Hi there! Long time, no see (as always oops). I've been wanting to make a post about this topic for months but just never found the right words for it but today I was like "Okay we're gonna write this down now and who cares if it's not perfect!" so here we are. No promises that it will be a good post though.

So as you might know, I'm a chronic overthinker. I'm so much of an overthinker that even some of my overthinker friends have said they don't overthink as much as I do. Yes, this is a real sentence I just typed and you had to read through. Sorry. But it is what it is, as they say. Needless to say, this is quite difficult when you're in a relationship with me. Truly, dating someone is as though someone took a magnifying glass to your insecurities, like ti forces you to confront them and try to find a way to deal with them in order to keep the relationship going. Okay, that sounded dramatic but all I mean is that if you don't address your issues and try to better yourself in the aspects which could leave to a rift in your relationship, then it is very likely that said relationship will eventually fall apart.

One thing for example that my overthinking has made more difficult in the past is communicating. Like, I had a very hard time voicing what hurt me to others and I always felt like if I told them about it they would just up and leave me (also very dramatic, I know). Then I got into a relationship and I was like "Okay, either I try to better myself now or this thing will not work out and I WANT it to work out". I used to really smother myself in my bad feelings, deal with them on my own until they became much bigger issues than they actually were. While starting to address my issues, I notice that it actually makes a lot of things easier and your relationship improves since your partner knows what makes you feel good about yourself.

The main difficulty with me being an overthinker is, of course, that my brain really clings to certain topics. I recently told my girlfriend that there are like three topics who are constantly swirling around in my head and one of them is our relationship. Now, I obviously don't want to break up with her, it's just that I tend to get these intrusive thoughts which literally question everything about my relationship. "Do I really love her? Is that how a relationship is supposed to feel? What if we weren't together? Would I do XY? Would she do XY? Maybe she would be better off alone. Maybe some way down the line she will break up with me and what then? Should I just tear everything apart right now to avoid being hurt in the long run? Isn't t a fact that you get more attached to a person the longer you spend time with them and then them leaving you will hurt you even more?" are some of those thoughts. And I definitely do have days sometimes weeks, when these voices get overwhelming. And, like, I know it's meant nicely when people say "listen to your gut" but I literally cannot trust my instincts because my anxiety is always telling me to abort mission.

So what I try to do is do a reality check. Do I really want to break up with her or is it just my anxiety of letting someone get too close to me? Or The anxiety of an unknown future when I'm happy now and that's all that matters? By all means, I'm still not an expert on this. All I know is that I want to keep being with her because being in a relationship with her is so easy. I am very lucky that my girlfriend is a very confident person and she doesn't get insecure by me telling her about my anxious thoughts. I try to just describe to her the way my brain works and she accepts it as is. I think it's just very important to talk about it so that the other person knows that when you go kinda MIA for a couple of days it's not because you do not like them anymore, it's just because sometimes the voices in your head get too loud and you need some time to figure out what the actual truth is.

It's a journey I guess. And it's not easy. But I'm trying. And just because my brain might make things difficult doesn't mean that I don't deserve love or a partner. It just means that I have to try extra hard to communicate and to keep myself in check. I felt like sharing my experience with you guys might help some of you who have similar issues like me. The most important thing really is being honest with the other person, and if they leave you because of the way your brain works, well, then they were probably not the right one for you anyways. That's at least how I see it.

If you have similar experiences or struggles, feel free to comment on this post how you try to deal with them or send me an ask on tumblr! It can be a little support group thingy :) Also, I hope I will find the creativity to post more often on here again but we shall see. Until then,

xxx Sarah