Find a life of your own.

Well, hello there. Long time, no see, right? I'm sorry for the lack of posts on this blog in the past three months. It's not that I don't have any thoughts to write down (though well... sometimes I really don't), but more that amidst all this school and finals mess I'm currently in, I barely find any time to do what I like, e.g. posting on here.

Anyway, I just wanted to study for Maths but of course instead of doing so, I started procrastinating and then I started thinking about my past again, as like, always.

As you might know, I have been bullied in 2014 for something I did not actually do, but a friend of mine did and I wanted to protect her. Well, I looked back at that day when people finally found out that I was being bullied for no reason whatsoever as I did nothing wrong.

And what has really struck me, is that instead of telling the bullies "What you did was wrong and despicable", our entire grade simply turned on my friend instead of me. And to be honest, if you observe the treatment she still receives in our grade, that still has not change.

When it first happened I was so MAD because here I was, a person destroyed by relentless bullying and you can SEE how much it has impacted me and instead of owning up to their mistakes, their wrong behavior, they think the next step is to find a new victim and that's just wrong on so many levels.

But I guess that's just a part of being a part of the mob mentality. It is far easier to turn onto one single person, than on an entire group of people, right? Maybe through doing so, we can deny that we ever did anything wrong (that's how I imagine their thought process). And even the people who just quietly let it happen cannot escape, because: What if their old friends will turn on them, too?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly a person who separates themselves from the "mainstream" on purpose. But this is just a common sense issue. If your mob mentality is physically and mentally HURTING people, then it's just logical to question its limits, you know what I mean?

I don't know, maybe this will change one day, maybe it won't, but I sure hope it does. Give everyone a chance to live a life of their own, please.

xxx Sarah

About a year ago, I made this post, "2016 and New Year's Resolutions". I recalled it again as 2017 is slowly coming to an end.

My resolution was to find a way to be happy without having some sort of love interest. And that I'm able to overcome my fears and start being brave. Have I achieved my goal? I'll tell you at the end of this post, but first off I think it'd be good to have a quick recap of this year.

1. Family
Not much has changed compared to last year. My brother is still in therapy, and now, towards the end of this year, my grandpa is doing worse again. He's just constantly in pain and I understand his wish to let go of his life as he has lived a really long and beautiful life indeed.

I'm sometimes struggling with my family. I feel like everyone places their expectations on me and that just adds up to my internalized fear of never being good enough. I'll also never be okay with the fact that my parents are still kinda homophobic. Well, we haven't particularly talked about this topic since I was like five but I know they were outraged when our parliament voted for marriage equality here in Germany.

Oh, on the brighter side though, my half brother married and the marriage was beautiful (he even cried a bit which I've never seen happening before). I guess I officially got two sisters now.

2. Friends
At the end of 2016 I talked about how I was starting to find a really good group of friends and how I was hoping the friendship would last.

It did.

I got so close with so many people this year. They went to our theatre performance for me. They defend me. They care for my feelings. They don't treat me any different just because of my past.

I got drunk for the first (and probably for now the last) time ever. They were on my side. They supported me, even people that I personally barely talk to.

One of my friends keeps up with Taylor Swift news for me. She watches the music videos as soon as they came out and whenever she saw me posting about a new song being released off of reputation, she immediately listened to it. She was also the one who came up with the idea to choose LWYMMD as the song for our choreography in our PE class. She's pretty upfront and honest but at least you know that if she likes you, she really DOES like you.

Another great group of people are the people in my theatre group. We experienced so much together this year, all these weekends spent together rehearsing and not to forget our three performances, which probably are the reason why I bonded with quite a few of them. It's literally never boring when I'm with them and we had so much fun last school year, that I'm a part of our theatre group again, despite it being my senior year at high school.

I attended my first party this year. It was insane to me that people actually wanted ME to come, like that they genuinely liked me enough to invite me. And although I had my doubts about actually going, it was so much fun and I realized sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone pays off.

There were many more small moments like this that made me feel so loved. A peer driving me home after every single tennis training. A friend telling me she thinks I'm really caring about others. Hugs that lasted for what felt like a life time and that led us dancing around the room in pirouettes. Someone telling me I deserve to rest. Spending two hours eating ice cream and talking with my theatre group during summer break. Spending my birthday eating ice cream again and just talking for three hours straight.

I know I got worse again towards the end of the year. I know I neglected some friends for which I'm really sorry for. But I'm here again. I feel alive again. And I will try to fix what still can be fixed.

To end this point, I've met Julia in October. First off, her hugs are amazing but in addition to that we had so much fun trash-talking boys, discussing Taylor and the music industry with people in line for the Madeline Juno concert. And of course singing and dancing until our feet hurt. Julia, if you're reading this, I cannot wait to meet you again next year. I love you.

3. Love
Towards the beginning of the year, I tried to stay true to my resolution to try to stop looking for someone new to fall in love with. And to learn how to talk with boys normally. The second aspect eventually worked out but of course although I wasn't crushing on anyone really, I kept feeling like I was missing out by not being in a relationship with someone, especially since my closest friends all have a boyfriend.

In summer, at my summer job, I met this guy. He was tall and good looking and on top of that seemed really kind. And as unbelievable as it was to me, he actually enjoyed talking to me and getting to know me. I started feeling as if this was my chance. Maybe this time it would work out. It didn't though. And as much heartbreak I felt because of it, it truly brought me close to my goal than ever. Amidst this mess I realized, "Hey, I don't need a boyfriend. I've got amazing friends and I enjoy focusing on them and my education. I don't need him to fulfill me". A quiet realization inside of me. And though I continued to feel bad for quite a while and I couldn't truly escape the hole until two weeks ago, I feel like it's powerful. And I'm proud of myself.

4. General state of mind
About this time last year, I started raising my hand in my French and English class. And especially in French I'd say my participation has increased even more. Partly because of my French teacher (get you a teacher who supports your being as a Taylor Swift fangirl), partly because of myself I guess. I find the atmosphere of lessons to be less... devastating I guess. At one point during a lesson she even said "Not only Sarah should know the answers, you should, too!" and it made me feel so happy because it has been YEARS since a teacher actually complained about me raising my hand too many times compared to the others.

The past few months, however, the rate of my participation has diminished a bit again. Not because I was feeling afraid again but rather because I was so caught up in my sadness added on top of my stress because of exam time and senior year that I just didn't feel like talking in class was something I could do. And it wasn't on my mind, either, honestly.

I have this bad habit of piling my problems upon on myself as it's really hard for me to share my struggles with others. I guess this has to do with my past, too but anyways, I often feel like my feelings are a burden and keep them to myself which isn't healthy, at all. I'm trying to work on it though. I talked to Julia not that long ago and that already made me feel so much better.

Where am I heading? I truly don't know. There's this girl in my theatre group I really like but I don't know where that will lead to. 2018 is also the year I'll be graduating from high school and though I'm not as scared of it as I was at the beginning of this year, I still don't know - for the most part at least - what I'll be doing this time next year. Who will I be? Will I manage to stay in touch with at least some of my friends from school? Will I finally have a small plan?

All I know is that I did indeed achieve my resolutions. And I don't know, for next year, as I know how hard it will be anyways, I just hope I'll end up being happy with myself and my choices. No matter where they'll take me.

Continuing on the wild journey of finding a life of my own,

xxx Sarah

I was at my theatre rehearsal Friday afternoon and we did this sort of game but then again not. Now, I don't wanna dive head-deep into theatre theories and all that stuff but it's basically how generally there are four types of people: water, earth, fire and air people. And just as the elements, they have certain characteristics e.g. fire is constantly moving and loud etc. and when you play a role, it might help to kind of think about where you would place the character you're playing. Anyways, since we just started rehearsing our new play each one of us had to firstly place themselves where they think their personality fits (I placed myself more in the direction of water but a bit of air too as I'm air type af when it comes to things I'm passionate about). After that, we had to look at another person in our group and say if we think they placed themselves correctly or not. Funnily enough, people said I should move more in the direction of the earth type which tbh and if you really know me is nearly not me at all because a) I cannot keep still at all and b) am never cool or calm but rather just obsessively worrying about everything 24/7. And that kinda got me thinking about our perception of ourselves (as well as other people's perception of US but that's something I don't want to talk about that much in this post).

Today, as you might have seen on my tumblr, I spent some hours listening to old songs I absolutely ADORED during my childhood. Of course there were then also many memories arising and I began, again, to reassess how I view my "old" me (meaning who I was as a child continuing a bit until you-know-what happened in 2014).

And even though I already came to the realization that my childhood wasn't as perfect as I sometimes thought it was in hindsight, there were some new thoughts appearing.

Now I was already a bit the odd one out, I was kinda doing my thing, loving the things I loved and there were countless times (as I now remember) when people gave me shit about it, laughed about me, made fun of me etc. But somehow it never really stopped me from doing what I loved; I did it again and again and again. I didn't CARE what others thought of me because I was having the most fun of my life. And by doing so, I made tons of friends or acquaintances or whatever you want to call it. I guess the appeal was that no matter what happened, I nearly always remained optimistic and kind-hearted and welcoming.

Nowadays it's not as easy for me to just shake criticism or mean words off; they stick in my mind for weeks even MONTHS at times. And I'm wondering how that new me that is currently still evolving can newly learn that vulnerability and being yourself is okay and look at herself with full love again.

I'm still learning. And maybe it's good to reevaluate situations and moments and memories from time to time just to learn more about yourself and widen that limited perception about the person you are. And maybe if you are getting so sure about who you are as a person, other people's different perception won't bother you as much anymore as you know who you REALLY are.

Wishing you good luck on finding a way to perceive yourself correctly and hoping then you'll find a life of your own,

xxx Sarah

I woke up this morning with the words "less is broken" resounding in my mind. And I know this sounds crazy (especially since the phrase sounds grammatically wrong at first), but it felt strangely like a calling, as if I have to get these words and my thoughts out somehow and to do this on my blog just felt right. So here I am.

You probably already heard the phrase "less is more". I think this phrase exists in a lot of languages,at least it also does in German.

Wear less make-up. Laugh less. Talk less. Be less excitable. Show less interest. Basically be less like yourself.

And then whatever people you might want to appeal to will notice you, will like you.

What a flawed logic.

We pretend like "less" is a part of our well-meant advice, that it would help others out. We pretend it's an expression of our kindness towards others. Our empathy, maybe even. Maybe we once discovered if we handled things a certain way, others would like us more. Or maybe it is a trait that was already our own, that made our life more easier. And now we want to pass this so-called "knowledge" along to others.

Fuck that.

What we're essentially telling others when we give them the advise to be "less" is to be someone else then themselves. To change their passions, their likes and dislikes to please others. The term "less" is broken. We have used in all the wrong ways.

Why don't we tell people to express themselves however they want to? Why don't we say "be more of yourself, so much that you overflow with beauty and light"? Perhaps it's our wish that others are not as good as others.

We live in such a take-down culture. And I'm sick of it.

Be whoever you are. Don't try to please other people by changing your very being. If you feel like you have to, they aren't the right people after all. Love whatever you want to love, be passionate about whatever you are passionate about and don't ever try to dull any of it.

The right people will see your personality, and they will love you still. Maybe it's something I still have to ingrain into my mind and my heart and my body but I'll keep trying. Because I know it's worth getting there.

What's better than being able to let yourself be free?

Find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

ps: If you get told you have to change for the appeal of the opposite or the same gender, fuck that. You will never find happiness in a relationship this way. Be you, and you will find someone who's so excruciatingly themselves too, and you will be yourselves and be HAPPY together. I pinky promise.

A couple of days ago, I finished reading "Being Miss Nobody" by Tamsin Winter which is basically about an eleven-year-old girl who suffers from Selected Muteness, meaning in most situations she just cannot speak. Because of her illness, she faces a lot of difficulties especially at school and you kind of follow her journey through all of it. When I finished the book, one quote really stuck with me: "There's a time for being quiet, and there's a time for speaking up.". And I thought about it a lot, how I'm often afraid to voice my opinion and I thought "But why though? It's not as if I'm afraid people will judge me for who I am, at least mostly not anymore."

Then a situation of last week came into my mind. In our German lesson, we had to work in groups and the ones who are already quite good at essay writing (to which I somehow belong too) should team up with people who got more difficulties. So I got together with some friends of mine and we worked on interpreting a scene of a drama when one of them said "Sarah, I wish we could swap brains, I would never find that interpretation in the text!". And in my head I immediately went like "ohh you don't wanna live in my brain, it's a terrible, terrible place" but instead I wanted to express that I totally would in order to help her if I could but when I opened my mouth it sounded completely wrong, as if I'm arrogant and thinking I'm smarter than everyone anyways (which wasn't what I meant to say at all!). After that, I thought "wow, why do I even speak to others, it would be best to just Keep Quiet forever.

You see, the problem is always this (enjoy my crappy paintings I did on my laptop):



The thing is, when I'm thinking about what to say, I immediately connect it with feelings at the same time. Like I'll get a grasp of a thought and right away I'm like "okay this is supposed to express my sympathy (for example)" and then when the sounds come out of my mouth, I either stumble over words or misplace the order in such a way that my intended meaning is lost. Yes, always thinking in English and having to translate everything to German is also contributing to this problem, but I think it's rather a personality-wise problem.

How can I let people know what I actually mean? I don't know. Maybe by trying to show them through actions who I am. "Actions speak louder than words", most people say. But will they still be around to see my actions if they are already deterred by my words?

If I ever find an answer to that question, I will let you know. Until then, I hope you'll still be able to find a life of your own somehow.

xxx Sarah

As you might now, I was having some hard days scattered through the past few weeks. And as I mentioned in my last post on here, I kinda got into thinking about pain and wounds (also like I'm constantly trying to solve the mystery that is oneself and why I react to certain things the way I react).

And I was also thinking about how people like to judge other problems. If you ever told someone about your bad day you might've heard "Oh but others have it worse!" or "Chin up, there are worse things than that." and it just frustrates you since you feel like your problem is really important to you and it takes so much space up in your life but there they are, dismissing your sadness by comparing it to other people's. And I think whenever we do this, we do an injustice to others. As Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower put it:

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”

So only yesterday my best friend was at my house and we played some cards and suddenly got into talking about pain (due to a personal issue of my best friend) and the fact that she's currently avoiding the pain and putting it in a really far away corner of her brain with the result that she nearly forgot telling me about it. I said that I tend to do that a lot with everything I face, pain and problems likewise, but that it always turns out that my feelings will hit me even harder if I don't face them head on, so I'm currently trying to change that.

And it got me into thinking about pain and healing and what the best way to deal with it is.

As I said avoiding it is a bad option; it just makes sure that you carry it with you for much longer, that it tucks on your sleeve daily, just like a ghost. And then it haunts you and haunts you for years to come and while time passes, it's even harder to let go of it (at least in my experience).

I think part of why we don't want to deal with wounds head-on is because of course we're afraid of the pain but I also think that it brings a sense of vulnerability with it as you still have to go outside and do stuff and others will probably notice and then think you're weak or overly sensitive.

Nevertheless, as much as we are afraid of opening up to others and letting them see our hurt and our weakness, I think it  is important to talk about it. Yes, this may sound cliche and it also bringsa lot of fears and risks with it but here's what I've found: Part of the reason why I'm clean today (besides Taylor) is that I opened up about my genuine feelings about this whole situation in 2014 to a friend. I let her in on this not so nice side about myself that would surely repel a whole lot of other people but it helped. It made the hurt feel less significant, as if it was bearable and also it was a huge relief to be able to just message someone whenever I had a bad day and they would understand me, they would understand a bit how my mind works and maybe help me find ways to calm it down again.

Apart from that, and maybe most importantly, healing takes time. Don't beat yourself up 'cause you had a few bad days when you just decided it would get better.

Think of it like a really wound. Imagine you have cut your finger badly and it is bleeding. You're putting a band-aid on it to let it heal but maybe from time to time the injury breaks up and there's blood all over your hand and it looks really ugly but you know you can still continue mending it with another band-aid. And just as time passes, the cut will heal, eventually. But you have to be patient with it.

It's the same with pain. You may have some days or weeks when everything is feeling terrible again but you're moving and I will promise you, you will heal. It's an unavoidable consequence.

And maybe at the end of it all, you'll find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah