Find a life of your own.

First off, I'm sorry for the break between the last posts. If you follow my tumblr, you might've seen that I'm pretty stuck up in school work at the moment so I barely have time for anything, I'm sorry (let's just all hope this time will end soon).

When Taylor Alison Swift aka my hero started giving interviews for 1989 about two years ago (btw: I. NEED. TS6.), she talked a lot about how she found happiness in being single and many other people talk about it all the time, that you should find peace with being alone before starting a relationship.

However, what no one talks about, is how hard this actually is.

To be really honest with you , I get kind of sad when I see all my other friends having some boy stuff going on right now. Not necessarily jealous because I mean it's great for them if they find someone they have a great connection to but I just feel more lonely.

After the last thing that happened with this guy, I decided to trust my gut feeling more and just start putting more energy in some crush kind of thing if I feel some connection one way or the other from the start. Just to save me some pain, you know. Nevertheless I keep asking myself like when is my turn? When will I find someone I for example have my first kiss and my first relationship with?

Yes, I know happiness should come from within and I can't really complain about my life either way but it's just not really fulfilling if you know what I mean. Would a relationship complete that space? I don't know, probably not, but I'm just running out of ideas.

Apart from that, I'm in a phase again in which life doesn't really feel quite real and I'm wondering if I'll ever find someone I could have a great relationship with. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I can't with people I can't talk about deeper things with and it does not seem that there's someone like that in my environment, e.g. school.

I also don't really think I ever had a real REAL crush. Yes, it felt like that but I'm always confused if I just like that person because of the possibility of having a relationship. And like I said in one of my posts, I have a huge problem with trying to plan crushes.

And yes, I know that searching for someone won't help me find someone but I just can't help it.

I hope, however, to find a solution someday and maybe find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Yesterday it appeared to me that I talked about people that I feel at home with but I completely left out the few actual places that make me feel all happy and comfortable, so I wanted to talk about that today.

1. My bff's home
Every time I enter this house I breathe in the smell of detergent and dog and I feel so soothed and comfortable. The living room where we spent endless mornings playing Mario Kart on the Wii U. The kitchen where we laughed and discussed our weird dreams every time we had breakfast. Her bedroom where we played Pokemon the night away, discussed important topics, comforted each other when we felt down, where we watched Pitch Perfect over and over again or continued writing our stories, where we drew so often and couldn't stop giggling in the middle of the night.
It's also the afternoon when we packed all our necessities and just rode our bike to the lake and picnicked or the one where we got completely lost in the area around the town. It's the inline skating and walking her dog into the forest, taking pictures along the way, freaking out over seeing a deer there, discovering all the secrets that it holds.
It's the time when we spent nearly every afternoon together in fifth grade and we went downtown each time and bought five doughnuts at the bakers because they were cheaper like that. Or the time when we played Sims or Minecraft in her basement.
It's a place I call home.

2. My hometown in general
We moved away from the town I lived from my birth till I was ten years old a long time ago, but still it feels more like home than the town we're currently living in.
It resembles elementary school and finding new friends and being kind of popular actually. It's the first crushes and love letters, the hiding and pretending you don't actually like this person. It's spending every afternoon with my elementary school bff trying to figure out who screams louder and eating sausages out of the microwave each evening.
It's the summers spent with the holiday program in my town because we never had the money to actually go vacation and finding a ton of new friends there. It's the night I spent at the library because of it and feeling so blissful that the feeling held on for days.
It's the dream of becoming a singer or an actress and feeling like everything's possible and it is the day in fifth grade when I sang in front of my whole class. It's playing hide and seek during the break in fifth grade and finding the best hideout in the world. It's all the laughter and cool people and birthdays.
It's the afternoon when we were playing hide and seek and in addition to that, you had to touch the tree to be "free" and the cooler older girl and us went on an adventure, far far away from that tree and it's winning at the game because of it.
It's a place I call home.

3. Our old house
It's seeing how our house was build and moving into my small room which was soon stuck up with what felt like a hundred books I got from the library and reading the night away. It's the afternoons I spent with my friends arranging a fashion show or a concert for my mother, or the ones I spent running around the huge meadow at the back of our house or building igloos in winter. It's also the ones my brother and I spent chasing butterflies just to build them a new home.
It's the many times my friends and I did a prank buzzing at our neighbor's house but not to piss them off but to lay flowers in front of their door, it's hiding behind bushes and the exciting feeling when they left out some sweets for us.
It's making treasure maps and hiding them for older generations, it's going into the forest in the back of our house and breathing in the fresh air.
It's inline skating with my brother, wherever we wanted to because there were rarely any cars around, the freeing feeling when you drove down a descent and the wind howled around your ears and you feel like Flash.
It's also the times spent wondering but finding new faith to go on no matter what.
It's a place I call home.

4. The home of my exchange student from Saxony
It's the scent of wet dog, the doggie of her being so full of joy that he made me happy, too.
It's walking around her village collecting chestnuts and me getting all scared because the sheep on the meadow started walking towards us and I was so terrified of sheep and then forgetting my chestnuts because I was busy running away.
It's the school days with her, discovering new places and making trips with our group.
It's coming home to a woman that's like my second mum and eating and talking and laughing and jumping on her trampoline.
It's a place I call home.

Which places do you call home?

I look forward to finding new places like this because they make me feel like it is possible to be myself and to eventually find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

I asked you in my last post if you would like to have some sort of fall playlist and you said yes, so here it is!

Before I begin, just a fyi: These are mainly indie/folk songs because for me personally these are the best songs for a season like this. So if you don't like that kind of music, you probably won't like these songs but if you do, you're absolutely in the right place.

1. Drive - Oh Wonder

 Okay, I'm absolutely obsessed with this duo, like all their songs are so great! If you want to, check out their channel to listen to some more songs.

2. First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes


I know this song is a bit older, but it's totally giving me those fall vibes.


3. Found - Cinders


This song makes me so motivated and prepped for any adventure somehow and that's why I love it.


4. Honest - Ira Wolf


Do you know these songs that you just feel like could be a part of a movie? This is one.


5. Awake My Soul - Mumford and Sons


I love the lyrics of this song, especially the line "I struggle to find any truth in your lies", I don't really know why but it hits home for me.


6. Coracao - The National Parks


I also adore this band, all their songs are so great and perfect for this season! If you want to, check out their YouTube channel for more music.


7. Wander - Tim Atlas


Another song that makes me wanna go on adventures so that's pretty cool.


8. Famous - Trading Alaska


This kind of reminds me of the soundtrack of "The Perks Of Being a Wallflower" so naturally I love it.


9. Misty Morning - Wanderwild


This name already shows that it is a perfect song for fall.

10. Walls - Kings Of Leon


I never thought I'd love a song of Kings Of Leons so much but Taylor Swift posted about it so I had to give it a listen and I must say: I AM OBSESSED.

So these are my top 10 fall songs. I know, I could've easily made some sort of Spotify playlist but I'm still living in the ancient times without the existence of Spotify. And please let me know if you'd like more playlists like these!

Until then, let these songs guide you to find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

I felt this way for a long time and yesterday I thought "What if someone out there feels like that, too?", so I just have to post about this.

"This" is the feeling that you just want to hug someone really tight or cuddle. But only a specific person, whose hug makes you feel whole again.

The last few times I had a crush on someone I always thought I needed that person's hug but in the end it didn't fulfill me somehow. It made me happy for a short period of time but this emptiness in my chest stays and I don't know how to make it go away.

And hugging is really so important. Besides the fact that it releases hormones that make us feel good and happy and safe, it makes not only you but also the person you hug happy.

Maybe you have seen these videos going around in which people hold up signs that read "Free hugs" and so, so many people go into it because we, as human beings, just need the contact with others. Not necessarily relationship-wise but in the way of interacting with others.

As a twelve-/thirteen-year-old when the whole hugging-friends-to-greet-them thing started I was bummed. Not that I thought it was weird or something like that but more that I felt kinda uncomfortable with it and I also never know if it is appropriate to hug that person or if we're not close enough friends to do that (just kidding, I still have this problem to this day. I just wish we could invent some kind of universal greeting and saying goodbye gesture, that would be really nice). This then led to a ton of awkward moments as I'm already awkward like that and this not-knowing made me do really strange hand gestures. 

However, now it is something that I long for in some kind of way (if that makes any sense?), that I really enjoy doing. Like, honestly, I'd love to just hug people all day long if that was possible.

Anyways, all I seem to want lately is someone to hug me and to not let go for a few seconds so that I can feel some sort of whole again if that is ever possible. Or maybe I need a special person, I don't know. I just want to fulfill that need in some kind of way.

I hope there is any chance that I'm not alone in this and I also hope that the emptiness won't stop me from finding a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

P.S.: Would you like to see some kind of fall playlist post? I have listened to so many folk/indie music the last week and I just feel the need to share it with everyone because it makes me feel so chill and... Anyway, you know what I mean, just let me know.

You know how people always say "True love hits you when you least expect it"? That's a really true sentence but if you are a really really organized person and someone who likes to plan things out, you might just ignore this or you just ignore it without even realizing it.

That's what hit me yesterday.

With every person I had a slight crush on (until the last guy, I'll come to that later), I chose them beforehand. That sounds pretty weird and probably really is, but I just looked at the guys in my glass for example and I unknowingly decided "OK this guy looks decent and he seems to be nice so LET'S HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM!" (okay not exactly like that but you know what I mean).

Or when I went somewhere where there was a slight chance I could meet a guy, I prepared extra well, put on make-up and told myself you have to be like this and that and then you'll surely find someone nice. This even lead to me spying out guys on the train (if any of these ever read this: Sorry sorry sorry for creeping you out) or constantly feeling the need to look around the room and search for someone.

And I think that might be the reason why all these crushes felt wrong in some kind of way or why I now feel like I never had a crush on any of these guys, not really because I just feel nothing when I meet them somewhere now. Or why those "crushes" were over kind of fast. Or why they just existed of me daydreaming and falling in love with the idea of this person.

But the difference with the boy I met in summer was that I totally didn't expect it that time. On the one hand side because I was coming to terms with being single and actually enjoying being free and independent. On the other hand side because we mainly went festivity thing since my friend was asked by this guy that had a crush on her (but the feelings weren't mutual) so I kind of expected to be third-wheeling the night through.

But all of a sudden there was this person, a friend of the boy that had a crush on my friend, approaching me with this sweet smile asking me where I come from. And later I noticed that he blushed looking at me. And then he made a huge effort to talk to me, a total stranger. He even met up with me the next day just because it was the last day at my friend's.

And somehow along the way of texting with him afterwards, it just hit me how special and rare this felt to me, to find a person I didn't choose but chose me, like how insane is this?! Maybe that is the reason why I can't seem to be able to move on from him and just can't stop thinking of all the nice things he said and done although he left me standing in the rain in the end.

But what this taught me that maybe it was a mistake to try to plan something like love, even unknowingly. You just have to let it approach you and see what happens.

But before that, always be sure to find a way to love yourself and a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

I recently watched a YouTube video about high sensitivity and found out that a lot of these symptoms apply to me. And I always thought I was weird for being like that but actually a fifth of the world population feels this way, while still 30% of all people who have a high sensitivity are actually extroverts. Plus, if you're very sensitive you're easily mistaken for an introvert which is just wrong. So maybe, I thought, I'd share some of the symptoms I collected with you because it is actually high-key likely you are like me and you never thought that this is first of all something that is heritable nor that you're actually not alone in this.

So, let's get started.

1. You're probably a daydreamer.
Just like you might do, I paint a hundred different scenarios in my head that will probably never happen but I just feel like I need to be prepared for the case you know.

2. You're falling in love really, really fast.
That really hit me because I thought that was just an odd habit of me - becoming so attached so easily - but no, they're actually people out there who feel the same way, isn't that amazing?!

3. You're a good listener and you can easily put yourself in other people's shoes.
This is a reason why I'm never really angry at somebody because I can sense what they're currently feeling and see their problems (while many of the people I know just see things as black and white, good and evil).

4. You're very sensitive to loud sounds (especially when you're sleeping) and/or bright light
That's something that doesn't apply to me that much as I'm only sometimes bothered by slight sounds in the distance but yeah, like I said, some symptoms apply to me and some do not.

5. You hate smalltalk and just want to skip to the deeper conversations
I really do.

6. You can easily detect if someone's lying to you and know when to say something about it or when you should not.

7. You don't like being somewhere where everyone's hectic or where many people are.
I get in such a bad mood when I'm stressed out which mostly happens when others are stressed out. But I don't mind crowds especially at concerts for example.

8. You have a very good intuition.

9. When someone else isn't feeling well, you can't be happy either.

10. You can barely watch disturbing images in movies (e.g. horror movies) or basically any negative pictures in the news and if you do, you're feeling really down.
This actually explains a lot to me.

11. You enjoy being alone to regain energy.


12. You avoid chaos and plan things out before you do them.
Guilty, guilty, guilty. Everyone thinks I'm weird because of that but it just helps me to get a grip of everything I have to do.

13. You cry very easily, even while watching movies or reading books.
So I practically never cry when I read or watch something but I do get pretty close to tears as soon as someone criticizes me or raises his voice at me while others are just way more chill about it.

14. You have a hard time making decisions.
I can relate so much to this.

So far for now. If you might have noticed that many of these symptoms apply to you, too, you can just google "high sensitivity" and find some more out about it, if you want to (for this post I mainly used this and this site).

Of course I'm not a psychologist and I'm not a hundred percent sure that I'm really a person with high sensitivity but I just thought it might interest you if you have never heard of it before like I did.

All in all, high sensitivity is not something bad you have to fight against and it will never stop you from finding a life of your own.

xxx Sarah