4 years of being clean (or who am I when it's all stripped away)
Hey there. It's time for my annual post I guess. Honestly, I have done some thinking the last few weeks and came to the conclusion that I don't know if I'll keep making these every year. I mean next year I'll probably do, because I'll hit five years but then I'll just see how I feel. (this is just a short psa at the beginning).
I've also been doing some thinking about how to even start this post. Do I even have the right to post this when so many people are doing worse than I am? and do I even have the right to post about this when I feel like I've been lying to you guys about my mental state for quite a while? I don't know.
But let's start at the beginning.
I have always been very vocal about not just sharing the good sides of my life on tumblr. Tumblr, for me, was always the social media platform I was completely myself on, shared everything - the highs and the lows -, it was one of the few, if not the only social media platform, where I felt I don't have to make my life look prettier than it is for the sake of impressing people. But my blog grew massively last year, around the same time when I started getting worse again.
I of course have touched upon this in my 2018 recap post, but it still didn't feel completely honest to me. I was in a really bad place mentally, so bad, that at one point I started questioning whether I still am "clean" anymore, whether I can still proudly celebrate May 19th without feeling like a liar, and a hypocrite, since I have so clearly been doing worse and worse. Who am I to say that it gets better when I couldn't see that flicker of hope for myself? Who was I to make posts on here ending on an optimistic note when my life was currently in pieces?
For me, the second half of 2018 was a whirlwind of a lot of dark days. I don't think I have truly been myself during that time. I mean I was there, and I met up with friends, and I posted about exciting new things that happened in my life on tumblr, posted selfies of me smiling and beaming as if I was doing great, but it never really felt like ME. I lost my grandparents last year. I lost a friend who meant everything to me. I had to come to terms with my sexuality, while simultaneously figuring out ways to hide it from most of the world. I got my heart broken by a girl, ran after her, not noticing I was chasing a ghost, and placed my value into what others thought of me again. I was deeply insecure. And I felt like I had been lying to myself as well. I always complained about how no one ever notices my progress, how everyone still seems to think that I'm that scared little 13 year old girl being bullied by most of her school, especially her class, again. What I didn't realize was that part of her still clinged to me. Of course, your past is important and is always a part of it, but what I noticed that instead of taking the time to actually work through what happened, I just stayed quiet about it and pretended this was what healing was. Told myself the numbness I felt when thinking back about it is me being okay with it, me making peace with my past.
And I was angry. I didn't think I could hold so much anger within myself. I was angry at my friend who dumped me. Angry at my parents for the way they are. Angry at them for being the main reason why I can't trust any men and why I keep quiet just so that nothing can be twisted against me. I was angry at whoever is the head of destiny or the universe or whatever, for putting me in the position I was in. And I was angry at myself, for failing time and time again, thinking it was still self love I was practicing.
I didn't realize that loving yourself doesn't mean pretending that you can never do anything wrong, but acknowledging when you hurt people and making amends, saying sorry. Loving yourself also doesn't mean screaming over your thoughts, keeping yourself as busy as possible so as to not give them any attention, it's about making time for yourself, time to structure your thoughts and feelings and figuring out where they are coming from. Loving yourself isn't keeping quiet about the things that weigh you down, protecting people that don't deserve protection for what they did was horrible, just so you don't have to face people who might think your pain is invalid. It's about talking to others, not closing up to the people who only mean well, who genuinely love you for yourself. Loving yourself is taking steps out of your comfort zone, daring to wear brighter clothing again, daring to go up to people and start up a conversation, daring to express your thoughts.
I'm at a better place now. Not fully, but I am recovering, and I feel like my mind has returned to my body and it's actually me who's talking and making decisions again. And a lot fo good things have come out of that painful phase of my life. I'm closer to my parents. I understand why I am so freaking secretive about everything happening in my life, coming from a household where problems are dealt by remaining silent and pretending they don't exist. I am extremely close to my best friend now. She's my best friend, but for so so long I still would've kept most of my feelings about things to myself, being scared that she might dump me if I do tell her. I have a better grasp of who I am, where I stand and where I need to start. Where I CAN start.
So am I allowed to post about being clean, when last year was such a hard time for me? Yes, I am. Being clean doesn't mean never having bad days again. It doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to cry and crumble and shatter and scream anymore. It means balancing the two of them, fighting time and time again. And even if I was feeling bad, that doesn't change the fact that getting clean in the first place was a huge achievement. I DID THAT. I had help, but I was the one who picked myself up. I was the one who said "enough is enough" and started working on myself. You shouldn't belittle something just because it isn't as picture perfect as you thought it would be.
Some of you guys have known me since before I got clean. Some of you I got to know when I was in the middle of picking myself up again. Some of you I only met recently. But one thing remains: No matter how big my blog becomes, or who follows me, or who knows me, most of you support me. And tell me when I'm wrong. Which is good, too. And I like talking to you so much, I get teary-eyed whenever anyone ever sends me a nice message or compliments me. Some things never change after all, I guess. So thank you again. For sticking with me through this journey. Even when I got more distant. Thank you for staying until I started emerging on the brighter side again. "don't read the last page but I'll stay" - the same goes to you. Thank you.
And this wouldn't be a celebratory post about being clean without thanking Taylor. Because she is the reason why I felt seen in the first place. She is the reason why I met so many amazing people. She is the reason why I feel like I can keep moving forward, because she keeps moving forward, no matter what life throws at her. Taylor, I know you won't read this, and that's okay, but I just wanted to say that I love you. Thank you. For everything.
I'm really intrigued to see where I'll be next year. Who I will be. What I've learned and what I've lost. And I hope I will still be as proud of being clean as I am today.
Still trying to find a life of my own,
xxx Sarah
I've also been doing some thinking about how to even start this post. Do I even have the right to post this when so many people are doing worse than I am? and do I even have the right to post about this when I feel like I've been lying to you guys about my mental state for quite a while? I don't know.
But let's start at the beginning.
I have always been very vocal about not just sharing the good sides of my life on tumblr. Tumblr, for me, was always the social media platform I was completely myself on, shared everything - the highs and the lows -, it was one of the few, if not the only social media platform, where I felt I don't have to make my life look prettier than it is for the sake of impressing people. But my blog grew massively last year, around the same time when I started getting worse again.
I of course have touched upon this in my 2018 recap post, but it still didn't feel completely honest to me. I was in a really bad place mentally, so bad, that at one point I started questioning whether I still am "clean" anymore, whether I can still proudly celebrate May 19th without feeling like a liar, and a hypocrite, since I have so clearly been doing worse and worse. Who am I to say that it gets better when I couldn't see that flicker of hope for myself? Who was I to make posts on here ending on an optimistic note when my life was currently in pieces?
For me, the second half of 2018 was a whirlwind of a lot of dark days. I don't think I have truly been myself during that time. I mean I was there, and I met up with friends, and I posted about exciting new things that happened in my life on tumblr, posted selfies of me smiling and beaming as if I was doing great, but it never really felt like ME. I lost my grandparents last year. I lost a friend who meant everything to me. I had to come to terms with my sexuality, while simultaneously figuring out ways to hide it from most of the world. I got my heart broken by a girl, ran after her, not noticing I was chasing a ghost, and placed my value into what others thought of me again. I was deeply insecure. And I felt like I had been lying to myself as well. I always complained about how no one ever notices my progress, how everyone still seems to think that I'm that scared little 13 year old girl being bullied by most of her school, especially her class, again. What I didn't realize was that part of her still clinged to me. Of course, your past is important and is always a part of it, but what I noticed that instead of taking the time to actually work through what happened, I just stayed quiet about it and pretended this was what healing was. Told myself the numbness I felt when thinking back about it is me being okay with it, me making peace with my past.
And I was angry. I didn't think I could hold so much anger within myself. I was angry at my friend who dumped me. Angry at my parents for the way they are. Angry at them for being the main reason why I can't trust any men and why I keep quiet just so that nothing can be twisted against me. I was angry at whoever is the head of destiny or the universe or whatever, for putting me in the position I was in. And I was angry at myself, for failing time and time again, thinking it was still self love I was practicing.
I didn't realize that loving yourself doesn't mean pretending that you can never do anything wrong, but acknowledging when you hurt people and making amends, saying sorry. Loving yourself also doesn't mean screaming over your thoughts, keeping yourself as busy as possible so as to not give them any attention, it's about making time for yourself, time to structure your thoughts and feelings and figuring out where they are coming from. Loving yourself isn't keeping quiet about the things that weigh you down, protecting people that don't deserve protection for what they did was horrible, just so you don't have to face people who might think your pain is invalid. It's about talking to others, not closing up to the people who only mean well, who genuinely love you for yourself. Loving yourself is taking steps out of your comfort zone, daring to wear brighter clothing again, daring to go up to people and start up a conversation, daring to express your thoughts.
I'm at a better place now. Not fully, but I am recovering, and I feel like my mind has returned to my body and it's actually me who's talking and making decisions again. And a lot fo good things have come out of that painful phase of my life. I'm closer to my parents. I understand why I am so freaking secretive about everything happening in my life, coming from a household where problems are dealt by remaining silent and pretending they don't exist. I am extremely close to my best friend now. She's my best friend, but for so so long I still would've kept most of my feelings about things to myself, being scared that she might dump me if I do tell her. I have a better grasp of who I am, where I stand and where I need to start. Where I CAN start.
So am I allowed to post about being clean, when last year was such a hard time for me? Yes, I am. Being clean doesn't mean never having bad days again. It doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to cry and crumble and shatter and scream anymore. It means balancing the two of them, fighting time and time again. And even if I was feeling bad, that doesn't change the fact that getting clean in the first place was a huge achievement. I DID THAT. I had help, but I was the one who picked myself up. I was the one who said "enough is enough" and started working on myself. You shouldn't belittle something just because it isn't as picture perfect as you thought it would be.
Some of you guys have known me since before I got clean. Some of you I got to know when I was in the middle of picking myself up again. Some of you I only met recently. But one thing remains: No matter how big my blog becomes, or who follows me, or who knows me, most of you support me. And tell me when I'm wrong. Which is good, too. And I like talking to you so much, I get teary-eyed whenever anyone ever sends me a nice message or compliments me. Some things never change after all, I guess. So thank you again. For sticking with me through this journey. Even when I got more distant. Thank you for staying until I started emerging on the brighter side again. "don't read the last page but I'll stay" - the same goes to you. Thank you.
And this wouldn't be a celebratory post about being clean without thanking Taylor. Because she is the reason why I felt seen in the first place. She is the reason why I met so many amazing people. She is the reason why I feel like I can keep moving forward, because she keeps moving forward, no matter what life throws at her. Taylor, I know you won't read this, and that's okay, but I just wanted to say that I love you. Thank you. For everything.
I'm really intrigued to see where I'll be next year. Who I will be. What I've learned and what I've lost. And I hope I will still be as proud of being clean as I am today.
Still trying to find a life of my own,
xxx Sarah
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