As you may - or may not - I posted these exact words (from the title) late at night yesterday. Why? Because again, I had a moment yesterday when I thought I hit another crossroad.

I already talked about this on here, but there was this boy a few years ago with whom I felt a really strong connection with. But he had to leave and flash forward to today, he has a girlfriend now. Sounds like it was so long ago that it couldn't possibly affect me in any way anymore because, well, it ended long ago. However, every time I meet or talk to a boy, I find myself comparing them to him and thinking, I could never be in a relationship with that person (if! this someone liked me romantically but that's another question lol) because they can't make me feel the way I felt with him. Like everything's possible. Like we were meant to be in each others' lives.

His face seems to creep up to me in the moments when I feel most lonely. I wonder "What could I have done differently? Why did fate tear us apart?" and most of all I think "What if I never find anyone like him ever again?". It's a deep hidden fear within me.

Recently I also discovered that the reason why my OTP (#Lutteo from Soy Luna) is my OTP and quite simply it's because that could've been us. The whole situation and the personalities remind me of us two and as much as I rejoice in that series, I also feel a bit of sadness coming along with it.

Maybe I'm chasing a ghost. Maybe I'm making the whole thing better than it actually was. I really don't know. All I know is that I miss him and I hate the way how destiny let him into my life at the worst time possible. Timing is a terrible, terrible thing.

I also know that he - if he realizes it or not - still thinks of me, too. I see it in the way his eyes search for me at our special place, at our special time. I search for him too as if only seeing each other makes the other person feel at ease again.

Maybe we were never meant to be together.

Yesterday I felt like I finally have to make a decision, that I really have to let him go to make space for someone new in my life. But I don't feel ready, I don't want to let him, let us go. As much as I know that it is not healthy to hold on to someone so tightly, I can't help myself.

Usually letting go happens just with some time. But with him, time just seems to make things worse. I wish I knew how to move on somehow, even if it hurts.

I hope he'll find a life of his own without me and that he thinks of me sometimes as a happy memory, as someone that was a big part of his life, if only just for so little time.

xxx Sarah