Dear 13 year old me,
Hey there. I have pretended you don't exist for many years now. I have pretended that person wasn't me. And to be honest, I sometimes I still feel like it. But today I found a picture of you. And I felt this urge to tell you some things, things I wish you would've heard back then. No, this is not a lie or play pretend, I'm not ignoring your struggles. Please hear me out.

You were so innocent. Naive, some would say. Fuck that. I love your naivité, and I love your kindness and your big heart. Those are GOOD traits, not bad. No matter what the world tries to make you believe. But you got stomped all over and you are sad (in my opinion, you should've been angry, but that's okay, you never liked conflict. you still don't do - spoiler alert!). You think no one gets you and you think no one ever will. You listen to sad music to keep yourself afloat. You try to remember the good things but they seem to fade into background noise more and more. You think it's all your fault.

It was not, and IS NOT, you fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You protected a friend, you told the truth and that's all you could have done. And those people who don't believe you? They don't matter. They want something to gossip about. They want to find something wrong about you, because you have been kind to everyone and so your kindness must be fake, right? They make you feel as if you should be less. Less excitable. Less talkative. Less you. And so you cave. You think you are not worthy of people treating you with respect. You actually think you're not worthy of anything at all. And if you could, you would sink into the ground and never resurrect.

And I get that. I'm not ashamed of you for hiding, for just wishing it all away. I'm not ashamed of you becoming silent, because that was your way of dealing with your feelings. What I want to tell you is that IT'S OK. You shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Let those emotions wash over you. (one day, they will just be a distant memory, I promise)

You deserve the world. You always did. And people not seeing that is their mistake. But you will find friends that do. And they make the people who treated you like shit disappear. You won't even think of them anymore. You'll laugh at how petty they were while at the same time honoring your roots. This is your past, your story and you will slowly learn that you do not have to be quiet about it. You do not have to pretend it was okay, because "maybe I just make it worse than it actually was, like, others have it so much worse". Yeah, they might have it worse. But your experience is still valid. Scream the names of your bullies from the top of the world. You do not need to protect them. They should be held accountable for their actions because it. was. not. okay.

I also want to tell you that it gets better. It really does. The sunshine will slowly return to your life. It will be hard and you want to quit more often than you want to admit. But you have to pull through because the spring is worth it. Laughing with your best friends about being so sleep deprived you cannot even open a box of chocolates anymore is worth it. Going to your first concert and finding your home there is worth it. The feeling of being surrounded by your favorite people at your birthday is worth it. Running outside with your best friend because the first snow is filling the streets is worth it. Falling so utterly in love with a girl you can't even think straight is worth it (no matter what your parents tell you). Holding hands, hugging, music and the feeling of your favorite author publishing a new book is worth it. Getting out of school and finding out it's actually not as scary as you thought it would be is worth it. Being where you are, right now, is worth it. Despite it all.

If I could only tell you one thing, it would be this: I love you. So, so much. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.

Yours,
19 year old you.