Find a life of your own.

The last couple of weeks I've spend a lot of time thinking and reading about thoughts (you'll hopefully get what I mean by that by the end of this post). I've learned so many things now, and I wish someone had told me earlier that just because you have thoughts like "what if I end up doing xy bad thing" that doesn't mean that it will actually happen. I thought I'd make this post for my fellow chronic overthinkers out there to share what has helped me recently so maybe it can help you, too (Beware that this will probably be a longer post than usual). I'll list some resources I've found useful at the end as well :) (Also pls notice that this is not meant as a cure all and you should always consult with a therapist when in doubt)

 

    My relationship with my thoughts has always been a strained one. Like I've said, I'm a chronic overthinker to the point that fellow overthinkers I know have even told me they don't even overthink as much as I do (wow, what a sentence). The earliest memory I have of really overthinking myself into an unhelpful state was when I was little and couldn't fall asleep most of the time. I think it all started with me lying in bed one day wondering if one might be able to notice the exact moment when one falls asleep (spoiler alert: you can't) , then I pushed that thought away because I wanted to, well, sleep. What this did is that it took me until I was, like, 14 to not get really anxious any time I was about to go to sleep and to actually be able to sleep over at a friend's house without pushing myself (through my thoughts) into panicking. Of course, I have improved in that aspect but ever since I've started spending time thinking about my sometimes obsessive thoughts, I've come to realize that this thoughts spiral has accompanied me (with different topics of course) throughout my entire life. The first six months of this year, for example, were, to sum it up, horrible. I got really caught up in what-if scenarios, to the point where I a) felt like I was not really here anymore and b) where I couldn't really give others the attention they deserve. I distinctively remember telling my girlfriend that I feel like I'm a different person who's not really ME whenever I would get in these thought spirals for weeks or even months. Now, looking back, I know how it started: I had a random thought that went something like "What if I did [xy horrible thing]/ What if [xy horrible thing] happened?". Because I've been always taught to counter my thoughts (more on that later), I immediately started telling myself off, like "Shut up, you know this is never going to happen, look at xyz". What I didn't realize is that because of that, I gave my thoughts even more power. Suddenly this little what-if scenario, this little thought which normally would've passed over in a few minutes became the ruler of my mind. I would think about that hypothetical scenario multiple times a day, making myself feel miserable in the process. Albeit, thinking is not the truth, I rather noticed the thought arose and I pushed it back down denying myself to think it. And, well, as you can guess, this all made it worse.

 

    So much about my own story. And I’ve found that intrusive thoughts can really be about anything: Your body, social situations, that one thing that you did wrong when you were 10 that still haunts you when you are trying to fall asleep and makes you cringe. And, what's more, you usually don't even realize those thoughts are intrusive. After all, we think we ARE our thoughts, that they define who we truly are, deep down, right? At least that has been my belief for the past twenty years of my life. The first time I read the sentence "you are not your thoughts" I panicked: "But if I'm not my thoughts, who am I then? Then there's nothing anymore that makes me me" but I soon come to realize that it just means that whatever thoughts arise in you are not reflective of who you are as a person. So, for example, you might get an intrusive thought like "What if I end up betraying that person's trust? Maybe I'm too selfish to be close to them. Yes, I am selfish, and I should do something about it. Maybe I should just stop spending time to avoid that this bad thing ever happens". But just because you think those things, doesn't mean they are something you truly want. I've come to see my mind as an unreliable narrator. In a book I've recently read, the author explained it the following way: Imagine your friend isn't replying to you for, let's say, more than 24 hours. Your mind starts coming to the worst conclusions "Oh my God, they must hate me. Or maybe they got into an accident. Maybe my wording was off. Maybe they want to break off our friendship.". Then, a couple of hours later, your friend texts you back to say they were visiting someone and they brought you a small gift from their trip. Now your mind is happy, you feel grateful about this person and you forget that just hours before your mind was convinced the other person wanted nothing to do with you anymore. That is what I mean by unreliable narrator: Your mind changes opinions faster than other people change clothes, yet we still tend to take these thoughts at face value. What's more, your thoughts are not objective (no matter how hard your mind tries to convince you that you are, indeed, gonna get into a car accident on your way to work today), they are impacted by past experiences. If you had a friend like that who gave you this kind of advice, you'd dump them. A quote I wrote down from this book I was reading was this: "Your mind is always telling you that you have to change something outside to solve your inner problems. But if you are wise, you won't play this game. You'll realize that the advice your mind is giving you is psychologically damaged advice. Your mind's thoughts are disturbed by fears." So why do we still accept our thoughts as truthful and accurate as to who we are?

 

    Essentially, thinking is a way to exert control over our outside world. We think if we just think about stuff long enough, we actually have an influence about them. Spoiler alert: We don't. My mind at least was convinced that if I just thought about every possible scenario hard enough, I'd be prepared for whatever is to come and that then would change the outcome. How often has ruminating about things that haven't even happened yet really changed anything? Never. Things will happen, and you cannot stop them from happening. So, you might as well embrace the uncertainty instead of spending your entire energy trying to control something that is uncontrollable. Another quote: "What your mind is doing is making up external situations that might make things more comfortable. But the external situation is not the cause fo your inner problem. They are merely an attempt to solve the problem." Not to mention that these thoughts are holding you back (One of the books I was reading said we are constantly trying to protect or defend ourselves from our pain which is actually a very useless task because we start building our life around not getting hurt which is, well, tedious. But that's a bit off topic). 

 

    So, what do I now do whenever intrusive thoughts arise? The first mistake I've stopped making is pushing away these thoughts that scare me. Because that's essentially what it was: I'd get a "what if" thought and just having this thought instantly terrified me, because does this mean xyz? As already mentioned, I gave them more power by actually ignoring them. I've also stopped constantly trying to talk back at my thoughts, which basically felt like having to unravel a whole life concept. You actually do not need to comment your thought at all. I let an anxious thought arise and then I just say to myself "Okay, you are a thought. And I'm not scared of you. In fact, I'm letting you sit in the chair in front of me. You are not a signal, not a warning. You may be disturbing, you may make me anxious, but you are not anxious. You are just a thought." Doing this alone has helped me so much because it takes away the power of the thought. It also separates yourself from your thoughts; because as I've already said, you are NOT your thoughts and talking about them from an outsider's perspective helps detaching yourself from it. Or, at times, I just tell myself "Okay. Maybe this will happen, or maybe not." This felt very scary to me at first because I thought if I show any acceptance of my thought, it will make it real. Actually, the opposite was the case: It stopped me from diving headfirst into a spiral because it stopped me from longing for that 100% certainty which I would never get, anyway.

 

    What I also do in that outsider's perspective is that I just do a quick check whenever bad feelings arise. Let's say I need to make a phone call, and I am absolutely terrified of it (as always). My mind tells me I'm gonna embarrass myself, the person at the other end of the line will think I'm weird and it will be an overall horrible experience. To detach myself from my thoughts, I tell myself, "Okay. You are feeling anxious. You are thinking that you'll have to bury yourself after this phone call." Just this simple distinction alone makes me snap out of my thought spiral and actually notice what's going on in my mind. If that still does not help, I've learned this four-part strategy to approaching and breaking down anxious thoughts: 

 

    1) How likely is it that this thing I am afraid of will happen? (In my anxious mind, I almost always reply 99% but see how you can never be 100% sure of it? that leaves at least the 1% chance of it going okay) 

    2) How awful would it be if this thing happened? (Would I really have to move into the woods to be never seen again or would the dentist's assistant forget who I was after a couple days max anyways?)

    3) How well would I be able to cope? (So, presuming I'll embarrass myself, so what? I've embarrassed myself countless of times already and I'm still standing. I'm not going to die if it happens.)

    4) What support can I get? And: Will others really care? (The second question ties in with point to. Support can be friends who talk you up or just maybe writing down what I'm going to say so if I blackout, I've got something to draw back to.)

 

     One of the books also talked about emotions and thoughts as being part of an energy cycle. Don't get freaked out - I thought it was very spiritual, too but you do not have to actually think you have this energy to imagine it. If I get a thought or a feeling, I imagine this thought or feeling to enter my energy cycle. But everything that enters eventually leaves unless I stop it from doing so. Let's say I stumbled over my feet while getting on the train (something that has happened to me way too many times already rip) while everyone was watching me. I can a) delve into this feeling of embarrassment, either by pushing it away or ruminating over the situation for hours or days on end, scolding myself for what happened. Or b) I can appreciate that it's just a feeling, like happiness, or a thought that I experience. Nothing more, nothing less. I let it enter my energy system, flow through it and exit again, like a wave in the ocean (sometimes I even visually picture it that way to support this).

 

    I know some of this sounds overly simplified and I truly cannot explain it as well as the people who have talked about this in depth have, so if you want to really get to the bottom of it, here are some sources which helped me:

 

    1) the book "You Will Get Through This Night" by Daniel Howell: Literally would recommend this book to anyone, really, it contains tons of useful tips.

    2) This YouTube video: Helped me to grasp the basics of what is going on inside of my head and to start to re-evaluate my thoughts.

    3) the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A.Singer: Sometimes does feel overly simplified and is at times very spiritual. BUT it is very easy to understand and it fundamentally changed my overthinking tendencies.

 

    I hope some of this helped at least one person. If I had had someone back then who had told me that I am not crazy for thinking my thoughts and that these thoughts are not a reflection of who I am, I might not have gotten stuck in my thought spiral for so long this year. I guess if you take only one thing away from this, let it be this: "You are not your thoughts."

 

xxx Sarah