about stuff long enough, we actually have an influence about them. Spoiler alert: We don't. My mind at least was convinced that if I just thought about every possible scenario hard enough, I'd be prepared for whatever is to come and that then would change the outcome. How often has ruminating about things that haven't even happened yet really changed anything? Never. Things will happen, and you cannot stop them from happening. So, you might as well embrace the uncertainty instead of spending your entire energy trying to control something that is uncontrollable. Another quote: "What your mind is doing is making up external situations that might make things more comfortable. But the external situation is not the cause fo your inner problem. They are merely an attempt to solve the problem." Not to mention that these thoughts are holding you back (One of the books I was reading said we are constantly trying to protect or defend ourselves from our pain which is actually a very useless task because we start building our life around not getting hurt which is, well, tedious. But that's a bit off topic). 

    So, what do I now do whenever intrusive thoughts arise? The first mistake I've stopped making is pushing away these thoughts that scare me. Because that's essentially what it was: I'd get a "what if" thought and just having this thought instantly terrified me, because does this mean xyz? As already mentioned, I gave them more power by actually ignoring them. I've also stopped constantly trying to talk back at my thoughts, which basically felt like having to unravel a whole life concept. You actually do not need to comment your thought at all. I let an anxious thought arise and then I just say to myself "Okay, you are a thought. And I'm not scared of you. In fact, I'm letting you sit in the chair in front of me. You are not a signal, not a warning. You may be disturbing, you may make me anxious, but you are not anxious. You are just a thought." Doing this alone has helped me so much because it takes away the power of the thought. It also separates yourself from your thoughts; because as I've already said, you are NOT your thoughts and talking about them from an outsider's perspective helps detaching yourself from it. Or, at times, I just tell myself "Okay. Maybe this will happen, or maybe not." This felt very scary to me at first because I thought if I show any acceptance of my thought, it will make it real. Actually, the opposite was the case: It stopped me from diving headfirst into a spiral because it stopped me from longing for that 100% certainty which I would never get, anyway.

    What I also do in that outsider's perspective is that I just do a quick check whenever bad feelings arise. Let's say I need to make a phone call, and I am absolutely terrified of it (as always). My mind tells me I'm gonna embarrass myself, the person at the other end of the line will think I'm weird and it will be an overall horrible experience. To detach myself from my thoughts, I tell myself, "Okay. You are feeling anxious. You are thinking that you'll have to bury yourself after this phone call." Just this simple distinction alone makes me snap out of my thought spiral and actually notice what's going on in my mind. If that still does not help, I've learned this four-part strategy to approaching and breaking down anxious thoughts: 

    1) How likely is it that this thing I am afraid of will happen? (In my anxious mind, I almost always reply 99% but see how you can never be 100% sure of it? that leaves at least the 1% chance of it going okay) 

    2) How awful would it be if this thing happened? (Would I really have to move into the woods to be never seen again or would the dentist's assistant forget who I was after a couple days max anyways?)

    3) How well would I be able to cope? (So, presuming I'll embarrass myself, so what? I've embarrassed myself countless of times already and I'm still standing. I'm not going to die if it happens.)

    4) What support can I get? And: Will others really care? (The second question ties in with point to. Support can be friends who talk you up or just maybe writing down what I'm going to say so if I blackout, I've got something to draw back to.)

     One of the books also talked about emotions and thoughts as being part of an energy cycle. Don't get freaked out - I thought it was very spiritual, too but you do not have to actually think you have this energy to imagine it. If I get a thought or a feeling, I imagine this thought or feeling to enter my energy cycle. But everything that enters eventually leaves unless I stop it from doing so. Let's say I stumbled over my feet while getting on the train (something that has happened to me way too many times already rip) while everyone was watching me. I can a) delve into this feeling of embarrassment, either by pushing it away or ruminating over the situation for hours or days on end, scolding myself for what happened. Or b) I can appreciate that it's just a feeling, like happiness, or a thought that I experience. Nothing more, nothing less. I let it enter my energy system, flow through it and exit again, like a wave in the ocean (sometimes I even visually picture it that way to support this).

    I know some of this sounds overly simplified and I truly cannot explain it as well as the people who have talked about this in depth have, so if you want to really get to the bottom of it, here are some sources which helped me:

    1) the book "You Will Get Through This Night" by Daniel Howell: Literally would recommend this book to anyone, really, it contains tons of useful tips.

    2) This YouTube video: Helped me to grasp the basics of what is going on inside of my head and to start to re-evaluate my thoughts.

    3) the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A.Singer: Sometimes does feel overly simplified and is at times very spiritual. BUT it is very easy to understand and it fundamentally changed my overthinking tendencies.

    I hope some of this helped at least one person. If I had had someone back then who had told me that I am not crazy for thinking my thoughts and that these thoughts are not a reflection of who I am, I might not have gotten stuck in my thought spiral for so long this year. I guess if you take only one thing away from this, let it be this: "You are not your thoughts."

xxx Sarah

June is, as you probably know, Pride month, a month of celebrating the LGBTQIA+ community. Pride about being who we are, loving who we are, and living the way we want to live our lives. But pride also means "not ashamed". The opposite of being ashamed. And I guess I've just been thinking a lot about this dichotomy, these two polar opposites. If you're out, you are supposed to be proud of who you are, leaving the shame within the closet. Likewise, if you're still in the closet, it is kind of expected that you feel shameful about your sexuality to some extent. I personally think the two of them are not an either-or case but rather a spectrum.

To explain, I recently was going through a difficult time mentally. I get into those moods sometimes where I just want to shut everyone out for a while because the thoughts in my head get really loud and then I cannot focus on anything else but them. And then I've resurfaced two weeks or so ago, meaning I felt like I was finally me again, if that makes sense. And I've begun to look back on my thought spirals during that time and was surprised to find how much shame regarding my sexuality still lives within me, despite being halfway out. For example, I often feel almost guilty for my feelings for my girlfriend and have regularly found myself kind of shutting them out, not allowing myself to feel them because that would mean I am most definitely not straight. Which I 100% am. Don't get me wrong. But it still sometimes feels so scray to let myself feel that and let myself be okay with it. Then there are, of course, my parents. Look, logically I know there is nothing wrong with who I am or who I love but I still subconsciously pick up feelings of shame from them and some tiny part of me starts believing what they say. And then I get so anxious about ever further telling anyone in my life, anxious that they will confront me with the same stuff my parents have told me or that they'll hate me or that people are going to talk about me badly again and I freak out.

Still, I love being bi. I love cracking jokes about bi culture with my friends. I love belonging to this community. I love the fact that there are no clear social roles for same-sex relationships, that it is all free of heteronormative expectations. I love crushing on girls and boys, I love talking about my sexuality online or with friends. I love engaging with LGBTQIA+ media. I do feel pride. But I also feel shame, at the same time. I think those two do not have to cancel each other out.

I feel like when we feel shame about our sexuality despite being out, we feel guilty, as if we cannot let others know that. After all, we want other people to understand that not being cishet is nothing to be ashamed of, that it is not abnormal or exotic. So we shut our shame away in order to be a better role model. We deny ourselves those feelings to strengthen the image of our community. Don't get me wrong, it is important to be loud and proud and to show people all of what I've just mentioned. But I think sometimes we need to realise that we do not have to be a walking pride parade 365 days a year, even less to prove something to cishet people. We are still only human. And sometimes we will still feel shame about not being cishet, and we might even still hate that part of ourselves some days. We all grew up in the same society that favorizes heterosexuality and being cisgender and alienates,mocks and exotizes any deviation from the norm. I guess what I'm trying to say here is: It's oaky. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. Work through them. Don't shut them out for fear of being a bad role model if you do. Likewise, if you feel proud of who you are and your identity, then go for it. Doesn't matter if you're still in the closet or not. Pride Month is for everyone who does not 100% percent identify as straight. 

Alas (I feel liek a 19th century victorian woman writing this right now but), happy pride month to all of you. To say it in the words of miss Olivia Rodrigo, I love you guys and I hope that you're okay. ❤

xxx Sarah

Hi there! Long time, no see (as always oops). I've been wanting to make a post about this topic for months but just never found the right words for it but today I was like "Okay we're gonna write this down now and who cares if it's not perfect!" so here we are. No promises that it will be a good post though.

So as you might know, I'm a chronic overthinker. I'm so much of an overthinker that even some of my overthinker friends have said they don't overthink as much as I do. Yes, this is a real sentence I just typed and you had to read through. Sorry. But it is what it is, as they say. Needless to say, this is quite difficult when you're in a relationship with me. Truly, dating someone is as though someone took a magnifying glass to your insecurities, like ti forces you to confront them and try to find a way to deal with them in order to keep the relationship going. Okay, that sounded dramatic but all I mean is that if you don't address your issues and try to better yourself in the aspects which could leave to a rift in your relationship, then it is very likely that said relationship will eventually fall apart.

One thing for example that my overthinking has made more difficult in the past is communicating. Like, I had a very hard time voicing what hurt me to others and I always felt like if I told them about it they would just up and leave me (also very dramatic, I know). Then I got into a relationship and I was like "Okay, either I try to better myself now or this thing will not work out and I WANT it to work out". I used to really smother myself in my bad feelings, deal with them on my own until they became much bigger issues than they actually were. While starting to address my issues, I notice that it actually makes a lot of things easier and your relationship improves since your partner knows what makes you feel good about yourself.

The main difficulty with me being an overthinker is, of course, that my brain really clings to certain topics. I recently told my girlfriend that there are like three topics who are constantly swirling around in my head and one of them is our relationship. Now, I obviously don't want to break up with her, it's just that I tend to get these intrusive thoughts which literally question everything about my relationship. "Do I really love her? Is that how a relationship is supposed to feel? What if we weren't together? Would I do XY? Would she do XY? Maybe she would be better off alone. Maybe some way down the line she will break up with me and what then? Should I just tear everything apart right now to avoid being hurt in the long run? Isn't t a fact that you get more attached to a person the longer you spend time with them and then them leaving you will hurt you even more?" are some of those thoughts. And I definitely do have days sometimes weeks, when these voices get overwhelming. And, like, I know it's meant nicely when people say "listen to your gut" but I literally cannot trust my instincts because my anxiety is always telling me to abort mission.

So what I try to do is do a reality check. Do I really want to break up with her or is it just my anxiety of letting someone get too close to me? Or The anxiety of an unknown future when I'm happy now and that's all that matters? By all means, I'm still not an expert on this. All I know is that I want to keep being with her because being in a relationship with her is so easy. I am very lucky that my girlfriend is a very confident person and she doesn't get insecure by me telling her about my anxious thoughts. I try to just describe to her the way my brain works and she accepts it as is. I think it's just very important to talk about it so that the other person knows that when you go kinda MIA for a couple of days it's not because you do not like them anymore, it's just because sometimes the voices in your head get too loud and you need some time to figure out what the actual truth is.

It's a journey I guess. And it's not easy. But I'm trying. And just because my brain might make things difficult doesn't mean that I don't deserve love or a partner. It just means that I have to try extra hard to communicate and to keep myself in check. I felt like sharing my experience with you guys might help some of you who have similar issues like me. The most important thing really is being honest with the other person, and if they leave you because of the way your brain works, well, then they were probably not the right one for you anyways. That's at least how I see it.

If you have similar experiences or struggles, feel free to comment on this post how you try to deal with them or send me an ask on tumblr! It can be a little support group thingy :) Also, I hope I will find the creativity to post more often on here again but we shall see. Until then,

xxx Sarah

2020 is about to come to an end so it's time for my annual recap post! It feels like this year stretched on forever and I have already forgotten about soo many things that happened this year but I'll try to recount the most important events!

In last year's post, my resolution was to become more self-confident and to find myself again. I'll talk about that at the end of this post; for now let's start with the basic categories I always talk about in my recap posts:

1) family

This year actually started (and I nearly forgot that was THIS YEAR) with me coming out to my parents. I wrote them a letter, dropped it on their bedside table and drove back to my uni town. At first they didn't find it so until they did I had the worst days mental health wise. I was really returning to a toxic way of thinking I thought I had already left behind and it was just, not good. When they did read it, it at first was all fine and I mean at least they didn't kick me out or anything but especially with my mum a lot of hurtful things were said to me that I would repeat here but I kinda do not wanna go back to that place right now. I guess that's a strategy of its own, just ignoring that these words have hurt you deeply and still have a lasting impact on you, but oh well. Anyways, since my mum said she won't come to my wedding if I marry a girl I guess I have to find a new mum now! Applications are open xoxo My dad was thankfully more chill about it, though I do have to say that I never talk about personal stuff with him. But at least he didn't trigger the shame I so often still feel towards myself and my sexuality, so that's good. 

My four years older brother eventually also got told about my sexuality through my mum and has since been ignoring that my girlfriend exists. The only thing I know he said was that he "doesn't think I look gay" lol sorry I forgot I had to fulfill a quota to be into girls. My two years older brother, who I'm closest to, thankfully is really supportive of my sexuality once I've told him and frequently makes puns and jokes with me about my sexuality and that alone feels really refreshing to me. He still doesn't know that my girlfriend is my girlfriend (though I bet he at least has a suspicion because I'm not very good at hiding it) but other than that I'm thankful to have at least one person in my family who doesn't have a problem with homosexuality.

The struggle with my mum got worse through the fact that I couldn't go back to my apartment in my uni town once lockdown started and it really contributed to my anxiety getting worse during that time, but I'll get to that later. By now, my girlfriend has become a topic my mum is kind of okay with, like she never talks about my sexuality anymore but at least she doesn't make weird comments. And she's become at least a little bit interested in my girlfriend so that's a plus.

Other than that, thankfully this year everyone stayed healthy in my family and we mostly just spent the time at home, everyone doing their own thing.

2) friends

I don't think that when I made this category I ever assumed that there would be a year where I could contribute little to it, yet here we are. Since lockdown started, I really only met with my best friend and my girlfriend and that's it. I'm really really missing my friends and hanging out with them and I really hope there'll be a way to make that possible again in 2021.

There was also the awkwardness of coming out to some of my less close friends. I think for the ones I told I just send them dodie's coming out song and that was it. One of my friends still doesn't know and I noticed that it's extremely difficult for me to just casually slide the topic into a conversation because with said less close friends I rarely ever talk about my love life. But I also want them to know so that I don't always have to skirt around the topic of my girlfriend, you know? I don't know. Maybe 2021 will be the year I'll finally let all of them know.

As to new friends, the only acquaintance I made this year was this girl from my marketing class who also uses tumblr religiously, yay! I kinda want to form a real friendship with her but it's really difficult to do all of that through a screen. Plus, I'm kinda socially awkward oops. But I guess when I read back on this year's post next year I'll know how that has worked out.

3) love

I'm still happily in a relationship with my girlfriend! Honestly, being with her really helped me grow as a person so much.

First of all, it's just this knowledge that this person loves and accepts you as you are. I spent quite a lot of time during my life thinking I was unlovable, and that if I ever were in a relationship it would be difficult for the other person because I'm really prone to overthinking and worrying. With her, whenever I share my thoughts and anxieties she just says she's happy that I'm sharing them with her and never ever thinks is annoying or over-the-top. It really gave me a new sense of self-value in a way that even if (although it's not very likely) we ever split, I'd know that when I'm looking for a relationship, wanting to be with someone who takes your thoughts and worries seriously is NOT asking for too much.

Another thing I learned is how to be honest and communicate my feelings. I think I have mentioned this on this blog in the past how I have a tendency to really eat up my negative feelings and never tell others about what bothers me. And it really has had a negative impact on relationships with other people in the past. With her, I just had such a strong urge of wanting to make things work that I forced myself to just openly tell her when something bothers me. I feel like we really have established a healthy communication mode there and that really helps, especially since we spent a lot of time not seeing each other this year due to corona. And thankfully, as I've already said, she never makes me feel bad for sharing my problems which has really helped me heal from past assumptions I had about love.

Besides my girlfriend, another huge point I should probably mention here is the big fall-out with my first girl crush, which I already talked about in my 2019 recap post. In January, she confronted me about it via text and we both said some pretty hurtful things to each other I guess. After that, I unfollowed her everywhere and thought it was pretty much over with. At this point I was still extremely angry and hurt, especially since judging from her texts I felt like I was just the girl she experimented with to figure out her sexuality while for me it was my first kiss and pretty important to me. In Feburary, we met by chance at the train station and it was overall a very weird meeting. I did try to pretend I didn't see her though oops. The whole conversation was basically about how she felt really hurt by me withdrawing from our friendship and then she just told me how she's overall doing miserably which like, okay sorry for that but that won't make me come back to you this time. She just has this way about her where she makes you feel guilty for not giving her attention and that was just not sustainable for me in the long run. Like by now I think I know why but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

In lockdown, I had a lot of time (probbly too much time) to think it all over and I got really sad because I started missing her as a friend. My closest friends still don't really understand why I held onto her for so long and besides the toxic behavior I illustrated above, the main reason for staying was that we shared everything, every feeling and thought with each other. Yes, by doing so we worsened the mental health of us both but there's just something about sharing your deepest, most shameful secrets with someone, and being understood, which just doesn't fade away in a month.

By now, I'm doing okay about it most of the time. Some days I'm mad at myself because I still miss her. Other days I wish her well. I recognize now that not all of my accusations when it came to her were justified and that I, too, was the reason why our relationship declined. I think a lot of it just comes from the anger wearing of and seeing things from a wider perspective. So yes, I might not be over her yet the way I wished I would be by now but at least I keep going and keep trying. I try to remind myself that it's not a race, and there's no time limit as to when you have to have gotten over somebody.

4) general state of mind

As I already said in the section about my parents, I had a really difficult time mental health wise at the beginning of the year. No matter how many times I reminded myself that being me is nothing to be ashamed of, it still felt and even still sometimes feels like I am inherently wrong. Like I could just throw this "problem" of not being straight away and if I never questioned my sexuality everything would be fine now. Maybe it would, I don't know. But I truly believe that living honestly ultimately makes you the happiest.

I also struggled with a lot of panic attacks during the first lockdown. It was as if everything piled up at once: My mum infiltrating my mind with homophobic thoughts, not being able to stay away from home or to meet with anyone, me still struggling to get over a close relationship and then on top of that a world-wide pandemic. Thankfully, in the last couple of months, I learned a lot of valuable coping skills. I meditate daily now, and it has helped me so much in not getting stuck in my thoughts too much. I also try to take a walk through the park a day and really try to be in the moment and feel my presence (because I have a tendency to really dissociate). I set a healthy limit as to the amount of news I consume daily and I tried out new things - like playing guitar or the piano! I really try to take a little bit of time to myself each day and am really happy that it seems to work thus far.

5) favorite moments this year

(I introduced this category last year and it's proven to be difficult this year, but I tried anyways!)

a) spending Valentine's Day with my girlfriend

b) the day I finished my exams for the summer semester

c) travelling to the sea shortly before lockdown!

d) folklore & evermore dropping!

e) visiting a bunch of cities in my neighboring area with my gf

f) visiting my bff for a couple of days at the beginning of August

so what about my resolution?

I do think I became more confident this year. I have a much clearer vision of what I want in life and was even able to confront a couple of people despite being terrified of confrontation, yay! I also feel like I'm more closely connected to who I am now just because I had so much time to think about it this year. And through the coping mechanisms I've mentioned I feel like I'm more grounded rather than floating away from everything.

If I had to come up with a resolution for next year, I'd say that I want to keep walking on the path that I want to take and not to get so caught up in what other people might think about it. It's my life, and I don't want to keep spending it living for other people.

So this is a farewell 2020. I certainly won't miss you but you've at least taught me some things. Here's to 2021 being a better year.

xxx Sarah

~songs that were most important to me this year: All I Want - Olivia Rodrigo, happiness - Taylor Swift, This Could Be Love - Violet Skies

~tv shows that were a bright light for me this year: Love, Victor, SheRa, High School Musical The Musical The Series, Julie and the Phantoms, The Owl House

Over the past few years, a bunch of people have recommended meditation to me, seeing as I'm really antsy a lot and tend to overthink really hard. I've also read numerous posts about how it can help ease your mind but for some reason, I just never found or rather took the time to actually try it out. About a month ago, I was thinking about this again and then it hit me: Yeah, Corona sucks but at least I've now got tiime to try out new things if I want to! So in the middle of September I challenged myself to meditate every single day for 30 days straight.

    I very quickly found a YouTube playlist of guided meditations which were also set up as a 30 day challenge, and I just stuck with it, for the most part. It was really weird the first two days, just sitting there for ten minutes essentially doing nothing. That was actually one of the reasons why I never got into meditation because I just thought I would't be able to quiet my mind for that long. As I quickly found out, it's not the goal to be able to immediately empty your mind of all thoughts and that it's rather about learning how much value you give them. On my first day, I actually tried meditating in the morning but since I'm currently living with my parents (again), it was just impossible to focus because the environment was just too loud. After a couple days I settled on meditating in the evening, at 8pm to be more exact so that I'm actually creating a habit, and have tsuck with it ever since.

    One thing I pretty soon noticed is that just a few days after starting to meditate daily, I actually slept through an entire night without waking up. This seems pretty uninteresting without context, but I literally hadn't slept through a single night since the whole Corona mess started, so for me that was a pretty big deal. Granted, it didn't happen again BUT when I wake up during the night now, it's less long and I can immediately go back to sleep and I feel less stressed out about waking up all of the time.

    About half-way through though, I had some pretty bad days and the meditation playlist I was using was getting very specific, with meditations for gratitude or openness - which are great! - but they just didn't work for me, especially since my mind was literally bathing in negative thoughts. Around that same time, I saw a tweet talking about this mediation app called "Balance" and how it's supposed to be quite good and how they are offering a free one-year trial if you upgrade in October in honor of mental health month. 

    A couple of days later, I started switching to the app instead. I was really excited about it because they really personalize your meditation plan based on what's most important for you (I think I put "increased sleep quality" as my no.1 priority) and on your experience with meditation thus far. I'm only a little bit above a week into using this app but (and this is not an ad, I swear akshdkajdsh) I really really love it! So far, I've mainly done breath focus but also started on body scan and I already feel like I'm less dissociating and it feels really good. You can also choose how long you'd like the meditation to be - three, five or ten minutes - which is really great because I found out shorter meditations are just better for me and less stressful to try to find time for.

    So, will I keep meditating? Yes! I really feel like meditation helps my mental health and helps me not to feel as helpless with my thoughts. Actually - and it could be a placebo effect, I don't know, but - I feel like I now already overthink a little bit less. So, if you have never tried meditation, I highly recommend it! It might feel a bit weird the first few times but I honestly think it could benefit anyone :)

Meditating away,

xxx Sarah

 The first time (or so I thought) I came in contact, really in contact, with what it means to grieve was when my grandmother died two years ago. I considered myself lucky before, telling my friends that "fortunately no one had died in my family yet". All I knew about funerals was that my father was sometimes invited to speak on them and that when my parents attended one, they dressed in all black.

But here it was, the fateful day on which I thought I "finally" become acquianted with what grief means. And yes, I did grieve and I sometimes still do. I can't listen to certain songs because they remind me of her, and sometimes I'll notice there's a full moon outside and wonder how she is doing right now. I guess little things like that follow you around. And I also grieved when my grandfathers passed away shortly thereafter. I thought it was some kind of sick joke of life that it prevented me from feeling grief for so long, but then it decided to just confront me with a load that felt like a mountain, all in the matter of a few months. How am I supposed to cope, I thought, when I have never experienced anything like this before and life doesn't give me enough time to process the last time I had to grief?

Of course I didn't realize that I was confronted with grief, and the five stages of it, several times already in my life, and yet I still made it through. I actually had a reference, it just didn't occur to me that grief isn't limited to death, that it extends to friend breakups, romantic distress and sometimes even losing or having to lose the old you. 

I grieved in third grade, when my elementary school best friend suddenly decided I wasn't cool enough for her anymore and abandoned me on the first day of school. I remember spending weeks all alone by myself during breaks, wishing I just had someone to talk to. But, after a while, I found new friends, maybe even better ones, and I forgot what was making me so sad before.

I grieved when I was 12 and I fell in love with a boy who didn't reciprocrate my feelings. He was my first real crush, I felt, and for more than a year, I constantly switched between the stages of denial, anger, sadness, and sometimes even acceptance. And don't get me wrong, it was really hard for teen me, but I eventually made it through, I fell in love with someone new and spend more time taking care of myself than thinking about a boy who was never interested in me anyways.

I also grieved just a year after that, still trying to come to terms with my broken heart. I grieved the loss of who I thought I was meant to be, not for myself, but for other people. I grieved for the joy I used to feel when now there seemed to be nothing left of it. I distinctly remember spending days just wishing I could turn back time, and change anything, so that I could be my old self again. With time, I learned that changing isn't bad, and that I'm going to evolve so many times more in my life, and though the growing pains are terrible, I will always arrive at a better spot than where I started.

When I just graduated highschool, I grieved the loss of a friendship, of a person that was so central to my life but just didn't fit into it anymore, no matter how hard I tried. I became angry at her for changing, and at me for noticing how we didn't match anymore but choosing to ignore it. I was sad, really sad, for a long time. Sometimes I thought I was fine, only to wake up the next day thinking about it and her like an echo chamber for another week. But again, there was time. So much time. And today, I think I've made myself comfortable in the acceptance stage, knowing that some things, or even people, are simply only meant to be in your life for a limited amount of time.

What I want to say with this is that you are allowed to grief, not only for people who died, but also feelings and people you lost. And most importantly, give yourself time. I have found that when you take the time, when you do not push the pain away and just let it fill you, for a little bit, you will get through whatever is bringing you down easier and faster. If you give yourself permission to feel it.

xxx Sarah

As you know, I love a good trip down memory lane and just a few days ago, I realized that in just about a week, I will not be a teenager anymore. And this then got me thinking about all the things that happened in the last decade of my life and what changed and in which ways I've grown and I felt like putting together a little list to share with you, so here are ten things I learned during my teenage years:

1. It's okay to not be okay for a while. It doesn't matter if feeling okay again takes weeks, months, or even years. You're healing at your own pace, and no one has the right to tell you how long you are supposed to grief for the you you were before traumatic events took place. But what's also important is that all the supposedly cheesy sayings about how it will get better weren't made by "neurotypical people who have no idea what it's like to be you" because it is true. There is always gonna be a light at the end of the tunnel. And you will reach it eventually. Sometimes you might get lost or wander in the wrong direction, but the sun is calling out to you. Let it embrace you.

2. How to block out the opinions of others. As a teenager, you experience so much change, and it is so confusing and on top of that everyone during these years feels like they have the right to judge anyone for not being enough x or y. One of the most crucial skills to learn is that the opinions of the people who do not care about you and put no effort into trying to understand you don't matter. They truly don't. As long as what you are doing makes yourself happy, that is enough. Listen to your gut instead of adjusting to the opinions of strangers. Or, if you need advice, talk to your friends or family.

3. Being single during your teenage years is actually the best thing that could've happened to you. Another thing that feels huge and important during your teenage years is how you measure yourself up to others and don't want to feel left behind. People start having their first romantic (and sexual) experiences and a lot of times you feel like you're missing out. But I honestly think I have truly benefitted from not having had any romantic or sexual experiences until I was 19. It allowed me to truly get to know myself, and what I want, instead of taking over a different personality for my partner (which is 100% what insecure little teenage me would have done if I had been in a relationship before). It also allowed me to figure out my priorities, and focus my energy on developing life-long friendships instead. And this in turn made me a better partner. I learned to truly listen to others, how to take care of others and give advice, and when to put my own feelings and thoughts in the background to just be there for someone. (and I learned how to find the perfect gift for someone)

4. Being kind is always going to be rewarding. If you only take one thing away from this list, let it be this. Be kind to people. You never know what someone is going through, and just that split moment of you giving them a smile or exchanging small talk could make someone's entire day. Of course, it's important to also know your boundaries, and to know when to recharge so you don't run out of energy. Because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

5. Communication is key! This is something I only really learned during the past year or so. I had a strong tendency to just lie about little things, because I was scared that people wouldn't understand me, scarred from past experiences. What I've found, though, is that the right people will make an effort to understand you and they won't judge you for expressing your thoughts. This is especially important when it comes to romantic relationships. So many bad feelings surface because one partner wasn't honest about their feelings and so much hurt can be avoided if you just speak up when something bothers you.

6. Just because it's hard to let toxic people go, doesn't mean that they were right for you after all. If there was some cure-all medicine to just make you immediately forget and let go of toxic people that once were in your life, that'd be great, but unfortunately that is not the case. It's going to take a while to move on and it's going to hurt like hell. And maybe you'll never truly forget them, maybe you'll still occasionally make up "what if" scenarios in your head and that doesn't mean you don't love yourself enough to let them go. It just means that you are capable of loving people fiercely, and that you truly loved someone else. Of course it's going to hurt. But rather than talking yourself down because of it, be gentle with yourself. Ultimately, time is the greatest healer. Be patient.

7. How to be vulnerable. For most of the past decade in my life, I was terrified of being vulnerable. Even with my closest friends. I was scared they would judge me, just like others had in the past, and they would think I'm weird because of the way my brain works. But then, when I started questioning my sexuality and opened up to others about it, the most magical thing happened: They felt more comfortable to be more vulnerable with me. So then I opened myself up more, and they did in return as well and the most beautiful, profound relationships developed. The biggest take-away for me was that it's okay to be completely honest and express your thoughts unfiltered. The right people will not judge you for it, and it will take such a weight off your shoulders to not have to pretend for once. And it will allow you to heal.

8. That no one has it all figured out. It may seem like you're the only one struggling, but that's only because you experience the behind-the-scenes of your life while only seeing the highlight reel of other people's life. Most of us just walk around clueless and figure it out as we go. As much as you wish to plan your life ahead, you never know what is going to happen next. And that's also the beauty of life, isn't it?

9. Change is inevitable, no matter how much you dread it. I have a big problem with adjusting to major life changes. Two of them happened during the last decade of my life, one being moving to a new town, the other one being graduating highschool. It might take a long time to get used to your "new" life and that's okay. It's also okay to have regular mental breakdowns about it for quite a while (or in my case, for more than half a year). Allow yourself to feel the pain and the grief for the life you had before, and you will get through it faster than if you're pretending that everything's fine. And, again, with time, everything will become easier. Trust the process.

10. The most beautiful things in life can grow from the darkest times. From making a really good friend while being sad and just exchanging your thoughts and feelings with them, to finding yourself a partner for life in the middle of processing a break-up: You just never know what life throws at you. Expect the unexpected, and be open to others, even, or especially, while you're in pain.

Ready to keep on trying to find a life of my own,

xxx Sarah