Find a life of your own.

Sometimes I feel like I'm two people in one.

One of them is out and proud. She doesn't give two shits about men trying to flirt with her. She wears her rainbow flag like a uniform that shields her from all the negativity in the world. She doesn't care who sees her holding the hand of the girl she's in love with and she certainly doesn't care about not being "the norm". She loves dressing up, wearing her smile like an accessory which protects her. She loves singing at the top of her lungs, no matter how bad she is at it (trust me, it's really bad) and she loves striking up conversations with strangers if she finds they have the same interests. She isn't afraid to show her emotions, she cries in front of others the same way she doesn't hold her laughter back. She speaks her mind and doesn't hold back on her worries for she knows that talking about them is the only way to get rid of them. Or at least lessen them. She doesn't care about her parents and the expectations of this world and she knows that she is loved. Oh, she's so incredibly loved. She doesn't question her kindness or her "realness" and she loves getting excited about kittens and puppies.

But then there's the other person. She's insecure. Really insecure. She's scared that the girl she's holding hands with might leave her when she finds out about the depths of her soul. She's scraed that she's just being played with again, that she's investing into something with no future, that she's investing more because she always does, and she always ends up being hurt again. Fear isn't her pet but her significant other she cannot let go of. She's scared of telling other people about her sexuality, she's scared that they will hate her for it and that she will end up all alone. As much as she wants to be with a girl, and as much as her vision of the future doesn't really hold a place for a man in terms of romantic relationships, she's scared of the judgement. She is terrified of not knowing whether the person that sees her kissing her crush will threaten to kill her just for being her. She is terrified of losing her family. Her friends say that she will have to choose her love life over it, and she knows that they are right, but still she cannot let go of her parents. She knows they exert a shitty influence over her life and her mental health but she cannot deny that she loves them. In her own twisted way. She's terrified of being homeless, of being cut off from money. Of never finding a job that helps paying her rent. She's scared of her friends finding new, better people to connect with and forgetting about her. She's scared that her fear will eventually eat her alive (if it hasn't yet). She wants to be out and proud, oh so desperately, but she knows it's just a farce, a game she's playing that couldn't be farther from the truth. She wants somebody to hold her and tell her it will all be alright. Despite it all. Despite it all.

These two versions of me are fighting. Girl one screams at girl two to stop being such a scaredy cat and to start owning up to her truth. Girl two starts crying, and sobs that her worries are way too big to just ignore. Girl one wants to comfort her but girl two is scared of people getting to close, of getting to comitted, or even worse, too dependent upon anyone else but herself. She likes isolation because she feels like this is what she deserves.

How do you unite two forces that rip each other apart?

Dear 13 year old me,
Hey there. I have pretended you don't exist for many years now. I have pretended that person wasn't me. And to be honest, I sometimes I still feel like it. But today I found a picture of you. And I felt this urge to tell you some things, things I wish you would've heard back then. No, this is not a lie or play pretend, I'm not ignoring your struggles. Please hear me out.

You were so innocent. Naive, some would say. Fuck that. I love your naivité, and I love your kindness and your big heart. Those are GOOD traits, not bad. No matter what the world tries to make you believe. But you got stomped all over and you are sad (in my opinion, you should've been angry, but that's okay, you never liked conflict. you still don't do - spoiler alert!). You think no one gets you and you think no one ever will. You listen to sad music to keep yourself afloat. You try to remember the good things but they seem to fade into background noise more and more. You think it's all your fault.

It was not, and IS NOT, you fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You protected a friend, you told the truth and that's all you could have done. And those people who don't believe you? They don't matter. They want something to gossip about. They want to find something wrong about you, because you have been kind to everyone and so your kindness must be fake, right? They make you feel as if you should be less. Less excitable. Less talkative. Less you. And so you cave. You think you are not worthy of people treating you with respect. You actually think you're not worthy of anything at all. And if you could, you would sink into the ground and never resurrect.

And I get that. I'm not ashamed of you for hiding, for just wishing it all away. I'm not ashamed of you becoming silent, because that was your way of dealing with your feelings. What I want to tell you is that IT'S OK. You shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Let those emotions wash over you. (one day, they will just be a distant memory, I promise)

You deserve the world. You always did. And people not seeing that is their mistake. But you will find friends that do. And they make the people who treated you like shit disappear. You won't even think of them anymore. You'll laugh at how petty they were while at the same time honoring your roots. This is your past, your story and you will slowly learn that you do not have to be quiet about it. You do not have to pretend it was okay, because "maybe I just make it worse than it actually was, like, others have it so much worse". Yeah, they might have it worse. But your experience is still valid. Scream the names of your bullies from the top of the world. You do not need to protect them. They should be held accountable for their actions because it. was. not. okay.

I also want to tell you that it gets better. It really does. The sunshine will slowly return to your life. It will be hard and you want to quit more often than you want to admit. But you have to pull through because the spring is worth it. Laughing with your best friends about being so sleep deprived you cannot even open a box of chocolates anymore is worth it. Going to your first concert and finding your home there is worth it. The feeling of being surrounded by your favorite people at your birthday is worth it. Running outside with your best friend because the first snow is filling the streets is worth it. Falling so utterly in love with a girl you can't even think straight is worth it (no matter what your parents tell you). Holding hands, hugging, music and the feeling of your favorite author publishing a new book is worth it. Getting out of school and finding out it's actually not as scary as you thought it would be is worth it. Being where you are, right now, is worth it. Despite it all.

If I could only tell you one thing, it would be this: I love you. So, so much. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.

Yours,
19 year old you.