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It isn't the end of a year if I do not post my annual recap post on here! I don't really use this blog outside of it anymore unfortunately but hey! Maybe that will change in 2025. However, I really enjoy making these recap posts so of course I also had to write one for 2024!

2024 was a year of lots of change for me and,luckily, lots of very, very good change. Insanely good change that I didn't think would ever be possible. And as such, I am immensely grateful to all the good and bad things I experienced this year because they got me to where I am now, and I am pretty happy with where I ended up. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

If you haven't read any of my yearly recap posts yet, hello and welcome! I structure these posts in two months intervals because that makes it easier to summarize events for me. Just so you know what you are getting into! But now let's begin with the actual recap post:

January – February

The year already began unusually for me. I fell sick with a cold shortly before Christmas, which then developed into an ear infection that lasted until the middle of January. This was the beginning of what I like to call my "sickness period" because I got struck with some virus at least once a month until May and it was always an illness that completely wiped me out for at least a week. However, I got to help relaunch our website at work and that was a very fun and different project for me in January!

In January I furthermore joined a queer Christian group and sharing my experience with them felt very healing and helped me process a lot of trauma I had experienced post-coming out.

In February I finally got to see Maisie live after being hindered from attending her concert in Berlin next year! The show was so much fun. Shortly before it I had noticed that I finally began to feel much lighter after the heartbeak I went through last year. I can only describe it as feeling as if you finally resurfaced from the waves, as if I could finally breathe again when I didn't even notice I was drowning. Because of that, hearing Maisie sind "There It Goes" was a very healing experience. 

And: Recently my friend reminded me that at the show I told her that "2024 is going to be our year, I'm manifesting it". And oh boy, did I manifest it because what also happened right on the weekend of the Maisie concert is that I went on dates again! After my breakup I had told all of my friends that I would take a dating break of at least three months. February was ony two months since the breakup but of course I became sad on Valentine's Day about my ex and other past entanglements with other people. I just wanted to feel desired again so I decided to already sign up for dating apps after all but only to get to know new cool people, maybe gather some experience, but nothing beyond that.

That plan was all nice and fair and also worked on the first date I went on on the day of my Maisie concert. The girl was very nice and I was very open to meeting her again and seeing where it goes from there. What I, however, didn't plan for was what happened on the date I had with a boy just two days later. We met on bumble and in the span of two or three days our texts developed into long paragraphs of answers about ten different topics at the same time. When he told me he was bisexual I was even more curious to meet him! As you might know, my past and only relationship thus far had been with a woman and within that relationship I had often wondered if I would even want to date a man at all anymore. But then I decided to meet up with the guy I met on bumble and we went for a long walk in nature. Originally we had planned to take pictures (as he and I both like photography) but instead we wandered around for four hours, both getting multiple blisters on our feet but deciding to ignore them because we were so invested in the conversation (exhibit A) of our silliness matching!).

In fact, we were so invested that we decided to meet up again just three days later (although I had told him I wouldn't have the time to meet with work and everything but I seem to have forgotten to be rational around him oops). And, again, we had a very nice date! It was weird because it felt like I had already known him forever, despite having texted with him for only a little more than a week and only having met him once before. I decided to just continue with it as long as it feels good and as soon as it doesn't, I could back out at any point. I finally started to grant myself autonomy when it comes to dating. Where previously everything would depend on the other person and their decisions relating to me, this time it was about me and what I wanted. And I felt as free as I have never felt before in that.

During this time I related to There It Goes by Maisie a lot: 

March – April

Dating him led to a bunch of new and fun experiences in March. I felt like I was finally living again instead of letting life happen to me and trying to deal with what is thrown at me as best as I can. We went on more dates, unable to not see each other at least once, if not twice a week. It felt so easy and safe. As already mentioned in the last paragraph, I finally listened to what I wanted to do and we took it slow. Finally kissing him was a funny experience as I had previously considered myself someone who just "doesn't enjoy kissing as much" but then I kissed him and I finally understood why people enjoy it so much. I felt like I was a teenager again because I was feeling so much for this person and couldn't believe he reciprocrated these feelings.

And then, at the end of March, we got officially together. While I said yes when he asked me, my anxiety about relationships, which I was able to block out quite well before that, when it was just "fun dating", hit me all at once that night. I was terrified of letting someone in again and then them leaving. I felt like actual love wasn't worth a try because it wouldn't work out anyway, not with me at least and I didn't notice how much I felt that until he became my partner. Saying yes was a leap I took while still being terrified I would crash and burn again. But I am so, so grateful that I was brave enough to do so because the relationship that has bloomed from it is beautiful. It taught me to dare to try new things, even if they scare me because yes, they might end badly but they might be the best thing you have ever had and you won't find out if you don't jump.

At the same time, my therapist and I started working properly on what she calls "my standy-by mode" (since it's not full-on dissociation). I had of course noticed that I tend to zone out of situations and emotions I don't want to feel but I hadn't realized how detrimental it was to my mental well-being. My therapist explained to me that it was a survival strategy I had needed in the past but that I do not need anymore. Trying to improve this habit of mine was painful and uncomfortable and resulted in many, many exhausting sessions with her, both on my and her end. But I can now proudly say that I barely dissociate anymore and I am extremely proud of the work I've done this year to achieve that.

Oh and I went to another concert in April! 2024 was the year of concerts and it was so much fun.

I was obsessed with Alley Rose by Conan during this time: 

May – June

The sickness I had in May was a two weeks long tonsillitis. I spent almost all of it at my boyfriend's place who thankfully took care of me. It sucked and I hated it but these two weeks made us grow so much as a couple that I am grateful it happened the way it did.

My department planned a big public event for the end of June during these two months and I was responsible for designing all of the graphics, including coming up with a concept for it. It made me very happy to take on a project of my own where I was able to create something from scratch.

At the end of May, I went on my first trip with my partner and his best friend which was a very spontaneous affair that landed us in Italy! It was so much fun to travel like this and just going to wherever we currently felt like going.

In June, I attended the GUTS tour and it was one of the best concerts I've been to. I've described it to my friends as a concert to release female rage specifically. I felt incredibly connected to the audience and I had so much fun jumping around and dancing and singing along to the songs.

I spent a lot of time listening to Gracie Abrams' new album during this time. Besides Risk (a banger!) one of my favorite songs on the album is I Love You, I'm Sorry: 

July – August

It's been a long time coming... In July, I finally saw Taylor live again after nine long years. I was lucky enough to attend three shows within a week and that was genuinely one of the best weeks of my life. Between the rain show in Hamburg, where everything still felt surreal to the two shows in Munich that were filled with so much fun with me friends I had as much fun as I barely had ever before. I met so many of my mutuals from tumblr and on top of that got some of my all-time favorite Taylor songs as suprise songs! Taylor shows are the most joyous place on earth, truly. It felt so good to dance and sing and scream and cry with everyone.

During the same week, I also finally told my family that I have a boyfriend now. I had dreaded that for the past months, as I knew my mum was still holding out hope for me to turn out straight after all since my ex and I broke up. I knew she would take this as a sign of me being "cured" now, of her prayers "working". I have not spoken to her one on one since (our "private" conversations are where she usually guilt-trips me by making comments with double meanings so when you complain to her about it she says that "wasn't what she meant" - so, you see, it's all very complicated). However, she was uncharacteristically extremely enthusiastic about me now having a boyfriend and wanted to know everything about him and meet him which would be great if I hadn't had the opposite experience with her and my ex. 

This year I also generally took a much closer look at my family bonds and unhealthy patterns within my family. Encouraged by my partner I started to finally feel some of the emotions especially towards my mum I had suppressed for years. And while I was and still am sometimes terrified of feeling my emotions, I have learned that I feel so much better if I just feel them instead of trying to ignore them or prohibit myself from feeling them.

In August, I also had another big project from work and I finally saw Bleachers live! The venue basically didn't have any AC but I still danced my heart out and it was so much fun! My partner came along with my friend and I was very happy to finally be able to share concerts with someone I'm in a relationship with.

I had loved this song already when the album came out, but I listened to it a lot again during these two months:

September – October

September began with my trip to Paris! My family didn't have much money growing up so we rarely ever went on vacation so being able to travel to places still feels like such a luxury to me. I had wanted to go to Paris for years and this year I finally went there with a friend of mine. It was so fun to go to all the places of the Begin Again music video!

Afterwards, my partner and I went on a roadtrip to Switzerland. Again, we experienced so much together and grew so much together. And he showed me some of his favorite spots and the nature there was so beautiful.

After that trip, I celebrated my birthday with a Taylor-themed party with my friends. I had had a party last year, too, but this year I noticed that I was just able to be myself without thinking too much about how I appear. I partly attribute this to my partner and he will probably say he only played a little part in it, but he so easily makes me feel like who I am without any filters and masks is so loveable that I have felt myself being my honest self around others much more. And, funnily enough, that led to me having even closer relationships with my friends, which feels so, so good. I had so much fun that night and felt so appreciated and I look back on this evening very fondly.

In October, I got ready to apply for jobs again. My traineeship would end soon and when I asked her about it in August, my boss told me there wouldn't be a position for me after it. But then, the day after my partner and I took pictures of me for my CV, she called me and offered me a temporary position until November next year, and I took the offer. I was extremely happy I could stay on because I love my colleagues and my tasks. And (spoiler alert!) at the end of November she offered me a permanent job which I ended up taking! It feels very relieving to know that I have a job for now and do not have to worry about my future as much.

My best friend and I also established a weekly phone call tradition in October which I love. Most of our friendship has been long distance and with how busy I was this year but also how much stuff was going on for her, it has been difficult remembering to update the other person regulary. This way, we finally know more about the mundane stuff of the other person's life again and it feels very good to be this involved in her day-to-day life again!

I have to add another Gracie song to these two months because as I have said, I have been obsessed with her album this year and the deluxe tracks hit really close to home, too. This might be my favorite of the deluxe tracks (and I have listened to it an unhealthy amount of times oops):

November – December

November and December were full of fun trips on the weekends. I did another small roadtrip with my partner and we also went and visited one of my best friends. I also finally got to see the musical The Prom which was so much fun! On the first weekend of December I got a second ear piercing on both of my ear lobes which is something I have been wanting to do for years! 

Things got stressful with my family again when I realized I actually do not want to spend Christmas with them. I knew that if I went home, my mum would want to have a private conversation to me and I knew I would just bear all the shitty stuff that would be said to me again and I realized that I don't have to. I don't owe them anything. Of course I knew that rationally before, but it always felt impossible to say no to them or rather especially my mum. With the support of my partner and my therapist I mustered the courage to tell my mum I would not be visiting. That I managed to do that is a huge deal to me because standing up to my family has felt impossible until this year. But because I grew and learned so much this year, I was able to do it. I feel insanely proud of myself for doing so many scary things and for healing because of it.

I have listened to a lot of Chappell Roan these past few months and I especially relate to Pink Pony Club, so I had to include it here:

To sum it up, 2024 was an incredibly good year for me, filled with so many good memories that it feels like they cannot fit into just one year. 2024 was also filled with many tough decisions, moments where I was terrified, moments where I thought I hit the edge of what I was capable of doing. And then I proved myself wrong. I learned how to minimize dissociating and I have gotten so much better at sharing my honest feelings with others. I now cry at least once a week, if not more, but as strange as it sounds it feels so real to who I am. This year, I realized that I had internalized that my hypersensitivity is too much for other people (something I mainly learned from my family), which led to me suppressing any and all feelings that other people could find too much, which in turn resulted in my dysthymia (persistant sadness). In December, my therapist told me that we will finish our sessions before the New Year. I thought I would be terrified of going at life alone without her help, but I actually mostly felt optimistic that I could do it. During our last session, she said that I don't have dysthymia anymore because my base mood level is not below zero anymore and when she said that, I realized it is true: I feel much more content with my life now than I have felt in such a long time, if not for most of my life.

I am certainly far from being done growing and examining harmful behaviours of mine and trying to unlearn them but I have taken a huge leap forward this year and I am so proud of myself for that. I hope that, in 2025, I won't forget how strong I am and how much I am capable of achieving. I hope that I will keep doing scary stuff even if it's only with half a foot out the door because I'm scared I'm going to trip and fall. I don't need to only have good memories next year, but I need to remember that every experience, ever emotion serves a purpose and none of them are inherently bad. They are just that: Experiences. Emotions. And I am able to deal with whatever life throws at me as long as I don't forget this.

Wishing you all the best for 2025,

xxx Sarah