Find a life of your own.

I don't know about you but I'm a frantic daydreamer. Wherever I go, whether I do it on purpose or not, I make up scenarios in my head. What would happen if I did this? What if the other person reacted like this? What could happen? The possibilities are endless.

And the great thing about daydreaming is that it's all in your head. You don't have to live with the consequences. Maybe you can also avoid some consequences by playing it through, thinking about possible ways to handle the situation and choosing the best one.

However, those scenarios barely ever work out in real life. In real life, there's other people with a different set of traits, different experiences, and therefore a different way to react than you might think. Sometimes you wish it weren't like that, that you could avoid pain and hurt by just moving everyone around like chess figures. But it would be kind of depressing after a while, wouldn't it? I think one of the best things about life is the unpredictability of it.

Don't get me wrong, it does happen that your daydream becomes reality in some kind of way, it also happened to me a few times. And just because I thought about this scenario already, it doesn't make the memories less captivating.

But what I recently found to be problematic about it is that it's also a way of running away from reality. Sometimes we get so caught up in our thoughts, we miss what's happening in front of us. We're not participating, as Charlie (The Perks Of Being A Wallflower) would say.

"And I know these will all be stories someday and our pictures will become old photographs and we'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening."
“You'd rather make up a fantasy version of somebody in your head than be with a real person.”

Have you ever kept a letter? Maybe a love letter or something a dear friend of yours have written or even just a postcard? Have you locked it in a box or tucked it in a corner for years and years to read it again and again when you're having a nostalgic day?

I keep literally everything in a big folder in my book shelf. It was once a binder full with sheets of a brand that was pretty popular when I was a kid (for all my fellow German readers: Did you also collect tons of Diddl sheets? In elementary school we literally turned it into a trading thingy) but then I started writing to pen pals so I had to re-purpose it. Over time, a lot of letters were added, those of my internet best friend, postcards or letters my elementary school best friend and I wrote at home and traded at school up until we started a whole sort of clique in which we mostly traded said letters.

Sometimes I read through them again (especially all the drama - if only I knew what was still up for me). Of course I notice the pages and the ink slowly wear off the more I read through them. And it makes me kind of sad - what if all these memories are someday just gone?

But that's the thing with memories - they wear off, they fade away and sometimes we forget even the best moments we ever had just because they were replaced by, well, just better ones. Or we feel such a distance that we cannot remember the feeling anymore.

I got that with a lot of people my younger self would say I had a crush on. What did it feel like? What made me like them? What were those special moments I clung onto at night? Why does it feel so irrational to ever have fallen for that person?

Whenever it hits me, I feel a bit sad. Because I realize: Feelings fade, too. And sometimes you just want to forget how special someone made you feel but over time, all of it loses its spark and you feel alienated from your feelings.

I don't want to forget the freedom I felt as a kid, running around on our lawn, dancing and singing and building tree houses in the woods and doing pranks on our neighbors - only to ring the bell and leave them some flowers to make them smile. I don't want to forget the way it felt when we moved here, how it was all exciting and new, I want to be able to remember those moments when I felt like I truly belonged somewhere - the list goes on and on.

But maybe there's also something comforting to it. Because even if you feel like you'll never get over this loss, or this heartbreak or that version of yourself you once lost - it will pass. As everything does in life. Maybe I'll just wake up one day and won't remember him. Or one day I might have find my purpose in life along the way.

It can happen. It happens. I barely remember 2014, aka the worst year of my life, anymore. Not because the lessons I learned are not important, but more because I found my place and I learned to love myself so the words they used to hurt me don't mean anything to me anymore.

Isn't it beautiful? How we cling to feelings and memories as if they were our favorite teddy bear but at the same time we sometimes can't wait to let them go?

I think there's something extraordinary about it. About life, how it all works out in the end. And someday, even if you can't remember certain things, you'll find a life of your own without them (and maybe you'll someday meet someone from your elementary school class again - and you'll just talk about life and laugh at the good old times).

xxx Sarah

Giving up. It seems easy, doesn't it? Just putting all the problems aside. Saying "whatever, it'll happen the way it'll happen. I can't influence anyway.".

Don't get me wrong. It's okay to sometimes give up, especially when you notice that e.g. holding on to a person hurts you or constantly drains your energy without you ever really getting anywhere or the other person acknowledging your efforts.

On the other hand, you could also fight. For your dreams. For something you truly believe in. For something that you know will make life better for you.

Or even simpler. Fighting to win your life back. Fighting your way back to happiness. To confidence.

I am fighting, every day. Sometimes it's easier. Sometimes I just have to wake up and I'm in a good mood and I feel like I can take on the world with confidence. Like everything will be alright anyways. On these days, I just live my life like a normal 16-year-old would. Nothing too special about that, and the need and the aspiration to fight is tucked away in a far away corner of my brain.

Other days are not so simple. Bad days. Don't get me wrong, I hate them. I hate this empty feeling in my chest. I hate being close to crying. I hate listening to sad music on repeat. I hate overthinking. And over-worrying. I hate ranting to others about my feelings, but I feel like I have to or else I would combust of feelings.

But still, there's also some beauty in it in my opinion. Like I said, on usual weekdays I forget about my own inner strength, it's just something I don't think of.

However, on said bad days, it's pushed back into my mind.

I used to always let the emptiness fill me up on these days, indulging in it, feeling it up to my fingertips. A way out? Not possible.

Today, whenever I'm feeling down or sad, I am indeed still sad - because you need to feel the pain in order to heal - but at the same time I almost always immediately remember: "Hey, this feeling will pass again. There will be better days again. Don't give up yet. There's still so much beauty to see. So many amazing people to meet. So many emotions to be felt.". And even though that doesn't make all the bad feelings just fade away, it reminds me of my strength. I got through so many rainy days. I will get through this one, too. I will get up tomorrow, and make the best of the day. Because it CAN be a good day again, I WILL be able to laugh and to smile again. I just have to open myself up to it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is the medicine to all your problems, especially if you have an mental illness. But a bit of optimism in some situations of your life doesn't hurt. It actually clears the way for some of the best memories you'll ever make.

And when you get back on experiencing more and more brighter days again, you may stop and look around and realize you actually found a life of your own along the way.

xxx Sarah

Have you read Harry Potter? If yes, you probably know all about the infamous invisibility cloak. If not, here's a quick resume.

So Harry Potter is celebrating his first Christmas at Hogwarts when he gets a mysterious gifts from an anonymous giver (which later turns out to be Albus Dumbledore, headmaster at Hogwarts). As he opens the gift, he discovers a cloak which he decides to put on. And just like that, he finds out that this cloak has the power to make him invisible which is really useful for his upcoming adventures as he gets to sneak around places without anyone noticing.

Why I'm talking about this? Well, I found that I'm hiding under one, too. Not like Harry for the purpose of secretly finding things out, no, more to protect myself. Or maybe just because that's how I am.

At school, for example, I'm always quiet, at least in class. And while teachers do in fact ask me questions sometimes, it's not like I'm a huge contribution to their lessons or as if it would bother them that much if I weren't there. Yes, yes of course that's a bit harsh and maybe not entirely true, but I often feel like I'm the student that's barely even noticeable, kind of like a ghost whose existence is okay but not something or someone you'd keep in mind, just cause like, as I said, I'm quiet and therefore fading into the background.

I did not even think about this as much up until I was asking myself why I like my French teacher so much, considering that I've never really had like this number one favorite teacher in my life.

And I figure it's because she chooses to go beyond my invisibility cloak, beyond the wall I put up during class because lessons and participating and all of that still frighten me a lot (something like a traumatic experience I guess that led to this - but I already talked about that). What I mean by that is that she doesn't treat me like an easily breakable person. I mean, I am getting emotional very fast, I'm not denying this in any way. However, it's nice to be treated as a normal person rather than a broken soul.

For instance, she makes as many snark/funny remarks about me as she does about any other person in this class and as crazy as that sounds it makes me feel validated because I'm not excluded from her jokes (which are hilarious by the way).

In addition to that, she doesn't/didn't pressure me into participating in class. Yes, she told me it would help but she never pulled the "if you don't raise your hand your grade will drop drastically"-card, something that every other teacher shoved into my face. And that actually worked. I finally started participating in a subject so that at the end of my first semester she told me that I start to kind of unfreeze and that she thinks I'm able to participate even more. And it made me happy.

Of course there are other reasons why I feel so comfortable in her class, like her sense of humor (which often helped me smile again even if the day was terrible so far) or the fact that she respects every student and tries to understand all of us and she really does a great job at this.

What I want to say with all of this is that it is nice to have places I can put down my invisibility cloak, even if it's not that often at the moment. But I certainly feel like I can push forward from here and someday dump it totally. And then maybe find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Vulnerability.

What do you think of when you read this word?

Weakness? Embarrassment? Wrong?

If yes, don't worry, you're not alone with this. In fact, our society is build up of many, many people (I'm not saying everyone's like that) who think that vulnerability is a flaw that they have to erase out of themselves. That showing emotions is bad. And not only do many prohibit themselves from doing so, no, they also look down on and laugh at people who cry often or don't have that "everything is fine, all the time" smile on their face.

Don't show your hurt. Pretend you don't care. Fake it until you make it. Those are sayings that are so known in our society that we never even question them anymore.

Let me give you a few examples of how this is noticeable.

So, there are a few girls in my grade who are really sensitive. Being like that, they cry a lot, I would even say at least once a week. And people judge them for it. They say "They're crying over nothing" or "They should get over themselves". And although them being emotional over some things might seem to be ridiculous to some of us, that does not mean it's our right to look down on them for it. We don't know what's going on in their lives.

Another example. Last year, one of the students at our school tragically died in an accident during our fall break. When school started again, the first day was a bit different but we still had lessons. Our maths teacher knew the student really well and he was terribly sad over the loss of him. And he started crying. I myself just felt really sorry for him but I was astonished when I talked to a "friend" of mine later who judged him for showing tears, saying that "Men should not cry". Why though? Why should men have to bottle their emotions up, destroying themselves in the process? Why are we so keen on demolishing female stereotypes while at the same time clinging to male stereotypes?

Lastly, in our last French lesson, I immediately noticed that our French teacher was kind of... sad, I think that would describe it best. When I walked home with my friend (who I really like actually but) she told me that she also saw our teacher downtown on Wednesday and that she was sitting in a cafe and crying and said "She also seems to be crying easily and a lot". She didn't even say it in a accusing tone but it immediately came across to me like that. Maybe because since I was little, I was shown by the media that women, nor men should show their tears, at least if they want to seem mature.

Crap, I say.

What's the point of "faking it until you make it"? The only thing that will happen is that you destroy yourself. Because at some time, your emotions will have to blow up and then you aren't capable of handling them anymore because they piled up to a huge mountain of pain.
Taylor Swift once said: "[talking about the song Clean] And it kind of talks about how if you really allow yourself to feel pain, I think maybe it’s easier to get past it. For most people that I’ve known who’ve fought through struggle, a lot them who have really just faced the pain head on have come out OK a lot faster than the ones who just pretended to be in denial of it."

I wish we would take that advice to heart. And I wish we would stop judging people for showing emotions, for being vulnerable. Because in the end, vulnerability is what makes us human the most. And we should not be ashamed to display our feelings.

Maybe vulnerability just helps you to grown and to eventually find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

So this is it. The great two years mark. Wow. If anyone would've ever told me in 2014 I would be able to be content with my life for so long, I would've called them crazy. Me? The overthinker and overworrier? Content for two years? Not falling back into the black hole again? No way.

Yet here I am. Two Years. Writing those words down already feels weird.

One year ago, on this day, I talked about how it all came together. You can find the post here. You can also read up my story here.

Today, however, I wanted to focus on the aspects that have changed in my life. I think it's good to sometimes stop to think about how far you've come and what you achieved. For the sake of this, I started writing things down about a week ago that occurred to me, so that I wouldn't forget anything.

"When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe."

I'm not denying that up to today, I'm still shy, especially when it comes to situations in class (I'll talk about that later). But one thing that has drastically changed is the number of people I have the pleasure of calling my friends.
Often, when I'm walking home with someone or just making jokes in class or someone says or does something that shows that they genuinely care about me, I suddenly start thinking "Wow I'm so grateful for experiencing this.".
This actually happened just today, when I was about to do my presentation in French. You have to know that I am terrified right before talking in front of the class and my whole body is shaking etc. But what happened, and for me it's something I genuinely appreciate, is that people that have become my friends over the past few months, started cheering me on. They were like "Sarah you can do this!" or "Don't be nervous, you'll be great!". And although that didn't stop my hand from shaking, it soothed my soul. These people are supporting me, no matter if I'm not perfect. And that is one of the greatest things I ever got to experience in my life.
And as I said, I get along really well with a lot of people of my grade. Some even invited me to a party! This is truly insane. I'm not at the same level of people I call friends as I was before we moved here. And that is not to say that I'm counting numbers and measuring my self worth by it, but that it shows how far I've come. But I don't want it to be like before. This time I'll be more empathetic and kind and loving. Everyone deserves kindness.

"When the butterflies turned to dust, that covered my whole room."

One thing I just recently noticed is that I care so little about other people's (negative) opinion about me anymore. Once, Taylor said during one of her clean speeches that "you're not the opinion of someone who doesn't know about you or cares about you." and I've really taken this advice to heart. Don't get me wrong, I still notice when people clearly don't like me, but it doesn't clatter up my day or my entire week if they don't. I'm still overthinking a lot but this fear of being rejected by people I barely know has diminished so much that I don't even think about it anymore.

"Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it."

I still have some bad days. They usually happen during my PMS but I don't want to blame all of it on my body because I know that the reasons why I am sad are still valid. My internet best friend (who also reads this blog - hi!) once told me that during bullying, there are certain connections that are formed in our brain and that's why I - and she, too - are sometimes having those down days.
But I'm able to handle it. I either write a blog post or talk about it on tumblr and you guys always cheer me up when I'm down. Another thing I am incredible thankful for,

"I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."

I'm still a bit fed up with what people expect of me. Because I come across as shy as you first get to know me, I sometimes lock myself into that role and act like it because I feel like this is what people WANT to see me be like in some sort of weird way. But I'm getting there, slowly, but I do.
I started participating in French and in English, while I could barely raise my hand not that long ago. And even if no one else besides me sees my process because the steps are so little, I won't stop. And if I'm doubting that, you are one of the first ones to remember me of my worth. Thank you.

"Now that I'm clean, I'll never gonna risk it. I think I am finally clean."

I am fascinated with the line "It was the night things changed; can you see it now?" during Change (hence my tumblr blog title). Because even though two years ago I barely noticed anything had changed, I do now. And I'm incredibly thankful for this journey.

I won't quit. I want to make Taylor and most importantly myself proud.

This is a reminder for each and everyone of you. You are loved and important. You can get through this dark time of your life. The strength has always been within you, even if you can barely recognize the light that's a part of your every fiber being.

Keep going. And trust your heart.

And most importantly, thank you. For liking my posts when I was sad, for sending me messages - anon or not - or for saying that you are proud of me. You are as much of a part of this journey as I am.

And Taylor - never ever stop being you. You are an inspiration for so many people. I will never not love you, I pinky promise.

Finding a life of my own,

xxx Sarah