looking back at 2017 & resolutions
About a year ago, I made this post, "2016 and New Year's Resolutions". I recalled it again as 2017 is slowly coming to an end.
My resolution was to find a way to be happy without having some sort of love interest. And that I'm able to overcome my fears and start being brave. Have I achieved my goal? I'll tell you at the end of this post, but first off I think it'd be good to have a quick recap of this year.
1. Family
Not much has changed compared to last year. My brother is still in therapy, and now, towards the end of this year, my grandpa is doing worse again. He's just constantly in pain and I understand his wish to let go of his life as he has lived a really long and beautiful life indeed.
I'm sometimes struggling with my family. I feel like everyone places their expectations on me and that just adds up to my internalized fear of never being good enough. I'll also never be okay with the fact that my parents are still kinda homophobic. Well, we haven't particularly talked about this topic since I was like five but I know they were outraged when our parliament voted for marriage equality here in Germany.
Oh, on the brighter side though, my half brother married and the marriage was beautiful (he even cried a bit which I've never seen happening before). I guess I officially got two sisters now.
2. Friends
At the end of 2016 I talked about how I was starting to find a really good group of friends and how I was hoping the friendship would last.
It did.
I got so close with so many people this year. They went to our theatre performance for me. They defend me. They care for my feelings. They don't treat me any different just because of my past.
I got drunk for the first (and probably for now the last) time ever. They were on my side. They supported me, even people that I personally barely talk to.
One of my friends keeps up with Taylor Swift news for me. She watches the music videos as soon as they came out and whenever she saw me posting about a new song being released off of reputation, she immediately listened to it. She was also the one who came up with the idea to choose LWYMMD as the song for our choreography in our PE class. She's pretty upfront and honest but at least you know that if she likes you, she really DOES like you.
Another great group of people are the people in my theatre group. We experienced so much together this year, all these weekends spent together rehearsing and not to forget our three performances, which probably are the reason why I bonded with quite a few of them. It's literally never boring when I'm with them and we had so much fun last school year, that I'm a part of our theatre group again, despite it being my senior year at high school.
I attended my first party this year. It was insane to me that people actually wanted ME to come, like that they genuinely liked me enough to invite me. And although I had my doubts about actually going, it was so much fun and I realized sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone pays off.
There were many more small moments like this that made me feel so loved. A peer driving me home after every single tennis training. A friend telling me she thinks I'm really caring about others. Hugs that lasted for what felt like a life time and that led us dancing around the room in pirouettes. Someone telling me I deserve to rest. Spending two hours eating ice cream and talking with my theatre group during summer break. Spending my birthday eating ice cream again and just talking for three hours straight.
I know I got worse again towards the end of the year. I know I neglected some friends for which I'm really sorry for. But I'm here again. I feel alive again. And I will try to fix what still can be fixed.
To end this point, I've met Julia in October. First off, her hugs are amazing but in addition to that we had so much fun trash-talking boys, discussing Taylor and the music industry with people in line for the Madeline Juno concert. And of course singing and dancing until our feet hurt. Julia, if you're reading this, I cannot wait to meet you again next year. I love you.
3. Love
Towards the beginning of the year, I tried to stay true to my resolution to try to stop looking for someone new to fall in love with. And to learn how to talk with boys normally. The second aspect eventually worked out but of course although I wasn't crushing on anyone really, I kept feeling like I was missing out by not being in a relationship with someone, especially since my closest friends all have a boyfriend.
In summer, at my summer job, I met this guy. He was tall and good looking and on top of that seemed really kind. And as unbelievable as it was to me, he actually enjoyed talking to me and getting to know me. I started feeling as if this was my chance. Maybe this time it would work out. It didn't though. And as much heartbreak I felt because of it, it truly brought me close to my goal than ever. Amidst this mess I realized, "Hey, I don't need a boyfriend. I've got amazing friends and I enjoy focusing on them and my education. I don't need him to fulfill me". A quiet realization inside of me. And though I continued to feel bad for quite a while and I couldn't truly escape the hole until two weeks ago, I feel like it's powerful. And I'm proud of myself.
4. General state of mind
About this time last year, I started raising my hand in my French and English class. And especially in French I'd say my participation has increased even more. Partly because of my French teacher (get you a teacher who supports your being as a Taylor Swift fangirl), partly because of myself I guess. I find the atmosphere of lessons to be less... devastating I guess. At one point during a lesson she even said "Not only Sarah should know the answers, you should, too!" and it made me feel so happy because it has been YEARS since a teacher actually complained about me raising my hand too many times compared to the others.
The past few months, however, the rate of my participation has diminished a bit again. Not because I was feeling afraid again but rather because I was so caught up in my sadness added on top of my stress because of exam time and senior year that I just didn't feel like talking in class was something I could do. And it wasn't on my mind, either, honestly.
I have this bad habit of piling my problems upon on myself as it's really hard for me to share my struggles with others. I guess this has to do with my past, too but anyways, I often feel like my feelings are a burden and keep them to myself which isn't healthy, at all. I'm trying to work on it though. I talked to Julia not that long ago and that already made me feel so much better.
Where am I heading? I truly don't know. There's this girl in my theatre group I really like but I don't know where that will lead to. 2018 is also the year I'll be graduating from high school and though I'm not as scared of it as I was at the beginning of this year, I still don't know - for the most part at least - what I'll be doing this time next year. Who will I be? Will I manage to stay in touch with at least some of my friends from school? Will I finally have a small plan?
All I know is that I did indeed achieve my resolutions. And I don't know, for next year, as I know how hard it will be anyways, I just hope I'll end up being happy with myself and my choices. No matter where they'll take me.
Continuing on the wild journey of finding a life of my own,
xxx Sarah
My resolution was to find a way to be happy without having some sort of love interest. And that I'm able to overcome my fears and start being brave. Have I achieved my goal? I'll tell you at the end of this post, but first off I think it'd be good to have a quick recap of this year.
1. Family
Not much has changed compared to last year. My brother is still in therapy, and now, towards the end of this year, my grandpa is doing worse again. He's just constantly in pain and I understand his wish to let go of his life as he has lived a really long and beautiful life indeed.
I'm sometimes struggling with my family. I feel like everyone places their expectations on me and that just adds up to my internalized fear of never being good enough. I'll also never be okay with the fact that my parents are still kinda homophobic. Well, we haven't particularly talked about this topic since I was like five but I know they were outraged when our parliament voted for marriage equality here in Germany.
Oh, on the brighter side though, my half brother married and the marriage was beautiful (he even cried a bit which I've never seen happening before). I guess I officially got two sisters now.
2. Friends
At the end of 2016 I talked about how I was starting to find a really good group of friends and how I was hoping the friendship would last.
It did.
I got so close with so many people this year. They went to our theatre performance for me. They defend me. They care for my feelings. They don't treat me any different just because of my past.
I got drunk for the first (and probably for now the last) time ever. They were on my side. They supported me, even people that I personally barely talk to.
One of my friends keeps up with Taylor Swift news for me. She watches the music videos as soon as they came out and whenever she saw me posting about a new song being released off of reputation, she immediately listened to it. She was also the one who came up with the idea to choose LWYMMD as the song for our choreography in our PE class. She's pretty upfront and honest but at least you know that if she likes you, she really DOES like you.
Another great group of people are the people in my theatre group. We experienced so much together this year, all these weekends spent together rehearsing and not to forget our three performances, which probably are the reason why I bonded with quite a few of them. It's literally never boring when I'm with them and we had so much fun last school year, that I'm a part of our theatre group again, despite it being my senior year at high school.
I attended my first party this year. It was insane to me that people actually wanted ME to come, like that they genuinely liked me enough to invite me. And although I had my doubts about actually going, it was so much fun and I realized sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone pays off.
There were many more small moments like this that made me feel so loved. A peer driving me home after every single tennis training. A friend telling me she thinks I'm really caring about others. Hugs that lasted for what felt like a life time and that led us dancing around the room in pirouettes. Someone telling me I deserve to rest. Spending two hours eating ice cream and talking with my theatre group during summer break. Spending my birthday eating ice cream again and just talking for three hours straight.
I know I got worse again towards the end of the year. I know I neglected some friends for which I'm really sorry for. But I'm here again. I feel alive again. And I will try to fix what still can be fixed.
To end this point, I've met Julia in October. First off, her hugs are amazing but in addition to that we had so much fun trash-talking boys, discussing Taylor and the music industry with people in line for the Madeline Juno concert. And of course singing and dancing until our feet hurt. Julia, if you're reading this, I cannot wait to meet you again next year. I love you.
3. Love
Towards the beginning of the year, I tried to stay true to my resolution to try to stop looking for someone new to fall in love with. And to learn how to talk with boys normally. The second aspect eventually worked out but of course although I wasn't crushing on anyone really, I kept feeling like I was missing out by not being in a relationship with someone, especially since my closest friends all have a boyfriend.
In summer, at my summer job, I met this guy. He was tall and good looking and on top of that seemed really kind. And as unbelievable as it was to me, he actually enjoyed talking to me and getting to know me. I started feeling as if this was my chance. Maybe this time it would work out. It didn't though. And as much heartbreak I felt because of it, it truly brought me close to my goal than ever. Amidst this mess I realized, "Hey, I don't need a boyfriend. I've got amazing friends and I enjoy focusing on them and my education. I don't need him to fulfill me". A quiet realization inside of me. And though I continued to feel bad for quite a while and I couldn't truly escape the hole until two weeks ago, I feel like it's powerful. And I'm proud of myself.
4. General state of mind
About this time last year, I started raising my hand in my French and English class. And especially in French I'd say my participation has increased even more. Partly because of my French teacher (get you a teacher who supports your being as a Taylor Swift fangirl), partly because of myself I guess. I find the atmosphere of lessons to be less... devastating I guess. At one point during a lesson she even said "Not only Sarah should know the answers, you should, too!" and it made me feel so happy because it has been YEARS since a teacher actually complained about me raising my hand too many times compared to the others.
The past few months, however, the rate of my participation has diminished a bit again. Not because I was feeling afraid again but rather because I was so caught up in my sadness added on top of my stress because of exam time and senior year that I just didn't feel like talking in class was something I could do. And it wasn't on my mind, either, honestly.
I have this bad habit of piling my problems upon on myself as it's really hard for me to share my struggles with others. I guess this has to do with my past, too but anyways, I often feel like my feelings are a burden and keep them to myself which isn't healthy, at all. I'm trying to work on it though. I talked to Julia not that long ago and that already made me feel so much better.
Where am I heading? I truly don't know. There's this girl in my theatre group I really like but I don't know where that will lead to. 2018 is also the year I'll be graduating from high school and though I'm not as scared of it as I was at the beginning of this year, I still don't know - for the most part at least - what I'll be doing this time next year. Who will I be? Will I manage to stay in touch with at least some of my friends from school? Will I finally have a small plan?
All I know is that I did indeed achieve my resolutions. And I don't know, for next year, as I know how hard it will be anyways, I just hope I'll end up being happy with myself and my choices. No matter where they'll take me.
Continuing on the wild journey of finding a life of my own,
xxx Sarah
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