Find a life of your own.

 It's almost the new year which means it is time for my annual year recap post! 2021 has been one of the most challenging years of my life mentally to be honest, so uh yeah, hoping that next year will be better. 

In last year's post I made a resolution to care less what other people think. We'll return to that later on. For now, here are my basic categories I always talk about:

1) family

Unsurprisingly enough, me not being straight is still making things difficult with my family. One of my brothers is really supportive but with the rest of the family I feel like I am constantly walking on a tightrope. My other brother only talks about my sexuality to my parents (in a clearly condescending way), but never to my face. My dad just kind of decided not to talk about (as we always do in my family) and my mum... well, at least she does not talk to me about it that much anymore. This is supposed to be the last year during which I have to keep my sexuality a secret to the public, so here's to hoping things will get better somehow in 2022.

On the brighter side, I got really close with my supportive brother this year! We actually bought us inline skates again this year (this was our favorite hobby as kids) and started to skate around time at least one a week for a bit. We also still text a bunch since I've moved out and I feel like he trusts me emotionally? Which is a good thing because my brother is usually very closed off to everyone around him. My half-brother also got another daughter! They're currently visiting us and my niece is very very cute, though she spends most of her time sleeping (good for her!).

I've also moved out in September (more about that later) so I've been having some air to breathe and not feel clouded by shame from my family anymore. At least when I'm not at home.

2) friends

I finally got to see my friends again this year! Last year I practically only ever saw my girlfriend and my best friend, so I was really happy that I could for example finally see Josy again! I hope Josy doesn't mind me witing this (you will probably read this post eventually I guess?) but I feel like we've grown even closer this year. And I spent a couple of days at her place in June during which we recreated Taylor's album covers, watched Camp Rock and the reputation tour (again!) and I (slightly drunk) swiped through her dating apps, as one does!

One of my favorite moments was going to pride again with my friends this year - we did a whole roadtrip and it was just very fun! 

I also finally met my uni friends in person again and to be honest, I have to admit that I was always rather reluctant to share personal details to them (maybe that's also an introvert thing - I feel if I focus my energy on too many friends I'll just half-ass things) but when we met in summer this year we had such a good time and I was really happy that I got to know them during my bachelor's degree!

Moving came with trying to find new friends, and to be completely honest, I was struggling with that a bit. Mainly because it also coincided with my worst mental health phase but also I seemed to have unlearned any and all social skills during the pandemic. I did join a drama group again, though! And it makes me very happy because I had totally forgotten how much I love theatre people because in my experience they're all very kind and welcoming! Also, most of them are gay which is another plus haha. 

3) love

Well. It has certainly been a year. Don't worry, I'm still in a relationship with my girlfriend. However, I really struggled with obsessive thoughts this year. As in, since I am so terrified of losing control of anything and a relationship is the most uncontrollable thing ever, I really struggled with how to handle my anxious thoughts. I still do, to be honest. And I wish it was more talked about. Like all I knew about love were the romanticized notions of love in media and if something wasn't exactly how I saw it on tv for example, it would send me down a thinking spiral that lasted at least a couple of weeks. I think I'm through the thick of it but I'm still struggling. And that is okay. Above all, I've learned that love is a choice. You just have to make sure that choice is one worth making.

I've also moved in with my girlfriend! Which is a new and interesting experience. We're still trying to get the hang of it to be honest and it's been lots of communication about why a certain thing that seems totally fine to the other person bothers you so much. After not seeing each other that much because of covid last year and also this year for another three months, it feels really good not to be anxious about whether we'll ever see each other again soon anymore. So yay!

Concerning my first girl crush (which I talked about in my recap posts since 2018 oops), well. I'm still struggling with my mixed feelings looking back on that moment in my life. And on her as a person. But I'm still living! Despite her not being a part of my life anymore. Maybe I'll also never really get over her but maybe that's not the point? Maybe this dull ache will stay forever, but maybe instead of viewing it as something bad I can view it as a reminder of my capacity to love someone so deeply I still love them and wish them well despite what happened.

4) general state of mind

Two words: Not good. It started with my obsessive thinking spirals, accompanied by regular anxious sensations in my body which also manifested itself (at least instead of headaches like I had last year) as stomach aches in the middle of the night and (yes!) not being able to hear on one ear whenever I am particularly stressed out. I still meditated but it wasn't enough. At some point I sought out a few therapy sessions from my uni which were mainly just talking. And that helped, don't get me wrong! But I still felt trapped in my mind patterns and in my negative feelings.

Bright days only ever seemed to last a few days and then I'd feel shitty for weeks on end again. In autumn, I got worse. I've actually been told it might be a mild case of depression so yeah, you can imagine how I might be feeling. But I'll regularly attend therapist sessions starting January or February and I'm really really hoping I'll finally get better again. The thing I was struggling with the most was me returning to unhealthy thought patterns I thought I had already overcome in the course of highschool only for them to come back and hit me again full-force. 

I also have a really hard time talking about just how bad I am doing. Maybe it's about not wanting other people to worry about me, I don't know. My mental health state has definitely taken on a toll on all of my relationships and I'm really glad I'll be getting support through therapy last year because I feel like I cannot pull myself out of this hole on my own this time.

5) favorite moments this year

a) Spending a few days in June at Josy's place

b) the day I first saw our new apartment

c) watching West Side Story with a bunch of drama group people

d) when Josy and I screamed and danced along to Paper Rings one hour before I turned 21 (yes we were definitely I tiny bit tired asdkaskjh)

e) pride with my friends

f) getting a role in a play again!

g) getting my bachelor's degree!

h) whenever one of my half-brothers visited with their kids

i) meeting up with my uni friends again after two years

k) (omg I totally forgot about that one) but spending three days at a workshop in July and on one evening walking up this hill at night to look at the skyline of the city

l) getting an A+ on the term paper for my favorite uni class thus far!

so, what about my resolution?

To be honest I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for 2021 being literally one of the years where other people's opinion mattered the most to me. It's difficult to not care and it doesn't always work and that should be okay. 

As for next year's resolution, I don't think I want to make one. All I want to focus next year is getting better and feeling better again. And then I hope the rest will fall into place somehow.

Until next year,

xxx Sarah

songs that were most important for me this year: Serotonin - girl in red, drivers license - Olivia Rodrigo

tv shows that were most important for me this year: Young Royals, Love Victor