Find a life of your own.

Vulnerability.

What do you think of when you read this word?

Weakness? Embarrassment? Wrong?

If yes, don't worry, you're not alone with this. In fact, our society is build up of many, many people (I'm not saying everyone's like that) who think that vulnerability is a flaw that they have to erase out of themselves. That showing emotions is bad. And not only do many prohibit themselves from doing so, no, they also look down on and laugh at people who cry often or don't have that "everything is fine, all the time" smile on their face.

Don't show your hurt. Pretend you don't care. Fake it until you make it. Those are sayings that are so known in our society that we never even question them anymore.

Let me give you a few examples of how this is noticeable.

So, there are a few girls in my grade who are really sensitive. Being like that, they cry a lot, I would even say at least once a week. And people judge them for it. They say "They're crying over nothing" or "They should get over themselves". And although them being emotional over some things might seem to be ridiculous to some of us, that does not mean it's our right to look down on them for it. We don't know what's going on in their lives.

Another example. Last year, one of the students at our school tragically died in an accident during our fall break. When school started again, the first day was a bit different but we still had lessons. Our maths teacher knew the student really well and he was terribly sad over the loss of him. And he started crying. I myself just felt really sorry for him but I was astonished when I talked to a "friend" of mine later who judged him for showing tears, saying that "Men should not cry". Why though? Why should men have to bottle their emotions up, destroying themselves in the process? Why are we so keen on demolishing female stereotypes while at the same time clinging to male stereotypes?

Lastly, in our last French lesson, I immediately noticed that our French teacher was kind of... sad, I think that would describe it best. When I walked home with my friend (who I really like actually but) she told me that she also saw our teacher downtown on Wednesday and that she was sitting in a cafe and crying and said "She also seems to be crying easily and a lot". She didn't even say it in a accusing tone but it immediately came across to me like that. Maybe because since I was little, I was shown by the media that women, nor men should show their tears, at least if they want to seem mature.

Crap, I say.

What's the point of "faking it until you make it"? The only thing that will happen is that you destroy yourself. Because at some time, your emotions will have to blow up and then you aren't capable of handling them anymore because they piled up to a huge mountain of pain.
Taylor Swift once said: "[talking about the song Clean] And it kind of talks about how if you really allow yourself to feel pain, I think maybe it’s easier to get past it. For most people that I’ve known who’ve fought through struggle, a lot them who have really just faced the pain head on have come out OK a lot faster than the ones who just pretended to be in denial of it."

I wish we would take that advice to heart. And I wish we would stop judging people for showing emotions, for being vulnerable. Because in the end, vulnerability is what makes us human the most. And we should not be ashamed to display our feelings.

Maybe vulnerability just helps you to grown and to eventually find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

So this is it. The great two years mark. Wow. If anyone would've ever told me in 2014 I would be able to be content with my life for so long, I would've called them crazy. Me? The overthinker and overworrier? Content for two years? Not falling back into the black hole again? No way.

Yet here I am. Two Years. Writing those words down already feels weird.

One year ago, on this day, I talked about how it all came together. You can find the post here. You can also read up my story here.

Today, however, I wanted to focus on the aspects that have changed in my life. I think it's good to sometimes stop to think about how far you've come and what you achieved. For the sake of this, I started writing things down about a week ago that occurred to me, so that I wouldn't forget anything.

"When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe."

I'm not denying that up to today, I'm still shy, especially when it comes to situations in class (I'll talk about that later). But one thing that has drastically changed is the number of people I have the pleasure of calling my friends.
Often, when I'm walking home with someone or just making jokes in class or someone says or does something that shows that they genuinely care about me, I suddenly start thinking "Wow I'm so grateful for experiencing this.".
This actually happened just today, when I was about to do my presentation in French. You have to know that I am terrified right before talking in front of the class and my whole body is shaking etc. But what happened, and for me it's something I genuinely appreciate, is that people that have become my friends over the past few months, started cheering me on. They were like "Sarah you can do this!" or "Don't be nervous, you'll be great!". And although that didn't stop my hand from shaking, it soothed my soul. These people are supporting me, no matter if I'm not perfect. And that is one of the greatest things I ever got to experience in my life.
And as I said, I get along really well with a lot of people of my grade. Some even invited me to a party! This is truly insane. I'm not at the same level of people I call friends as I was before we moved here. And that is not to say that I'm counting numbers and measuring my self worth by it, but that it shows how far I've come. But I don't want it to be like before. This time I'll be more empathetic and kind and loving. Everyone deserves kindness.

"When the butterflies turned to dust, that covered my whole room."

One thing I just recently noticed is that I care so little about other people's (negative) opinion about me anymore. Once, Taylor said during one of her clean speeches that "you're not the opinion of someone who doesn't know about you or cares about you." and I've really taken this advice to heart. Don't get me wrong, I still notice when people clearly don't like me, but it doesn't clatter up my day or my entire week if they don't. I'm still overthinking a lot but this fear of being rejected by people I barely know has diminished so much that I don't even think about it anymore.

"Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it."

I still have some bad days. They usually happen during my PMS but I don't want to blame all of it on my body because I know that the reasons why I am sad are still valid. My internet best friend (who also reads this blog - hi!) once told me that during bullying, there are certain connections that are formed in our brain and that's why I - and she, too - are sometimes having those down days.
But I'm able to handle it. I either write a blog post or talk about it on tumblr and you guys always cheer me up when I'm down. Another thing I am incredible thankful for,

"I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."

I'm still a bit fed up with what people expect of me. Because I come across as shy as you first get to know me, I sometimes lock myself into that role and act like it because I feel like this is what people WANT to see me be like in some sort of weird way. But I'm getting there, slowly, but I do.
I started participating in French and in English, while I could barely raise my hand not that long ago. And even if no one else besides me sees my process because the steps are so little, I won't stop. And if I'm doubting that, you are one of the first ones to remember me of my worth. Thank you.

"Now that I'm clean, I'll never gonna risk it. I think I am finally clean."

I am fascinated with the line "It was the night things changed; can you see it now?" during Change (hence my tumblr blog title). Because even though two years ago I barely noticed anything had changed, I do now. And I'm incredibly thankful for this journey.

I won't quit. I want to make Taylor and most importantly myself proud.

This is a reminder for each and everyone of you. You are loved and important. You can get through this dark time of your life. The strength has always been within you, even if you can barely recognize the light that's a part of your every fiber being.

Keep going. And trust your heart.

And most importantly, thank you. For liking my posts when I was sad, for sending me messages - anon or not - or for saying that you are proud of me. You are as much of a part of this journey as I am.

And Taylor - never ever stop being you. You are an inspiration for so many people. I will never not love you, I pinky promise.

Finding a life of my own,

xxx Sarah