Find a life of your own.

(first off a short shout-out to my friend who told me I should finally get back to posting regularly on here - here you go!)

I don't know why (okay, actually I do know, but we'll get to that later), but I think one of my biggest anxieties is not being good enough. I never really realized that this is something that is such a huge part of me until last year or so. I thought I was becoming more confident and I definitely care less about what other people who do not know me think, but with loved ones, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, suddenly I care a whole lot. I mean, yeah, that's normal to a certain extent, of course you want the people you love to love you back. And with friendships I don't really struggle with this that much because somehow I have more trust that at least my close friends won't turn around someday and say goodbye (I mean they already saw all the crazy sides of me so it's practically impossible oops). It's just this deep, intrinsic fear that when the other person finds out who I really am, what is going on in my mind most of the time and that I'm not always a good person, they will just leave. And then I will need to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart all over again.

I think this probably stems from past relationships/romantic involvements/friendships I have had. One friend of mine only liked me when I was popular, or she would only want to hang out with me if I was. She would constantly belittle me and put me down for not only the things I liked, but also for my genuine feelings, claiming I'm just "overreacting". I cut off the contact two years ago but when the voices in my head are telling me "they're just going to leave when they see the real you", she is definitely one of them. With my romantic encounters over the years, although they mostly never led to anything close to a substantial relationship, it was similar. I was not exactly told I was not "good enough", but as soon as I talked with a guy for a while, they would all of a sudden ghost me, with not explanation or anything. And yes, I too have ghosted guys before. But still, it hurts. It's like "Here I am, serving you my heart on a plate, giving my best, and it's still not enough for you to keep talking to me, to find out who I really am, although until now I just gave you pieces of that. These pieces are already enough for you to leave? Okay I guess.". When it comes to guys, it was even like that for boys that liked me but that I wasn't interested in. Which is okay of course. But whenever a guy showed interest in me, my mind immediately went "Oh they just like the idea of you, if they knew the real you, they would immediately run away", without giving anyone the chance to ever get to know the "real me". It's making a decision on behalf of other people because of your anxiety, and I'm trying to stay mindful of that and evaluate my decisions based on that, but it's still hard.

And then there's of course the toxic friendship or situationship I had been in until the end of last year. Don't get me wrong, I had some great times with this person, but she also constantly made off-hand comments about how she thinks my interests are boring. And then when I decided to leave the situationship behind, it was because she quite literally told me she thinks I'm boring. And then I was like. Oh. Okay. I'm not good enough again. Her voice is probably the one I hear most when I'm talking myself down.

It's so funny when you think about it because what is "good enough"? Like how do you even classify it? Is it something that is inherent to someone, like some people are just born enough and others will never be? Or can you reach that goal once you have that job, once you earn this and that money, once you reach certain milestones? It's as if I'm telling myself "Other people are born worthy, but you aren't and can never be". It's just a really twisted logic, and I'm really working on telling myself, of reminding myself that there's nothing I have to do to be good enough, or how I like to rephrase it, to be worth it. I exist, and therefore I'm worthy. Nothing I say or do or am will change that. I would never in a million years think my friends are worthless, so why am I telling it to myself? I think it all begins with being aware of your toxic thought patterns and trying to replace them with positive thoughts. That is what I'm trying to do for now, anyways. It might be a long long journey, but I now know I deserve better. I actually deserve the best. Each of us does. I hope you remember that, too.

xxx Sarah