Find a life of your own.

2020 is about to come to an end so it's time for my annual recap post! It feels like this year stretched on forever and I have already forgotten about soo many things that happened this year but I'll try to recount the most important events!

In last year's post, my resolution was to become more self-confident and to find myself again. I'll talk about that at the end of this post; for now let's start with the basic categories I always talk about in my recap posts:

1) family

This year actually started (and I nearly forgot that was THIS YEAR) with me coming out to my parents. I wrote them a letter, dropped it on their bedside table and drove back to my uni town. At first they didn't find it so until they did I had the worst days mental health wise. I was really returning to a toxic way of thinking I thought I had already left behind and it was just, not good. When they did read it, it at first was all fine and I mean at least they didn't kick me out or anything but especially with my mum a lot of hurtful things were said to me that I would repeat here but I kinda do not wanna go back to that place right now. I guess that's a strategy of its own, just ignoring that these words have hurt you deeply and still have a lasting impact on you, but oh well. Anyways, since my mum said she won't come to my wedding if I marry a girl I guess I have to find a new mum now! Applications are open xoxo My dad was thankfully more chill about it, though I do have to say that I never talk about personal stuff with him. But at least he didn't trigger the shame I so often still feel towards myself and my sexuality, so that's good. 

My four years older brother eventually also got told about my sexuality through my mum and has since been ignoring that my girlfriend exists. The only thing I know he said was that he "doesn't think I look gay" lol sorry I forgot I had to fulfill a quota to be into girls. My two years older brother, who I'm closest to, thankfully is really supportive of my sexuality once I've told him and frequently makes puns and jokes with me about my sexuality and that alone feels really refreshing to me. He still doesn't know that my girlfriend is my girlfriend (though I bet he at least has a suspicion because I'm not very good at hiding it) but other than that I'm thankful to have at least one person in my family who doesn't have a problem with homosexuality.

The struggle with my mum got worse through the fact that I couldn't go back to my apartment in my uni town once lockdown started and it really contributed to my anxiety getting worse during that time, but I'll get to that later. By now, my girlfriend has become a topic my mum is kind of okay with, like she never talks about my sexuality anymore but at least she doesn't make weird comments. And she's become at least a little bit interested in my girlfriend so that's a plus.

Other than that, thankfully this year everyone stayed healthy in my family and we mostly just spent the time at home, everyone doing their own thing.

2) friends

I don't think that when I made this category I ever assumed that there would be a year where I could contribute little to it, yet here we are. Since lockdown started, I really only met with my best friend and my girlfriend and that's it. I'm really really missing my friends and hanging out with them and I really hope there'll be a way to make that possible again in 2021.

There was also the awkwardness of coming out to some of my less close friends. I think for the ones I told I just send them dodie's coming out song and that was it. One of my friends still doesn't know and I noticed that it's extremely difficult for me to just casually slide the topic into a conversation because with said less close friends I rarely ever talk about my love life. But I also want them to know so that I don't always have to skirt around the topic of my girlfriend, you know? I don't know. Maybe 2021 will be the year I'll finally let all of them know.

As to new friends, the only acquaintance I made this year was this girl from my marketing class who also uses tumblr religiously, yay! I kinda want to form a real friendship with her but it's really difficult to do all of that through a screen. Plus, I'm kinda socially awkward oops. But I guess when I read back on this year's post next year I'll know how that has worked out.

3) love

I'm still happily in a relationship with my girlfriend! Honestly, being with her really helped me grow as a person so much.

First of all, it's just this knowledge that this person loves and accepts you as you are. I spent quite a lot of time during my life thinking I was unlovable, and that if I ever were in a relationship it would be difficult for the other person because I'm really prone to overthinking and worrying. With her, whenever I share my thoughts and anxieties she just says she's happy that I'm sharing them with her and never ever thinks is annoying or over-the-top. It really gave me a new sense of self-value in a way that even if (although it's not very likely) we ever split, I'd know that when I'm looking for a relationship, wanting to be with someone who takes your thoughts and worries seriously is NOT asking for too much.

Another thing I learned is how to be honest and communicate my feelings. I think I have mentioned this on this blog in the past how I have a tendency to really eat up my negative feelings and never tell others about what bothers me. And it really has had a negative impact on relationships with other people in the past. With her, I just had such a strong urge of wanting to make things work that I forced myself to just openly tell her when something bothers me. I feel like we really have established a healthy communication mode there and that really helps, especially since we spent a lot of time not seeing each other this year due to corona. And thankfully, as I've already said, she never makes me feel bad for sharing my problems which has really helped me heal from past assumptions I had about love.

Besides my girlfriend, another huge point I should probably mention here is the big fall-out with my first girl crush, which I already talked about in my 2019 recap post. In January, she confronted me about it via text and we both said some pretty hurtful things to each other I guess. After that, I unfollowed her everywhere and thought it was pretty much over with. At this point I was still extremely angry and hurt, especially since judging from her texts I felt like I was just the girl she experimented with to figure out her sexuality while for me it was my first kiss and pretty important to me. In Feburary, we met by chance at the train station and it was overall a very weird meeting. I did try to pretend I didn't see her though oops. The whole conversation was basically about how she felt really hurt by me withdrawing from our friendship and then she just told me how she's overall doing miserably which like, okay sorry for that but that won't make me come back to you this time. She just has this way about her where she makes you feel guilty for not giving her attention and that was just not sustainable for me in the long run. Like by now I think I know why but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

In lockdown, I had a lot of time (probbly too much time) to think it all over and I got really sad because I started missing her as a friend. My closest friends still don't really understand why I held onto her for so long and besides the toxic behavior I illustrated above, the main reason for staying was that we shared everything, every feeling and thought with each other. Yes, by doing so we worsened the mental health of us both but there's just something about sharing your deepest, most shameful secrets with someone, and being understood, which just doesn't fade away in a month.

By now, I'm doing okay about it most of the time. Some days I'm mad at myself because I still miss her. Other days I wish her well. I recognize now that not all of my accusations when it came to her were justified and that I, too, was the reason why our relationship declined. I think a lot of it just comes from the anger wearing of and seeing things from a wider perspective. So yes, I might not be over her yet the way I wished I would be by now but at least I keep going and keep trying. I try to remind myself that it's not a race, and there's no time limit as to when you have to have gotten over somebody.

4) general state of mind

As I already said in the section about my parents, I had a really difficult time mental health wise at the beginning of the year. No matter how many times I reminded myself that being me is nothing to be ashamed of, it still felt and even still sometimes feels like I am inherently wrong. Like I could just throw this "problem" of not being straight away and if I never questioned my sexuality everything would be fine now. Maybe it would, I don't know. But I truly believe that living honestly ultimately makes you the happiest.

I also struggled with a lot of panic attacks during the first lockdown. It was as if everything piled up at once: My mum infiltrating my mind with homophobic thoughts, not being able to stay away from home or to meet with anyone, me still struggling to get over a close relationship and then on top of that a world-wide pandemic. Thankfully, in the last couple of months, I learned a lot of valuable coping skills. I meditate daily now, and it has helped me so much in not getting stuck in my thoughts too much. I also try to take a walk through the park a day and really try to be in the moment and feel my presence (because I have a tendency to really dissociate). I set a healthy limit as to the amount of news I consume daily and I tried out new things - like playing guitar or the piano! I really try to take a little bit of time to myself each day and am really happy that it seems to work thus far.

5) favorite moments this year

(I introduced this category last year and it's proven to be difficult this year, but I tried anyways!)

a) spending Valentine's Day with my girlfriend

b) the day I finished my exams for the summer semester

c) travelling to the sea shortly before lockdown!

d) folklore & evermore dropping!

e) visiting a bunch of cities in my neighboring area with my gf

f) visiting my bff for a couple of days at the beginning of August

so what about my resolution?

I do think I became more confident this year. I have a much clearer vision of what I want in life and was even able to confront a couple of people despite being terrified of confrontation, yay! I also feel like I'm more closely connected to who I am now just because I had so much time to think about it this year. And through the coping mechanisms I've mentioned I feel like I'm more grounded rather than floating away from everything.

If I had to come up with a resolution for next year, I'd say that I want to keep walking on the path that I want to take and not to get so caught up in what other people might think about it. It's my life, and I don't want to keep spending it living for other people.

So this is a farewell 2020. I certainly won't miss you but you've at least taught me some things. Here's to 2021 being a better year.

xxx Sarah

~songs that were most important to me this year: All I Want - Olivia Rodrigo, happiness - Taylor Swift, This Could Be Love - Violet Skies

~tv shows that were a bright light for me this year: Love, Victor, SheRa, High School Musical The Musical The Series, Julie and the Phantoms, The Owl House