Find a life of your own.

 It's almost the new year which means it is time for my annual year recap post! 2021 has been one of the most challenging years of my life mentally to be honest, so uh yeah, hoping that next year will be better. 

In last year's post I made a resolution to care less what other people think. We'll return to that later on. For now, here are my basic categories I always talk about:

1) family

Unsurprisingly enough, me not being straight is still making things difficult with my family. One of my brothers is really supportive but with the rest of the family I feel like I am constantly walking on a tightrope. My other brother only talks about my sexuality to my parents (in a clearly condescending way), but never to my face. My dad just kind of decided not to talk about (as we always do in my family) and my mum... well, at least she does not talk to me about it that much anymore. This is supposed to be the last year during which I have to keep my sexuality a secret to the public, so here's to hoping things will get better somehow in 2022.

On the brighter side, I got really close with my supportive brother this year! We actually bought us inline skates again this year (this was our favorite hobby as kids) and started to skate around time at least one a week for a bit. We also still text a bunch since I've moved out and I feel like he trusts me emotionally? Which is a good thing because my brother is usually very closed off to everyone around him. My half-brother also got another daughter! They're currently visiting us and my niece is very very cute, though she spends most of her time sleeping (good for her!).

I've also moved out in September (more about that later) so I've been having some air to breathe and not feel clouded by shame from my family anymore. At least when I'm not at home.

2) friends

I finally got to see my friends again this year! Last year I practically only ever saw my girlfriend and my best friend, so I was really happy that I could for example finally see Josy again! I hope Josy doesn't mind me witing this (you will probably read this post eventually I guess?) but I feel like we've grown even closer this year. And I spent a couple of days at her place in June during which we recreated Taylor's album covers, watched Camp Rock and the reputation tour (again!) and I (slightly drunk) swiped through her dating apps, as one does!

One of my favorite moments was going to pride again with my friends this year - we did a whole roadtrip and it was just very fun! 

I also finally met my uni friends in person again and to be honest, I have to admit that I was always rather reluctant to share personal details to them (maybe that's also an introvert thing - I feel if I focus my energy on too many friends I'll just half-ass things) but when we met in summer this year we had such a good time and I was really happy that I got to know them during my bachelor's degree!

Moving came with trying to find new friends, and to be completely honest, I was struggling with that a bit. Mainly because it also coincided with my worst mental health phase but also I seemed to have unlearned any and all social skills during the pandemic. I did join a drama group again, though! And it makes me very happy because I had totally forgotten how much I love theatre people because in my experience they're all very kind and welcoming! Also, most of them are gay which is another plus haha. 

3) love

Well. It has certainly been a year. Don't worry, I'm still in a relationship with my girlfriend. However, I really struggled with obsessive thoughts this year. As in, since I am so terrified of losing control of anything and a relationship is the most uncontrollable thing ever, I really struggled with how to handle my anxious thoughts. I still do, to be honest. And I wish it was more talked about. Like all I knew about love were the romanticized notions of love in media and if something wasn't exactly how I saw it on tv for example, it would send me down a thinking spiral that lasted at least a couple of weeks. I think I'm through the thick of it but I'm still struggling. And that is okay. Above all, I've learned that love is a choice. You just have to make sure that choice is one worth making.

I've also moved in with my girlfriend! Which is a new and interesting experience. We're still trying to get the hang of it to be honest and it's been lots of communication about why a certain thing that seems totally fine to the other person bothers you so much. After not seeing each other that much because of covid last year and also this year for another three months, it feels really good not to be anxious about whether we'll ever see each other again soon anymore. So yay!

Concerning my first girl crush (which I talked about in my recap posts since 2018 oops), well. I'm still struggling with my mixed feelings looking back on that moment in my life. And on her as a person. But I'm still living! Despite her not being a part of my life anymore. Maybe I'll also never really get over her but maybe that's not the point? Maybe this dull ache will stay forever, but maybe instead of viewing it as something bad I can view it as a reminder of my capacity to love someone so deeply I still love them and wish them well despite what happened.

4) general state of mind

Two words: Not good. It started with my obsessive thinking spirals, accompanied by regular anxious sensations in my body which also manifested itself (at least instead of headaches like I had last year) as stomach aches in the middle of the night and (yes!) not being able to hear on one ear whenever I am particularly stressed out. I still meditated but it wasn't enough. At some point I sought out a few therapy sessions from my uni which were mainly just talking. And that helped, don't get me wrong! But I still felt trapped in my mind patterns and in my negative feelings.

Bright days only ever seemed to last a few days and then I'd feel shitty for weeks on end again. In autumn, I got worse. I've actually been told it might be a mild case of depression so yeah, you can imagine how I might be feeling. But I'll regularly attend therapist sessions starting January or February and I'm really really hoping I'll finally get better again. The thing I was struggling with the most was me returning to unhealthy thought patterns I thought I had already overcome in the course of highschool only for them to come back and hit me again full-force. 

I also have a really hard time talking about just how bad I am doing. Maybe it's about not wanting other people to worry about me, I don't know. My mental health state has definitely taken on a toll on all of my relationships and I'm really glad I'll be getting support through therapy last year because I feel like I cannot pull myself out of this hole on my own this time.

5) favorite moments this year

a) Spending a few days in June at Josy's place

b) the day I first saw our new apartment

c) watching West Side Story with a bunch of drama group people

d) when Josy and I screamed and danced along to Paper Rings one hour before I turned 21 (yes we were definitely I tiny bit tired asdkaskjh)

e) pride with my friends

f) getting a role in a play again!

g) getting my bachelor's degree!

h) whenever one of my half-brothers visited with their kids

i) meeting up with my uni friends again after two years

k) (omg I totally forgot about that one) but spending three days at a workshop in July and on one evening walking up this hill at night to look at the skyline of the city

l) getting an A+ on the term paper for my favorite uni class thus far!

so, what about my resolution?

To be honest I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for 2021 being literally one of the years where other people's opinion mattered the most to me. It's difficult to not care and it doesn't always work and that should be okay. 

As for next year's resolution, I don't think I want to make one. All I want to focus next year is getting better and feeling better again. And then I hope the rest will fall into place somehow.

Until next year,

xxx Sarah

songs that were most important for me this year: Serotonin - girl in red, drivers license - Olivia Rodrigo

tv shows that were most important for me this year: Young Royals, Love Victor

The last couple of weeks I've spend a lot of time thinking and reading about thoughts (you'll hopefully get what I mean by that by the end of this post). I've learned so many things now, and I wish someone had told me earlier that just because you have thoughts like "what if I end up doing xy bad thing" that doesn't mean that it will actually happen. I thought I'd make this post for my fellow chronic overthinkers out there to share what has helped me recently so maybe it can help you, too (Beware that this will probably be a longer post than usual). I'll list some resources I've found useful at the end as well :) (Also pls notice that this is not meant as a cure all and you should always consult with a therapist when in doubt)

    My relationship with my thoughts has always been a strained one. Like I've said, I'm a chronic overthinker to the point that fellow overthinkers I know have even told me they don't even overthink as much as I do (wow, what a sentence). The earliest memory I have of really overthinking myself into an unhelpful state was when I was little and couldn't fall asleep most of the time. I think it all started with me lying in bed one day wondering if one might be able to notice the exact moment when one falls asleep (spoiler alert: you can't) , then I pushed that thought away because I wanted to, well, sleep. What this did is that it took me until I was, like, 14 to not get really anxious any time I was about to go to sleep and to actually be able to sleep over at a friend's house without pushing myself (through my thoughts) into panicking. Of course, I have improved in that aspect but ever since I've started spending time thinking about my sometimes obsessive thoughts, I've come to realize that this thoughts spiral has accompanied me (with different topics of course) throughout my entire life. The first six months of this year, for example, were, to sum it up, horrible. I got really caught up in what-if scenarios, to the point where I a) felt like I was not really here anymore and b) where I couldn't really give others the attention they deserve. I distinctively remember telling my girlfriend that I feel like I'm a different person who's not really ME whenever I would get in these thought spirals for weeks or even months. Now, looking back, I know how it started: I had a random thought that went something like "What if I did [xy horrible thing]/ What if [xy horrible thing] happened?". Because I've been always taught to counter my thoughts (more on that later), I immediately started telling myself off, like "Shut up, you know this is never going to happen, look at xyz". What I didn't realize is that because of that, I gave my thoughts even more power. Suddenly this little what-if scenario, this little thought which normally would've passed over in a few minutes became the ruler of my mind. I would think about that hypothetical scenario multiple times a day, making myself feel miserable in the process. Albeit, thinking is not the truth, I rather noticed the thought arose and I pushed it back down denying myself to think it. And, well, as you can guess, this all made it worse.

    So much about my own story. And I’ve found that intrusive thoughts can really be about anything: Your body, social situations, that one thing that you did wrong when you were 10 that still haunts you when you are trying to fall asleep and makes you cringe. And, what's more, you usually don't even realize those thoughts are intrusive. After all, we think we ARE our thoughts, that they define who we truly are, deep down, right? At least that has been my belief for the past twenty years of my life. The first time I read the sentence "you are not your thoughts" I panicked: "But if I'm not my thoughts, who am I then? Then there's nothing anymore that makes me me" but I soon come to realize that it just means that whatever thoughts arise in you are not reflective of who you are as a person. So, for example, you might get an intrusive thought like "What if I end up betraying that person's trust? Maybe I'm too selfish to be close to them. Yes, I am selfish, and I should do something about it. Maybe I should just stop spending time to avoid that this bad thing ever happens". But just because you think those things, doesn't mean they are something you truly want. I've come to see my mind as an unreliable narrator. In a book I've recently read, the author explained it the following way: Imagine your friend isn't replying to you for, let's say, more than 24 hours. Your mind starts coming to the worst conclusions "Oh my God, they must hate me. Or maybe they got into an accident. Maybe my wording was off. Maybe they want to break off our friendship.". Then, a couple of hours later, your friend texts you back to say they were visiting someone and they brought you a small gift from their trip. Now your mind is happy, you feel grateful about this person and you forget that just hours before your mind was convinced the other person wanted nothing to do with you anymore. That is what I mean by unreliable narrator: Your mind changes opinions faster than other people change clothes, yet we still tend to take these thoughts at face value. What's more, your thoughts are not objective (no matter how hard your mind tries to convince you that you are, indeed, gonna get into a car accident on your way to work today), they are impacted by past experiences. If you had a friend like that who gave you this kind of advice, you'd dump them. A quote I wrote down from this book I was reading was this: "Your mind is always telling you that you have to change something outside to solve your inner problems. But if you are wise, you won't play this game. You'll realize that the advice your mind is giving you is psychologically damaged advice. Your mind's thoughts are disturbed by fears." So why do we still accept our thoughts as truthful and accurate as to who we are?

    Essentially, thinking is a way to exert control over our outside world. We think if we just think about stuff long enough, we actually have an influence about them. Spoiler alert: We don't. My mind at least was convinced that if I just thought about every possible scenario hard enough, I'd be prepared for whatever is to come and that then would change the outcome. How often has ruminating about things that haven't even happened yet really changed anything? Never. Things will happen, and you cannot stop them from happening. So, you might as well embrace the uncertainty instead of spending your entire energy trying to control something that is uncontrollable. Another quote: "What your mind is doing is making up external situations that might make things more comfortable. But the external situation is not the cause fo your inner problem. They are merely an attempt to solve the problem." Not to mention that these thoughts are holding you back (One of the books I was reading said we are constantly trying to protect or defend ourselves from our pain which is actually a very useless task because we start building our life around not getting hurt which is, well, tedious. But that's a bit off topic). 

    So, what do I now do whenever intrusive thoughts arise? The first mistake I've stopped making is pushing away these thoughts that scare me. Because that's essentially what it was: I'd get a "what if" thought and just having this thought instantly terrified me, because does this mean xyz? As already mentioned, I gave them more power by actually ignoring them. I've also stopped constantly trying to talk back at my thoughts, which basically felt like having to unravel a whole life concept. You actually do not need to comment your thought at all. I let an anxious thought arise and then I just say to myself "Okay, you are a thought. And I'm not scared of you. In fact, I'm letting you sit in the chair in front of me. You are not a signal, not a warning. You may be disturbing, you may make me anxious, but you are not anxious. You are just a thought." Doing this alone has helped me so much because it takes away the power of the thought. It also separates yourself from your thoughts; because as I've already said, you are NOT your thoughts and talking about them from an outsider's perspective helps detaching yourself from it. Or, at times, I just tell myself "Okay. Maybe this will happen, or maybe not." This felt very scary to me at first because I thought if I show any acceptance of my thought, it will make it real. Actually, the opposite was the case: It stopped me from diving headfirst into a spiral because it stopped me from longing for that 100% certainty which I would never get, anyway.

    What I also do in that outsider's perspective is that I just do a quick check whenever bad feelings arise. Let's say I need to make a phone call, and I am absolutely terrified of it (as always). My mind tells me I'm gonna embarrass myself, the person at the other end of the line will think I'm weird and it will be an overall horrible experience. To detach myself from my thoughts, I tell myself, "Okay. You are feeling anxious. You are thinking that you'll have to bury yourself after this phone call." Just this simple distinction alone makes me snap out of my thought spiral and actually notice what's going on in my mind. If that still does not help, I've learned this four-part strategy to approaching and breaking down anxious thoughts: 

    1) How likely is it that this thing I am afraid of will happen? (In my anxious mind, I almost always reply 99% but see how you can never be 100% sure of it? that leaves at least the 1% chance of it going okay) 

    2) How awful would it be if this thing happened? (Would I really have to move into the woods to be never seen again or would the dentist's assistant forget who I was after a couple days max anyways?)

    3) How well would I be able to cope? (So, presuming I'll embarrass myself, so what? I've embarrassed myself countless of times already and I'm still standing. I'm not going to die if it happens.)

    4) What support can I get? And: Will others really care? (The second question ties in with point to. Support can be friends who talk you up or just maybe writing down what I'm going to say so if I blackout, I've got something to draw back to.)

     One of the books also talked about emotions and thoughts as being part of an energy cycle. Don't get freaked out - I thought it was very spiritual, too but you do not have to actually think you have this energy to imagine it. If I get a thought or a feeling, I imagine this thought or feeling to enter my energy cycle. But everything that enters eventually leaves unless I stop it from doing so. Let's say I stumbled over my feet while getting on the train (something that has happened to me way too many times already rip) while everyone was watching me. I can a) delve into this feeling of embarrassment, either by pushing it away or ruminating over the situation for hours or days on end, scolding myself for what happened. Or b) I can appreciate that it's just a feeling, like happiness, or a thought that I experience. Nothing more, nothing less. I let it enter my energy system, flow through it and exit again, like a wave in the ocean (sometimes I even visually picture it that way to support this).

    I know some of this sounds overly simplified and I truly cannot explain it as well as the people who have talked about this in depth have, so if you want to really get to the bottom of it, here are some sources which helped me:

    1) the book "You Will Get Through This Night" by Daniel Howell: Literally would recommend this book to anyone, really, it contains tons of useful tips.

    2) This YouTube video: Helped me to grasp the basics of what is going on inside of my head and to start to re-evaluate my thoughts.

    3) the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A.Singer: Sometimes does feel overly simplified and is at times very spiritual. BUT it is very easy to understand and it fundamentally changed my overthinking tendencies.

    I hope some of this helped at least one person. If I had had someone back then who had told me that I am not crazy for thinking my thoughts and that these thoughts are not a reflection of who I am, I might not have gotten stuck in my thought spiral for so long this year. I guess if you take only one thing away from this, let it be this: "You are not your thoughts."

xxx Sarah

June is, as you probably know, Pride month, a month of celebrating the LGBTQIA+ community. Pride about being who we are, loving who we are, and living the way we want to live our lives. But pride also means "not ashamed". The opposite of being ashamed. And I guess I've just been thinking a lot about this dichotomy, these two polar opposites. If you're out, you are supposed to be proud of who you are, leaving the shame within the closet. Likewise, if you're still in the closet, it is kind of expected that you feel shameful about your sexuality to some extent. I personally think the two of them are not an either-or case but rather a spectrum.

To explain, I recently was going through a difficult time mentally. I get into those moods sometimes where I just want to shut everyone out for a while because the thoughts in my head get really loud and then I cannot focus on anything else but them. And then I've resurfaced two weeks or so ago, meaning I felt like I was finally me again, if that makes sense. And I've begun to look back on my thought spirals during that time and was surprised to find how much shame regarding my sexuality still lives within me, despite being halfway out. For example, I often feel almost guilty for my feelings for my girlfriend and have regularly found myself kind of shutting them out, not allowing myself to feel them because that would mean I am most definitely not straight. Which I 100% am. Don't get me wrong. But it still sometimes feels so scray to let myself feel that and let myself be okay with it. Then there are, of course, my parents. Look, logically I know there is nothing wrong with who I am or who I love but I still subconsciously pick up feelings of shame from them and some tiny part of me starts believing what they say. And then I get so anxious about ever further telling anyone in my life, anxious that they will confront me with the same stuff my parents have told me or that they'll hate me or that people are going to talk about me badly again and I freak out.

Still, I love being bi. I love cracking jokes about bi culture with my friends. I love belonging to this community. I love the fact that there are no clear social roles for same-sex relationships, that it is all free of heteronormative expectations. I love crushing on girls and boys, I love talking about my sexuality online or with friends. I love engaging with LGBTQIA+ media. I do feel pride. But I also feel shame, at the same time. I think those two do not have to cancel each other out.

I feel like when we feel shame about our sexuality despite being out, we feel guilty, as if we cannot let others know that. After all, we want other people to understand that not being cishet is nothing to be ashamed of, that it is not abnormal or exotic. So we shut our shame away in order to be a better role model. We deny ourselves those feelings to strengthen the image of our community. Don't get me wrong, it is important to be loud and proud and to show people all of what I've just mentioned. But I think sometimes we need to realise that we do not have to be a walking pride parade 365 days a year, even less to prove something to cishet people. We are still only human. And sometimes we will still feel shame about not being cishet, and we might even still hate that part of ourselves some days. We all grew up in the same society that favorizes heterosexuality and being cisgender and alienates,mocks and exotizes any deviation from the norm. I guess what I'm trying to say here is: It's oaky. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. Work through them. Don't shut them out for fear of being a bad role model if you do. Likewise, if you feel proud of who you are and your identity, then go for it. Doesn't matter if you're still in the closet or not. Pride Month is for everyone who does not 100% percent identify as straight. 

Alas (I feel liek a 19th century victorian woman writing this right now but), happy pride month to all of you. To say it in the words of miss Olivia Rodrigo, I love you guys and I hope that you're okay. ❤

xxx Sarah

Hi there! Long time, no see (as always oops). I've been wanting to make a post about this topic for months but just never found the right words for it but today I was like "Okay we're gonna write this down now and who cares if it's not perfect!" so here we are. No promises that it will be a good post though.

So as you might know, I'm a chronic overthinker. I'm so much of an overthinker that even some of my overthinker friends have said they don't overthink as much as I do. Yes, this is a real sentence I just typed and you had to read through. Sorry. But it is what it is, as they say. Needless to say, this is quite difficult when you're in a relationship with me. Truly, dating someone is as though someone took a magnifying glass to your insecurities, like ti forces you to confront them and try to find a way to deal with them in order to keep the relationship going. Okay, that sounded dramatic but all I mean is that if you don't address your issues and try to better yourself in the aspects which could leave to a rift in your relationship, then it is very likely that said relationship will eventually fall apart.

One thing for example that my overthinking has made more difficult in the past is communicating. Like, I had a very hard time voicing what hurt me to others and I always felt like if I told them about it they would just up and leave me (also very dramatic, I know). Then I got into a relationship and I was like "Okay, either I try to better myself now or this thing will not work out and I WANT it to work out". I used to really smother myself in my bad feelings, deal with them on my own until they became much bigger issues than they actually were. While starting to address my issues, I notice that it actually makes a lot of things easier and your relationship improves since your partner knows what makes you feel good about yourself.

The main difficulty with me being an overthinker is, of course, that my brain really clings to certain topics. I recently told my girlfriend that there are like three topics who are constantly swirling around in my head and one of them is our relationship. Now, I obviously don't want to break up with her, it's just that I tend to get these intrusive thoughts which literally question everything about my relationship. "Do I really love her? Is that how a relationship is supposed to feel? What if we weren't together? Would I do XY? Would she do XY? Maybe she would be better off alone. Maybe some way down the line she will break up with me and what then? Should I just tear everything apart right now to avoid being hurt in the long run? Isn't t a fact that you get more attached to a person the longer you spend time with them and then them leaving you will hurt you even more?" are some of those thoughts. And I definitely do have days sometimes weeks, when these voices get overwhelming. And, like, I know it's meant nicely when people say "listen to your gut" but I literally cannot trust my instincts because my anxiety is always telling me to abort mission.

So what I try to do is do a reality check. Do I really want to break up with her or is it just my anxiety of letting someone get too close to me? Or The anxiety of an unknown future when I'm happy now and that's all that matters? By all means, I'm still not an expert on this. All I know is that I want to keep being with her because being in a relationship with her is so easy. I am very lucky that my girlfriend is a very confident person and she doesn't get insecure by me telling her about my anxious thoughts. I try to just describe to her the way my brain works and she accepts it as is. I think it's just very important to talk about it so that the other person knows that when you go kinda MIA for a couple of days it's not because you do not like them anymore, it's just because sometimes the voices in your head get too loud and you need some time to figure out what the actual truth is.

It's a journey I guess. And it's not easy. But I'm trying. And just because my brain might make things difficult doesn't mean that I don't deserve love or a partner. It just means that I have to try extra hard to communicate and to keep myself in check. I felt like sharing my experience with you guys might help some of you who have similar issues like me. The most important thing really is being honest with the other person, and if they leave you because of the way your brain works, well, then they were probably not the right one for you anyways. That's at least how I see it.

If you have similar experiences or struggles, feel free to comment on this post how you try to deal with them or send me an ask on tumblr! It can be a little support group thingy :) Also, I hope I will find the creativity to post more often on here again but we shall see. Until then,

xxx Sarah