bye bye 2018 & new beginnings (2019)
It's time for my recap of 2018! I just read through my blog posts about 2016 & 2017 on here and I felt so weird because that past me was me but I also feel like I've changed so much the past few months that it couldn't be farther from the current me (if that makes any sense).
My New Year's resolution last year was simply to be content with my life and well.. there has been a lot happening, but as always, I'm gonna file those things into different categoires.
1. family
2018 was a strange year for me family-wise. It started with me realizing or rather accepting that I'm bi in January, and ever since then, I felt a real disconnect especially from my parents. As I mentioned in last year's post, they're Christian and thus in a lot of aspects homophobic and I don't think they would accept it if I told them I liked girls as well. Because of that, this year has really been anxiety driven for me, as I wanted to tell my friends of course, but since my father is really known in our town, I had to be kind of exclusive about it so that it wouldn't reach him. My biggest fears I guess are either being kicked out or sent to conversion therapy. I've gotten many kind anons about it on my tumblr blog, but I still haven't told them and do not think I will any time soon. However, I do feel more okay with it at the moment, or at least as okay as one can be in my situation.
In addition to that, my grandmother passed away at the end of February. It was really tough for me, as no one of the people close to me has ever died before, and as she died in a span of like two days and no one in our family had seen it coming. At that time, my half-brother was visiting and I of course didn't ant to break down in front of him and his wife, especially since the rest of my family seemed fine with it and I felt so guilty for breaking down about it every time I was alone in my room. I actually hadn't even told anyone about it at that time except for my best friend and my drama teacher (for the purpose of rescheduling rehearsals). I felt so alone, since my mum stayed at my grandparents' for like four days straight and I felt like she would be the only one to get what I'm feeling.
Even after the funeral, even months after that, I had a hard time visiting my grandpa. Simply because everything would remind me of her. The kitchen area, the place where she would always sit, her corner in my grandparents' bedroom which still looked as if she had never left. This resulted in me barely visiting anymore, because I would just get so sad I couldn't cope.
It has been hard on my mum as well. She blames herself for the death of my grandmother and she spent as much time as possible at my grandfather's after her mum passed away. My grandfather has been depressive since forever and we were all really worried how he would cope now that he was all alone. But he actually did better than we thought he would. But he, as well, blamed himself for my grandmother's death so it was all a mess, really. Then about three weeks ago, he passed away as well.
I don't even want to recall all that happened during the funeral, with my great uncle/his brother getting a stroke in the middle of it all and how he eventually died because of it as well.
But to end this on a lighter note I guess, both of my halfbrothers are getting kids next year!! So I'm gonna be an aunt and that still sounds very strange to me. I'm very happy for them. Funny, isn't it? How two lives ended but two new lives are beginning.
2. friends
I'd sum it up with "You win some, you lose some". I think I really started to figure out who my real friends were and who only was on my side when I was my happy, bright self.
I was really happy when my friends wrote this text for me in our yearbook because it really captured the essence of me and I didn't think they knew it, since I really keep a lot of things to myself. They were there for me in my happiest moments (when we received the results of our finals and I cried happy tears) and in my saddest (when our prom was over and I legitimately cried for one hour straight in my friends' arms because I was so sad I wouldn't get to see them and my favorite teachers anymore).
Since I've graduated, I've lost a lot of "acquaintances" friends but that's something that I knew would happen so I was okay with it, I guess. What really hit me was my long-term friend I have had ever since we moved here ditched me on my birthday and was overall just really shitty to me. It hurt me, because I invested so much time again and again in our friendship although I knew for years now that she didn't value our friendship the way I did and only was in for the gossip. But that realization also helped me let go of her. I'm not completely over it yet, but I think that with time and patience all things can heal.
But even so, I'm still in contact with a selected few of my highschool friends. We'll se how that goes, but I am incredibly grateful for them anyways.
I think the biggest lesson I've learned this year is that it is okay to be vulnerable. I found it quite funny because in my 2017 post, I mention that I have a hard time opening up to people and how that bugs me. And I think I made a huge step in the right direction this year. The girl I fell in love with (I'll get to that later as well) and I ended up becoming really, really close friends and she really taught me that it is okay to express your thoughts as is. Throught that, I (especially now, at the end of the year) was finally able to tell my friends when something was off, even though it was hard to overcome my fears. And in the end, I always noticed how good I felthaving talked about my issues and that the right people will get you and don't think you're weird or abnormal for your way of seeing things.
3. love
Last year, I only hinted it in my post, but I actually did indeed fall in love with that girl (or rather, I actually already was back then but I was afraid to accept it). Because of it, I had some really really great times, times when I thought she likes me back or just the rush of her asking me to meet up or confiding in me. Of course, it eventually lead to the burn & end when I finally definitely knew she was straight and yes, I was really heartbroken about it for a long, long time but I think I moved past it by now and I'm really grateful for all that it has taught me and all the happiness it has brought me. Falling in love with a girl felt so different and so new, because for once I didn't more or less "plan" it, it just happened and the emotions were so intense that right now, I kind of just miss the feeling of having a big crush on someone. Like the real deal, not just the "they're kinda attractive and kinda nice" but the Gorgeous (2017) by Taylor Swift way, the way in which you are so utterly enchanted by someone that you lose track of all of your surroundings.
Ever since I found out I was bi, I noticed more and more how attractive women actually are and allowed myself to feel that way and it feels so liberatig, honestly.
Then, still in the middle of me getting over the girl, I met a guy. Nice and kind as he was, I at first didn't care at all about him offensively flirting with me. I had the matter settled: I only wanted to be with the girl and if it's not her, I couldn't imagine any relationship with any guy at that point in time. I dreamt about kissing girls, holding a girl's hand and all the other fluff you might imagine. But then, a strange sensation hit me when he ever so lightly touched me and I felt so safe and also as if for once the girl and my feelings for her didn't matter as much anymore. I think you all know how this all ended and that nothing ever happened. Maybe it was my fault for being to caught up with her and pretending I didn't care for him or his, for not speaking up when he had the choice but we can't really change the past, can we? We can only learn from it and move forward, and use our experiences to do better next time.
4. general state of mind
As you probably know, 2018 has been a heard year for me mental health wise. I've struggled a lot with anxiety problems (and just months of sadness, really) ever since highschool ended 'cause I felt so lost and I, to be honest, still do. But towards the end of the year, I've learned to find a better way to deal with it. I talk with my friends a lot. I go and see a therapist. I try to remind myself that nearly everyone around me hasn't figured it all out yet either. And that it's okay to just exist and take it day by day. Maybe it's just the end of the year optimism, but I'm really convinced that from here on it can only get better. There's only one way, and it's up, right?
aaaand now a new category, yay! drumroll please...
5. my favorite moments of 2018
I know I always say 2018 was one of the worst years of my life and I can't wait for it to finally be over. And as much as this is true (suck my ass, 2018!), I recently started a list of moments or things that were good about this year, to remind myself that although I only wandered in the dark for quite a long time this year, not all of it was all bad. So here's the list:
a) Falling for a girl the very first time (an amazing experience. 10/10 would recommed tbh)
b) Graduating from highschool, having just weeks of amazing activities with your grade, crying tears of joy upon hearing your results and running towards your friend to jump into her arms, driving around the city like absolute mad people waving at others and screaming "we made it!" at the top of our lungs, holding the first version of the yearbook we worked on in our hands, doing the best senior prank our school has ever seen and first and foremost cherishing the time with the people you love
c) Our theatre play and how succesful it was because it was funny af, the applause lasting for so long, our drama teacher telling me that I'm really good at my role although it's a 180 from who I'm usually am, moments with our group, holding hands and calming our nerves, walking around the school knowing you aced this one
d) The books and movies I've read/watched this year, reading Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda for the first time and feeling so incredibly understood, being absolutely hyped for the movie and watching it as often as humanly possible, devouring every single one of Becky Albertalli's books, being so utterly enchanted by a movie called "Your Name" that your entire camera roll consists of nothing else
e) The new music that was released, Troye's new album and getting concert tickets for the tour, Alessia's album & feeling so understood in the struggle of growing up, getting concert tickets for Madeline Juno
f) Days spent with friends, whether that'd be Julia & Josy and screaming Taylor's lyrics at the top of our lungs on car rides or having a really great birthday party with your friends, baking with new and old ones, getting to know new people
PSA: I have decided to start a notes tab on my phone for these kind of things and write them down right after they happen so I don't forget a single one of them.
So what is my resolution for 2019?
As I began to be more vulnerable this year, I noticed that a lot of times I hide things from the people I love. I think it's, once again, the strange fear of not being understood or being laughed at that keeps me from being entirely honest and telling others when something bothers me or I'm feeling down. But I'm honestly tired of always and compulsively lying, when most of the time it actually complicates things further. I often find myself lying for no apparent reason other than a lie being perhaps a bit more comfortable and I can't even think before I already tell it. So for 2019, I want to start being honest about my feelings and thoughts, and stop lying (a goal would obviously be to not lie at all but as that's probably unrealistic, I'd just say the goal is to keep the lying to a minimum).
And now we shall see I guess. I'm pretty excited about 2019 though. I have a feeling that it will be my year. On that note, I hope it is for you as well. And thank you again for all the kind messages I have received this year and the love so many of you all spread. May all of us do better than we ever were next year. Love you lots.
Keep trying to find a life of your own,
xxx Sarah
My New Year's resolution last year was simply to be content with my life and well.. there has been a lot happening, but as always, I'm gonna file those things into different categoires.
1. family
2018 was a strange year for me family-wise. It started with me realizing or rather accepting that I'm bi in January, and ever since then, I felt a real disconnect especially from my parents. As I mentioned in last year's post, they're Christian and thus in a lot of aspects homophobic and I don't think they would accept it if I told them I liked girls as well. Because of that, this year has really been anxiety driven for me, as I wanted to tell my friends of course, but since my father is really known in our town, I had to be kind of exclusive about it so that it wouldn't reach him. My biggest fears I guess are either being kicked out or sent to conversion therapy. I've gotten many kind anons about it on my tumblr blog, but I still haven't told them and do not think I will any time soon. However, I do feel more okay with it at the moment, or at least as okay as one can be in my situation.
In addition to that, my grandmother passed away at the end of February. It was really tough for me, as no one of the people close to me has ever died before, and as she died in a span of like two days and no one in our family had seen it coming. At that time, my half-brother was visiting and I of course didn't ant to break down in front of him and his wife, especially since the rest of my family seemed fine with it and I felt so guilty for breaking down about it every time I was alone in my room. I actually hadn't even told anyone about it at that time except for my best friend and my drama teacher (for the purpose of rescheduling rehearsals). I felt so alone, since my mum stayed at my grandparents' for like four days straight and I felt like she would be the only one to get what I'm feeling.
Even after the funeral, even months after that, I had a hard time visiting my grandpa. Simply because everything would remind me of her. The kitchen area, the place where she would always sit, her corner in my grandparents' bedroom which still looked as if she had never left. This resulted in me barely visiting anymore, because I would just get so sad I couldn't cope.
It has been hard on my mum as well. She blames herself for the death of my grandmother and she spent as much time as possible at my grandfather's after her mum passed away. My grandfather has been depressive since forever and we were all really worried how he would cope now that he was all alone. But he actually did better than we thought he would. But he, as well, blamed himself for my grandmother's death so it was all a mess, really. Then about three weeks ago, he passed away as well.
I don't even want to recall all that happened during the funeral, with my great uncle/his brother getting a stroke in the middle of it all and how he eventually died because of it as well.
But to end this on a lighter note I guess, both of my halfbrothers are getting kids next year!! So I'm gonna be an aunt and that still sounds very strange to me. I'm very happy for them. Funny, isn't it? How two lives ended but two new lives are beginning.
2. friends
I'd sum it up with "You win some, you lose some". I think I really started to figure out who my real friends were and who only was on my side when I was my happy, bright self.
I was really happy when my friends wrote this text for me in our yearbook because it really captured the essence of me and I didn't think they knew it, since I really keep a lot of things to myself. They were there for me in my happiest moments (when we received the results of our finals and I cried happy tears) and in my saddest (when our prom was over and I legitimately cried for one hour straight in my friends' arms because I was so sad I wouldn't get to see them and my favorite teachers anymore).
Since I've graduated, I've lost a lot of "acquaintances" friends but that's something that I knew would happen so I was okay with it, I guess. What really hit me was my long-term friend I have had ever since we moved here ditched me on my birthday and was overall just really shitty to me. It hurt me, because I invested so much time again and again in our friendship although I knew for years now that she didn't value our friendship the way I did and only was in for the gossip. But that realization also helped me let go of her. I'm not completely over it yet, but I think that with time and patience all things can heal.
But even so, I'm still in contact with a selected few of my highschool friends. We'll se how that goes, but I am incredibly grateful for them anyways.
I think the biggest lesson I've learned this year is that it is okay to be vulnerable. I found it quite funny because in my 2017 post, I mention that I have a hard time opening up to people and how that bugs me. And I think I made a huge step in the right direction this year. The girl I fell in love with (I'll get to that later as well) and I ended up becoming really, really close friends and she really taught me that it is okay to express your thoughts as is. Throught that, I (especially now, at the end of the year) was finally able to tell my friends when something was off, even though it was hard to overcome my fears. And in the end, I always noticed how good I felthaving talked about my issues and that the right people will get you and don't think you're weird or abnormal for your way of seeing things.
3. love
Last year, I only hinted it in my post, but I actually did indeed fall in love with that girl (or rather, I actually already was back then but I was afraid to accept it). Because of it, I had some really really great times, times when I thought she likes me back or just the rush of her asking me to meet up or confiding in me. Of course, it eventually lead to the burn & end when I finally definitely knew she was straight and yes, I was really heartbroken about it for a long, long time but I think I moved past it by now and I'm really grateful for all that it has taught me and all the happiness it has brought me. Falling in love with a girl felt so different and so new, because for once I didn't more or less "plan" it, it just happened and the emotions were so intense that right now, I kind of just miss the feeling of having a big crush on someone. Like the real deal, not just the "they're kinda attractive and kinda nice" but the Gorgeous (2017) by Taylor Swift way, the way in which you are so utterly enchanted by someone that you lose track of all of your surroundings.
Ever since I found out I was bi, I noticed more and more how attractive women actually are and allowed myself to feel that way and it feels so liberatig, honestly.
Then, still in the middle of me getting over the girl, I met a guy. Nice and kind as he was, I at first didn't care at all about him offensively flirting with me. I had the matter settled: I only wanted to be with the girl and if it's not her, I couldn't imagine any relationship with any guy at that point in time. I dreamt about kissing girls, holding a girl's hand and all the other fluff you might imagine. But then, a strange sensation hit me when he ever so lightly touched me and I felt so safe and also as if for once the girl and my feelings for her didn't matter as much anymore. I think you all know how this all ended and that nothing ever happened. Maybe it was my fault for being to caught up with her and pretending I didn't care for him or his, for not speaking up when he had the choice but we can't really change the past, can we? We can only learn from it and move forward, and use our experiences to do better next time.
4. general state of mind
As you probably know, 2018 has been a heard year for me mental health wise. I've struggled a lot with anxiety problems (and just months of sadness, really) ever since highschool ended 'cause I felt so lost and I, to be honest, still do. But towards the end of the year, I've learned to find a better way to deal with it. I talk with my friends a lot. I go and see a therapist. I try to remind myself that nearly everyone around me hasn't figured it all out yet either. And that it's okay to just exist and take it day by day. Maybe it's just the end of the year optimism, but I'm really convinced that from here on it can only get better. There's only one way, and it's up, right?
aaaand now a new category, yay! drumroll please...
5. my favorite moments of 2018
I know I always say 2018 was one of the worst years of my life and I can't wait for it to finally be over. And as much as this is true (suck my ass, 2018!), I recently started a list of moments or things that were good about this year, to remind myself that although I only wandered in the dark for quite a long time this year, not all of it was all bad. So here's the list:
a) Falling for a girl the very first time (an amazing experience. 10/10 would recommed tbh)
b) Graduating from highschool, having just weeks of amazing activities with your grade, crying tears of joy upon hearing your results and running towards your friend to jump into her arms, driving around the city like absolute mad people waving at others and screaming "we made it!" at the top of our lungs, holding the first version of the yearbook we worked on in our hands, doing the best senior prank our school has ever seen and first and foremost cherishing the time with the people you love
c) Our theatre play and how succesful it was because it was funny af, the applause lasting for so long, our drama teacher telling me that I'm really good at my role although it's a 180 from who I'm usually am, moments with our group, holding hands and calming our nerves, walking around the school knowing you aced this one
d) The books and movies I've read/watched this year, reading Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda for the first time and feeling so incredibly understood, being absolutely hyped for the movie and watching it as often as humanly possible, devouring every single one of Becky Albertalli's books, being so utterly enchanted by a movie called "Your Name" that your entire camera roll consists of nothing else
e) The new music that was released, Troye's new album and getting concert tickets for the tour, Alessia's album & feeling so understood in the struggle of growing up, getting concert tickets for Madeline Juno
f) Days spent with friends, whether that'd be Julia & Josy and screaming Taylor's lyrics at the top of our lungs on car rides or having a really great birthday party with your friends, baking with new and old ones, getting to know new people
PSA: I have decided to start a notes tab on my phone for these kind of things and write them down right after they happen so I don't forget a single one of them.
So what is my resolution for 2019?
As I began to be more vulnerable this year, I noticed that a lot of times I hide things from the people I love. I think it's, once again, the strange fear of not being understood or being laughed at that keeps me from being entirely honest and telling others when something bothers me or I'm feeling down. But I'm honestly tired of always and compulsively lying, when most of the time it actually complicates things further. I often find myself lying for no apparent reason other than a lie being perhaps a bit more comfortable and I can't even think before I already tell it. So for 2019, I want to start being honest about my feelings and thoughts, and stop lying (a goal would obviously be to not lie at all but as that's probably unrealistic, I'd just say the goal is to keep the lying to a minimum).
And now we shall see I guess. I'm pretty excited about 2019 though. I have a feeling that it will be my year. On that note, I hope it is for you as well. And thank you again for all the kind messages I have received this year and the love so many of you all spread. May all of us do better than we ever were next year. Love you lots.
Keep trying to find a life of your own,
xxx Sarah
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