I'm scared of the truth.
I'm scared of the truth. No, this isn't some late Halloween joke
(though I wish it was) but rather something I've recently come to realize.
The moment I did was funnily enough the day of Halloween (there it is again! ha!). I was having breakfast with a close friend of mine (you might have read that on tumblr) and as said friend and I have a history of talking about really deep topics really fast, we eventually got to the point of talking about this guy I hate since he was one of my highschool bullies so of course, my friend proceeded to ask me for the reason for my dislike. and I honestly thought before I want to tell her but in that exact moment, when it became real and tangible, I just couldn't. Not for a while at least. And as my friend and I are also really upfront to one another she told me that one thing that she doesn't like about me is that I'm always secretive and never seem to trust her to keep my secrets.
And that kind of stuck with me. Back then, I told her that I just find it hard to trust people. But while that surely is one of the reasons, I think the predominant one would have to be that I'm scared of my pain or my story in general will be ridiculed or belittled. So I just have a really hard time being totally, that is, 100%, honest with other people.
And it especially hits hard with the bullying topic. I don't think I have told you that part of the story yet (or have I? Anyways, you're probably really annoyed that I keep bringing that time up, I'm sorry) but before I told my mum I wanted to switch classes, I actually took a leap of faith and went to talk to this teacher who was specifically elected to help with student problems (though she was, of course, no psychologist, but still). And I tried telling her what had happened abd that I felt bullied and excluded but I soon felt that she didn't think that what I was going through could be specified as such and immediately started to withdraw from explaining it all in detail, even when she asked a follow-up question to it. And I felt so stupid, because here I was classifying something as bullying when it is clearly not since other people wouldn't assume it is. I think this was and is the main reason why I hardly directly tell others I was bullied because I feel like a hypocrite. Others have it worse, right?
Of course I now know that you shouldn't measure your pain to others' and if I felt like I was bullied I was, since my point if view is the only thing that matters. However, still, I can't seem to let go of that thought that no one will understand it. Even if, or ESPECIALLY IF, I know the person I'm talking to has proven themselves to be trust-worthy countless of times.
I guess this resulted in some sort of rant again but I just want to tell you, and I suppose myself too, that it is okay to be vulnerable and share your story. The right people will understand and won't judge. Believe me. And believe your own story. The world will try to impose so many version of it onto you, but the fact is that if it hurt you, no one gets to decide that you actually weren't. Your pain is real and valid. What happened to you was painful and you're allowed to feel hurt. Just wanted to let you know.
May you find a life of your own.
xxx Sarah
The moment I did was funnily enough the day of Halloween (there it is again! ha!). I was having breakfast with a close friend of mine (you might have read that on tumblr) and as said friend and I have a history of talking about really deep topics really fast, we eventually got to the point of talking about this guy I hate since he was one of my highschool bullies so of course, my friend proceeded to ask me for the reason for my dislike. and I honestly thought before I want to tell her but in that exact moment, when it became real and tangible, I just couldn't. Not for a while at least. And as my friend and I are also really upfront to one another she told me that one thing that she doesn't like about me is that I'm always secretive and never seem to trust her to keep my secrets.
And that kind of stuck with me. Back then, I told her that I just find it hard to trust people. But while that surely is one of the reasons, I think the predominant one would have to be that I'm scared of my pain or my story in general will be ridiculed or belittled. So I just have a really hard time being totally, that is, 100%, honest with other people.
And it especially hits hard with the bullying topic. I don't think I have told you that part of the story yet (or have I? Anyways, you're probably really annoyed that I keep bringing that time up, I'm sorry) but before I told my mum I wanted to switch classes, I actually took a leap of faith and went to talk to this teacher who was specifically elected to help with student problems (though she was, of course, no psychologist, but still). And I tried telling her what had happened abd that I felt bullied and excluded but I soon felt that she didn't think that what I was going through could be specified as such and immediately started to withdraw from explaining it all in detail, even when she asked a follow-up question to it. And I felt so stupid, because here I was classifying something as bullying when it is clearly not since other people wouldn't assume it is. I think this was and is the main reason why I hardly directly tell others I was bullied because I feel like a hypocrite. Others have it worse, right?
Of course I now know that you shouldn't measure your pain to others' and if I felt like I was bullied I was, since my point if view is the only thing that matters. However, still, I can't seem to let go of that thought that no one will understand it. Even if, or ESPECIALLY IF, I know the person I'm talking to has proven themselves to be trust-worthy countless of times.
I guess this resulted in some sort of rant again but I just want to tell you, and I suppose myself too, that it is okay to be vulnerable and share your story. The right people will understand and won't judge. Believe me. And believe your own story. The world will try to impose so many version of it onto you, but the fact is that if it hurt you, no one gets to decide that you actually weren't. Your pain is real and valid. What happened to you was painful and you're allowed to feel hurt. Just wanted to let you know.
May you find a life of your own.
xxx Sarah
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