Find a life of your own.

I just came back from my concert weekend and there's so much to talk about but I want to start with The Lipstick Study™.

You're probably wondering what this study is right now. Well, let me explain.

The lipstick worn by my bff

So my bff went to the concert of Madeline Juno in Hamburg on Saturday and because we really felt
like it, we rocked some darkish red/nearly purple lipstick. Before we went to the venue, we did some shopping downtown and first of all it is amazing how much more confident you feel with a bold lip. I'm currently thinking of completely owning this style and becoming a lipstick addict (well, maybe not that extreme but I adore lipsticks even though my lips are practically non-existent lol).

But the most astonishing thing that happened while we were wearing it, was that we were approached by random strangers SEVEN TIMES during the two days we decided to put it on. First off, I might have to explain that usually, we or even more I never get approached by anyone, never ever ever.

But welp, it was okay and normal the first few times when people just asked us for a direction (which we of course didn't know because we're not from Hamburg).

However, it got pretty strange after that when two guys suddenly, in the middle of the mall, asked us what job we got. I quickly said we didn't have one and they then proceeded to ask if we're over 18. Hold on. To get this straight: No one, EVER, thought I looked older. Most of the time I get mistaken for a 14-year-old due to my baby face and my short hair.

Okay, we can go on. My bff quickly said no and we went on with our stroll through the mall, when we suddenly came up with the idea that maybe the lipstick is the reason why so many people approached us that day and we wanted to verify or thesis because you know, it could still be that this is just the way people from Hamburg are like.

So flash forward when we were standing in line for the concert (we played Harry Potter Uno yay). And again, two times guys approached us (and there were tons of other people in line just fyi) and asked us for which concert we were waiting for and what style of music Madeline Juno was, then proceeded to tell us to have fun. At that point there was no doubt about the lipstick thesis anymore.

wow so close like is this even real

But actually I should talk about the concert.
As Madeline Juno isn't that huge yet, we got second row for the concert although we were there only like two hours before the doors opened. And I really loved it, I have never ever been so close to any of my heroes and role models ever.

Besides a few interruptions (I might talk about that in another blog post someday) the concert began with the first few notes of Into The Night and I immediately starting singing/shouting while most of the people around me, including some in the first row, were all silent and unexcited. I, however, was so excited I thought I might faint.

While the concert went on, I got even louder and louder, danced the night away and didn't even once care about the strange looks people gave me. And after it ended, I just wished it could've lasted forever or that I could go to concerts every day for the rest of my life because I realized it is my happy place, the only place in this whole wide world where I could just fully be and embrace myself.

Suddenly I understood that I'm actually not as much as an introvert as I painted myself to be because to be completely honest with you, I really really enjoy being loud and bold, I feel comfortable and happy with it.

So maybe, I thought, maybe I am the one who stops myself from growing into my own person.

I really hope I'll someday feel the way I feel on concert nights more often in my normal life and I really really hope then I'll find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Usually I don't make another post as soon after the other but yesterday, after I published my post about loneliness, it hit kind of like a nerve in me and I wondered about a lot of things.

One of it was that suddenly I wasn't wishing for him to text me as much as I did the last month. I also got this feeling in my chest that is hard to swallow but at the same time kind of freeing to be honest.

So I asked myself what happened.

The answer: I most definitely hit a crossroad.

Sometimes you just know when you hit a point where you over the overall depression but starting to move on, I could just feel it somehow.

So you probably know the five stages of grief:
1. Denial and isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I personally believe that this not only applies to us when we've lost someone but also when we experience heartbreak or when we lose ourselves. That was why I applied it to my situation to figure out how this crossroad came to be.

When he first didn't text me back, I was already in stage one: Denial. I told myself HE was the one who wanted to keep in touch with me so he probably just, I don't know, didn't have the time to answer me. And that went on for one month. To be more precisely until Friday last week.
 Day by day I waited by the phone, getting all excited when it vibrated only to be even more depressed when his name didn't light up the phone screen.

As you might now, those stages can mix which is exactly what happened to me. While I was still stuck in the denial phase, I also got into the depression one. I was sad and angry at myself because I wasn't enough again and maybe this is a problem of my personality rather that his, I thought. The emptiness came back lurking into my body and I wasn't able to do anything besides listening to music and watching Gossip Girl.

I also got into bargaining.
"If I had just asked him more questions, then..."
"If I had just talked about something more interesting..."
"What if he had texted right in the morning on my birthday and didn't wait until 11 pm to send me a "Happy Birthday" message?"
I went back and forth on these questions.

What about anger? I didn't exactly feel that way as I am a pretty calm and rarely ever feeling angry person so I never ever once came to the conclusion that it was all his fault. I wanted to, but I just knew it wasn't the truth so in my heart I never really believed it.

And now I think - even if I haven't fully reached it - I'm on my way to acceptance. Accepting that it just wasn't meant to be and that's okay because one day I'll meet the right person and he'll meet the right person and we will both be happy which is more than I can hope for.

So what is the gist, what can you learn from that?
I think sometimes we have to remind ourselves that even if we're feeling hopeless right now and as if we could never emerge from that great big black hole we're in, we'll make it someday and we'll feel okay again and we'll find someone who understands us just as we are when the time is right.

But until then, we should all try to find a life of our own.

xxx Sarah

I've been wondering a lot about what I should talk about this week because nothing seemed to really have stroke my mind (except for 5 days of headache and having to take meds but oh well, guess my period buddy is on its way). But then I watched Savannah Brown's video "Loving like an Existentialist" today (check her out, I adore her videos, especially her poems!) and it hit me that no one living in my area really thinks about stuff the way I do and that might be the reason why I never ever had a boyfriend nor anyone who I just clicked with in terms of deeper thinking or anyone who was really into this thing.

You know, guys my age seem to like to drink and party, to be the guy that can have any girl or playing games with girls to make them chase them and simply don't enjoy talking about feelings or (in my eyes) sincere topics.

Most of my friends, too, like drinking and partying (which is generally not a really bad thing to get that straight) and talk about boys and how you should chase them and go along with their games and how you should be lucky to have someone that is kinda into you but still doesn't text you back regularly but that isn't important 'cause he's cool and it is cool to have a boyfriend.

The only person I really know that thinks about stuff as deeply as I do is my internet best friend but we live about six hours apart and sometimes I feel very lonely.

In addition to that, I can only seem to voice my thoughts in English (hence this blog written in English although I'm actually from Germany) and you can't just talk with others in a foreign language like that would be pretty weird, right?

Other than that I have tumblr which is great but I'd really love to have someone who doesn't live miles away to just talk about the things that come to my mind during the day, the questions that are haunting me in my sleep.

However I might just have to remind me that there are people out there who are just like me and someday I'll meet them and I'll find my place in this world somehow.

Until then, I'll hope I'll eventually find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

You know how people always say that when you find that person you just click with, you'll feel at home?
I always thought this was some kind of hoax as I never really had this feeling before. Not until one year ago when I met someone and I talked a few sentences with him and BAM there was this thread connecting us somehow and I felt like he didn't mind me being completely awkward most of the time, like he understands me.
We didn't start anything romantically wise but that's okay, because that feeling doesn't always have to mean that this is the right person to start a relationship with, I can also mean that you two would be great friends.

Another time when I experienced it was when I met my internet best friend this summer and even though we really understood each other skyping or writing letters and stuff, it's always something different when you see them in person so naturally, I was pretty freaking nervous.
But the second I saw her, there was this thread again, this thread connecting both of us somehow and I had one of the best days of my life. We even randomly bursted out saying the same sentences at the same time! Not to forget that we could literally read each others mind whenever something strange happened.

So when I met this guy a few months ago, I totally forgot that this exists, that it is possible to feel this way with a person. We texted back and forth for a few weeks and I felt okay with him but not 100% comfortable, I felt like he just didn't understand me that well but I thought "Hey, there's this person who for once seems slightly interested in you, so you just have to keep going, this might be your only chance to ever find someone" (silly I know, but it felt like the truth to me back then).
Then it ended and the past few weeks I wasn't really feeling that well because of it until one night - I was just getting ready to go to bed - it suddenly hit me: I never ever ever felt at home with this person. Never. So maybe it was a good thing it ended, maybe I'm now able to find the right one someday as I now do not cling to this other guy anymore.
Although I'm currently enjoying this "no love complications" time, it is nice to have this in the back of my mind.

So to everyone out there who's going through heartbreak right now: You will find someone better, someone you just have this unique connection with. Have faith in it.

Someday you'll find a life of your very own.

xxx Sarah

Today I started this blog. Why? I mean I already have a blog about books but still, I felt the need to start this new thingy right here.

The past few days I felt really bad, however, I felt like there are maybe a thousand people out there who'll probably feel the same and how cool would it be to start like a blog where you could exchange your struggles and get advice when you feel down?

So this is. A bright place as Violet from All The Bright Places (an absolutely lovely book - read it!)
would say it.

I'm going to try to share at least one post per week. It can be about a personal struggle, a book I've read that I feel like would help anyone out or just something someone told me and got me started thinking.

To you, that wonderful person behind that screen, just know that maybe you don't feel like going anywhere right now, but I'll promise you someday you - and everyone else - will eventually find a life of their own.

xxx Sarah