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2022 is almost over so it's time for my annual year recap post! I feel like I changed so much this year, multiple times that it is going to be hard to sum it up but I will try! For that reason, this time, I'm going to recap the year going by months instead of categories.

January-Feburary

In January, I had my first therapy session with my new therapist. I had tried some sort of unofficial therapy before but it never seemed to work for me, but by the end of last year I was feeling so miserable mentally that I just had to give it one more shot. And, luckily, I found a therapist I really click with! But that also meant that I now had to start facing my demons instead of pushing all of my feelings down, pretending they don't exist. Which, of course, is painful and terrified me. I started to confront my shame, which was and still is tough - I might need to make a separate post about that some time. But what blew my mind is regarding this feeling not as something that I feel, but something that others feel, that belongs to them and that isn't mine.

In January, I also began a job at a publisher, which was supposed to continue for two months. Honestly, I didn't expect much when I applied (except to finally earn some money and feel less stressed out about finances) but my colleagues were all really lovely there so I really enjoyed it!

In February, my girlfriend and I also did a weekend trip to Vienna, right after we finished our exams, which was so much fun!

March-April

Fun experiences abound! My colleague at the publisher recommended me to her other colleague and eventually they were so happy with my work that they decided to take me on for two months more! This was the first time I experienced feeling somewhat confident in a work environment, as I just always assume I'm doing things wrong, especially in work settings.

In March, my theatre group friends and I also went to a theatre play. The play was called "The Inheritance" and was about the AIDS crisis and it was SO good. The play was split in two parts, each 2-3 hours long and we were never bored at all, so this should tell you how good it was.

May-June

2022 is the year I finally got to go to (multiple!) concerts again! May started out with a Conan Gray show, for which I prepared a litle fan project. It was a bit of a scary experience for me, as my friend who was supposed to accompany me couldn't make it after all - but I ended up attending the show with one of my newly-found theatre group friends. And, although I was still a ball of anxiety and didn't feel as happy as I used to do at concerts, it's still a cherished memory now.

Then, in June, I attended an Olivia Rodrigo concert, met a tumblr mutual there (!) and basically had a nice weekend getaway. And, just a few days later, I saw Lorde! I'm really grateful for the concerts I got to experience this year.

After the Conan concert, I was scared that my mental health was too bad to truly experience happiness anymore as concerts were usually the fool-proof place to make me happy. I actually spent a lot of time these months contemplating whether I can even still feel truly happy anymore. So, while I experienced these amazing concerts, I at the same time had to grapple with this voice that told me it was never going to get better, which, to be honest, was very tough.

But at least I got to see my closest friends again, which Covid had mostly prevented the previous two years.

July-October

I grouped these months together as I left for Ireland in August! Before I left, I was really nervous. I was so scared I was going to have a depressive episode and then I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. But, shortly before I left, I attended another concert with one of my closest friends, and for some reason that really gave me a confidence boost.

To be honest, I expected to hate having to spend 8 weeks in Ireland. While I do enjoy short trips, longer trips make me nervous, and I become especially nervous if I'm not in my home country. Surprisingly, the two months of Ireland was exactly what I needed. My host family was really lovely, and I loved the peace and tranquility I experienced abroad. I felt like my mind finally started processing some of those feelings I had kept locked up for so long. I specifically remember one afternoon when I was on the bus, driving home from work, and suddenly thought "I feel and have felt happy for multiple weeks now". After feeling like I'm not capable of this feeling anymore, I was startled that I had begun feeling happy again without even noticing. That's when it finally clicked for me that a) I deserve to be happy, b) I can feel happy again and c) that I finally needed to make some changes to ensure that happiness.

When I returned, I acted on my first resolution to achieve this goal, namely seeing my family less often. I was finally able to overcome feeling guilty for not visiting them more often, and accepting it as something I needed to do to preserve my mental health. I started to approach personal relationships in a different way, which now feel so much better. All this to say, had I listened to my anxiety and not done this stay abroad, I feel like I never would have had the courage to finally actively start working towards feeling better again.

November-December

This brings me to the end of the year. This all sounds very rosy, as if everyone of my problems is solved now, which is of course not true. I still oftentimes feel sad. I'm still only learning to talk about my feelings honestly with others (without making self-deprecating jokes to make it seem as if I'm not as hurt as I am). I still have days or weeks I feel hopeless. But I think I'm finally starting to crawl out of the pit I've been in for two years now. And I owe a lot of that to therapy - just having this safe space to learn how to talk about my feelings without being scared of being invalidated is SO helpful. Knowing that I'm allowed to make my feelings take up space in therapy is also so helpful.

So what are my hopes for next year? I hope I will continue to move forward. Or that, even if I move backward, I will have he courage to get back up and try again. This is also something that I've learned this year: Sometimes you just have to try. It doesn't have to be good, in fact you may decide that you're never going to do this new thing again, but you will be so happy you took that leap in the first place. 

Hoping for a good 2023,

xxx Sarah

Hello there! I haven't posted anything on here in a while (though I did once write a draft but never published it, oops), but no matter how sporadic these posts appear, I still occasionally feel like making a new one.

You might be slightly confused by the title, thhinking, "Well, who isn't?!" but let me explain. I never really thought of myself as being so controlled b what other people think of me. I mean, not anymore, at least. I had learnt the hard way that the opinions of strangers do not matter because they do not know me, hence why should I care about them liking me? Well. Turns out I'm not as over this insecurity of mien as I thought I would be.

As you may or may not know, I finally have a therpist I see regularly. And it's funny how these things go because a lot of time, when she asks me why I'm acting a certain way in certain situations it comes down to me being terrified of not being liked. I could now tell you why, but that would be a long story, plus I probably have already posted about it somewhere on here and I also don't know if I truly understand all aspects of it. But, let us note for the moment that I go into every situation in my life thinking I might not be liked and being scared of the repercussions if my fear ends up being confirmed.

Of course I did notice that I'm scared of this in some sort of way, but I always shrugged it off. I mean, I still enter social situations, right? So it can't be that bad. That is until I realized how many of my issues can be traced back to this fear. For example, I was surprised to hear myself tell my therapist that I indeed avoid situations for fear of not being liked. This might seem contradicting right now (haven't I just claimed the opposite?) but that's just because I didn't realize it myself. 

For example, a couple of weeks ago I wanted to throw a small party and I thought I'd invite my new friends from uni. Well, over the course of two weeks I convinced myself so much that they wouldn't want to come anyway, that they'd think of my party as boring anyway, etc. that I was really really close to just ditching the idea all together. Despite the fact that my new friends have never made me feel like I'm not good enough for them.

It also leaks into smaller parts of my life. I stop myself from asking other people questions because I'm scared they'll think of me as dumb and thus won't like me. I don't speak out when others hurt me because I'm scared they'll then be hurt in return and won't like me. I overanalyse every social situation ever, like a detective trying to find proof that the other person/people don't like me. I could go on and on.

Now, being scared per se is not a bad thing. But what is bad is that this fear controls my entire life. I hold myself back from new, exciting experiences because in my head I have already decided someone will judge me. And even if I do end up granting myself the experience, I'll spend the entire time overthinking how I should act so that others might like me, while at the same time convinced they have already settled on their opinion that they hate me. Or, I'll go home after a great day, and in the course of a few minutes I will have convinced myself that what I thought was a great day was rather a sham and everyone was tos cared to tell me they secretly hate me and hate that I'm there.

So, now that I'm conscious of it, I try to be aware of whenever this mind cycle starts happening. And I try to act counterintuitively. Enter new situations despite being scared, for example. Not avoiding but instead seeking conversation. And trying to accept that this fear might never go away, but I can change the way I act based on it.

This is all a long and winding way to say that I am trying, I guess. In Germany, we have this proverb called "Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung" (transl: Being aware of somethign is the first step to improving it). So I'll just have to believe in that.

xxx Sarah