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It isn't the end of a year if I do not post my annual recap post on here! I don't really use this blog outside of it anymore unfortunately but hey! Maybe that will change in 2025. However, I really enjoy making these recap posts so of course I also had to write one for 2024!

2024 was a year of lots of change for me and,luckily, lots of very, very good change. Insanely good change that I didn't think would ever be possible. And as such, I am immensely grateful to all the good and bad things I experienced this year because they got me to where I am now, and I am pretty happy with where I ended up. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

If you haven't read any of my yearly recap posts yet, hello and welcome! I structure these posts in two months intervals because that makes it easier to summarize events for me. Just so you know what you are getting into! But now let's begin with the actual recap post:

January – February

The year already began unusually for me. I fell sick with a cold shortly before Christmas, which then developed into an ear infection that lasted until the middle of January. This was the beginning of what I like to call my "sickness period" because I got struck with some virus at least once a month until May and it was always an illness that completely wiped me out for at least a week. However, I got to help relaunch our website at work and that was a very fun and different project for me in January!

In January I furthermore joined a queer Christian group and sharing my experience with them felt very healing and helped me process a lot of trauma I had experienced post-coming out.

In February I finally got to see Maisie live after being hindered from attending her concert in Berlin next year! The show was so much fun. Shortly before it I had noticed that I finally began to feel much lighter after the heartbeak I went through last year. I can only describe it as feeling as if you finally resurfaced from the waves, as if I could finally breathe again when I didn't even notice I was drowning. Because of that, hearing Maisie sind "There It Goes" was a very healing experience. 

And: Recently my friend reminded me that at the show I told her that "2024 is going to be our year, I'm manifesting it". And oh boy, did I manifest it because what also happened right on the weekend of the Maisie concert is that I went on dates again! After my breakup I had told all of my friends that I would take a dating break of at least three months. February was ony two months since the breakup but of course I became sad on Valentine's Day about my ex and other past entanglements with other people. I just wanted to feel desired again so I decided to already sign up for dating apps after all but only to get to know new cool people, maybe gather some experience, but nothing beyond that.

That plan was all nice and fair and also worked on the first date I went on on the day of my Maisie concert. The girl was very nice and I was very open to meeting her again and seeing where it goes from there. What I, however, didn't plan for was what happened on the date I had with a boy just two days later. We met on bumble and in the span of two or three days our texts developed into long paragraphs of answers about ten different topics at the same time. When he told me he was bisexual I was even more curious to meet him! As you might know, my past and only relationship thus far had been with a woman and within that relationship I had often wondered if I would even want to date a man at all anymore. But then I decided to meet up with the guy I met on bumble and we went for a long walk in nature. Originally we had planned to take pictures (as he and I both like photography) but instead we wandered around for four hours, both getting multiple blisters on our feet but deciding to ignore them because we were so invested in the conversation (exhibit A) of our silliness matching!).

In fact, we were so invested that we decided to meet up again just three days later (although I had told him I wouldn't have the time to meet with work and everything but I seem to have forgotten to be rational around him oops). And, again, we had a very nice date! It was weird because it felt like I had already known him forever, despite having texted with him for only a little more than a week and only having met him once before. I decided to just continue with it as long as it feels good and as soon as it doesn't, I could back out at any point. I finally started to grant myself autonomy when it comes to dating. Where previously everything would depend on the other person and their decisions relating to me, this time it was about me and what I wanted. And I felt as free as I have never felt before in that.

During this time I related to There It Goes by Maisie a lot: 

March – April

Dating him led to a bunch of new and fun experiences in March. I felt like I was finally living again instead of letting life happen to me and trying to deal with what is thrown at me as best as I can. We went on more dates, unable to not see each other at least once, if not twice a week. It felt so easy and safe. As already mentioned in the last paragraph, I finally listened to what I wanted to do and we took it slow. Finally kissing him was a funny experience as I had previously considered myself someone who just "doesn't enjoy kissing as much" but then I kissed him and I finally understood why people enjoy it so much. I felt like I was a teenager again because I was feeling so much for this person and couldn't believe he reciprocrated these feelings.

And then, at the end of March, we got officially together. While I said yes when he asked me, my anxiety about relationships, which I was able to block out quite well before that, when it was just "fun dating", hit me all at once that night. I was terrified of letting someone in again and then them leaving. I felt like actual love wasn't worth a try because it wouldn't work out anyway, not with me at least and I didn't notice how much I felt that until he became my partner. Saying yes was a leap I took while still being terrified I would crash and burn again. But I am so, so grateful that I was brave enough to do so because the relationship that has bloomed from it is beautiful. It taught me to dare to try new things, even if they scare me because yes, they might end badly but they might be the best thing you have ever had and you won't find out if you don't jump.

At the same time, my therapist and I started working properly on what she calls "my standy-by mode" (since it's not full-on dissociation). I had of course noticed that I tend to zone out of situations and emotions I don't want to feel but I hadn't realized how detrimental it was to my mental well-being. My therapist explained to me that it was a survival strategy I had needed in the past but that I do not need anymore. Trying to improve this habit of mine was painful and uncomfortable and resulted in many, many exhausting sessions with her, both on my and her end. But I can now proudly say that I barely dissociate anymore and I am extremely proud of the work I've done this year to achieve that.

Oh and I went to another concert in April! 2024 was the year of concerts and it was so much fun.

I was obsessed with Alley Rose by Conan during this time: 

May – June

The sickness I had in May was a two weeks long tonsillitis. I spent almost all of it at my boyfriend's place who thankfully took care of me. It sucked and I hated it but these two weeks made us grow so much as a couple that I am grateful it happened the way it did.

My department planned a big public event for the end of June during these two months and I was responsible for designing all of the graphics, including coming up with a concept for it. It made me very happy to take on a project of my own where I was able to create something from scratch.

At the end of May, I went on my first trip with my partner and his best friend which was a very spontaneous affair that landed us in Italy! It was so much fun to travel like this and just going to wherever we currently felt like going.

In June, I attended the GUTS tour and it was one of the best concerts I've been to. I've described it to my friends as a concert to release female rage specifically. I felt incredibly connected to the audience and I had so much fun jumping around and dancing and singing along to the songs.

I spent a lot of time listening to Gracie Abrams' new album during this time. Besides Risk (a banger!) one of my favorite songs on the album is I Love You, I'm Sorry: 

July – August

It's been a long time coming... In July, I finally saw Taylor live again after nine long years. I was lucky enough to attend three shows within a week and that was genuinely one of the best weeks of my life. Between the rain show in Hamburg, where everything still felt surreal to the two shows in Munich that were filled with so much fun with me friends I had as much fun as I barely had ever before. I met so many of my mutuals from tumblr and on top of that got some of my all-time favorite Taylor songs as suprise songs! Taylor shows are the most joyous place on earth, truly. It felt so good to dance and sing and scream and cry with everyone.

During the same week, I also finally told my family that I have a boyfriend now. I had dreaded that for the past months, as I knew my mum was still holding out hope for me to turn out straight after all since my ex and I broke up. I knew she would take this as a sign of me being "cured" now, of her prayers "working". I have not spoken to her one on one since (our "private" conversations are where she usually guilt-trips me by making comments with double meanings so when you complain to her about it she says that "wasn't what she meant" - so, you see, it's all very complicated). However, she was uncharacteristically extremely enthusiastic about me now having a boyfriend and wanted to know everything about him and meet him which would be great if I hadn't had the opposite experience with her and my ex. 

This year I also generally took a much closer look at my family bonds and unhealthy patterns within my family. Encouraged by my partner I started to finally feel some of the emotions especially towards my mum I had suppressed for years. And while I was and still am sometimes terrified of feeling my emotions, I have learned that I feel so much better if I just feel them instead of trying to ignore them or prohibit myself from feeling them.

In August, I also had another big project from work and I finally saw Bleachers live! The venue basically didn't have any AC but I still danced my heart out and it was so much fun! My partner came along with my friend and I was very happy to finally be able to share concerts with someone I'm in a relationship with.

I had loved this song already when the album came out, but I listened to it a lot again during these two months:

September – October

September began with my trip to Paris! My family didn't have much money growing up so we rarely ever went on vacation so being able to travel to places still feels like such a luxury to me. I had wanted to go to Paris for years and this year I finally went there with a friend of mine. It was so fun to go to all the places of the Begin Again music video!

Afterwards, my partner and I went on a roadtrip to Switzerland. Again, we experienced so much together and grew so much together. And he showed me some of his favorite spots and the nature there was so beautiful.

After that trip, I celebrated my birthday with a Taylor-themed party with my friends. I had had a party last year, too, but this year I noticed that I was just able to be myself without thinking too much about how I appear. I partly attribute this to my partner and he will probably say he only played a little part in it, but he so easily makes me feel like who I am without any filters and masks is so loveable that I have felt myself being my honest self around others much more. And, funnily enough, that led to me having even closer relationships with my friends, which feels so, so good. I had so much fun that night and felt so appreciated and I look back on this evening very fondly.

In October, I got ready to apply for jobs again. My traineeship would end soon and when I asked her about it in August, my boss told me there wouldn't be a position for me after it. But then, the day after my partner and I took pictures of me for my CV, she called me and offered me a temporary position until November next year, and I took the offer. I was extremely happy I could stay on because I love my colleagues and my tasks. And (spoiler alert!) at the end of November she offered me a permanent job which I ended up taking! It feels very relieving to know that I have a job for now and do not have to worry about my future as much.

My best friend and I also established a weekly phone call tradition in October which I love. Most of our friendship has been long distance and with how busy I was this year but also how much stuff was going on for her, it has been difficult remembering to update the other person regulary. This way, we finally know more about the mundane stuff of the other person's life again and it feels very good to be this involved in her day-to-day life again!

I have to add another Gracie song to these two months because as I have said, I have been obsessed with her album this year and the deluxe tracks hit really close to home, too. This might be my favorite of the deluxe tracks (and I have listened to it an unhealthy amount of times oops):

November – December

November and December were full of fun trips on the weekends. I did another small roadtrip with my partner and we also went and visited one of my best friends. I also finally got to see the musical The Prom which was so much fun! On the first weekend of December I got a second ear piercing on both of my ear lobes which is something I have been wanting to do for years! 

Things got stressful with my family again when I realized I actually do not want to spend Christmas with them. I knew that if I went home, my mum would want to have a private conversation to me and I knew I would just bear all the shitty stuff that would be said to me again and I realized that I don't have to. I don't owe them anything. Of course I knew that rationally before, but it always felt impossible to say no to them or rather especially my mum. With the support of my partner and my therapist I mustered the courage to tell my mum I would not be visiting. That I managed to do that is a huge deal to me because standing up to my family has felt impossible until this year. But because I grew and learned so much this year, I was able to do it. I feel insanely proud of myself for doing so many scary things and for healing because of it.

I have listened to a lot of Chappell Roan these past few months and I especially relate to Pink Pony Club, so I had to include it here:

To sum it up, 2024 was an incredibly good year for me, filled with so many good memories that it feels like they cannot fit into just one year. 2024 was also filled with many tough decisions, moments where I was terrified, moments where I thought I hit the edge of what I was capable of doing. And then I proved myself wrong. I learned how to minimize dissociating and I have gotten so much better at sharing my honest feelings with others. I now cry at least once a week, if not more, but as strange as it sounds it feels so real to who I am. This year, I realized that I had internalized that my hypersensitivity is too much for other people (something I mainly learned from my family), which led to me suppressing any and all feelings that other people could find too much, which in turn resulted in my dysthymia (persistant sadness). In December, my therapist told me that we will finish our sessions before the New Year. I thought I would be terrified of going at life alone without her help, but I actually mostly felt optimistic that I could do it. During our last session, she said that I don't have dysthymia anymore because my base mood level is not below zero anymore and when she said that, I realized it is true: I feel much more content with my life now than I have felt in such a long time, if not for most of my life.

I am certainly far from being done growing and examining harmful behaviours of mine and trying to unlearn them but I have taken a huge leap forward this year and I am so proud of myself for that. I hope that, in 2025, I won't forget how strong I am and how much I am capable of achieving. I hope that I will keep doing scary stuff even if it's only with half a foot out the door because I'm scared I'm going to trip and fall. I don't need to only have good memories next year, but I need to remember that every experience, ever emotion serves a purpose and none of them are inherently bad. They are just that: Experiences. Emotions. And I am able to deal with whatever life throws at me as long as I don't forget this.

Wishing you all the best for 2025,

xxx Sarah

It's been a long time coming... literally. Although I do not ost on here as much as I used to, I feel like its not a new year if I don't recap the previous one on here. I usually do so a few days before New Year's Eve but then I got a cold, which turned into an ear infection that lasted two weeks so here we are on January 13. But I figure it's still the beginning of January, so it's probably fine.

If you haven't read any of my recap posts before, first of all, hello! Secondly, these used to follow a structure of different categories (e.g. "friends" or "love") but last year I recounted the year in terms of two month intervals and since it worked out well for me, this is how this year's post will look like as well! Enough talking, here we go:

January-February

Some time in December last year, I noticed how lonely I fet in the city I moved to in 2021. I had friends, but no one that really deeply got me and that I was able to see frequently. Once I noticed that, it was very hard to un-notice it, and that was what I grappled very hard with at the beginning of 2023. This also intertwined with thoughts of "maybe I'm only interesting to others if I'm single because then I'm a potential love interest for them but they just think I'm too boring to consider for a friendship" and that really messed with my head. But then some time in January I messaged this girl from my class about a question I had regarding an exam and somehow we... didn't stop texting? And now she's one of my closest friends and we hang out all the time. It kind of does feel as if some higher being heard my struggles or maybe it's jsut fate or whatever. Either way, I'm really happy that personis now a part of my life.

In February, I also took my last exams in my master's degree and started an internship at one of the biggest publisher's here, which was very exciting! And nerve-wracking as well because I have always been particularly insecure about my performance in a work environment. I was also quite overwhelmed at how work functions as a social setting - how do people interact with each other there and how am I supposed to interact with them? It felt, like all new social situations for me, like a long learning curve as to what the socially expected behaviour is. Add to that that I had to finish two papers for uni on the weekends and let's just say I was very stressed about everything. But on the upside, I took a trip with my best friend to see Daniel Howell's show and it was so much fun!

This is the song I listened to the most during this time (this and Irish Exit by Eliza McLamb!):

March-April

These two months honestly flew by because of my internship. However, at the end of March, my therapist - who is honestly the best therapist I have ever had - told me that she is quitting her profession and that we would only have sessions for the remainder of April. This was a lot for me to digest mentally as I have a hard time letting go of people that are important to me. Suffice it to say, our last sessions were filled with a lot of crying from my side rip.

My internship also brought a lot of my insecurities in group settings to the surface. I can only figure it's because of ~stuff that has happened in the past that I automatically assume that if I'm in a group with strangers, they will eventually all turn against me for reasons I cannot control and cannot foresee. It didn't help that while I hung out with the other interns a lot, it was obvious that all of them got along better with each other than with me. I often felt like the "uncool" kid spending time with them that they just invite out of politeness and it sent me into an overthinking spiral of "dear God, why am I so weird and why can I not stop being so weird", which was, er, not healthy.

However, March was very exciting because my best friend got married and I got to be her maid of honour and the wedding photographer! It is still weird that someone I'm friends with is now married. Oh, and a friend of mine and I finally went to a Taylor club night and it was the best night ever! (Alexa play Bejeweled.mp3) We very soon found a group of people who were as diehard fans as we are and I had a lot of fun screaming the lyrics to All Too Well (10 minute version), Paris, Hits Different and more! And it made me very excited for the eras tour, too.

Song I listened to the most during that time:

May-June

In May, my internship came to an end and I finally started working on my master thesis! I really enjoyed doing research on my topic because it had all the things I loved (queerness, feminism, rewritings and more!). The days were getting longer again and with that, my mood improved. It also helped a lot to have a Harry Styles concert that happened in May! Besides, June is one of my favourite months of the year because it means pride is coming up and I had a lot of fun with my newfound friend that I mentioned previously as well. However, at the same time, things between my (now) ex-girlfriend and I started to crumble and... yeah, that was obviously not great. I do not want to go into two much detail about this practically year-long breakup out of respect for her but let's just say the good days and bad days were as always existing right next to each other.

Oh, and in May I started seeing my new therapist! She's very different from my previous one but to be honest, I was just glad to have found someone new that is more or less compatible with me.

The song I listened to the most (and how fitting for pride month!) was this one:

July-August

July and August were months that let me breathe from my negative thoughts and feelings for once. July obviously started with The Great Ticket War of buying eras tour tickets but I managed to get tickets to three shows and I'm already so excited for July this year!

At the same time, I was interviewing for an entry level job at a publisher that had everything I was looking for in a job: It would let me do social media work, create graphics and just generally be really creative, so I was really, really hoping I would get the job. I listened to my "encouraging songs" playlist on loop during that time and stayed off of social media for a bit to boost my confidence and, what can I say, it must've worked because the same week that I bought my eras tour tickets I also got the offer for the job! I was really happy knowing that I would have a job right out of uni.

In August I also handed in my master thesis! I had planned to go on a vacation afterwards but unfortunately the job offer was for a position starting in September, so I had to cancel that. Instead, I handed in my thesis a couple of days early and spend the days in between the thesis and my new job taking trips to the mountains and reading in calm spots in nature. I felt like I finally arrived some place good. And I spend a lot of time with my friends which felt really really good.

On the note of the song I listened to the most, I definitely have to point out this one because it gave me the confidence I needed for my job interview:

September-October

Oh boy. Those two were certainly months that happened to me. Things were actually continuing to look up in September as I started my new job and found a very welcoming work environment with great people and interesting tasks. After work, I would come home feeling very fulfilled and also very calm, something I hadn't experienced before. And I had a very fun theme party for my birthday for which I dressed up as rep era Taylor!

Then October rolled around and I hit one of the deepest rock bottoms I had ever hit. Funny how the good and the bad always exist right next to each other, right? My (now) ex-girlfriend moved out at the end of September and while I was grappling with the fact that our relationship had most likely run its course I also panicked about whether I would be able to stay in our shared apartment and if yes, if I would find a flatmate. Especially in the first two weeks of October, but also after, this send me down to a really unhealthy spiral, including such depressive thoughts and ambivalence about whether I lived or not that I had last felt at 14. It honestly scared me how bad I was doing. I spend my free time trying to distract myself from any and all anxious thoughts I had by mindlessly scrolling on social media and keeping my weekends as packed as possible. It didn't help that my therapist had been out sick since the end of August so I had no one to really talk to about these feelings I was experiencing. Add to that that I started realising I may have feelings for one of my closest friends and you can imagine the kind of anxiety, shame, sadness and guilt I was feeling all at once. Honestly, I think the only way I survived October was by taking it one day at a time and even then, I barely made it through.

One song that represents my feelings at that time is this one:

November-December

At the end of October I finally found a flatmate and that definitely helped alleviate some of the anxiety I was feeling about my living situation. Overall, things in November started to feel a little bit better, although I was still at the bottom of the mountain of grief. Again, I spend a lot of time hanging out with my friends and talking to them, which honestly helped me so much. I truly don't know if I would have survived 2023 without their endless support and patience for my hours-long rants about the same topics over and over again. Work gave me some much needed social skills and a kind of "I don't care if you think I'm weird for my interests and I'm also too tired to give a shit" attitude, which helped me retrieve some energy that I had previously wasted trying to make people like me in a mirrorball-esque way.

At the beginning of December, my (now) ex-girlfriend and I finally split amicably. I think I had started griefing that relationship months before because surprisingly enough, this final split did not make my depressive symptoms worse which is good, right? And anyways, I had 200 things going on in my mind at all times. My new flatmate moved in and thankfully enough we get on really well. 

Remember that friend I was developing feelings for? I decided that I needed to confess these feelings for her. This surprised me because I'm the queen of avoiding uncomfortable situations and before I started dating my ex, I used to rather die than tell anyone that I was into them. But all of a sudden I figured: What's the worst that could happen? I would get rejected? Sure, that would hurt like hell but at least I would know what I'm in for and would not pine after someone who was not interested in me for years again. So, that's what I did. Needless to say, I got rejected and while that made me incredible sad and miserable and all in all felt as if someone stabbed me with a dagger multiple times I still felt a small but glowing sense of pride that I was confident enough to communicate my feelings with another person despite being scared shitless to do so. The good and the bad right next to each other, as I've already said.

New Year's came around and for the first time, as the fireworks were lighting up the sky all around me, I felt like I was really here, on this earth and that for once, my life didn't feel like inevitable doom about to happen but rather rich with possibilities and versions of me I could become in 2024. I still have a long way to go to become healthy again, but what this year has shown me is that I'm still capable of growth. And while my pain often feels like a merry-go-round that just seems to get better only to become worse again, I realised I had gotten it all wrong: My bad days are rather like the tides - some days I feel like my land is entirely barren, like I will be stuck in the drought for ever, the waves, my happiness, will always return again. Even if it seems impossible. Even if my thoughts tell me that it won't. And I'm trying to learn to trust in that, even if it is difficult.

So, going into 2024, I hope I continue to make decisions based on what I want. I ope I continue to put in the work to heal, even if it feels really, really difficult some days. And I hope that I find myself again. I feel like through everything 2024 has thrown at me, I finally started to grow and take a couple of steps closer to the top of the mountain. And even if those are just small steps, they will lead to something good. I have to keep believing in that.

xxx Sarah

2022 is almost over so it's time for my annual year recap post! I feel like I changed so much this year, multiple times that it is going to be hard to sum it up but I will try! For that reason, this time, I'm going to recap the year going by months instead of categories.

January-Feburary

In January, I had my first therapy session with my new therapist. I had tried some sort of unofficial therapy before but it never seemed to work for me, but by the end of last year I was feeling so miserable mentally that I just had to give it one more shot. And, luckily, I found a therapist I really click with! But that also meant that I now had to start facing my demons instead of pushing all of my feelings down, pretending they don't exist. Which, of course, is painful and terrified me. I started to confront my shame, which was and still is tough - I might need to make a separate post about that some time. But what blew my mind is regarding this feeling not as something that I feel, but something that others feel, that belongs to them and that isn't mine.

In January, I also began a job at a publisher, which was supposed to continue for two months. Honestly, I didn't expect much when I applied (except to finally earn some money and feel less stressed out about finances) but my colleagues were all really lovely there so I really enjoyed it!

In February, my girlfriend and I also did a weekend trip to Vienna, right after we finished our exams, which was so much fun!

March-April

Fun experiences abound! My colleague at the publisher recommended me to her other colleague and eventually they were so happy with my work that they decided to take me on for two months more! This was the first time I experienced feeling somewhat confident in a work environment, as I just always assume I'm doing things wrong, especially in work settings.

In March, my theatre group friends and I also went to a theatre play. The play was called "The Inheritance" and was about the AIDS crisis and it was SO good. The play was split in two parts, each 2-3 hours long and we were never bored at all, so this should tell you how good it was.

May-June

2022 is the year I finally got to go to (multiple!) concerts again! May started out with a Conan Gray show, for which I prepared a litle fan project. It was a bit of a scary experience for me, as my friend who was supposed to accompany me couldn't make it after all - but I ended up attending the show with one of my newly-found theatre group friends. And, although I was still a ball of anxiety and didn't feel as happy as I used to do at concerts, it's still a cherished memory now.

Then, in June, I attended an Olivia Rodrigo concert, met a tumblr mutual there (!) and basically had a nice weekend getaway. And, just a few days later, I saw Lorde! I'm really grateful for the concerts I got to experience this year.

After the Conan concert, I was scared that my mental health was too bad to truly experience happiness anymore as concerts were usually the fool-proof place to make me happy. I actually spent a lot of time these months contemplating whether I can even still feel truly happy anymore. So, while I experienced these amazing concerts, I at the same time had to grapple with this voice that told me it was never going to get better, which, to be honest, was very tough.

But at least I got to see my closest friends again, which Covid had mostly prevented the previous two years.

July-October

I grouped these months together as I left for Ireland in August! Before I left, I was really nervous. I was so scared I was going to have a depressive episode and then I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. But, shortly before I left, I attended another concert with one of my closest friends, and for some reason that really gave me a confidence boost.

To be honest, I expected to hate having to spend 8 weeks in Ireland. While I do enjoy short trips, longer trips make me nervous, and I become especially nervous if I'm not in my home country. Surprisingly, the two months of Ireland was exactly what I needed. My host family was really lovely, and I loved the peace and tranquility I experienced abroad. I felt like my mind finally started processing some of those feelings I had kept locked up for so long. I specifically remember one afternoon when I was on the bus, driving home from work, and suddenly thought "I feel and have felt happy for multiple weeks now". After feeling like I'm not capable of this feeling anymore, I was startled that I had begun feeling happy again without even noticing. That's when it finally clicked for me that a) I deserve to be happy, b) I can feel happy again and c) that I finally needed to make some changes to ensure that happiness.

When I returned, I acted on my first resolution to achieve this goal, namely seeing my family less often. I was finally able to overcome feeling guilty for not visiting them more often, and accepting it as something I needed to do to preserve my mental health. I started to approach personal relationships in a different way, which now feel so much better. All this to say, had I listened to my anxiety and not done this stay abroad, I feel like I never would have had the courage to finally actively start working towards feeling better again.

November-December

This brings me to the end of the year. This all sounds very rosy, as if everyone of my problems is solved now, which is of course not true. I still oftentimes feel sad. I'm still only learning to talk about my feelings honestly with others (without making self-deprecating jokes to make it seem as if I'm not as hurt as I am). I still have days or weeks I feel hopeless. But I think I'm finally starting to crawl out of the pit I've been in for two years now. And I owe a lot of that to therapy - just having this safe space to learn how to talk about my feelings without being scared of being invalidated is SO helpful. Knowing that I'm allowed to make my feelings take up space in therapy is also so helpful.

So what are my hopes for next year? I hope I will continue to move forward. Or that, even if I move backward, I will have he courage to get back up and try again. This is also something that I've learned this year: Sometimes you just have to try. It doesn't have to be good, in fact you may decide that you're never going to do this new thing again, but you will be so happy you took that leap in the first place. 

Hoping for a good 2023,

xxx Sarah

Hello there! I haven't posted anything on here in a while (though I did once write a draft but never published it, oops), but no matter how sporadic these posts appear, I still occasionally feel like making a new one.

You might be slightly confused by the title, thhinking, "Well, who isn't?!" but let me explain. I never really thought of myself as being so controlled b what other people think of me. I mean, not anymore, at least. I had learnt the hard way that the opinions of strangers do not matter because they do not know me, hence why should I care about them liking me? Well. Turns out I'm not as over this insecurity of mien as I thought I would be.

As you may or may not know, I finally have a therpist I see regularly. And it's funny how these things go because a lot of time, when she asks me why I'm acting a certain way in certain situations it comes down to me being terrified of not being liked. I could now tell you why, but that would be a long story, plus I probably have already posted about it somewhere on here and I also don't know if I truly understand all aspects of it. But, let us note for the moment that I go into every situation in my life thinking I might not be liked and being scared of the repercussions if my fear ends up being confirmed.

Of course I did notice that I'm scared of this in some sort of way, but I always shrugged it off. I mean, I still enter social situations, right? So it can't be that bad. That is until I realized how many of my issues can be traced back to this fear. For example, I was surprised to hear myself tell my therapist that I indeed avoid situations for fear of not being liked. This might seem contradicting right now (haven't I just claimed the opposite?) but that's just because I didn't realize it myself. 

For example, a couple of weeks ago I wanted to throw a small party and I thought I'd invite my new friends from uni. Well, over the course of two weeks I convinced myself so much that they wouldn't want to come anyway, that they'd think of my party as boring anyway, etc. that I was really really close to just ditching the idea all together. Despite the fact that my new friends have never made me feel like I'm not good enough for them.

It also leaks into smaller parts of my life. I stop myself from asking other people questions because I'm scared they'll think of me as dumb and thus won't like me. I don't speak out when others hurt me because I'm scared they'll then be hurt in return and won't like me. I overanalyse every social situation ever, like a detective trying to find proof that the other person/people don't like me. I could go on and on.

Now, being scared per se is not a bad thing. But what is bad is that this fear controls my entire life. I hold myself back from new, exciting experiences because in my head I have already decided someone will judge me. And even if I do end up granting myself the experience, I'll spend the entire time overthinking how I should act so that others might like me, while at the same time convinced they have already settled on their opinion that they hate me. Or, I'll go home after a great day, and in the course of a few minutes I will have convinced myself that what I thought was a great day was rather a sham and everyone was tos cared to tell me they secretly hate me and hate that I'm there.

So, now that I'm conscious of it, I try to be aware of whenever this mind cycle starts happening. And I try to act counterintuitively. Enter new situations despite being scared, for example. Not avoiding but instead seeking conversation. And trying to accept that this fear might never go away, but I can change the way I act based on it.

This is all a long and winding way to say that I am trying, I guess. In Germany, we have this proverb called "Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung" (transl: Being aware of somethign is the first step to improving it). So I'll just have to believe in that.

xxx Sarah

 It's almost the new year which means it is time for my annual year recap post! 2021 has been one of the most challenging years of my life mentally to be honest, so uh yeah, hoping that next year will be better. 

In last year's post I made a resolution to care less what other people think. We'll return to that later on. For now, here are my basic categories I always talk about:

1) family

Unsurprisingly enough, me not being straight is still making things difficult with my family. One of my brothers is really supportive but with the rest of the family I feel like I am constantly walking on a tightrope. My other brother only talks about my sexuality to my parents (in a clearly condescending way), but never to my face. My dad just kind of decided not to talk about (as we always do in my family) and my mum... well, at least she does not talk to me about it that much anymore. This is supposed to be the last year during which I have to keep my sexuality a secret to the public, so here's to hoping things will get better somehow in 2022.

On the brighter side, I got really close with my supportive brother this year! We actually bought us inline skates again this year (this was our favorite hobby as kids) and started to skate around time at least one a week for a bit. We also still text a bunch since I've moved out and I feel like he trusts me emotionally? Which is a good thing because my brother is usually very closed off to everyone around him. My half-brother also got another daughter! They're currently visiting us and my niece is very very cute, though she spends most of her time sleeping (good for her!).

I've also moved out in September (more about that later) so I've been having some air to breathe and not feel clouded by shame from my family anymore. At least when I'm not at home.

2) friends

I finally got to see my friends again this year! Last year I practically only ever saw my girlfriend and my best friend, so I was really happy that I could for example finally see Josy again! I hope Josy doesn't mind me witing this (you will probably read this post eventually I guess?) but I feel like we've grown even closer this year. And I spent a couple of days at her place in June during which we recreated Taylor's album covers, watched Camp Rock and the reputation tour (again!) and I (slightly drunk) swiped through her dating apps, as one does!

One of my favorite moments was going to pride again with my friends this year - we did a whole roadtrip and it was just very fun! 

I also finally met my uni friends in person again and to be honest, I have to admit that I was always rather reluctant to share personal details to them (maybe that's also an introvert thing - I feel if I focus my energy on too many friends I'll just half-ass things) but when we met in summer this year we had such a good time and I was really happy that I got to know them during my bachelor's degree!

Moving came with trying to find new friends, and to be completely honest, I was struggling with that a bit. Mainly because it also coincided with my worst mental health phase but also I seemed to have unlearned any and all social skills during the pandemic. I did join a drama group again, though! And it makes me very happy because I had totally forgotten how much I love theatre people because in my experience they're all very kind and welcoming! Also, most of them are gay which is another plus haha. 

3) love

Well. It has certainly been a year. Don't worry, I'm still in a relationship with my girlfriend. However, I really struggled with obsessive thoughts this year. As in, since I am so terrified of losing control of anything and a relationship is the most uncontrollable thing ever, I really struggled with how to handle my anxious thoughts. I still do, to be honest. And I wish it was more talked about. Like all I knew about love were the romanticized notions of love in media and if something wasn't exactly how I saw it on tv for example, it would send me down a thinking spiral that lasted at least a couple of weeks. I think I'm through the thick of it but I'm still struggling. And that is okay. Above all, I've learned that love is a choice. You just have to make sure that choice is one worth making.

I've also moved in with my girlfriend! Which is a new and interesting experience. We're still trying to get the hang of it to be honest and it's been lots of communication about why a certain thing that seems totally fine to the other person bothers you so much. After not seeing each other that much because of covid last year and also this year for another three months, it feels really good not to be anxious about whether we'll ever see each other again soon anymore. So yay!

Concerning my first girl crush (which I talked about in my recap posts since 2018 oops), well. I'm still struggling with my mixed feelings looking back on that moment in my life. And on her as a person. But I'm still living! Despite her not being a part of my life anymore. Maybe I'll also never really get over her but maybe that's not the point? Maybe this dull ache will stay forever, but maybe instead of viewing it as something bad I can view it as a reminder of my capacity to love someone so deeply I still love them and wish them well despite what happened.

4) general state of mind

Two words: Not good. It started with my obsessive thinking spirals, accompanied by regular anxious sensations in my body which also manifested itself (at least instead of headaches like I had last year) as stomach aches in the middle of the night and (yes!) not being able to hear on one ear whenever I am particularly stressed out. I still meditated but it wasn't enough. At some point I sought out a few therapy sessions from my uni which were mainly just talking. And that helped, don't get me wrong! But I still felt trapped in my mind patterns and in my negative feelings.

Bright days only ever seemed to last a few days and then I'd feel shitty for weeks on end again. In autumn, I got worse. I've actually been told it might be a mild case of depression so yeah, you can imagine how I might be feeling. But I'll regularly attend therapist sessions starting January or February and I'm really really hoping I'll finally get better again. The thing I was struggling with the most was me returning to unhealthy thought patterns I thought I had already overcome in the course of highschool only for them to come back and hit me again full-force. 

I also have a really hard time talking about just how bad I am doing. Maybe it's about not wanting other people to worry about me, I don't know. My mental health state has definitely taken on a toll on all of my relationships and I'm really glad I'll be getting support through therapy last year because I feel like I cannot pull myself out of this hole on my own this time.

5) favorite moments this year

a) Spending a few days in June at Josy's place

b) the day I first saw our new apartment

c) watching West Side Story with a bunch of drama group people

d) when Josy and I screamed and danced along to Paper Rings one hour before I turned 21 (yes we were definitely I tiny bit tired asdkaskjh)

e) pride with my friends

f) getting a role in a play again!

g) getting my bachelor's degree!

h) whenever one of my half-brothers visited with their kids

i) meeting up with my uni friends again after two years

k) (omg I totally forgot about that one) but spending three days at a workshop in July and on one evening walking up this hill at night to look at the skyline of the city

l) getting an A+ on the term paper for my favorite uni class thus far!

so, what about my resolution?

To be honest I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for 2021 being literally one of the years where other people's opinion mattered the most to me. It's difficult to not care and it doesn't always work and that should be okay. 

As for next year's resolution, I don't think I want to make one. All I want to focus next year is getting better and feeling better again. And then I hope the rest will fall into place somehow.

Until next year,

xxx Sarah

songs that were most important for me this year: Serotonin - girl in red, drivers license - Olivia Rodrigo

tv shows that were most important for me this year: Young Royals, Love Victor

The last couple of weeks I've spend a lot of time thinking and reading about thoughts (you'll hopefully get what I mean by that by the end of this post). I've learned so many things now, and I wish someone had told me earlier that just because you have thoughts like "what if I end up doing xy bad thing" that doesn't mean that it will actually happen. I thought I'd make this post for my fellow chronic overthinkers out there to share what has helped me recently so maybe it can help you, too (Beware that this will probably be a longer post than usual). I'll list some resources I've found useful at the end as well :) (Also pls notice that this is not meant as a cure all and you should always consult with a therapist when in doubt)

    My relationship with my thoughts has always been a strained one. Like I've said, I'm a chronic overthinker to the point that fellow overthinkers I know have even told me they don't even overthink as much as I do (wow, what a sentence). The earliest memory I have of really overthinking myself into an unhelpful state was when I was little and couldn't fall asleep most of the time. I think it all started with me lying in bed one day wondering if one might be able to notice the exact moment when one falls asleep (spoiler alert: you can't) , then I pushed that thought away because I wanted to, well, sleep. What this did is that it took me until I was, like, 14 to not get really anxious any time I was about to go to sleep and to actually be able to sleep over at a friend's house without pushing myself (through my thoughts) into panicking. Of course, I have improved in that aspect but ever since I've started spending time thinking about my sometimes obsessive thoughts, I've come to realize that this thoughts spiral has accompanied me (with different topics of course) throughout my entire life. The first six months of this year, for example, were, to sum it up, horrible. I got really caught up in what-if scenarios, to the point where I a) felt like I was not really here anymore and b) where I couldn't really give others the attention they deserve. I distinctively remember telling my girlfriend that I feel like I'm a different person who's not really ME whenever I would get in these thought spirals for weeks or even months. Now, looking back, I know how it started: I had a random thought that went something like "What if I did [xy horrible thing]/ What if [xy horrible thing] happened?". Because I've been always taught to counter my thoughts (more on that later), I immediately started telling myself off, like "Shut up, you know this is never going to happen, look at xyz". What I didn't realize is that because of that, I gave my thoughts even more power. Suddenly this little what-if scenario, this little thought which normally would've passed over in a few minutes became the ruler of my mind. I would think about that hypothetical scenario multiple times a day, making myself feel miserable in the process. Albeit, thinking is not the truth, I rather noticed the thought arose and I pushed it back down denying myself to think it. And, well, as you can guess, this all made it worse.

    So much about my own story. And I’ve found that intrusive thoughts can really be about anything: Your body, social situations, that one thing that you did wrong when you were 10 that still haunts you when you are trying to fall asleep and makes you cringe. And, what's more, you usually don't even realize those thoughts are intrusive. After all, we think we ARE our thoughts, that they define who we truly are, deep down, right? At least that has been my belief for the past twenty years of my life. The first time I read the sentence "you are not your thoughts" I panicked: "But if I'm not my thoughts, who am I then? Then there's nothing anymore that makes me me" but I soon come to realize that it just means that whatever thoughts arise in you are not reflective of who you are as a person. So, for example, you might get an intrusive thought like "What if I end up betraying that person's trust? Maybe I'm too selfish to be close to them. Yes, I am selfish, and I should do something about it. Maybe I should just stop spending time to avoid that this bad thing ever happens". But just because you think those things, doesn't mean they are something you truly want. I've come to see my mind as an unreliable narrator. In a book I've recently read, the author explained it the following way: Imagine your friend isn't replying to you for, let's say, more than 24 hours. Your mind starts coming to the worst conclusions "Oh my God, they must hate me. Or maybe they got into an accident. Maybe my wording was off. Maybe they want to break off our friendship.". Then, a couple of hours later, your friend texts you back to say they were visiting someone and they brought you a small gift from their trip. Now your mind is happy, you feel grateful about this person and you forget that just hours before your mind was convinced the other person wanted nothing to do with you anymore. That is what I mean by unreliable narrator: Your mind changes opinions faster than other people change clothes, yet we still tend to take these thoughts at face value. What's more, your thoughts are not objective (no matter how hard your mind tries to convince you that you are, indeed, gonna get into a car accident on your way to work today), they are impacted by past experiences. If you had a friend like that who gave you this kind of advice, you'd dump them. A quote I wrote down from this book I was reading was this: "Your mind is always telling you that you have to change something outside to solve your inner problems. But if you are wise, you won't play this game. You'll realize that the advice your mind is giving you is psychologically damaged advice. Your mind's thoughts are disturbed by fears." So why do we still accept our thoughts as truthful and accurate as to who we are?

    Essentially, thinking is a way to exert control over our outside world. We think if we just think about stuff long enough, we actually have an influence about them. Spoiler alert: We don't. My mind at least was convinced that if I just thought about every possible scenario hard enough, I'd be prepared for whatever is to come and that then would change the outcome. How often has ruminating about things that haven't even happened yet really changed anything? Never. Things will happen, and you cannot stop them from happening. So, you might as well embrace the uncertainty instead of spending your entire energy trying to control something that is uncontrollable. Another quote: "What your mind is doing is making up external situations that might make things more comfortable. But the external situation is not the cause fo your inner problem. They are merely an attempt to solve the problem." Not to mention that these thoughts are holding you back (One of the books I was reading said we are constantly trying to protect or defend ourselves from our pain which is actually a very useless task because we start building our life around not getting hurt which is, well, tedious. But that's a bit off topic). 

    So, what do I now do whenever intrusive thoughts arise? The first mistake I've stopped making is pushing away these thoughts that scare me. Because that's essentially what it was: I'd get a "what if" thought and just having this thought instantly terrified me, because does this mean xyz? As already mentioned, I gave them more power by actually ignoring them. I've also stopped constantly trying to talk back at my thoughts, which basically felt like having to unravel a whole life concept. You actually do not need to comment your thought at all. I let an anxious thought arise and then I just say to myself "Okay, you are a thought. And I'm not scared of you. In fact, I'm letting you sit in the chair in front of me. You are not a signal, not a warning. You may be disturbing, you may make me anxious, but you are not anxious. You are just a thought." Doing this alone has helped me so much because it takes away the power of the thought. It also separates yourself from your thoughts; because as I've already said, you are NOT your thoughts and talking about them from an outsider's perspective helps detaching yourself from it. Or, at times, I just tell myself "Okay. Maybe this will happen, or maybe not." This felt very scary to me at first because I thought if I show any acceptance of my thought, it will make it real. Actually, the opposite was the case: It stopped me from diving headfirst into a spiral because it stopped me from longing for that 100% certainty which I would never get, anyway.

    What I also do in that outsider's perspective is that I just do a quick check whenever bad feelings arise. Let's say I need to make a phone call, and I am absolutely terrified of it (as always). My mind tells me I'm gonna embarrass myself, the person at the other end of the line will think I'm weird and it will be an overall horrible experience. To detach myself from my thoughts, I tell myself, "Okay. You are feeling anxious. You are thinking that you'll have to bury yourself after this phone call." Just this simple distinction alone makes me snap out of my thought spiral and actually notice what's going on in my mind. If that still does not help, I've learned this four-part strategy to approaching and breaking down anxious thoughts: 

    1) How likely is it that this thing I am afraid of will happen? (In my anxious mind, I almost always reply 99% but see how you can never be 100% sure of it? that leaves at least the 1% chance of it going okay) 

    2) How awful would it be if this thing happened? (Would I really have to move into the woods to be never seen again or would the dentist's assistant forget who I was after a couple days max anyways?)

    3) How well would I be able to cope? (So, presuming I'll embarrass myself, so what? I've embarrassed myself countless of times already and I'm still standing. I'm not going to die if it happens.)

    4) What support can I get? And: Will others really care? (The second question ties in with point to. Support can be friends who talk you up or just maybe writing down what I'm going to say so if I blackout, I've got something to draw back to.)

     One of the books also talked about emotions and thoughts as being part of an energy cycle. Don't get freaked out - I thought it was very spiritual, too but you do not have to actually think you have this energy to imagine it. If I get a thought or a feeling, I imagine this thought or feeling to enter my energy cycle. But everything that enters eventually leaves unless I stop it from doing so. Let's say I stumbled over my feet while getting on the train (something that has happened to me way too many times already rip) while everyone was watching me. I can a) delve into this feeling of embarrassment, either by pushing it away or ruminating over the situation for hours or days on end, scolding myself for what happened. Or b) I can appreciate that it's just a feeling, like happiness, or a thought that I experience. Nothing more, nothing less. I let it enter my energy system, flow through it and exit again, like a wave in the ocean (sometimes I even visually picture it that way to support this).

    I know some of this sounds overly simplified and I truly cannot explain it as well as the people who have talked about this in depth have, so if you want to really get to the bottom of it, here are some sources which helped me:

    1) the book "You Will Get Through This Night" by Daniel Howell: Literally would recommend this book to anyone, really, it contains tons of useful tips.

    2) This YouTube video: Helped me to grasp the basics of what is going on inside of my head and to start to re-evaluate my thoughts.

    3) the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A.Singer: Sometimes does feel overly simplified and is at times very spiritual. BUT it is very easy to understand and it fundamentally changed my overthinking tendencies.

    I hope some of this helped at least one person. If I had had someone back then who had told me that I am not crazy for thinking my thoughts and that these thoughts are not a reflection of who I am, I might not have gotten stuck in my thought spiral for so long this year. I guess if you take only one thing away from this, let it be this: "You are not your thoughts."

xxx Sarah