Find a life of your own.

 The first time (or so I thought) I came in contact, really in contact, with what it means to grieve was when my grandmother died two years ago. I considered myself lucky before, telling my friends that "fortunately no one had died in my family yet". All I knew about funerals was that my father was sometimes invited to speak on them and that when my parents attended one, they dressed in all black.

But here it was, the fateful day on which I thought I "finally" become acquianted with what grief means. And yes, I did grieve and I sometimes still do. I can't listen to certain songs because they remind me of her, and sometimes I'll notice there's a full moon outside and wonder how she is doing right now. I guess little things like that follow you around. And I also grieved when my grandfathers passed away shortly thereafter. I thought it was some kind of sick joke of life that it prevented me from feeling grief for so long, but then it decided to just confront me with a load that felt like a mountain, all in the matter of a few months. How am I supposed to cope, I thought, when I have never experienced anything like this before and life doesn't give me enough time to process the last time I had to grief?

Of course I didn't realize that I was confronted with grief, and the five stages of it, several times already in my life, and yet I still made it through. I actually had a reference, it just didn't occur to me that grief isn't limited to death, that it extends to friend breakups, romantic distress and sometimes even losing or having to lose the old you. 

I grieved in third grade, when my elementary school best friend suddenly decided I wasn't cool enough for her anymore and abandoned me on the first day of school. I remember spending weeks all alone by myself during breaks, wishing I just had someone to talk to. But, after a while, I found new friends, maybe even better ones, and I forgot what was making me so sad before.

I grieved when I was 12 and I fell in love with a boy who didn't reciprocrate my feelings. He was my first real crush, I felt, and for more than a year, I constantly switched between the stages of denial, anger, sadness, and sometimes even acceptance. And don't get me wrong, it was really hard for teen me, but I eventually made it through, I fell in love with someone new and spend more time taking care of myself than thinking about a boy who was never interested in me anyways.

I also grieved just a year after that, still trying to come to terms with my broken heart. I grieved the loss of who I thought I was meant to be, not for myself, but for other people. I grieved for the joy I used to feel when now there seemed to be nothing left of it. I distinctly remember spending days just wishing I could turn back time, and change anything, so that I could be my old self again. With time, I learned that changing isn't bad, and that I'm going to evolve so many times more in my life, and though the growing pains are terrible, I will always arrive at a better spot than where I started.

When I just graduated highschool, I grieved the loss of a friendship, of a person that was so central to my life but just didn't fit into it anymore, no matter how hard I tried. I became angry at her for changing, and at me for noticing how we didn't match anymore but choosing to ignore it. I was sad, really sad, for a long time. Sometimes I thought I was fine, only to wake up the next day thinking about it and her like an echo chamber for another week. But again, there was time. So much time. And today, I think I've made myself comfortable in the acceptance stage, knowing that some things, or even people, are simply only meant to be in your life for a limited amount of time.

What I want to say with this is that you are allowed to grief, not only for people who died, but also feelings and people you lost. And most importantly, give yourself time. I have found that when you take the time, when you do not push the pain away and just let it fill you, for a little bit, you will get through whatever is bringing you down easier and faster. If you give yourself permission to feel it.

xxx Sarah

As you know, I love a good trip down memory lane and just a few days ago, I realized that in just about a week, I will not be a teenager anymore. And this then got me thinking about all the things that happened in the last decade of my life and what changed and in which ways I've grown and I felt like putting together a little list to share with you, so here are ten things I learned during my teenage years:

1. It's okay to not be okay for a while. It doesn't matter if feeling okay again takes weeks, months, or even years. You're healing at your own pace, and no one has the right to tell you how long you are supposed to grief for the you you were before traumatic events took place. But what's also important is that all the supposedly cheesy sayings about how it will get better weren't made by "neurotypical people who have no idea what it's like to be you" because it is true. There is always gonna be a light at the end of the tunnel. And you will reach it eventually. Sometimes you might get lost or wander in the wrong direction, but the sun is calling out to you. Let it embrace you.

2. How to block out the opinions of others. As a teenager, you experience so much change, and it is so confusing and on top of that everyone during these years feels like they have the right to judge anyone for not being enough x or y. One of the most crucial skills to learn is that the opinions of the people who do not care about you and put no effort into trying to understand you don't matter. They truly don't. As long as what you are doing makes yourself happy, that is enough. Listen to your gut instead of adjusting to the opinions of strangers. Or, if you need advice, talk to your friends or family.

3. Being single during your teenage years is actually the best thing that could've happened to you. Another thing that feels huge and important during your teenage years is how you measure yourself up to others and don't want to feel left behind. People start having their first romantic (and sexual) experiences and a lot of times you feel like you're missing out. But I honestly think I have truly benefitted from not having had any romantic or sexual experiences until I was 19. It allowed me to truly get to know myself, and what I want, instead of taking over a different personality for my partner (which is 100% what insecure little teenage me would have done if I had been in a relationship before). It also allowed me to figure out my priorities, and focus my energy on developing life-long friendships instead. And this in turn made me a better partner. I learned to truly listen to others, how to take care of others and give advice, and when to put my own feelings and thoughts in the background to just be there for someone. (and I learned how to find the perfect gift for someone)

4. Being kind is always going to be rewarding. If you only take one thing away from this list, let it be this. Be kind to people. You never know what someone is going through, and just that split moment of you giving them a smile or exchanging small talk could make someone's entire day. Of course, it's important to also know your boundaries, and to know when to recharge so you don't run out of energy. Because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

5. Communication is key! This is something I only really learned during the past year or so. I had a strong tendency to just lie about little things, because I was scared that people wouldn't understand me, scarred from past experiences. What I've found, though, is that the right people will make an effort to understand you and they won't judge you for expressing your thoughts. This is especially important when it comes to romantic relationships. So many bad feelings surface because one partner wasn't honest about their feelings and so much hurt can be avoided if you just speak up when something bothers you.

6. Just because it's hard to let toxic people go, doesn't mean that they were right for you after all. If there was some cure-all medicine to just make you immediately forget and let go of toxic people that once were in your life, that'd be great, but unfortunately that is not the case. It's going to take a while to move on and it's going to hurt like hell. And maybe you'll never truly forget them, maybe you'll still occasionally make up "what if" scenarios in your head and that doesn't mean you don't love yourself enough to let them go. It just means that you are capable of loving people fiercely, and that you truly loved someone else. Of course it's going to hurt. But rather than talking yourself down because of it, be gentle with yourself. Ultimately, time is the greatest healer. Be patient.

7. How to be vulnerable. For most of the past decade in my life, I was terrified of being vulnerable. Even with my closest friends. I was scared they would judge me, just like others had in the past, and they would think I'm weird because of the way my brain works. But then, when I started questioning my sexuality and opened up to others about it, the most magical thing happened: They felt more comfortable to be more vulnerable with me. So then I opened myself up more, and they did in return as well and the most beautiful, profound relationships developed. The biggest take-away for me was that it's okay to be completely honest and express your thoughts unfiltered. The right people will not judge you for it, and it will take such a weight off your shoulders to not have to pretend for once. And it will allow you to heal.

8. That no one has it all figured out. It may seem like you're the only one struggling, but that's only because you experience the behind-the-scenes of your life while only seeing the highlight reel of other people's life. Most of us just walk around clueless and figure it out as we go. As much as you wish to plan your life ahead, you never know what is going to happen next. And that's also the beauty of life, isn't it?

9. Change is inevitable, no matter how much you dread it. I have a big problem with adjusting to major life changes. Two of them happened during the last decade of my life, one being moving to a new town, the other one being graduating highschool. It might take a long time to get used to your "new" life and that's okay. It's also okay to have regular mental breakdowns about it for quite a while (or in my case, for more than half a year). Allow yourself to feel the pain and the grief for the life you had before, and you will get through it faster than if you're pretending that everything's fine. And, again, with time, everything will become easier. Trust the process.

10. The most beautiful things in life can grow from the darkest times. From making a really good friend while being sad and just exchanging your thoughts and feelings with them, to finding yourself a partner for life in the middle of processing a break-up: You just never know what life throws at you. Expect the unexpected, and be open to others, even, or especially, while you're in pain.

Ready to keep on trying to find a life of my own,

xxx Sarah