Find a life of your own.

Usually I just post my poems on here as a plain text but this time I felt the urgent need to speak the words myself. Sorry in advance for my accent, I'm, as I already said, not a native English speaker. Thanks for listening anyways.

FOMO, the fear of missing out, seems to be a common thing among us teenagers. For example fearing that if you won't go to that party, you'll miss something really cool and funny or if you're not invited to that sleepover, you'll be unpopular and on the outside.

With me, I wouldn't say FOMO is a thing that really affects me. However, I have a ton of fears like I'm pretty sure the list of my anxieties would be as long as Santa's wish list (well not actually, but you know what I mean). And I never really tried to get behind it like why I'm afraid of literally everything, I just took it as a character trait, like that's just the way I am. I'm sure that's not 100% wrong but watching Savannah Brown's video "bad at being bad" (you see, I adore her) it occurred to me that the bottom of most of my fears is the fear of not being perfect so people will think I'm dumb.

Yes, that sounds insane and I know not being perfect makes us human but it's just something that's grounded within me.

Just like Savannah, I'd for example love to dance, maybe even in a dance group but I'm insecure that others will think that I'm awful at it and then I'll just feel bad.

Or the fact that I love to sing. As a kid, I always said this is one of my hobbies but now I just kinda hide it and never talk about it cause I'm like "What if they'd expect me to sing well? And what if my voice is actually terrible and I'll just embarrass myself?"

And it's not like I haven't experienced situations like this. For example, we had a playback show at a school trip and I performed my favorite song at that time (a song from a Barbie movie) and the boys started laughing at me and I immediately felt like "Ok, it's clear, I'm just not able to dance in a good way" as an ex-best friend in first grade already pointed out to me that me loving to do pirouettes is not a right way of dancing.

Another situation that kind of assured me in thinking that I can't sing was when I decided to sing in front of my class in 5th grade. Before that, a lot of people have actually told me that I'm good at singing but when some guys started laughing at me I just filed that under "reasons why I apparently can't sing" and that just kinda stayed with me, even years later, when people said my voice was great and just cause that one moment I doubted they were telling the truth.

Maybe it's also just about that we put too much importance on negative rather than positive experiences but that is another topic.

I'm also insecure of my writing, like I could never show this blog to all the people I know in real life, even if this wasn't such a personal blog. Like what if they say my writing is bad? I just couldn't deal with it and I think this is why criticism bothers me so much although it should actually just help me to grow. However, I seem to take everything personally, like it's a flaw of me as a person. For example when my French teacher told me that my dialogue wasn't good, I nearly started crying 'cause I thought I myself was a failure.

It's just a pattern that I noticed. I have no idea if I'll ever get over this issue of mine but maybe I don't need to. Maybe I just have to accept my fears as a flaw that makes me human and helps me find a life of my own someday.

xxx Sarah

After I wrote down this post called "Hugging" I posted a few weeks ago, I realized how therapeutic it is for me to just have this place to write my thoughts down. And right now my thoughts are running, running wild and I just feel like I need to find some sort of order again so here I am.

I wonder if anyone of you feels/felt like this too.

As I once already said, I am a big planner when it comes to love. And having realized that, I started wondering if I really had a crush on certain people if not all I once called my "crush".

Or, at the same time, I wonder if certain people were the only ones I really ever loved and to cite Cailee Rae they're "something like an anchor that won't let go of me" and I would never be able to love someone like they loved me.

For instance, I can't even picture that feeling anymore I had with my first "crush". Every time I see him at school (which already rarely happens) I start thinking "what did I ever like about this person?" even if we were at that time some sort of friends before it all broke apart.

But then there's this amazing boy I met during one of my darkest times. And in hindsight, I know it would not have been the right time for an "us" but that still does not stop me from aching at the thought of what we could have been. He was one of very few that didn't care about rumors and every time he was close to me I felt like he got me. He got that I just needed to be silent sometimes cause I had a bad day. He got my distance while at the same time working towards making it smaller.

The next-to-last time I saw him (which is in my head practically like the really last time) was Christmas two years ago. He walked past me and we shared a look. And sometimes in my sleep, this moment happens all over again and we actually speak the words out loud that we tried to tell the others through our eyes that day. His eyes were some sort of magical portal for me, leading to a  whole new world and I feel like every time they found mine the word stopped for a second and there was some sort of electricity flowing around the both of us.

But maybe I just imagined all of this and I only liked him because he seemed to be into me. Or maybe he was my one shot because I can't help to compare everyone to him although he now has a girlfriend.

Then after that came a boy who made me feel like home and he was the first one who made me forget about the boy I was all over before that. Every time he smiled, my cheeks started blushing and I just felt at ease with the world which was still a rare feeling for me at that time. It started breaking down when I met his truly amazing girlfriend and I started tucking my feelings away and barely ever saw him ever again.

Nevertheless I was completely star-struck all over again when he smiled at me yesterday. His smile caught my eye and the happiness instantly came fleeting back without me even wanting it.

So am I still in love with him? Or was I ever really in love with him (because at some point I also thought I wasn't in hindsight)? And how am I supposed to handle it and to untangle this knot of feelings inside my stomach?

But maybe it's not about finding someone I could love like I loved certain people in my life. Maybe every person contains a different feeling and maybe it's good that it's like this.

The question that's still lingering is how do you know if you really had a crush on someone (if someone of you knows the answer to this or has an opinion on this, please, please tell me. Comment on here or send me a message on tumblr. I'm really struggling at the moment.)? And will I ever be sure I like someone for the sake of the person and not because I feel lonely? Will I ever feel content being single?

Maybe I'll never know. For now, I'm just trying to look ahead and see what the future will hold for me. Maybe it'll make sense then. And maybe I would have found a life of my own by then.

xxx Sarah

First off, I'm sorry for the break between the last posts. If you follow my tumblr, you might've seen that I'm pretty stuck up in school work at the moment so I barely have time for anything, I'm sorry (let's just all hope this time will end soon).

When Taylor Alison Swift aka my hero started giving interviews for 1989 about two years ago (btw: I. NEED. TS6.), she talked a lot about how she found happiness in being single and many other people talk about it all the time, that you should find peace with being alone before starting a relationship.

However, what no one talks about, is how hard this actually is.

To be really honest with you , I get kind of sad when I see all my other friends having some boy stuff going on right now. Not necessarily jealous because I mean it's great for them if they find someone they have a great connection to but I just feel more lonely.

After the last thing that happened with this guy, I decided to trust my gut feeling more and just start putting more energy in some crush kind of thing if I feel some connection one way or the other from the start. Just to save me some pain, you know. Nevertheless I keep asking myself like when is my turn? When will I find someone I for example have my first kiss and my first relationship with?

Yes, I know happiness should come from within and I can't really complain about my life either way but it's just not really fulfilling if you know what I mean. Would a relationship complete that space? I don't know, probably not, but I'm just running out of ideas.

Apart from that, I'm in a phase again in which life doesn't really feel quite real and I'm wondering if I'll ever find someone I could have a great relationship with. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I can't with people I can't talk about deeper things with and it does not seem that there's someone like that in my environment, e.g. school.

I also don't really think I ever had a real REAL crush. Yes, it felt like that but I'm always confused if I just like that person because of the possibility of having a relationship. And like I said in one of my posts, I have a huge problem with trying to plan crushes.

And yes, I know that searching for someone won't help me find someone but I just can't help it.

I hope, however, to find a solution someday and maybe find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah