Hey there. It's been a while since I've posted on here, maybe because my inspiration level was on a constant low for the past few months or maybe also because I knew subjects to talk about but didn't know how to phrase it.

But anyways, here I am, once again (in my head I just sang this like the Victorious theme song lol), talking about something that I thought about a lot before falling asleep yesterday.

So, as you might know, I love this book called The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and in it, there's this quote which goes like this "We accept the love we think we deserve". And I honestly truly believe this is true, as when you think you don't deserve love, you are more eager to accept the love from someone who does not and will never treat you right. I could honestly write a whole essay about this phenomenon because I've watched it happen to quite a few friends but that's not the topic of today's blog post.

Yesterday, I started thinking about all the people I sort of had a crush on these past few years and tried to tie them together somehow and I realize that at least on the men's side I fell for people who were either completely unattainable or turned out to be complete douchebags but I kept running after them just because they once showed some sort of interest in me. And then I thought of Lara Jean (from To All The Boys I've Loved Before) again and how she kept on falling for people that were totally out of her reach and she later realized she did it to save herself the heartache.

And perhaps I, unconciously, do that, too. I'm already a person who finds it very difficult to open up completely to others. On the internet that's no biggie, since I most likely will never meet the people who read my posts in real life. But, even regarding my closest friends, I keep things at bay from them. Maybe that's because I find it extremely difficult to voice my feelings in any sort of form verbally but also because I'm afraid they will somehow see me in a different way and - maybe even - won't like me anymore. And so this has kind of transferred into my romantic-relationship-attemps, too. I hold unrealistically high standards against every boy or girl I ever meet and if one aspect doesn't match up, I'm already like "I'm outta here" without giving even giving them a second try.

And I think this is probably because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again since in the past my vulnerabilities have been used against me or were laughed at. But is it really wise to let this ghost keep on haunting me? Won't I miss out on real friendships and real understanding from other and also eventually from real love? Isn't it better to get hurt than to ever have a chance at real happiness, ever?

I know I don't really offer any solution here but I just needed to get these thoughts out, write them down, structure them. And perhaps the initiate process of thinking will help me find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah