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It isn't the end of a year if I do not post my annual recap post on here! I don't really use this blog outside of it anymore unfortunately but hey! Maybe that will change in 2025. However, I really enjoy making these recap posts so of course I also had to write one for 2024!

2024 was a year of lots of change for me and,luckily, lots of very, very good change. Insanely good change that I didn't think would ever be possible. And as such, I am immensely grateful to all the good and bad things I experienced this year because they got me to where I am now, and I am pretty happy with where I ended up. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

If you haven't read any of my yearly recap posts yet, hello and welcome! I structure these posts in two months intervals because that makes it easier to summarize events for me. Just so you know what you are getting into! But now let's begin with the actual recap post:

January – February

The year already began unusually for me. I fell sick with a cold shortly before Christmas, which then developed into an ear infection that lasted until the middle of January. This was the beginning of what I like to call my "sickness period" because I got struck with some virus at least once a month until May and it was always an illness that completely wiped me out for at least a week. However, I got to help relaunch our website at work and that was a very fun and different project for me in January!

In January I furthermore joined a queer Christian group and sharing my experience with them felt very healing and helped me process a lot of trauma I had experienced post-coming out.

In February I finally got to see Maisie live after being hindered from attending her concert in Berlin next year! The show was so much fun. Shortly before it I had noticed that I finally began to feel much lighter after the heartbeak I went through last year. I can only describe it as feeling as if you finally resurfaced from the waves, as if I could finally breathe again when I didn't even notice I was drowning. Because of that, hearing Maisie sind "There It Goes" was a very healing experience. 

And: Recently my friend reminded me that at the show I told her that "2024 is going to be our year, I'm manifesting it". And oh boy, did I manifest it because what also happened right on the weekend of the Maisie concert is that I went on dates again! After my breakup I had told all of my friends that I would take a dating break of at least three months. February was ony two months since the breakup but of course I became sad on Valentine's Day about my ex and other past entanglements with other people. I just wanted to feel desired again so I decided to already sign up for dating apps after all but only to get to know new cool people, maybe gather some experience, but nothing beyond that.

That plan was all nice and fair and also worked on the first date I went on on the day of my Maisie concert. The girl was very nice and I was very open to meeting her again and seeing where it goes from there. What I, however, didn't plan for was what happened on the date I had with a boy just two days later. We met on bumble and in the span of two or three days our texts developed into long paragraphs of answers about ten different topics at the same time. When he told me he was bisexual I was even more curious to meet him! As you might know, my past and only relationship thus far had been with a woman and within that relationship I had often wondered if I would even want to date a man at all anymore. But then I decided to meet up with the guy I met on bumble and we went for a long walk in nature. Originally we had planned to take pictures (as he and I both like photography) but instead we wandered around for four hours, both getting multiple blisters on our feet but deciding to ignore them because we were so invested in the conversation (exhibit A) of our silliness matching!).

In fact, we were so invested that we decided to meet up again just three days later (although I had told him I wouldn't have the time to meet with work and everything but I seem to have forgotten to be rational around him oops). And, again, we had a very nice date! It was weird because it felt like I had already known him forever, despite having texted with him for only a little more than a week and only having met him once before. I decided to just continue with it as long as it feels good and as soon as it doesn't, I could back out at any point. I finally started to grant myself autonomy when it comes to dating. Where previously everything would depend on the other person and their decisions relating to me, this time it was about me and what I wanted. And I felt as free as I have never felt before in that.

During this time I related to There It Goes by Maisie a lot: 

March – April

Dating him led to a bunch of new and fun experiences in March. I felt like I was finally living again instead of letting life happen to me and trying to deal with what is thrown at me as best as I can. We went on more dates, unable to not see each other at least once, if not twice a week. It felt so easy and safe. As already mentioned in the last paragraph, I finally listened to what I wanted to do and we took it slow. Finally kissing him was a funny experience as I had previously considered myself someone who just "doesn't enjoy kissing as much" but then I kissed him and I finally understood why people enjoy it so much. I felt like I was a teenager again because I was feeling so much for this person and couldn't believe he reciprocrated these feelings.

And then, at the end of March, we got officially together. While I said yes when he asked me, my anxiety about relationships, which I was able to block out quite well before that, when it was just "fun dating", hit me all at once that night. I was terrified of letting someone in again and then them leaving. I felt like actual love wasn't worth a try because it wouldn't work out anyway, not with me at least and I didn't notice how much I felt that until he became my partner. Saying yes was a leap I took while still being terrified I would crash and burn again. But I am so, so grateful that I was brave enough to do so because the relationship that has bloomed from it is beautiful. It taught me to dare to try new things, even if they scare me because yes, they might end badly but they might be the best thing you have ever had and you won't find out if you don't jump.

At the same time, my therapist and I started working properly on what she calls "my standy-by mode" (since it's not full-on dissociation). I had of course noticed that I tend to zone out of situations and emotions I don't want to feel but I hadn't realized how detrimental it was to my mental well-being. My therapist explained to me that it was a survival strategy I had needed in the past but that I do not need anymore. Trying to improve this habit of mine was painful and uncomfortable and resulted in many, many exhausting sessions with her, both on my and her end. But I can now proudly say that I barely dissociate anymore and I am extremely proud of the work I've done this year to achieve that.

Oh and I went to another concert in April! 2024 was the year of concerts and it was so much fun.

I was obsessed with Alley Rose by Conan during this time: 

May – June

The sickness I had in May was a two weeks long tonsillitis. I spent almost all of it at my boyfriend's place who thankfully took care of me. It sucked and I hated it but these two weeks made us grow so much as a couple that I am grateful it happened the way it did.

My department planned a big public event for the end of June during these two months and I was responsible for designing all of the graphics, including coming up with a concept for it. It made me very happy to take on a project of my own where I was able to create something from scratch.

At the end of May, I went on my first trip with my partner and his best friend which was a very spontaneous affair that landed us in Italy! It was so much fun to travel like this and just going to wherever we currently felt like going.

In June, I attended the GUTS tour and it was one of the best concerts I've been to. I've described it to my friends as a concert to release female rage specifically. I felt incredibly connected to the audience and I had so much fun jumping around and dancing and singing along to the songs.

I spent a lot of time listening to Gracie Abrams' new album during this time. Besides Risk (a banger!) one of my favorite songs on the album is I Love You, I'm Sorry: 

July – August

It's been a long time coming... In July, I finally saw Taylor live again after nine long years. I was lucky enough to attend three shows within a week and that was genuinely one of the best weeks of my life. Between the rain show in Hamburg, where everything still felt surreal to the two shows in Munich that were filled with so much fun with me friends I had as much fun as I barely had ever before. I met so many of my mutuals from tumblr and on top of that got some of my all-time favorite Taylor songs as suprise songs! Taylor shows are the most joyous place on earth, truly. It felt so good to dance and sing and scream and cry with everyone.

During the same week, I also finally told my family that I have a boyfriend now. I had dreaded that for the past months, as I knew my mum was still holding out hope for me to turn out straight after all since my ex and I broke up. I knew she would take this as a sign of me being "cured" now, of her prayers "working". I have not spoken to her one on one since (our "private" conversations are where she usually guilt-trips me by making comments with double meanings so when you complain to her about it she says that "wasn't what she meant" - so, you see, it's all very complicated). However, she was uncharacteristically extremely enthusiastic about me now having a boyfriend and wanted to know everything about him and meet him which would be great if I hadn't had the opposite experience with her and my ex. 

This year I also generally took a much closer look at my family bonds and unhealthy patterns within my family. Encouraged by my partner I started to finally feel some of the emotions especially towards my mum I had suppressed for years. And while I was and still am sometimes terrified of feeling my emotions, I have learned that I feel so much better if I just feel them instead of trying to ignore them or prohibit myself from feeling them.

In August, I also had another big project from work and I finally saw Bleachers live! The venue basically didn't have any AC but I still danced my heart out and it was so much fun! My partner came along with my friend and I was very happy to finally be able to share concerts with someone I'm in a relationship with.

I had loved this song already when the album came out, but I listened to it a lot again during these two months:

September – October

September began with my trip to Paris! My family didn't have much money growing up so we rarely ever went on vacation so being able to travel to places still feels like such a luxury to me. I had wanted to go to Paris for years and this year I finally went there with a friend of mine. It was so fun to go to all the places of the Begin Again music video!

Afterwards, my partner and I went on a roadtrip to Switzerland. Again, we experienced so much together and grew so much together. And he showed me some of his favorite spots and the nature there was so beautiful.

After that trip, I celebrated my birthday with a Taylor-themed party with my friends. I had had a party last year, too, but this year I noticed that I was just able to be myself without thinking too much about how I appear. I partly attribute this to my partner and he will probably say he only played a little part in it, but he so easily makes me feel like who I am without any filters and masks is so loveable that I have felt myself being my honest self around others much more. And, funnily enough, that led to me having even closer relationships with my friends, which feels so, so good. I had so much fun that night and felt so appreciated and I look back on this evening very fondly.

In October, I got ready to apply for jobs again. My traineeship would end soon and when I asked her about it in August, my boss told me there wouldn't be a position for me after it. But then, the day after my partner and I took pictures of me for my CV, she called me and offered me a temporary position until November next year, and I took the offer. I was extremely happy I could stay on because I love my colleagues and my tasks. And (spoiler alert!) at the end of November she offered me a permanent job which I ended up taking! It feels very relieving to know that I have a job for now and do not have to worry about my future as much.

My best friend and I also established a weekly phone call tradition in October which I love. Most of our friendship has been long distance and with how busy I was this year but also how much stuff was going on for her, it has been difficult remembering to update the other person regulary. This way, we finally know more about the mundane stuff of the other person's life again and it feels very good to be this involved in her day-to-day life again!

I have to add another Gracie song to these two months because as I have said, I have been obsessed with her album this year and the deluxe tracks hit really close to home, too. This might be my favorite of the deluxe tracks (and I have listened to it an unhealthy amount of times oops):

November – December

November and December were full of fun trips on the weekends. I did another small roadtrip with my partner and we also went and visited one of my best friends. I also finally got to see the musical The Prom which was so much fun! On the first weekend of December I got a second ear piercing on both of my ear lobes which is something I have been wanting to do for years! 

Things got stressful with my family again when I realized I actually do not want to spend Christmas with them. I knew that if I went home, my mum would want to have a private conversation to me and I knew I would just bear all the shitty stuff that would be said to me again and I realized that I don't have to. I don't owe them anything. Of course I knew that rationally before, but it always felt impossible to say no to them or rather especially my mum. With the support of my partner and my therapist I mustered the courage to tell my mum I would not be visiting. That I managed to do that is a huge deal to me because standing up to my family has felt impossible until this year. But because I grew and learned so much this year, I was able to do it. I feel insanely proud of myself for doing so many scary things and for healing because of it.

I have listened to a lot of Chappell Roan these past few months and I especially relate to Pink Pony Club, so I had to include it here:

To sum it up, 2024 was an incredibly good year for me, filled with so many good memories that it feels like they cannot fit into just one year. 2024 was also filled with many tough decisions, moments where I was terrified, moments where I thought I hit the edge of what I was capable of doing. And then I proved myself wrong. I learned how to minimize dissociating and I have gotten so much better at sharing my honest feelings with others. I now cry at least once a week, if not more, but as strange as it sounds it feels so real to who I am. This year, I realized that I had internalized that my hypersensitivity is too much for other people (something I mainly learned from my family), which led to me suppressing any and all feelings that other people could find too much, which in turn resulted in my dysthymia (persistant sadness). In December, my therapist told me that we will finish our sessions before the New Year. I thought I would be terrified of going at life alone without her help, but I actually mostly felt optimistic that I could do it. During our last session, she said that I don't have dysthymia anymore because my base mood level is not below zero anymore and when she said that, I realized it is true: I feel much more content with my life now than I have felt in such a long time, if not for most of my life.

I am certainly far from being done growing and examining harmful behaviours of mine and trying to unlearn them but I have taken a huge leap forward this year and I am so proud of myself for that. I hope that, in 2025, I won't forget how strong I am and how much I am capable of achieving. I hope that I will keep doing scary stuff even if it's only with half a foot out the door because I'm scared I'm going to trip and fall. I don't need to only have good memories next year, but I need to remember that every experience, ever emotion serves a purpose and none of them are inherently bad. They are just that: Experiences. Emotions. And I am able to deal with whatever life throws at me as long as I don't forget this.

Wishing you all the best for 2025,

xxx Sarah

It's been a long time coming... literally. Although I do not ost on here as much as I used to, I feel like its not a new year if I don't recap the previous one on here. I usually do so a few days before New Year's Eve but then I got a cold, which turned into an ear infection that lasted two weeks so here we are on January 13. But I figure it's still the beginning of January, so it's probably fine.

If you haven't read any of my recap posts before, first of all, hello! Secondly, these used to follow a structure of different categories (e.g. "friends" or "love") but last year I recounted the year in terms of two month intervals and since it worked out well for me, this is how this year's post will look like as well! Enough talking, here we go:

January-February

Some time in December last year, I noticed how lonely I fet in the city I moved to in 2021. I had friends, but no one that really deeply got me and that I was able to see frequently. Once I noticed that, it was very hard to un-notice it, and that was what I grappled very hard with at the beginning of 2023. This also intertwined with thoughts of "maybe I'm only interesting to others if I'm single because then I'm a potential love interest for them but they just think I'm too boring to consider for a friendship" and that really messed with my head. But then some time in January I messaged this girl from my class about a question I had regarding an exam and somehow we... didn't stop texting? And now she's one of my closest friends and we hang out all the time. It kind of does feel as if some higher being heard my struggles or maybe it's jsut fate or whatever. Either way, I'm really happy that personis now a part of my life.

In February, I also took my last exams in my master's degree and started an internship at one of the biggest publisher's here, which was very exciting! And nerve-wracking as well because I have always been particularly insecure about my performance in a work environment. I was also quite overwhelmed at how work functions as a social setting - how do people interact with each other there and how am I supposed to interact with them? It felt, like all new social situations for me, like a long learning curve as to what the socially expected behaviour is. Add to that that I had to finish two papers for uni on the weekends and let's just say I was very stressed about everything. But on the upside, I took a trip with my best friend to see Daniel Howell's show and it was so much fun!

This is the song I listened to the most during this time (this and Irish Exit by Eliza McLamb!):

March-April

These two months honestly flew by because of my internship. However, at the end of March, my therapist - who is honestly the best therapist I have ever had - told me that she is quitting her profession and that we would only have sessions for the remainder of April. This was a lot for me to digest mentally as I have a hard time letting go of people that are important to me. Suffice it to say, our last sessions were filled with a lot of crying from my side rip.

My internship also brought a lot of my insecurities in group settings to the surface. I can only figure it's because of ~stuff that has happened in the past that I automatically assume that if I'm in a group with strangers, they will eventually all turn against me for reasons I cannot control and cannot foresee. It didn't help that while I hung out with the other interns a lot, it was obvious that all of them got along better with each other than with me. I often felt like the "uncool" kid spending time with them that they just invite out of politeness and it sent me into an overthinking spiral of "dear God, why am I so weird and why can I not stop being so weird", which was, er, not healthy.

However, March was very exciting because my best friend got married and I got to be her maid of honour and the wedding photographer! It is still weird that someone I'm friends with is now married. Oh, and a friend of mine and I finally went to a Taylor club night and it was the best night ever! (Alexa play Bejeweled.mp3) We very soon found a group of people who were as diehard fans as we are and I had a lot of fun screaming the lyrics to All Too Well (10 minute version), Paris, Hits Different and more! And it made me very excited for the eras tour, too.

Song I listened to the most during that time:

May-June

In May, my internship came to an end and I finally started working on my master thesis! I really enjoyed doing research on my topic because it had all the things I loved (queerness, feminism, rewritings and more!). The days were getting longer again and with that, my mood improved. It also helped a lot to have a Harry Styles concert that happened in May! Besides, June is one of my favourite months of the year because it means pride is coming up and I had a lot of fun with my newfound friend that I mentioned previously as well. However, at the same time, things between my (now) ex-girlfriend and I started to crumble and... yeah, that was obviously not great. I do not want to go into two much detail about this practically year-long breakup out of respect for her but let's just say the good days and bad days were as always existing right next to each other.

Oh, and in May I started seeing my new therapist! She's very different from my previous one but to be honest, I was just glad to have found someone new that is more or less compatible with me.

The song I listened to the most (and how fitting for pride month!) was this one:

July-August

July and August were months that let me breathe from my negative thoughts and feelings for once. July obviously started with The Great Ticket War of buying eras tour tickets but I managed to get tickets to three shows and I'm already so excited for July this year!

At the same time, I was interviewing for an entry level job at a publisher that had everything I was looking for in a job: It would let me do social media work, create graphics and just generally be really creative, so I was really, really hoping I would get the job. I listened to my "encouraging songs" playlist on loop during that time and stayed off of social media for a bit to boost my confidence and, what can I say, it must've worked because the same week that I bought my eras tour tickets I also got the offer for the job! I was really happy knowing that I would have a job right out of uni.

In August I also handed in my master thesis! I had planned to go on a vacation afterwards but unfortunately the job offer was for a position starting in September, so I had to cancel that. Instead, I handed in my thesis a couple of days early and spend the days in between the thesis and my new job taking trips to the mountains and reading in calm spots in nature. I felt like I finally arrived some place good. And I spend a lot of time with my friends which felt really really good.

On the note of the song I listened to the most, I definitely have to point out this one because it gave me the confidence I needed for my job interview:

September-October

Oh boy. Those two were certainly months that happened to me. Things were actually continuing to look up in September as I started my new job and found a very welcoming work environment with great people and interesting tasks. After work, I would come home feeling very fulfilled and also very calm, something I hadn't experienced before. And I had a very fun theme party for my birthday for which I dressed up as rep era Taylor!

Then October rolled around and I hit one of the deepest rock bottoms I had ever hit. Funny how the good and the bad always exist right next to each other, right? My (now) ex-girlfriend moved out at the end of September and while I was grappling with the fact that our relationship had most likely run its course I also panicked about whether I would be able to stay in our shared apartment and if yes, if I would find a flatmate. Especially in the first two weeks of October, but also after, this send me down to a really unhealthy spiral, including such depressive thoughts and ambivalence about whether I lived or not that I had last felt at 14. It honestly scared me how bad I was doing. I spend my free time trying to distract myself from any and all anxious thoughts I had by mindlessly scrolling on social media and keeping my weekends as packed as possible. It didn't help that my therapist had been out sick since the end of August so I had no one to really talk to about these feelings I was experiencing. Add to that that I started realising I may have feelings for one of my closest friends and you can imagine the kind of anxiety, shame, sadness and guilt I was feeling all at once. Honestly, I think the only way I survived October was by taking it one day at a time and even then, I barely made it through.

One song that represents my feelings at that time is this one:

November-December

At the end of October I finally found a flatmate and that definitely helped alleviate some of the anxiety I was feeling about my living situation. Overall, things in November started to feel a little bit better, although I was still at the bottom of the mountain of grief. Again, I spend a lot of time hanging out with my friends and talking to them, which honestly helped me so much. I truly don't know if I would have survived 2023 without their endless support and patience for my hours-long rants about the same topics over and over again. Work gave me some much needed social skills and a kind of "I don't care if you think I'm weird for my interests and I'm also too tired to give a shit" attitude, which helped me retrieve some energy that I had previously wasted trying to make people like me in a mirrorball-esque way.

At the beginning of December, my (now) ex-girlfriend and I finally split amicably. I think I had started griefing that relationship months before because surprisingly enough, this final split did not make my depressive symptoms worse which is good, right? And anyways, I had 200 things going on in my mind at all times. My new flatmate moved in and thankfully enough we get on really well. 

Remember that friend I was developing feelings for? I decided that I needed to confess these feelings for her. This surprised me because I'm the queen of avoiding uncomfortable situations and before I started dating my ex, I used to rather die than tell anyone that I was into them. But all of a sudden I figured: What's the worst that could happen? I would get rejected? Sure, that would hurt like hell but at least I would know what I'm in for and would not pine after someone who was not interested in me for years again. So, that's what I did. Needless to say, I got rejected and while that made me incredible sad and miserable and all in all felt as if someone stabbed me with a dagger multiple times I still felt a small but glowing sense of pride that I was confident enough to communicate my feelings with another person despite being scared shitless to do so. The good and the bad right next to each other, as I've already said.

New Year's came around and for the first time, as the fireworks were lighting up the sky all around me, I felt like I was really here, on this earth and that for once, my life didn't feel like inevitable doom about to happen but rather rich with possibilities and versions of me I could become in 2024. I still have a long way to go to become healthy again, but what this year has shown me is that I'm still capable of growth. And while my pain often feels like a merry-go-round that just seems to get better only to become worse again, I realised I had gotten it all wrong: My bad days are rather like the tides - some days I feel like my land is entirely barren, like I will be stuck in the drought for ever, the waves, my happiness, will always return again. Even if it seems impossible. Even if my thoughts tell me that it won't. And I'm trying to learn to trust in that, even if it is difficult.

So, going into 2024, I hope I continue to make decisions based on what I want. I ope I continue to put in the work to heal, even if it feels really, really difficult some days. And I hope that I find myself again. I feel like through everything 2024 has thrown at me, I finally started to grow and take a couple of steps closer to the top of the mountain. And even if those are just small steps, they will lead to something good. I have to keep believing in that.

xxx Sarah