trainwrecks & other problems of mine
(yeah, I know, long time no see again - or *insert gif of Madison from American Horror Story saying "surprise b*tch, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me*. I just tried getting my feelings out through writing poetry lately but sometimes it just doesn't feel exactly right so I'm gonna try to post more on here again)
Sometimes I feel as if I am a trainwreck waiting to happen. Okay I know this sounds terribly romanticized and cliché, like the posts we all used to like whe we were like thirteen and felt like everyone around us including ourselves hated ourselves. Or, if you stan Lorde as much as I do, this reminds you of A World Alone, but that's besides the point.
Okay, maybe it's not that I really am but that I regard myself in that way. And I really thought I had gotten over that by now but lately this insecurity of mine seems to creep up on me again similarly to that American Horror Story gif (seriously - it suits so many situations, wow! thank you internet for your endless supply of reaction gifs).
So, here's the thing: I used to have reaally big problems with jealousy within my friendships. And by big I mean gigantonormous problems. Like on one birthday of mine, I went climbing with my best friend and another friend of mine. Mind you, that was at the peak time of my insecurities. But I actually kind of snapped at both of them, because they were getting along so well that I feared that soon they will find that the other one is way cooler than I'll ever be and they'll be best friends and I'll be left behind. I know it's stupid, but that's how my teenage brain worked. And although I comparatively got better at handling this jealousy, it hasn't vanished completely yet. I always want to be everyone's closest friend somehow and that's so dumb because the other way round, my closest friend is and always will be my best friend - talk about double standards. And I still feel this pang of jealousy whenever I introduce one of my friends to another one, as if they're now going to leave me. I actually talked about this with my best friend recently and she said that she had the same issue but by now she has accepted that she can't be everyone's closest friend and somehow that made me feel a little bit as if we're talking about a race and she's right at the front while my knees still give up after just a couple of metres of running.
And, to come to the title of this post, it's probably still because of my thoughts about myself. I know I am pretty weird (not like, Jughead in Riverdale weird, like I don't mean it to make myself "cooler" or anything, it's just something I have learned to accept). I know that oftentimes I cannot articulate my thoughts properly, that I'm the clumsiest person you will ever meet and if I don't at least once blush when I'm talking to you, something is seriously wrong. I know I've got issues with being vulnerable, even with my friends, I know I let things get to me too easily and that I overthink more than it's actually healthy, and that I have a complicated family and that sometimes I try to avoid conflicts so much that I actually feel worse about myself. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, it's good to be aware of your flaws, but I do think I am incredibly hard on myself in that way, but I can't turn it off because so many people I thought were my friends actually did just that: left me for somebody who was "cooler" or "more chill" or just everything I am not.
It's an even bigger issues when it comes to relationships. While I have never been in anyone to this date, I do usually overthink every action of every person that ever even remotely flirts with me to the point where I push them away before anything can ever happen. This is especially worse with men. Maybe it's a "you gotta leave before you get left" mentality, to put it in Taylor's words. Or maybe I just watched To All The Boys I've Loved Before too often, or maybe also Pitch Perfect and the scene where Jesse is disappointed in Beca. But back to my point. My point is, that I'm so scared that they are going to leave me, that I put up walls before they even have so much of a chance of getting to know me. Or I just straight up ghost them. And I'm aware it's unhealthy and actually making my life more miserable than it actually should be but I just cannot seem to stop.
That's why I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and have come to the conclusion that while I seem to crave for a relationship, I truly and really wouldn't be ready for one. It's not fair of me to get someone's chances high if I eventually leave anyways because of my anxiety. And yes, that sounds terribly depressing, but I just can't help myself.
Maybe I just need to find a way to healthily deal with my fears. Or realize how stupid they are since I know that my friends love me. Sometimes I just forget to remember it. I don't know. Until then, thank you for coming along on my journey of trying to find a life of my own.
xxx Sarah
Sometimes I feel as if I am a trainwreck waiting to happen. Okay I know this sounds terribly romanticized and cliché, like the posts we all used to like whe we were like thirteen and felt like everyone around us including ourselves hated ourselves. Or, if you stan Lorde as much as I do, this reminds you of A World Alone, but that's besides the point.
Okay, maybe it's not that I really am but that I regard myself in that way. And I really thought I had gotten over that by now but lately this insecurity of mine seems to creep up on me again similarly to that American Horror Story gif (seriously - it suits so many situations, wow! thank you internet for your endless supply of reaction gifs).
So, here's the thing: I used to have reaally big problems with jealousy within my friendships. And by big I mean gigantonormous problems. Like on one birthday of mine, I went climbing with my best friend and another friend of mine. Mind you, that was at the peak time of my insecurities. But I actually kind of snapped at both of them, because they were getting along so well that I feared that soon they will find that the other one is way cooler than I'll ever be and they'll be best friends and I'll be left behind. I know it's stupid, but that's how my teenage brain worked. And although I comparatively got better at handling this jealousy, it hasn't vanished completely yet. I always want to be everyone's closest friend somehow and that's so dumb because the other way round, my closest friend is and always will be my best friend - talk about double standards. And I still feel this pang of jealousy whenever I introduce one of my friends to another one, as if they're now going to leave me. I actually talked about this with my best friend recently and she said that she had the same issue but by now she has accepted that she can't be everyone's closest friend and somehow that made me feel a little bit as if we're talking about a race and she's right at the front while my knees still give up after just a couple of metres of running.
And, to come to the title of this post, it's probably still because of my thoughts about myself. I know I am pretty weird (not like, Jughead in Riverdale weird, like I don't mean it to make myself "cooler" or anything, it's just something I have learned to accept). I know that oftentimes I cannot articulate my thoughts properly, that I'm the clumsiest person you will ever meet and if I don't at least once blush when I'm talking to you, something is seriously wrong. I know I've got issues with being vulnerable, even with my friends, I know I let things get to me too easily and that I overthink more than it's actually healthy, and that I have a complicated family and that sometimes I try to avoid conflicts so much that I actually feel worse about myself. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, it's good to be aware of your flaws, but I do think I am incredibly hard on myself in that way, but I can't turn it off because so many people I thought were my friends actually did just that: left me for somebody who was "cooler" or "more chill" or just everything I am not.
It's an even bigger issues when it comes to relationships. While I have never been in anyone to this date, I do usually overthink every action of every person that ever even remotely flirts with me to the point where I push them away before anything can ever happen. This is especially worse with men. Maybe it's a "you gotta leave before you get left" mentality, to put it in Taylor's words. Or maybe I just watched To All The Boys I've Loved Before too often, or maybe also Pitch Perfect and the scene where Jesse is disappointed in Beca. But back to my point. My point is, that I'm so scared that they are going to leave me, that I put up walls before they even have so much of a chance of getting to know me. Or I just straight up ghost them. And I'm aware it's unhealthy and actually making my life more miserable than it actually should be but I just cannot seem to stop.
That's why I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and have come to the conclusion that while I seem to crave for a relationship, I truly and really wouldn't be ready for one. It's not fair of me to get someone's chances high if I eventually leave anyways because of my anxiety. And yes, that sounds terribly depressing, but I just can't help myself.
Maybe I just need to find a way to healthily deal with my fears. Or realize how stupid they are since I know that my friends love me. Sometimes I just forget to remember it. I don't know. Until then, thank you for coming along on my journey of trying to find a life of my own.
xxx Sarah
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