how I found out I am bi
This feels a little weird to post, not gonna lie, simply because I'm pretty much still in the closet (except for the internet, of course) but I thought about making a post like this for a while now and some of you said they would be interested in it so here I am.
So, hi, in case you did not know, I'm Sarah and I'm bisexual. Or at least I currently identify as bisexual.
I know usually in posts or videos about this kind of topic people usually say the have known since forever but for me it did not happen like that. I mean, looking back, yeah maybe, but I'll get to that later on perhaps.
Being anything other than straight never really occurred to me to be honest as my parents are strictly Christian and therefore don't accept homosexuals. I remember when I was like six, my mum would like complain about this Christian preacher being openly gay and I was like "but where's the problem mum? He just loves who he loves." and my mum was like "No, but being gay is actually a disease that should be cured". And even though she said it, it still never made sense to me why God should love people less because of who they love so I have actually remained supportive of the LGBT community despite various interactions like that.
But, of course, I thought I was straight. I had multiple crushes on boys and by the time I heard about the term "bisexual", I was already pretty settled in that matter. However, about two years ago, I started thinking "But what IF I actually like girls?" but quickly brushed it away because as I said, I hat multiple crushes on guys. Well, technically, from time to time, the thought would still hit me but I always reacted the same, even when, in 11th grade, there were two moments with two different girls that I couldn't stop thinking about.
Then, on the 10th of November (I only know the exact date because it was the day reputation was released) of last year, I was at this party with one of the girls I mentioned in the last sentence. Actually, both were there, but I only interacted with one of them. And at one point we were just standing in this little lobby next to each other, practically all by ourselves and I thought "I wouldn't mind it if you kissed me right now.". I was so shocked by that thought that I quickly pushed it away again, but about a week later, I had a theatre rehearsal with said girl and every time she'd look at me or say something to me, my heart would just go absolutely batshit crazy and I didn't understand what was going on at all.
This state of confusion pretty much held on, with me constantly searching for the girl in every crowd and quite literally relating to the song Gorgeous so hard. Then I just happened to stumble upon this book called Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda and I read it because I saw there was a movie coming out soon and I just remember literally devouring it and on the evening that I finished it feeling absolutely invincible. And I thought "Hey, I think I really do have a crush on this girl, don't I? Does this mean that I'm.... bi?".
You see, I still wasn't sure about the whole thing. What if I told anyone (actually I have told Julia and the controversial pumpkins already but that was something else) that I was bi but then it turned out, after time, that I was just confused and I wasn't actually bi and falsely claimed this label and people would attack me etc etc (basically just my anxiety running wild). But then I found this video on youtube by this girl named Ava Gridley and she talked about how she found out she was bi. And for the first time in my entire journey did I hear someone say "I actually did not always know I was bi" and it felt like a burden was lifted off of my chest because maybe I was normal after all? And the one thing that really stuck out to me was her saying "just wanna tell ya, if you think you're bi then you probably are." and it helped me SO MUCH in terms of accepting myself and who I am.
I know labels ain't shit but I really have this strong urge to fit within a group and I was so glad I finally found a place somewhere.
Of course, looking back there were perhaps some moments which could've indicated this whole thing already but I never really payed attention to those. I recently watched a video of a girl talking about her childhood girl crushes and it made me realize that I loved most of them, too and it made so much more sense to me why I was like literally obsessed with them. Or that girl I met one summer when I was like 9 and we were on this program where we did something like a haunted house and we held hands all the way through it and how I desperately hoped I would see her again whenever I was in town.
The thing is, you don't have to have all the answers yet. Maybe you are still questioning your sexuality, maybe you don't want to label yourself or you do, either is fine, really. You've got a whole life to figure this out and if it changes, don't worry, sexuality is fluid. Perhaps one day I'll say "nope I'm gay" or "nope I'm straight" and that's fine, too. Don't limit yourself. And don't worry if you find out later in life than most people. That doesn't make your sexuality less real or valid.
And, if you're still in the closet like I mostly am, please remember that you are loved and someday you will find the strength to be who you actually are and find people who accept you no matter who you love. And that safety and the feeling of complete acceptance will be the best thing in the world.
Until then, I wish you good luck on the way of finding a life of your own.
xxx Sarah
So, hi, in case you did not know, I'm Sarah and I'm bisexual. Or at least I currently identify as bisexual.
I know usually in posts or videos about this kind of topic people usually say the have known since forever but for me it did not happen like that. I mean, looking back, yeah maybe, but I'll get to that later on perhaps.
Being anything other than straight never really occurred to me to be honest as my parents are strictly Christian and therefore don't accept homosexuals. I remember when I was like six, my mum would like complain about this Christian preacher being openly gay and I was like "but where's the problem mum? He just loves who he loves." and my mum was like "No, but being gay is actually a disease that should be cured". And even though she said it, it still never made sense to me why God should love people less because of who they love so I have actually remained supportive of the LGBT community despite various interactions like that.
But, of course, I thought I was straight. I had multiple crushes on boys and by the time I heard about the term "bisexual", I was already pretty settled in that matter. However, about two years ago, I started thinking "But what IF I actually like girls?" but quickly brushed it away because as I said, I hat multiple crushes on guys. Well, technically, from time to time, the thought would still hit me but I always reacted the same, even when, in 11th grade, there were two moments with two different girls that I couldn't stop thinking about.
Then, on the 10th of November (I only know the exact date because it was the day reputation was released) of last year, I was at this party with one of the girls I mentioned in the last sentence. Actually, both were there, but I only interacted with one of them. And at one point we were just standing in this little lobby next to each other, practically all by ourselves and I thought "I wouldn't mind it if you kissed me right now.". I was so shocked by that thought that I quickly pushed it away again, but about a week later, I had a theatre rehearsal with said girl and every time she'd look at me or say something to me, my heart would just go absolutely batshit crazy and I didn't understand what was going on at all.
This state of confusion pretty much held on, with me constantly searching for the girl in every crowd and quite literally relating to the song Gorgeous so hard. Then I just happened to stumble upon this book called Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda and I read it because I saw there was a movie coming out soon and I just remember literally devouring it and on the evening that I finished it feeling absolutely invincible. And I thought "Hey, I think I really do have a crush on this girl, don't I? Does this mean that I'm.... bi?".
You see, I still wasn't sure about the whole thing. What if I told anyone (actually I have told Julia and the controversial pumpkins already but that was something else) that I was bi but then it turned out, after time, that I was just confused and I wasn't actually bi and falsely claimed this label and people would attack me etc etc (basically just my anxiety running wild). But then I found this video on youtube by this girl named Ava Gridley and she talked about how she found out she was bi. And for the first time in my entire journey did I hear someone say "I actually did not always know I was bi" and it felt like a burden was lifted off of my chest because maybe I was normal after all? And the one thing that really stuck out to me was her saying "just wanna tell ya, if you think you're bi then you probably are." and it helped me SO MUCH in terms of accepting myself and who I am.
I know labels ain't shit but I really have this strong urge to fit within a group and I was so glad I finally found a place somewhere.
Of course, looking back there were perhaps some moments which could've indicated this whole thing already but I never really payed attention to those. I recently watched a video of a girl talking about her childhood girl crushes and it made me realize that I loved most of them, too and it made so much more sense to me why I was like literally obsessed with them. Or that girl I met one summer when I was like 9 and we were on this program where we did something like a haunted house and we held hands all the way through it and how I desperately hoped I would see her again whenever I was in town.
The thing is, you don't have to have all the answers yet. Maybe you are still questioning your sexuality, maybe you don't want to label yourself or you do, either is fine, really. You've got a whole life to figure this out and if it changes, don't worry, sexuality is fluid. Perhaps one day I'll say "nope I'm gay" or "nope I'm straight" and that's fine, too. Don't limit yourself. And don't worry if you find out later in life than most people. That doesn't make your sexuality less real or valid.
And, if you're still in the closet like I mostly am, please remember that you are loved and someday you will find the strength to be who you actually are and find people who accept you no matter who you love. And that safety and the feeling of complete acceptance will be the best thing in the world.
Until then, I wish you good luck on the way of finding a life of your own.
xxx Sarah
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