Find a life of your own.

A couple of days ago, I finished reading "Being Miss Nobody" by Tamsin Winter which is basically about an eleven-year-old girl who suffers from Selected Muteness, meaning in most situations she just cannot speak. Because of her illness, she faces a lot of difficulties especially at school and you kind of follow her journey through all of it. When I finished the book, one quote really stuck with me: "There's a time for being quiet, and there's a time for speaking up.". And I thought about it a lot, how I'm often afraid to voice my opinion and I thought "But why though? It's not as if I'm afraid people will judge me for who I am, at least mostly not anymore."

Then a situation of last week came into my mind. In our German lesson, we had to work in groups and the ones who are already quite good at essay writing (to which I somehow belong too) should team up with people who got more difficulties. So I got together with some friends of mine and we worked on interpreting a scene of a drama when one of them said "Sarah, I wish we could swap brains, I would never find that interpretation in the text!". And in my head I immediately went like "ohh you don't wanna live in my brain, it's a terrible, terrible place" but instead I wanted to express that I totally would in order to help her if I could but when I opened my mouth it sounded completely wrong, as if I'm arrogant and thinking I'm smarter than everyone anyways (which wasn't what I meant to say at all!). After that, I thought "wow, why do I even speak to others, it would be best to just Keep Quiet forever.

You see, the problem is always this (enjoy my crappy paintings I did on my laptop):



The thing is, when I'm thinking about what to say, I immediately connect it with feelings at the same time. Like I'll get a grasp of a thought and right away I'm like "okay this is supposed to express my sympathy (for example)" and then when the sounds come out of my mouth, I either stumble over words or misplace the order in such a way that my intended meaning is lost. Yes, always thinking in English and having to translate everything to German is also contributing to this problem, but I think it's rather a personality-wise problem.

How can I let people know what I actually mean? I don't know. Maybe by trying to show them through actions who I am. "Actions speak louder than words", most people say. But will they still be around to see my actions if they are already deterred by my words?

If I ever find an answer to that question, I will let you know. Until then, I hope you'll still be able to find a life of your own somehow.

xxx Sarah

As you might now, I was having some hard days scattered through the past few weeks. And as I mentioned in my last post on here, I kinda got into thinking about pain and wounds (also like I'm constantly trying to solve the mystery that is oneself and why I react to certain things the way I react).

And I was also thinking about how people like to judge other problems. If you ever told someone about your bad day you might've heard "Oh but others have it worse!" or "Chin up, there are worse things than that." and it just frustrates you since you feel like your problem is really important to you and it takes so much space up in your life but there they are, dismissing your sadness by comparing it to other people's. And I think whenever we do this, we do an injustice to others. As Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower put it:

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”

So only yesterday my best friend was at my house and we played some cards and suddenly got into talking about pain (due to a personal issue of my best friend) and the fact that she's currently avoiding the pain and putting it in a really far away corner of her brain with the result that she nearly forgot telling me about it. I said that I tend to do that a lot with everything I face, pain and problems likewise, but that it always turns out that my feelings will hit me even harder if I don't face them head on, so I'm currently trying to change that.

And it got me into thinking about pain and healing and what the best way to deal with it is.

As I said avoiding it is a bad option; it just makes sure that you carry it with you for much longer, that it tucks on your sleeve daily, just like a ghost. And then it haunts you and haunts you for years to come and while time passes, it's even harder to let go of it (at least in my experience).

I think part of why we don't want to deal with wounds head-on is because of course we're afraid of the pain but I also think that it brings a sense of vulnerability with it as you still have to go outside and do stuff and others will probably notice and then think you're weak or overly sensitive.

Nevertheless, as much as we are afraid of opening up to others and letting them see our hurt and our weakness, I think it  is important to talk about it. Yes, this may sound cliche and it also bringsa lot of fears and risks with it but here's what I've found: Part of the reason why I'm clean today (besides Taylor) is that I opened up about my genuine feelings about this whole situation in 2014 to a friend. I let her in on this not so nice side about myself that would surely repel a whole lot of other people but it helped. It made the hurt feel less significant, as if it was bearable and also it was a huge relief to be able to just message someone whenever I had a bad day and they would understand me, they would understand a bit how my mind works and maybe help me find ways to calm it down again.

Apart from that, and maybe most importantly, healing takes time. Don't beat yourself up 'cause you had a few bad days when you just decided it would get better.

Think of it like a really wound. Imagine you have cut your finger badly and it is bleeding. You're putting a band-aid on it to let it heal but maybe from time to time the injury breaks up and there's blood all over your hand and it looks really ugly but you know you can still continue mending it with another band-aid. And just as time passes, the cut will heal, eventually. But you have to be patient with it.

It's the same with pain. You may have some days or weeks when everything is feeling terrible again but you're moving and I will promise you, you will heal. It's an unavoidable consequence.

And maybe at the end of it all, you'll find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

I've got a problem. A problem with boys. It's not what you'd think though. It's not about me constantly meeting douchebags (though still... why @ life? A bit of an alternation would be nice for once), no it's a generally problem about my perception of guys.

So, you see, after everything that went down yesterday (you probably read it on my tumblr), I started thinking - and trust me, it's not as if I think this whole situation is my fault, it was rather a general reflection of every situation I've ever met with boys - that I somehow got trust issues opening up to any male person, to be honest.

Why?, I thought. I mean technically the only difference is the gender and maybe a bit the upbringing and the standards that are put upon them by society but still, why do I feel like every male person on this whole planet will eventually betray me and leave me in pieces?

I started reflecting upon my past. And then it hit me (and trust me, I am as sick as you are of always coming back to that point): It's because of everything that went down in 2014. See, the girls of my then-class were also included in the whole drama of it and quite frankly also played a major part in it, but it was rather a silent one which included whispering and rumors. In addition to that, I still had very good female friends so why should I question my own whole gender because of it?

But then there were those two boys in my class. Oh, how I hated them (and still do, though thankfully one of them has left our school like two years ago). Maybe it's in the nature of boys to just generally tend to voice their dislike of a person more loudly than girls do, but that's just what they did. They were the main reason for my self-loathing and my sadness because they did not shy away from making low-key nasty remarks about me in class that no teacher would ever understand nor recognize.

And maybe that's why today, every time I meet a new guy, I'm like "Don't tell him too much about you. He's gonna betray you, he'll end up destroying your life and making fun of you. He'll leave you heartbroken anyways." (upon that note, I also thought about the whole "you get what you give" phenomenon like maybe it is a little bit my fault that I'm always meeting fuckboys, I don't know). See, I don't even give most boys the CHANCE to get to know me properly because I'm so afraid of disappointment.

I think deep down I always realized that. But I have no idea how to change my behavior, to be honest as I have yet to meet a guy who is genuinely and sincerely interested in me. It's as if if I haven't got proof someone like that exists, I won't believe it. Dangerous, I know, but as I said, still hard to change so fast.

I hope someday I'll come across someone who accompanies me on my way to finding a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

If you know me, you'd know that I'm trying really hard to positive and optimistic as often as possible. I want to be so full of light that others feel happy, too. That's my aspiration.

But it does not always work out.

Today is such a day. Yesterday I was so happy, we finally got our huge project done which included a lot of stress and worrying and sleepless nights for me at least and I just felt happy because I dared to talk to teachers normally and be like overall more me than before. Yes, I also got some criticism for being such a control freak but I was okay with that as it's just a part of my persona, this wanting to do everything as perfect as possible.

I went home. And then I went to sleep. And then my mind started racing.

"Oh my god", it said, "Why did you ever even open your mouth today? You're so embarrassing. Everyone probably thinks you're annoying and does not want to hang out with you anymore."

Of course I know that these insecurities are probably only in my head. My mind sure does know that. But my thoughts still started spiraling. I tried to make them stop by falling asleep and it felt like I escaped them for a few hours, I was doing remotely fine at school but then I noticed that one of my teachers was in a bad mood and as I'm so hyper-sensitive it immediately projected onto my own mood, up to the point when I felt like crying or as if I had to do something, make something, touch something, anything literally, just to easy this feeling that was spreading deep in my bones.

The thing is, no one ever notices when I'm not feeling well. Maybe it's my fault, because I'm always just smiling and laughing even when I'm actually not feeling well. Don't ask me why; it just simply happens. And so it went unnoticed and now I'm at home and I can literally sense the bad days coming and I just wish someone would tell me how to stop this thought spiral, how to escape those inevitably dark days. I don't WANT to live through them. I am so sick of them.

And now I'm writing this out into the off. It helps; it eases the pain and the numbness a little bit. I just wish I could talk to someone in real life about it or that someone would care enough to want to actually know (I already talked about how I for whatever reason always expect people to notice). But I also know the burden that comes with it, how it makes or could make others feel to hear about my pain and problems and I don't want to be a cause for their unhappiness either.

So now I'm trapped. There are a hundred thoughts in my head right now. I wish I could let them free, open the gates of the cage and they would just fly out of my being and disappear into the nothingness.

They never do though.

I just wish someone would do anything. I have no idea what.

Maybe having problems with finding a life of your own is ok.

xxx Sarah

A while ago I read this book called "All the bright places" by Jennifer Niven (one of my favorite authors by the way - if you don't know her, definitely check her books out!). Overall I absolutely adored the book but one particular thing sticks in my mind up until this day, nearly one and a half years later. Finch, one of the protagonists of the novel, has a bipolar disorder yet her refuses to go to a therapist to get it checked and have his mental illness be official. Why? He is afraid of treated differently by others. By that, he means that people will avoid him because he has a mental illness or they will think of him as insane because of his particular disorder.

And that really resonated within me.

You see, there are all sorts of stereotypes in our society. It's even more plainly visible if you take a look at a school, a grade, or even more specifically a class. There are the cool ones, the popular ones, the quiet ones, the weird ones and so on.

I myself would probably be one of the quiet ones; I do not participate that much in class and I enjoy spending my time at home rather than going out (well, actually, this also has to do with me being an introvert but that's another discussion).

As you see, it's pretty easy to decide to break down a person into one fraction and say that is their whole being. But it's dangerous I think. (the following example in this case is me, just because I know myself best and rather shy away from judging others too much)

I personally am of course quiet and more what you'd call shy in class due to past experiences that I already explained many times on here. I do not deny that this is a part of who I am as a person. However, oftentimes people take that small tiny fraction of my life and project it onto my whole persona. And sometimes it truly frustrates me as I think this treatment is very unfair. Sometimes I feel like everyone purposefully ignores the fact that I am very open-minded to new people and most of the time approach strangers more easily than you think. I'm also someone who makes friends pretty fast and I do talk a TON. Just not in this particular situation most people meet me in.

Yes, of course I cannot expect of e.g. teachers to know more about me than my behavior in class. Nevertheless, what I am able to expect is people appreciating that this is not my whole being, that there is more to me than what's on the surface.

I can apply that to other people, too. The popular ones aren't always just cool and easy-going, sometimes they, too, have deep thoughts and are actually very smart, the weird ones might be showing themselves off this way to only attract the right people, to easily see who truly matters. It's just not something visible at the first glance. But sadly most people fail to look closer and let their prejudices stop themselves from truly great experiences and different insights.

What I want to say with this I guess is that my wish for the future is that everyone tries being a little more empathetic. Showing others that yes, there might be stereotypes but I won't generalize you to that. (maybe this would also add to diminishing the stigma around mental illnesses for example, as people would maybe be more open and honest with their own if they knew others would not judge them for it).

Be a little more empathetic. That's all the world needs sometimes. Help others find a life of their own.

xxx Sarah