Find a life of your own.

It's been a long time coming... literally. Although I do not ost on here as much as I used to, I feel like its not a new year if I don't recap the previous one on here. I usually do so a few days before New Year's Eve but then I got a cold, which turned into an ear infection that lasted two weeks so here we are on January 13. But I figure it's still the beginning of January, so it's probably fine.

If you haven't read any of my recap posts before, first of all, hello! Secondly, these used to follow a structure of different categories (e.g. "friends" or "love") but last year I recounted the year in terms of two month intervals and since it worked out well for me, this is how this year's post will look like as well! Enough talking, here we go:

January-February

Some time in December last year, I noticed how lonely I fet in the city I moved to in 2021. I had friends, but no one that really deeply got me and that I was able to see frequently. Once I noticed that, it was very hard to un-notice it, and that was what I grappled very hard with at the beginning of 2023. This also intertwined with thoughts of "maybe I'm only interesting to others if I'm single because then I'm a potential love interest for them but they just think I'm too boring to consider for a friendship" and that really messed with my head. But then some time in January I messaged this girl from my class about a question I had regarding an exam and somehow we... didn't stop texting? And now she's one of my closest friends and we hang out all the time. It kind of does feel as if some higher being heard my struggles or maybe it's jsut fate or whatever. Either way, I'm really happy that personis now a part of my life.

In February, I also took my last exams in my master's degree and started an internship at one of the biggest publisher's here, which was very exciting! And nerve-wracking as well because I have always been particularly insecure about my performance in a work environment. I was also quite overwhelmed at how work functions as a social setting - how do people interact with each other there and how am I supposed to interact with them? It felt, like all new social situations for me, like a long learning curve as to what the socially expected behaviour is. Add to that that I had to finish two papers for uni on the weekends and let's just say I was very stressed about everything. But on the upside, I took a trip with my best friend to see Daniel Howell's show and it was so much fun!

This is the song I listened to the most during this time (this and Irish Exit by Eliza McLamb!):

March-April

These two months honestly flew by because of my internship. However, at the end of March, my therapist - who is honestly the best therapist I have ever had - told me that she is quitting her profession and that we would only have sessions for the remainder of April. This was a lot for me to digest mentally as I have a hard time letting go of people that are important to me. Suffice it to say, our last sessions were filled with a lot of crying from my side rip.

My internship also brought a lot of my insecurities in group settings to the surface. I can only figure it's because of ~stuff that has happened in the past that I automatically assume that if I'm in a group with strangers, they will eventually all turn against me for reasons I cannot control and cannot foresee. It didn't help that while I hung out with the other interns a lot, it was obvious that all of them got along better with each other than with me. I often felt like the "uncool" kid spending time with them that they just invite out of politeness and it sent me into an overthinking spiral of "dear God, why am I so weird and why can I not stop being so weird", which was, er, not healthy.

However, March was very exciting because my best friend got married and I got to be her maid of honour and the wedding photographer! It is still weird that someone I'm friends with is now married. Oh, and a friend of mine and I finally went to a Taylor club night and it was the best night ever! (Alexa play Bejeweled.mp3) We very soon found a group of people who were as diehard fans as we are and I had a lot of fun screaming the lyrics to All Too Well (10 minute version), Paris, Hits Different and more! And it made me very excited for the eras tour, too.

Song I listened to the most during that time:

May-June

In May, my internship came to an end and I finally started working on my master thesis! I really enjoyed doing research on my topic because it had all the things I loved (queerness, feminism, rewritings and more!). The days were getting longer again and with that, my mood improved. It also helped a lot to have a Harry Styles concert that happened in May! Besides, June is one of my favourite months of the year because it means pride is coming up and I had a lot of fun with my newfound friend that I mentioned previously as well. However, at the same time, things between my (now) ex-girlfriend and I started to crumble and... yeah, that was obviously not great. I do not want to go into two much detail about this practically year-long breakup out of respect for her but let's just say the good days and bad days were as always existing right next to each other.

Oh, and in May I started seeing my new therapist! She's very different from my previous one but to be honest, I was just glad to have found someone new that is more or less compatible with me.

The song I listened to the most (and how fitting for pride month!) was this one:

July-August

July and August were months that let me breathe from my negative thoughts and feelings for once. July obviously started with The Great Ticket War of buying eras tour tickets but I managed to get tickets to three shows and I'm already so excited for July this year!

At the same time, I was interviewing for an entry level job at a publisher that had everything I was looking for in a job: It would let me do social media work, create graphics and just generally be really creative, so I was really, really hoping I would get the job. I listened to my "encouraging songs" playlist on loop during that time and stayed off of social media for a bit to boost my confidence and, what can I say, it must've worked because the same week that I bought my eras tour tickets I also got the offer for the job! I was really happy knowing that I would have a job right out of uni.

In August I also handed in my master thesis! I had planned to go on a vacation afterwards but unfortunately the job offer was for a position starting in September, so I had to cancel that. Instead, I handed in my thesis a couple of days early and spend the days in between the thesis and my new job taking trips to the mountains and reading in calm spots in nature. I felt like I finally arrived some place good. And I spend a lot of time with my friends which felt really really good.

On the note of the song I listened to the most, I definitely have to point out this one because it gave me the confidence I needed for my job interview:

September-October

Oh boy. Those two were certainly months that happened to me. Things were actually continuing to look up in September as I started my new job and found a very welcoming work environment with great people and interesting tasks. After work, I would come home feeling very fulfilled and also very calm, something I hadn't experienced before. And I had a very fun theme party for my birthday for which I dressed up as rep era Taylor!

Then October rolled around and I hit one of the deepest rock bottoms I had ever hit. Funny how the good and the bad always exist right next to each other, right? My (now) ex-girlfriend moved out at the end of September and while I was grappling with the fact that our relationship had most likely run its course I also panicked about whether I would be able to stay in our shared apartment and if yes, if I would find a flatmate. Especially in the first two weeks of October, but also after, this send me down to a really unhealthy spiral, including such depressive thoughts and ambivalence about whether I lived or not that I had last felt at 14. It honestly scared me how bad I was doing. I spend my free time trying to distract myself from any and all anxious thoughts I had by mindlessly scrolling on social media and keeping my weekends as packed as possible. It didn't help that my therapist had been out sick since the end of August so I had no one to really talk to about these feelings I was experiencing. Add to that that I started realising I may have feelings for one of my closest friends and you can imagine the kind of anxiety, shame, sadness and guilt I was feeling all at once. Honestly, I think the only way I survived October was by taking it one day at a time and even then, I barely made it through.

One song that represents my feelings at that time is this one:

November-December

At the end of October I finally found a flatmate and that definitely helped alleviate some of the anxiety I was feeling about my living situation. Overall, things in November started to feel a little bit better, although I was still at the bottom of the mountain of grief. Again, I spend a lot of time hanging out with my friends and talking to them, which honestly helped me so much. I truly don't know if I would have survived 2023 without their endless support and patience for my hours-long rants about the same topics over and over again. Work gave me some much needed social skills and a kind of "I don't care if you think I'm weird for my interests and I'm also too tired to give a shit" attitude, which helped me retrieve some energy that I had previously wasted trying to make people like me in a mirrorball-esque way.

At the beginning of December, my (now) ex-girlfriend and I finally split amicably. I think I had started griefing that relationship months before because surprisingly enough, this final split did not make my depressive symptoms worse which is good, right? And anyways, I had 200 things going on in my mind at all times. My new flatmate moved in and thankfully enough we get on really well. 

Remember that friend I was developing feelings for? I decided that I needed to confess these feelings for her. This surprised me because I'm the queen of avoiding uncomfortable situations and before I started dating my ex, I used to rather die than tell anyone that I was into them. But all of a sudden I figured: What's the worst that could happen? I would get rejected? Sure, that would hurt like hell but at least I would know what I'm in for and would not pine after someone who was not interested in me for years again. So, that's what I did. Needless to say, I got rejected and while that made me incredible sad and miserable and all in all felt as if someone stabbed me with a dagger multiple times I still felt a small but glowing sense of pride that I was confident enough to communicate my feelings with another person despite being scared shitless to do so. The good and the bad right next to each other, as I've already said.

New Year's came around and for the first time, as the fireworks were lighting up the sky all around me, I felt like I was really here, on this earth and that for once, my life didn't feel like inevitable doom about to happen but rather rich with possibilities and versions of me I could become in 2024. I still have a long way to go to become healthy again, but what this year has shown me is that I'm still capable of growth. And while my pain often feels like a merry-go-round that just seems to get better only to become worse again, I realised I had gotten it all wrong: My bad days are rather like the tides - some days I feel like my land is entirely barren, like I will be stuck in the drought for ever, the waves, my happiness, will always return again. Even if it seems impossible. Even if my thoughts tell me that it won't. And I'm trying to learn to trust in that, even if it is difficult.

So, going into 2024, I hope I continue to make decisions based on what I want. I ope I continue to put in the work to heal, even if it feels really, really difficult some days. And I hope that I find myself again. I feel like through everything 2024 has thrown at me, I finally started to grow and take a couple of steps closer to the top of the mountain. And even if those are just small steps, they will lead to something good. I have to keep believing in that.

xxx Sarah