Find a life of your own.

Have you read Harry Potter? If yes, you probably know all about the infamous invisibility cloak. If not, here's a quick resume.

So Harry Potter is celebrating his first Christmas at Hogwarts when he gets a mysterious gifts from an anonymous giver (which later turns out to be Albus Dumbledore, headmaster at Hogwarts). As he opens the gift, he discovers a cloak which he decides to put on. And just like that, he finds out that this cloak has the power to make him invisible which is really useful for his upcoming adventures as he gets to sneak around places without anyone noticing.

Why I'm talking about this? Well, I found that I'm hiding under one, too. Not like Harry for the purpose of secretly finding things out, no, more to protect myself. Or maybe just because that's how I am.

At school, for example, I'm always quiet, at least in class. And while teachers do in fact ask me questions sometimes, it's not like I'm a huge contribution to their lessons or as if it would bother them that much if I weren't there. Yes, yes of course that's a bit harsh and maybe not entirely true, but I often feel like I'm the student that's barely even noticeable, kind of like a ghost whose existence is okay but not something or someone you'd keep in mind, just cause like, as I said, I'm quiet and therefore fading into the background.

I did not even think about this as much up until I was asking myself why I like my French teacher so much, considering that I've never really had like this number one favorite teacher in my life.

And I figure it's because she chooses to go beyond my invisibility cloak, beyond the wall I put up during class because lessons and participating and all of that still frighten me a lot (something like a traumatic experience I guess that led to this - but I already talked about that). What I mean by that is that she doesn't treat me like an easily breakable person. I mean, I am getting emotional very fast, I'm not denying this in any way. However, it's nice to be treated as a normal person rather than a broken soul.

For instance, she makes as many snark/funny remarks about me as she does about any other person in this class and as crazy as that sounds it makes me feel validated because I'm not excluded from her jokes (which are hilarious by the way).

In addition to that, she doesn't/didn't pressure me into participating in class. Yes, she told me it would help but she never pulled the "if you don't raise your hand your grade will drop drastically"-card, something that every other teacher shoved into my face. And that actually worked. I finally started participating in a subject so that at the end of my first semester she told me that I start to kind of unfreeze and that she thinks I'm able to participate even more. And it made me happy.

Of course there are other reasons why I feel so comfortable in her class, like her sense of humor (which often helped me smile again even if the day was terrible so far) or the fact that she respects every student and tries to understand all of us and she really does a great job at this.

What I want to say with all of this is that it is nice to have places I can put down my invisibility cloak, even if it's not that often at the moment. But I certainly feel like I can push forward from here and someday dump it totally. And then maybe find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Vulnerability.

What do you think of when you read this word?

Weakness? Embarrassment? Wrong?

If yes, don't worry, you're not alone with this. In fact, our society is build up of many, many people (I'm not saying everyone's like that) who think that vulnerability is a flaw that they have to erase out of themselves. That showing emotions is bad. And not only do many prohibit themselves from doing so, no, they also look down on and laugh at people who cry often or don't have that "everything is fine, all the time" smile on their face.

Don't show your hurt. Pretend you don't care. Fake it until you make it. Those are sayings that are so known in our society that we never even question them anymore.

Let me give you a few examples of how this is noticeable.

So, there are a few girls in my grade who are really sensitive. Being like that, they cry a lot, I would even say at least once a week. And people judge them for it. They say "They're crying over nothing" or "They should get over themselves". And although them being emotional over some things might seem to be ridiculous to some of us, that does not mean it's our right to look down on them for it. We don't know what's going on in their lives.

Another example. Last year, one of the students at our school tragically died in an accident during our fall break. When school started again, the first day was a bit different but we still had lessons. Our maths teacher knew the student really well and he was terribly sad over the loss of him. And he started crying. I myself just felt really sorry for him but I was astonished when I talked to a "friend" of mine later who judged him for showing tears, saying that "Men should not cry". Why though? Why should men have to bottle their emotions up, destroying themselves in the process? Why are we so keen on demolishing female stereotypes while at the same time clinging to male stereotypes?

Lastly, in our last French lesson, I immediately noticed that our French teacher was kind of... sad, I think that would describe it best. When I walked home with my friend (who I really like actually but) she told me that she also saw our teacher downtown on Wednesday and that she was sitting in a cafe and crying and said "She also seems to be crying easily and a lot". She didn't even say it in a accusing tone but it immediately came across to me like that. Maybe because since I was little, I was shown by the media that women, nor men should show their tears, at least if they want to seem mature.

Crap, I say.

What's the point of "faking it until you make it"? The only thing that will happen is that you destroy yourself. Because at some time, your emotions will have to blow up and then you aren't capable of handling them anymore because they piled up to a huge mountain of pain.
Taylor Swift once said: "[talking about the song Clean] And it kind of talks about how if you really allow yourself to feel pain, I think maybe it’s easier to get past it. For most people that I’ve known who’ve fought through struggle, a lot them who have really just faced the pain head on have come out OK a lot faster than the ones who just pretended to be in denial of it."

I wish we would take that advice to heart. And I wish we would stop judging people for showing emotions, for being vulnerable. Because in the end, vulnerability is what makes us human the most. And we should not be ashamed to display our feelings.

Maybe vulnerability just helps you to grown and to eventually find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

So this is it. The great two years mark. Wow. If anyone would've ever told me in 2014 I would be able to be content with my life for so long, I would've called them crazy. Me? The overthinker and overworrier? Content for two years? Not falling back into the black hole again? No way.

Yet here I am. Two Years. Writing those words down already feels weird.

One year ago, on this day, I talked about how it all came together. You can find the post here. You can also read up my story here.

Today, however, I wanted to focus on the aspects that have changed in my life. I think it's good to sometimes stop to think about how far you've come and what you achieved. For the sake of this, I started writing things down about a week ago that occurred to me, so that I wouldn't forget anything.

"When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe."

I'm not denying that up to today, I'm still shy, especially when it comes to situations in class (I'll talk about that later). But one thing that has drastically changed is the number of people I have the pleasure of calling my friends.
Often, when I'm walking home with someone or just making jokes in class or someone says or does something that shows that they genuinely care about me, I suddenly start thinking "Wow I'm so grateful for experiencing this.".
This actually happened just today, when I was about to do my presentation in French. You have to know that I am terrified right before talking in front of the class and my whole body is shaking etc. But what happened, and for me it's something I genuinely appreciate, is that people that have become my friends over the past few months, started cheering me on. They were like "Sarah you can do this!" or "Don't be nervous, you'll be great!". And although that didn't stop my hand from shaking, it soothed my soul. These people are supporting me, no matter if I'm not perfect. And that is one of the greatest things I ever got to experience in my life.
And as I said, I get along really well with a lot of people of my grade. Some even invited me to a party! This is truly insane. I'm not at the same level of people I call friends as I was before we moved here. And that is not to say that I'm counting numbers and measuring my self worth by it, but that it shows how far I've come. But I don't want it to be like before. This time I'll be more empathetic and kind and loving. Everyone deserves kindness.

"When the butterflies turned to dust, that covered my whole room."

One thing I just recently noticed is that I care so little about other people's (negative) opinion about me anymore. Once, Taylor said during one of her clean speeches that "you're not the opinion of someone who doesn't know about you or cares about you." and I've really taken this advice to heart. Don't get me wrong, I still notice when people clearly don't like me, but it doesn't clatter up my day or my entire week if they don't. I'm still overthinking a lot but this fear of being rejected by people I barely know has diminished so much that I don't even think about it anymore.

"Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it."

I still have some bad days. They usually happen during my PMS but I don't want to blame all of it on my body because I know that the reasons why I am sad are still valid. My internet best friend (who also reads this blog - hi!) once told me that during bullying, there are certain connections that are formed in our brain and that's why I - and she, too - are sometimes having those down days.
But I'm able to handle it. I either write a blog post or talk about it on tumblr and you guys always cheer me up when I'm down. Another thing I am incredible thankful for,

"I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."

I'm still a bit fed up with what people expect of me. Because I come across as shy as you first get to know me, I sometimes lock myself into that role and act like it because I feel like this is what people WANT to see me be like in some sort of weird way. But I'm getting there, slowly, but I do.
I started participating in French and in English, while I could barely raise my hand not that long ago. And even if no one else besides me sees my process because the steps are so little, I won't stop. And if I'm doubting that, you are one of the first ones to remember me of my worth. Thank you.

"Now that I'm clean, I'll never gonna risk it. I think I am finally clean."

I am fascinated with the line "It was the night things changed; can you see it now?" during Change (hence my tumblr blog title). Because even though two years ago I barely noticed anything had changed, I do now. And I'm incredibly thankful for this journey.

I won't quit. I want to make Taylor and most importantly myself proud.

This is a reminder for each and everyone of you. You are loved and important. You can get through this dark time of your life. The strength has always been within you, even if you can barely recognize the light that's a part of your every fiber being.

Keep going. And trust your heart.

And most importantly, thank you. For liking my posts when I was sad, for sending me messages - anon or not - or for saying that you are proud of me. You are as much of a part of this journey as I am.

And Taylor - never ever stop being you. You are an inspiration for so many people. I will never not love you, I pinky promise.

Finding a life of my own,

xxx Sarah

I just got home from my gymnastics class. Today, we had to try out doing a front handspring and we were supposed to try that out on the ground first. So our teacher asks "Who wants to start?" and as always, none of us made a move. So she was like "Oh Sarah! Do you want to try it out?". I did in the end but just because I felt like I had to do it. Then we went on to practice it on the trampoline (while our lesson was already almost over) and again, she asked me to do it. And I don't know, it just kinda caught me off guard as I don't see myself as a really good gymnast actually and half of the lessons I catch myself being like "Oh, I don't think I'm able to do this." or "You are way better at this than I am!".

Another thing that I've noticed lately is that this boy I know may or may not have a crush on me. I'm not saying that he actually does because I'm usually terrible at reading the signs but just the possibility immediately made me think "Oh, he deserves better than me, like this terrible awkward me, that me that seems to always mix things up or does things wrong." instead of going like "Well, I'll just tell him that I don't have any feelings for him if he ever asks me.", something a usual human being would do.

So all of it got me thinking if I still don't see myself as worthy of love or worthy at being one of the best at something.

Don't get me wrong, of course I know that I, like every human on this planet, is worthy of love and joy and happiness. I know this fact. But it's a whole other thing to let it settle in your bones, to feel it with every ounce of your being.

Maybe it all relates back to the time I was bullied. I think that constantly getting the feeling that you're worthless or just experiencing that you're worth nothing more than snickering or whispers changes you forever. You just accepted it as the truth, and getting out of it seems nearly impossible, even when you're feeling better again, when you're finally clean.

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of falling back into that black hole of self-loathing and hate while the brighter side just seems to be hidden. And it's not necessarily because I had a bad day, it actually appears to me more when I'm having a pretty normal day. It's as if the darkness lures beneath my very skin.

And when I get confronted with expectations - which happens a lot because I'm a quite good student - I just feel helpless or like I don't deserve the recognition I'm getting.

For instance, in our last politics exam, I had the best mark of our whole grade. As rewarding as it first feels, it got me panicking shortly after when I realized that our teacher now expects me to do just as well in our next exam (which is in one week). To illustrate that, my thoughts practically look like this "Why does my teacher even like me? I'm not deserving of that. I'm not good at politics, I'm just studying well and then I've got a bit of luck and stuff like in the first exam happen. But I know this luck won't last." (amplified by the feeling that I'm actually dumb).

It sounds wrong, I know. Well, I certainly know that feeling this way is wrong. But that doesn't mean that I'm just able to get better right away. You can't just delete the awareness that you're worthless.

But maybe you can try, step by step. And maybe I'll have climbed this mountain one day. And I'll realize that along the way, I found a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Yesterday I hung out with some people I don't really know that well but it was sort of a group thing I guess. So as always, there were those that are just a bit more than complete strangers to me so naturally I kept quiet for most of the evening as I just don't immediately feel comfortable around new people.

Anyways, they were talking about rumors concerning who's flirting with who in the group and a bunch of them was getting ready to go off to that party I'm pretty sure at least half of my grade also went to. And as per usual, it got me thinking.

A) Maybe I'm not ready for love yet. I already mentioned this quite a few times, not necessarily on here but more on my tumblr. I don't know, like the way people my age handle relationships is just not how I would deal with it and maybe that's a bit of my own fault. Like what if I just have way too high expectations when it comes to love?

B) Comparing myself to others (I know, I know, you shouldn't ever do this but it's hard to stop yourself right), I am in fact a pretty boring person. I like being at home, I get nearly all my school work done and I'm a pretty ambitious student, I like reading and listening to music on my own. I don't like partying, I mean I still want to try it out some time but I feel like it won't be something that'll fulfill my life like it does to most of my peers (actually last time I wanted to go, I had a pretty sort of panic attack that ended up resulting in a post on here but well... it just happens). I also spend a lot of time thinking about stuff so you'd think I would get along well with people who are into philosophy for example but I just can't voice my thoughts at all, all I'm able to do is write them down as you see on here. Moreover, I enjoy doing child-like things like singing and dancing and watching cheesy movies and crying a bit (or even better: watching Disney movies and crying a lot).

So anyways, I felt a bit... let's say weird yesterday and before I went to bed, I made the decision to post something on here with the title "what it's like being boring".

Wait, you might say. But this isn't the actual title.

You're right. I changed it up a bit.

The reason for that is that I'm currently catching up on the YouTube videos I missed, and I saw that Savannah Brown (I talked about her before on here) uploaded a new poem so naturally, I got really excited and clicked on it right away. The title was "couldn't care more" and as I was listening to it, I realized more and more that she's talking exactly about the issue I had just the day before.

How I felt like a weirdo and what others might call a boring person. And the words started shifting something inside me somehow. It's hard to describe, you just have to listen to it.

But I wanted to close this post with some of the last lines of her poem.

"the cool kids love ferociously
stay up late because they want it just right
they are hungry for more and will not be silenced
the cool kids care about people. about poetry. about science. about art
they’re not embarrassed of the moments that make their nerves burn
the cool kids are not ashamed that they are different; they shout it"

A few weeks ago, I was in the cafeteria of our school during lunch break. I've just gone to the bathroom and when I came back, a friend of mine sat on my chair. Being as annoying as I sometimes am, I told her to move and another friend was like "Sarah, you're always worrying to much about nothing!"