Find a life of your own.

June is, as you probably know, Pride month, a month of celebrating the LGBTQIA+ community. Pride about being who we are, loving who we are, and living the way we want to live our lives. But pride also means "not ashamed". The opposite of being ashamed. And I guess I've just been thinking a lot about this dichotomy, these two polar opposites. If you're out, you are supposed to be proud of who you are, leaving the shame within the closet. Likewise, if you're still in the closet, it is kind of expected that you feel shameful about your sexuality to some extent. I personally think the two of them are not an either-or case but rather a spectrum.

To explain, I recently was going through a difficult time mentally. I get into those moods sometimes where I just want to shut everyone out for a while because the thoughts in my head get really loud and then I cannot focus on anything else but them. And then I've resurfaced two weeks or so ago, meaning I felt like I was finally me again, if that makes sense. And I've begun to look back on my thought spirals during that time and was surprised to find how much shame regarding my sexuality still lives within me, despite being halfway out. For example, I often feel almost guilty for my feelings for my girlfriend and have regularly found myself kind of shutting them out, not allowing myself to feel them because that would mean I am most definitely not straight. Which I 100% am. Don't get me wrong. But it still sometimes feels so scray to let myself feel that and let myself be okay with it. Then there are, of course, my parents. Look, logically I know there is nothing wrong with who I am or who I love but I still subconsciously pick up feelings of shame from them and some tiny part of me starts believing what they say. And then I get so anxious about ever further telling anyone in my life, anxious that they will confront me with the same stuff my parents have told me or that they'll hate me or that people are going to talk about me badly again and I freak out.

Still, I love being bi. I love cracking jokes about bi culture with my friends. I love belonging to this community. I love the fact that there are no clear social roles for same-sex relationships, that it is all free of heteronormative expectations. I love crushing on girls and boys, I love talking about my sexuality online or with friends. I love engaging with LGBTQIA+ media. I do feel pride. But I also feel shame, at the same time. I think those two do not have to cancel each other out.

I feel like when we feel shame about our sexuality despite being out, we feel guilty, as if we cannot let others know that. After all, we want other people to understand that not being cishet is nothing to be ashamed of, that it is not abnormal or exotic. So we shut our shame away in order to be a better role model. We deny ourselves those feelings to strengthen the image of our community. Don't get me wrong, it is important to be loud and proud and to show people all of what I've just mentioned. But I think sometimes we need to realise that we do not have to be a walking pride parade 365 days a year, even less to prove something to cishet people. We are still only human. And sometimes we will still feel shame about not being cishet, and we might even still hate that part of ourselves some days. We all grew up in the same society that favorizes heterosexuality and being cisgender and alienates,mocks and exotizes any deviation from the norm. I guess what I'm trying to say here is: It's oaky. Allow yourself to feel these feelings. Work through them. Don't shut them out for fear of being a bad role model if you do. Likewise, if you feel proud of who you are and your identity, then go for it. Doesn't matter if you're still in the closet or not. Pride Month is for everyone who does not 100% percent identify as straight. 

Alas (I feel liek a 19th century victorian woman writing this right now but), happy pride month to all of you. To say it in the words of miss Olivia Rodrigo, I love you guys and I hope that you're okay. ❤

xxx Sarah