Find a life of your own.

As nearly all the time before I decide to post something on here, I watched a YouTube video in which a viewer asked the youtuber about how to find friends and that she just generally feels really lonely. It was really interesting to listen to her answer but one point really got me.

She was talking about how she was bullied in school and had nearly none friends and she just wasn't able to find any. But then she went to uni and she decided to start accepting herself as someone worthy of finding friends and it was as if a switch turned and after a few weeks, she found that she is now actually surrounded by really great people who understand her.

All of this reminded me of myself and made me realize something.

So I'm currently in 11th grade and here in Germany it means that you aren't in like one class who has all lessons together anymore but you are in classes, each time with different people of your grade. I admit, I was terrified of it, because quite frankly, I adored (and still do) my class.

But when just about a week ago, I was the first choice of a girl that I've only got to know this school year, it hit me how many friends I now have. Of course, not all of them are really close friends, but there are enough and I just feel like I've grown so much closer to people I never really considered but now they are such a huge part of my life and I wouldn't want to miss them. I never really questioned why it's suddenly so easy for me to click and talk with people just like that but this video really brought something into view for me.

As you might know, I was bullied in 8th grade. Fortunately, it was only an in-class thing so I switched classes. And although everyone was quite accepting from the start, I still found myself feeling lonely. I always thought that everyone hates me, that they've heard the rumors and silently judges me, that I'm annoying and not worthy of being loved. It was like a truth I silently accepting without even realizing it.

Then the clean speeches came. And I found myself listening to them day and night and with each new one, Taylor's words became my truth. And about two years ago, I became clean. I realized that I am in fact someone who deserves to be loved and treated right. That I shouldn't make myself small for the aspiration of being liked by everyone. That my voice matters and I shouldn't hide it.

Of course it was and still is one hell of a ride trying to conform all these thoughts onto real life, especially if those self-destructing thoughts were so long in my life.

However, as of today, I look around and see that the love of myself that grows inside me did have an affect on my surroundings. As soon as I started to believe that I was worthy of friendship and love, it became so much easier to click with others.

So if you're in a similar situation, thinking you'll never find friends: You will. But maybe start becoming your own best friend first. And eventually you will find a life of your own, too.

xxx Sarah

If you clicked on this post in the hopes of getting a perfect solution to the problem of getting over someone, I'm afraid I have to disappoint you because I discovered that there's no dead end solution. Especially since we're all different it's kind of hard to say "You just have to do it like this and then you'll forget that person" apart from the fact that some methods might work better with certain people than with others (I hope you see the problem).

However, I thought I might share what helped me and we could do this little exchanging experiences hing where you'll tell me how you got over heartbreak or losing a friend (you might as well do this on tumblr :) ).

First things first, cut off the communication. I know this sounds harsh and it really is but nothing else will ever get you started. Block their number, unfollow them on social media. The reason why you should do this is as you will probably find yourself staring at your phone in the hopes of getting another message from that person and soon enough you'll find yourself in this never ending cycle of waiting for their message, being happy for a short time and then falling even deeper in this hole of sadness again after they have decided to stop messaging you all over again.

I've been there, too. I spent about two months chasing a ghost and unconsciously destroyed myself by doing so. So even if it hurts, please just do it. You'll look back someday and be happy that you made this choice.

What really helps getting over someone - although it is painful - is to let yourself feel the pain. You might try to tuck the pain away in the depths of your brain, building a wall around it and pretending it never even happened. It's easier that way, you tell yourself. Don't cry, you don't deserve to cry about this person, it's your own fault so you don't have the right to feel sad.

Been there, did that. First of all, a relationship going to waste is always a work of two people. Even if you assume you're guilty of the mess, there's always the other person who allowed you to feel that way. Apart from that, facing the pain benefits the way you feel emotionally eventually as you will get out of it faster. Otherwise the pain is like a ghost, randomly haunting you all over again. You'll never get a closure this way.

Most importantly, you should acknowledge that you had feelings for/really liked that person.

It just hit me yesterday (hence this post) that I was trying to deny I was ever in love with someone because it felt so far away. As a result, when I started talking to him again and old feelings started dwelling up, I was even more confused than I was before.

But maybe it all that mess in my head just came to be since I never really took care of my feelings, forgetting them all too soon.

And as soon as I realized I really had a crush on him, I started noticing that that feeling is not there anymore. I started discovering that he is not  a flawless person either, his laugh sounds weird sometimes and that touching him didn't give me the satisfaction it would have given 2016 me.

I'm not perfect either. I'm still not able to let certain people go but I'm working on it. Cause in the end, the ghosts of people that have left you stop you from truly finding (and living) a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

Dear future significant other,

You seem to be hiding somewhere. Sometimes I wonder if you even exist, if it's useless to worry about someone I haven't met yet. Do you lay awake at night thinking about this, too?

I hope I'll meet you. Someday, somewhere. Maybe in a bar. Or a cafe. Or in a bookshop.

Maybe our eyes will meet and we'll share a shy smile. (S)he seems nice but what if (s)he doesn't want to talk to me? What if (s)he thinks I'm annoying? Maybe we'll have the same look of fidgeting about this question in our head. Maybe one of us will make a move.

Say hello. Start talking. Feeling incredibly comfortable. Finally someone who gets me the way I am. Laughing. Exchanging phone numbers.

Having to leave. Blushing all the way home. Thinking about you all day and night. Hoping you will text me.

Getting even closer. Finally someone who's not playing games with me. Talking about the past, both being excessively nostalgic. Talking about our dreams and aspirations. Telling the other about our worries. What if we'll never reach our goal? What if all the hard work is pointless?

Dancing around the room. You, not ashamed of my awkward dance moves. Me, loving every piece of you. Singing karaoke. Talking about how music changed our lives. Loving.

Crying. Lying in each other's arms late at night. Not knowing where the journey will lead us. Disappointments. The only thing that stays are we. Supporting each other. Standing up again.

Fighting. Side to side. Together.

Breaking boundaries. Finding new hobbies. Understanding each other no matter what the other person loves because we can feel the passion in each others eyes. Growing stronger.

Kisses on good days. Kisses on bad days. Holding each other. Snuggling. Being scared at first, then craving the touch.

Feeling at home.

I'm scared I've already met you and let you go. Or that you let me go. Maybe all we can do is trust in fate. Fate will eventually bring us back together. Someday. Somewhere.

And together we will find a life of our own.

xxx Sarah