Find a life of your own.

I've got a problem. A problem with boys. It's not what you'd think though. It's not about me constantly meeting douchebags (though still... why @ life? A bit of an alternation would be nice for once), no it's a generally problem about my perception of guys.

So, you see, after everything that went down yesterday (you probably read it on my tumblr), I started thinking - and trust me, it's not as if I think this whole situation is my fault, it was rather a general reflection of every situation I've ever met with boys - that I somehow got trust issues opening up to any male person, to be honest.

Why?, I thought. I mean technically the only difference is the gender and maybe a bit the upbringing and the standards that are put upon them by society but still, why do I feel like every male person on this whole planet will eventually betray me and leave me in pieces?

I started reflecting upon my past. And then it hit me (and trust me, I am as sick as you are of always coming back to that point): It's because of everything that went down in 2014. See, the girls of my then-class were also included in the whole drama of it and quite frankly also played a major part in it, but it was rather a silent one which included whispering and rumors. In addition to that, I still had very good female friends so why should I question my own whole gender because of it?

But then there were those two boys in my class. Oh, how I hated them (and still do, though thankfully one of them has left our school like two years ago). Maybe it's in the nature of boys to just generally tend to voice their dislike of a person more loudly than girls do, but that's just what they did. They were the main reason for my self-loathing and my sadness because they did not shy away from making low-key nasty remarks about me in class that no teacher would ever understand nor recognize.

And maybe that's why today, every time I meet a new guy, I'm like "Don't tell him too much about you. He's gonna betray you, he'll end up destroying your life and making fun of you. He'll leave you heartbroken anyways." (upon that note, I also thought about the whole "you get what you give" phenomenon like maybe it is a little bit my fault that I'm always meeting fuckboys, I don't know). See, I don't even give most boys the CHANCE to get to know me properly because I'm so afraid of disappointment.

I think deep down I always realized that. But I have no idea how to change my behavior, to be honest as I have yet to meet a guy who is genuinely and sincerely interested in me. It's as if if I haven't got proof someone like that exists, I won't believe it. Dangerous, I know, but as I said, still hard to change so fast.

I hope someday I'll come across someone who accompanies me on my way to finding a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

If you know me, you'd know that I'm trying really hard to positive and optimistic as often as possible. I want to be so full of light that others feel happy, too. That's my aspiration.

But it does not always work out.

Today is such a day. Yesterday I was so happy, we finally got our huge project done which included a lot of stress and worrying and sleepless nights for me at least and I just felt happy because I dared to talk to teachers normally and be like overall more me than before. Yes, I also got some criticism for being such a control freak but I was okay with that as it's just a part of my persona, this wanting to do everything as perfect as possible.

I went home. And then I went to sleep. And then my mind started racing.

"Oh my god", it said, "Why did you ever even open your mouth today? You're so embarrassing. Everyone probably thinks you're annoying and does not want to hang out with you anymore."

Of course I know that these insecurities are probably only in my head. My mind sure does know that. But my thoughts still started spiraling. I tried to make them stop by falling asleep and it felt like I escaped them for a few hours, I was doing remotely fine at school but then I noticed that one of my teachers was in a bad mood and as I'm so hyper-sensitive it immediately projected onto my own mood, up to the point when I felt like crying or as if I had to do something, make something, touch something, anything literally, just to easy this feeling that was spreading deep in my bones.

The thing is, no one ever notices when I'm not feeling well. Maybe it's my fault, because I'm always just smiling and laughing even when I'm actually not feeling well. Don't ask me why; it just simply happens. And so it went unnoticed and now I'm at home and I can literally sense the bad days coming and I just wish someone would tell me how to stop this thought spiral, how to escape those inevitably dark days. I don't WANT to live through them. I am so sick of them.

And now I'm writing this out into the off. It helps; it eases the pain and the numbness a little bit. I just wish I could talk to someone in real life about it or that someone would care enough to want to actually know (I already talked about how I for whatever reason always expect people to notice). But I also know the burden that comes with it, how it makes or could make others feel to hear about my pain and problems and I don't want to be a cause for their unhappiness either.

So now I'm trapped. There are a hundred thoughts in my head right now. I wish I could let them free, open the gates of the cage and they would just fly out of my being and disappear into the nothingness.

They never do though.

I just wish someone would do anything. I have no idea what.

Maybe having problems with finding a life of your own is ok.

xxx Sarah

A while ago I read this book called "All the bright places" by Jennifer Niven (one of my favorite authors by the way - if you don't know her, definitely check her books out!). Overall I absolutely adored the book but one particular thing sticks in my mind up until this day, nearly one and a half years later. Finch, one of the protagonists of the novel, has a bipolar disorder yet her refuses to go to a therapist to get it checked and have his mental illness be official. Why? He is afraid of treated differently by others. By that, he means that people will avoid him because he has a mental illness or they will think of him as insane because of his particular disorder.

And that really resonated within me.

You see, there are all sorts of stereotypes in our society. It's even more plainly visible if you take a look at a school, a grade, or even more specifically a class. There are the cool ones, the popular ones, the quiet ones, the weird ones and so on.

I myself would probably be one of the quiet ones; I do not participate that much in class and I enjoy spending my time at home rather than going out (well, actually, this also has to do with me being an introvert but that's another discussion).

As you see, it's pretty easy to decide to break down a person into one fraction and say that is their whole being. But it's dangerous I think. (the following example in this case is me, just because I know myself best and rather shy away from judging others too much)

I personally am of course quiet and more what you'd call shy in class due to past experiences that I already explained many times on here. I do not deny that this is a part of who I am as a person. However, oftentimes people take that small tiny fraction of my life and project it onto my whole persona. And sometimes it truly frustrates me as I think this treatment is very unfair. Sometimes I feel like everyone purposefully ignores the fact that I am very open-minded to new people and most of the time approach strangers more easily than you think. I'm also someone who makes friends pretty fast and I do talk a TON. Just not in this particular situation most people meet me in.

Yes, of course I cannot expect of e.g. teachers to know more about me than my behavior in class. Nevertheless, what I am able to expect is people appreciating that this is not my whole being, that there is more to me than what's on the surface.

I can apply that to other people, too. The popular ones aren't always just cool and easy-going, sometimes they, too, have deep thoughts and are actually very smart, the weird ones might be showing themselves off this way to only attract the right people, to easily see who truly matters. It's just not something visible at the first glance. But sadly most people fail to look closer and let their prejudices stop themselves from truly great experiences and different insights.

What I want to say with this I guess is that my wish for the future is that everyone tries being a little more empathetic. Showing others that yes, there might be stereotypes but I won't generalize you to that. (maybe this would also add to diminishing the stigma around mental illnesses for example, as people would maybe be more open and honest with their own if they knew others would not judge them for it).

Be a little more empathetic. That's all the world needs sometimes. Help others find a life of their own.

xxx Sarah