Find a life of your own.

I've got a problem. A problem with boys. It's not what you'd think though. It's not about me constantly meeting douchebags (though still... why @ life? A bit of an alternation would be nice for once), no it's a generally problem about my perception of guys.

So, you see, after everything that went down yesterday (you probably read it on my tumblr), I started thinking - and trust me, it's not as if I think this whole situation is my fault, it was rather a general reflection of every situation I've ever met with boys - that I somehow got trust issues opening up to any male person, to be honest.

Why?, I thought. I mean technically the only difference is the gender and maybe a bit the upbringing and the standards that are put upon them by society but still, why do I feel like every male person on this whole planet will eventually betray me and leave me in pieces?

I started reflecting upon my past. And then it hit me (and trust me, I am as sick as you are of always coming back to that point): It's because of everything that went down in 2014. See, the girls of my then-class were also included in the whole drama of it and quite frankly also played a major part in it, but it was rather a silent one which included whispering and rumors. In addition to that, I still had very good female friends so why should I question my own whole gender because of it?

But then there were those two boys in my class. Oh, how I hated them (and still do, though thankfully one of them has left our school like two years ago). Maybe it's in the nature of boys to just generally tend to voice their dislike of a person more loudly than girls do, but that's just what they did. They were the main reason for my self-loathing and my sadness because they did not shy away from making low-key nasty remarks about me in class that no teacher would ever understand nor recognize.

And maybe that's why today, every time I meet a new guy, I'm like "Don't tell him too much about you. He's gonna betray you, he'll end up destroying your life and making fun of you. He'll leave you heartbroken anyways." (upon that note, I also thought about the whole "you get what you give" phenomenon like maybe it is a little bit my fault that I'm always meeting fuckboys, I don't know). See, I don't even give most boys the CHANCE to get to know me properly because I'm so afraid of disappointment.

I think deep down I always realized that. But I have no idea how to change my behavior, to be honest as I have yet to meet a guy who is genuinely and sincerely interested in me. It's as if if I haven't got proof someone like that exists, I won't believe it. Dangerous, I know, but as I said, still hard to change so fast.

I hope someday I'll come across someone who accompanies me on my way to finding a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

If you know me, you'd know that I'm trying really hard to positive and optimistic as often as possible. I want to be so full of light that others feel happy, too. That's my aspiration.

But it does not always work out.

Today is such a day. Yesterday I was so happy, we finally got our huge project done which included a lot of stress and worrying and sleepless nights for me at least and I just felt happy because I dared to talk to teachers normally and be like overall more me than before. Yes, I also got some criticism for being such a control freak but I was okay with that as it's just a part of my persona, this wanting to do everything as perfect as possible.

I went home. And then I went to sleep. And then my mind started racing.

"Oh my god", it said, "Why did you ever even open your mouth today? You're so embarrassing. Everyone probably thinks you're annoying and does not want to hang out with you anymore."

Of course I know that these insecurities are probably only in my head. My mind sure does know that. But my thoughts still started spiraling. I tried to make them stop by falling asleep and it felt like I escaped them for a few hours, I was doing remotely fine at school but then I noticed that one of my teachers was in a bad mood and as I'm so hyper-sensitive it immediately projected onto my own mood, up to the point when I felt like crying or as if I had to do something, make something, touch something, anything literally, just to easy this feeling that was spreading deep in my bones.

The thing is, no one ever notices when I'm not feeling well. Maybe it's my fault, because I'm always just smiling and laughing even when I'm actually not feeling well. Don't ask me why; it just simply happens. And so it went unnoticed and now I'm at home and I can literally sense the bad days coming and I just wish someone would tell me how to stop this thought spiral, how to escape those inevitably dark days. I don't WANT to live through them. I am so sick of them.

And now I'm writing this out into the off. It helps; it eases the pain and the numbness a little bit. I just wish I could talk to someone in real life about it or that someone would care enough to want to actually know (I already talked about how I for whatever reason always expect people to notice). But I also know the burden that comes with it, how it makes or could make others feel to hear about my pain and problems and I don't want to be a cause for their unhappiness either.

So now I'm trapped. There are a hundred thoughts in my head right now. I wish I could let them free, open the gates of the cage and they would just fly out of my being and disappear into the nothingness.

They never do though.

I just wish someone would do anything. I have no idea what.

Maybe having problems with finding a life of your own is ok.

xxx Sarah

A while ago I read this book called "All the bright places" by Jennifer Niven (one of my favorite authors by the way - if you don't know her, definitely check her books out!). Overall I absolutely adored the book but one particular thing sticks in my mind up until this day, nearly one and a half years later. Finch, one of the protagonists of the novel, has a bipolar disorder yet her refuses to go to a therapist to get it checked and have his mental illness be official. Why? He is afraid of treated differently by others. By that, he means that people will avoid him because he has a mental illness or they will think of him as insane because of his particular disorder.

And that really resonated within me.

You see, there are all sorts of stereotypes in our society. It's even more plainly visible if you take a look at a school, a grade, or even more specifically a class. There are the cool ones, the popular ones, the quiet ones, the weird ones and so on.

I myself would probably be one of the quiet ones; I do not participate that much in class and I enjoy spending my time at home rather than going out (well, actually, this also has to do with me being an introvert but that's another discussion).

As you see, it's pretty easy to decide to break down a person into one fraction and say that is their whole being. But it's dangerous I think. (the following example in this case is me, just because I know myself best and rather shy away from judging others too much)

I personally am of course quiet and more what you'd call shy in class due to past experiences that I already explained many times on here. I do not deny that this is a part of who I am as a person. However, oftentimes people take that small tiny fraction of my life and project it onto my whole persona. And sometimes it truly frustrates me as I think this treatment is very unfair. Sometimes I feel like everyone purposefully ignores the fact that I am very open-minded to new people and most of the time approach strangers more easily than you think. I'm also someone who makes friends pretty fast and I do talk a TON. Just not in this particular situation most people meet me in.

Yes, of course I cannot expect of e.g. teachers to know more about me than my behavior in class. Nevertheless, what I am able to expect is people appreciating that this is not my whole being, that there is more to me than what's on the surface.

I can apply that to other people, too. The popular ones aren't always just cool and easy-going, sometimes they, too, have deep thoughts and are actually very smart, the weird ones might be showing themselves off this way to only attract the right people, to easily see who truly matters. It's just not something visible at the first glance. But sadly most people fail to look closer and let their prejudices stop themselves from truly great experiences and different insights.

What I want to say with this I guess is that my wish for the future is that everyone tries being a little more empathetic. Showing others that yes, there might be stereotypes but I won't generalize you to that. (maybe this would also add to diminishing the stigma around mental illnesses for example, as people would maybe be more open and honest with their own if they knew others would not judge them for it).

Be a little more empathetic. That's all the world needs sometimes. Help others find a life of their own.

xxx Sarah

OK, I have to admit, I occasionally stalk people I know in real life on social media. OKAY, I will also admit that I'm doing it 24/7 at the moment but that has reasons and they will probably fade away soon enough.

Anyways, as I said, I'm currently really checking out what people are liking, especially on instagram. So the other day I was scrolling down this page and I see that a friend of mine liked a text post. Naturally, I click on it (yes, I am a bit annoyingly curious but most of the time I'm just worried whether people I care about are doing okay). I read through it and I think about the text and the person who liked it and I think back and remember certain things I have never talked about but thought are really important to share, so that's what I'm doing today.

To further explain my point, I might have to explain what sort of impression you get of her (my friend) as soon as you meet her. Seeing her, she appears pretty confident. She does not hold back with her opinion, even if it is controversial and she always seems to know where she's headed and what she wants.

So of course you'd guess: How could someone like that be insecure about anything?

The truth is, everyone of us has insecurities. Some of us are just better at hiding them.

It's the same with her. Now, she is/was incredibly nervous when she has/had to give a presentation. Like she'd stumble upon her words and all that and every teacher is usually like "How can a girl who's that confident have so many problems with speaking in front of the class?". I often walk home with her and after a day on which she had to present something, we kinda started talking about this and she was really opened up about all of it (which is really admirable I think!). I don't want to talk about the details even though she doesn't know about this blog, just because I think it is her own right to tell others. But to summarize it, her insecurities display heavily when everyone is watching her talking whereas she usually downplays them/covers them up (by the way: she got really better at this whole thing last school year and I am really proud of her to be honest).

Even more so, it confused me when I saw the post she liked on instagram, speaking about how everyone else is having so much fun in their teenage years while she's just being miserable 24/7. Not surprised because she also had really bad days - I mean we all do. But because she, out of all people, is comparing herself.

Don't get me wrong, I did that myself. But I thought maybe if she was conscious of how actively she is covering up her flaws and insecurities, she would understand that nearly everyone does. Everyone has problems and regrets and cries themselves to sleep sometimes. People just choose which side of them they want to present to the outer world and naturally, it's usually the best because who wouldn't want people to think fondly of them? It's like Taylor said: You see others highlight reel and your own behind-the-scenes and of course you start thinking "oh wow my life must suck". It's not only applicable to the internet, no, it's also something that happens in real life.

I guess what I want to say with all of this is: You're not alone. There are people out there who are going through the same pain, maybe closer to you than you think. And that's beautiful, isn't it? Because those same people will understand you if you reach out for them. They will get what you're going through. And if you haven't found them yet - well, keep searching. You got this. You are never alone.

And if you ever feel like you are, feel free to come to this blog or message me. I hope you know you deserve to find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

Have you ever heard something along the lines of "I would totally date her/him because she's/he's so good looking but her/his character freaks me out"? Even if you did not, you probably still get where I'm coming from.

One of society's main thing to do, is to judge. Whether to look down upon people who do not fit their ideal of "beauty" or in the opposite case, giving others chances as they are good looking and therefore some sort of great recognition label for a company for example. It's a bit like a status symbol. If you look like that and wear those clothes, you'll be respected. If not, get away and search for something else.

This is a bit drastically speaking as a lot of ideals and opinions have changed over the course of the last few years and the sexism both males and females are facing is getting a bit less (though not entirely disappearing).

However, it has always affected me in some kind of way (though not how you might think).

I did indeed have a phase when I was insecure of my body: my legs, my belly, my face. I compared myself all the time. But this was never my main issue somehow. I resolved it a long time ago (speaking of body positivity, something's incoming about that, too soon).

Well, everything is fine you would guess. I am comfortable in my body, I don't think I'm ugly and therefore hating myself.

My issue is a different one though.

I have always been anxious about what people might think about my character. Now, to understand this, I have to go a bit back in time.

There were a lot of occasions during which people made fun of the way I am. And because they did, I started usually lying about this things when meeting new people. Because they could reject me.

I am a huge lover of singing in the car for example. I never held back about it, I even sang when I was driving with friends just because I really really enjoyed it. Until my best friend in second grade said it was weird and you should not do it. So I stopped. I only do it privately now. With my family, that's all. When others burst out their favorite songs, I sit in the corner, smiling awkwardly.

When I was bullied, it was due to a characteristic people thought I had. And it was the worst for me. How do you prove you're different if people don't let you? And somehow along the way I might have decided that it's best to keep certain things to myself.

Recently I also noticed that I only lie if it could affect people's view of me. If they could see me as less perfect or less cool or less funny or less smart. I'm a bit of an egoist in that way. The facade needs to be clean shaved, no bruises or bumps or holes or scars and I'd rather blame someone else for my own mistakes that owning up to them.

Maybe that's also why it hurts me twice as much when I notice that people, especially boys, only like me for my appearance. Like here I am, trying to put my way of being out there and immediately getting rejected as soon as someone gets a glimpse of how crazy I actually am. Like what's the point of looking good if no one ever dares to stay?

I just... I don't know, wish someone would for once see my soul and stay. See it as something flawed but at the same time lovable. See me as a whole human-being and deciding that I'm worth more than some flirty text messages.

But that's the thing with wishes, isn't it? They nearly never come true.

Still confused about trying to find a life of my own,

xxx Sarah