First off, I'm sorry for the break between the last posts. If you follow my tumblr, you might've seen that I'm pretty stuck up in school work at the moment so I barely have time for anything, I'm sorry (let's just all hope this time will end soon).

When Taylor Alison Swift aka my hero started giving interviews for 1989 about two years ago (btw: I. NEED. TS6.), she talked a lot about how she found happiness in being single and many other people talk about it all the time, that you should find peace with being alone before starting a relationship.

However, what no one talks about, is how hard this actually is.

To be really honest with you , I get kind of sad when I see all my other friends having some boy stuff going on right now. Not necessarily jealous because I mean it's great for them if they find someone they have a great connection to but I just feel more lonely.

After the last thing that happened with this guy, I decided to trust my gut feeling more and just start putting more energy in some crush kind of thing if I feel some connection one way or the other from the start. Just to save me some pain, you know. Nevertheless I keep asking myself like when is my turn? When will I find someone I for example have my first kiss and my first relationship with?

Yes, I know happiness should come from within and I can't really complain about my life either way but it's just not really fulfilling if you know what I mean. Would a relationship complete that space? I don't know, probably not, but I'm just running out of ideas.

Apart from that, I'm in a phase again in which life doesn't really feel quite real and I'm wondering if I'll ever find someone I could have a great relationship with. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I can't with people I can't talk about deeper things with and it does not seem that there's someone like that in my environment, e.g. school.

I also don't really think I ever had a real REAL crush. Yes, it felt like that but I'm always confused if I just like that person because of the possibility of having a relationship. And like I said in one of my posts, I have a huge problem with trying to plan crushes.

And yes, I know that searching for someone won't help me find someone but I just can't help it.

I hope, however, to find a solution someday and maybe find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah