Find a life of your own.

This feels a little weird to post, not gonna lie, simply because I'm pretty much still in the closet (except for the internet, of course) but I thought about making a post like this for a while now and some of you said they would be interested in it so here I am.

So, hi, in case you did not know, I'm Sarah and I'm bisexual. Or at least I currently identify as bisexual.

I know usually in posts or videos about this kind of topic people usually say the have known since forever but for me it did not happen like that. I mean, looking back, yeah maybe, but I'll get to that later on perhaps.

Being anything other than straight never really occurred to me to be honest as my parents are strictly Christian and therefore don't accept homosexuals. I remember when I was like six, my mum would like complain about this Christian preacher being openly gay and I was like "but where's the problem mum? He just loves who he loves." and my mum was like "No, but being gay is actually a disease that should be cured". And even though she said it, it still never made sense to me why God should love people less because of who they love so I have actually remained supportive of the LGBT community despite various interactions like that.

But, of course, I thought I was straight. I had multiple crushes on boys and by the time I heard about the term "bisexual", I was already pretty settled in that matter. However, about two years ago, I started thinking "But what IF I actually like girls?" but quickly brushed it away because as I said, I hat multiple crushes on guys. Well, technically, from time to time, the thought would still hit me but I always reacted the same, even when, in 11th grade, there were two moments with two different girls that I couldn't stop thinking about.

Then, on the 10th of November (I only know the exact date because it was the day reputation was released) of last year, I was at this party with one of the girls I mentioned in the last sentence. Actually, both were there, but I only interacted with one of them. And at one point we were just standing in this little lobby next to each other, practically all by ourselves and I thought "I wouldn't mind it if you kissed me right now.". I was so shocked by that thought that I quickly pushed it away again, but about a week later, I had a theatre rehearsal with said girl and every time she'd look at me or say something to me, my heart would just go absolutely batshit crazy and I didn't understand what was going on at all.

This state of confusion pretty much held on, with me constantly searching for the girl in every crowd and quite literally relating to the song Gorgeous so hard. Then I just happened to stumble upon this book called Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda and I read it because I saw there was a movie coming out soon and I just remember literally devouring it and on the evening that I finished it feeling absolutely invincible. And I thought "Hey, I think I really do have a crush on this girl, don't I? Does this mean that I'm.... bi?".

You see, I still wasn't sure about the whole thing. What if I told anyone (actually I have told Julia and the controversial pumpkins already but that was something else) that I was bi but then it turned out, after time, that I was just confused and I wasn't actually bi and falsely claimed this label and people would attack me etc etc (basically just my anxiety running wild). But then I found this video on youtube by this girl named Ava Gridley and she talked about how she found out she was bi. And for the first time in my entire journey did I hear someone say "I actually did not always know I was bi" and it felt like a burden was lifted off of my chest because maybe I was normal after all? And the one thing that really stuck out to me was her saying "just wanna tell ya, if you think you're bi then you probably are." and it helped me SO MUCH in terms of accepting myself and who I am.

I know labels ain't shit but I really have this strong urge to fit within a group and I was so glad I finally found a place somewhere.

Of course, looking back there were perhaps some moments which could've indicated this whole thing already but I never really payed attention to those. I recently watched a video of a girl talking about her childhood girl crushes and it made me realize that I loved most of them, too and it made so much more sense to me why I was like literally obsessed with them. Or that girl I met one summer when I was like 9 and we were on this program where we did something like a haunted house and we held hands all the way through it and how I desperately hoped I would see her again whenever I was in town.

The thing is, you don't have to have all the answers yet. Maybe you are still questioning your sexuality, maybe you don't want to label yourself or you do, either is fine, really. You've got a whole life to figure this out and if it changes, don't worry, sexuality is fluid. Perhaps one day I'll say "nope I'm gay" or "nope I'm straight" and that's fine, too. Don't limit yourself. And don't worry if you find out later in life than most people. That doesn't make your sexuality less real or valid.

And, if you're still in the closet like I mostly am, please remember that you are loved and someday you will find the strength to be who you actually are and find people who accept you no matter who you love. And that safety and the feeling of complete acceptance will be the best thing in the world.

Until then, I wish you good luck on the way of finding a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

Hey there. It's been a while since I've posted on here, maybe because my inspiration level was on a constant low for the past few months or maybe also because I knew subjects to talk about but didn't know how to phrase it.

But anyways, here I am, once again (in my head I just sang this like the Victorious theme song lol), talking about something that I thought about a lot before falling asleep yesterday.

So, as you might know, I love this book called The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and in it, there's this quote which goes like this "We accept the love we think we deserve". And I honestly truly believe this is true, as when you think you don't deserve love, you are more eager to accept the love from someone who does not and will never treat you right. I could honestly write a whole essay about this phenomenon because I've watched it happen to quite a few friends but that's not the topic of today's blog post.

Yesterday, I started thinking about all the people I sort of had a crush on these past few years and tried to tie them together somehow and I realize that at least on the men's side I fell for people who were either completely unattainable or turned out to be complete douchebags but I kept running after them just because they once showed some sort of interest in me. And then I thought of Lara Jean (from To All The Boys I've Loved Before) again and how she kept on falling for people that were totally out of her reach and she later realized she did it to save herself the heartache.

And perhaps I, unconciously, do that, too. I'm already a person who finds it very difficult to open up completely to others. On the internet that's no biggie, since I most likely will never meet the people who read my posts in real life. But, even regarding my closest friends, I keep things at bay from them. Maybe that's because I find it extremely difficult to voice my feelings in any sort of form verbally but also because I'm afraid they will somehow see me in a different way and - maybe even - won't like me anymore. And so this has kind of transferred into my romantic-relationship-attemps, too. I hold unrealistically high standards against every boy or girl I ever meet and if one aspect doesn't match up, I'm already like "I'm outta here" without giving even giving them a second try.

And I think this is probably because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again since in the past my vulnerabilities have been used against me or were laughed at. But is it really wise to let this ghost keep on haunting me? Won't I miss out on real friendships and real understanding from other and also eventually from real love? Isn't it better to get hurt than to ever have a chance at real happiness, ever?

I know I don't really offer any solution here but I just needed to get these thoughts out, write them down, structure them. And perhaps the initiate process of thinking will help me find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

So. Three years. THREE YEARS. Typing it out alone sounds crazy. I can't believe I'm still on this way. One year felt unbelievable. Two years even more so (the links will lead you to my posts back then). But now I'm at three. And as weird as it feels, it feels also really amazing. Like a reason to be so proud of yourself.

I think I want to continue what I started last year, which is to look back at all that has changed this past year (I actually made another list just like an hour ago because I really didn't have the time to think about it that much up until today because of school and all).

My castle crumbled over night, I brought a knife to a gunfight, they took the crown but it's alright.

A lot of things have changed for the better.

Last year, I was just starting to participate in class, and I would not say I did it more frequently in every subject, but certainly in my French class and I actually got an A for participation this semester which is INSANE, considering that the last time I rightfully got an A was in like 7th grade I think. Although my high school time is over now and I never managed to be participating like a lot, a lot, it is alright. I know I have tried everything in my might and then again, three years in terms of evolving yourself are not that much.

Likewise, I have tried to be more vocal about my opinion. I don't think I'll ever be the loudest of the pack but I started to stand my ground quite a few times and I'm proud of myself for that.

I've also started to explore the space outside of my comfort zone. I have been to a couple of parties without completely feeling out of place and I tried to actively take steps to force myself out of it. For example, for our theatre play this year I chose a role that's really different from my actual persona on purpose, just to challenge myself. And it was really a lot of fun and amazing to find out that I can also play a tough and overly confident role if I want to. Generally, I have been trying to participate more, rather than to stay at home alone every day (though I still thoroughly enjoy doing so a lot).

Honesty was also a huge theme this past year. I have been more honest and open with friends, despite my crippling anxiety. I also tried to find out why I am so hesitant to share my honest feelings and I think it is because often times, others made me feel like my feelings aren't valid or that I'm blowing them out of proportion. But I need to realize that not everyone will treat me like that. It's better to share a secret than have it weighing you down until you crack. In addition to that, I've been more honest to myself, for example concerning my sexuality, which was quite difficult and I'm still not entirely there yet, but I'm trying, and perhaps that is enough for right now.

All of this doesn't mean that I never experience sadness or despair anymore. There are dark days, and days when I question myself, especially concerning school due to my graduation year. I have had a time in December when I was stressed out literally every day and likewise cried as much too, just because exams and due dates were really making me feel as if what I'm doing is not enough. I also barely had any time for myself anymore, which is actually crucial for my happiness as I am an introvert.

At the moment, I also find it quite difficult to express my love for others. Maybe that is because studying has me so self-focused that I'm sometimes losing sight of the people I love. I also find it harder to own up to mistakes in the way of just telling the other person "I'm sorry" (but I try to make it up through acts of kindness). I really want to change in that regard again.

I also still struggle with my face just randomly looking like a tomato and lots of people still completely can't grasp my persona but hey - who cares if the people who make no effort in trying to understand you don't? (but I still need to learn to accept attention in a healthy way, I guess)

To come back to the brighter side again, love-wise I've really been trying to recognize my self-worth and only surround myself with people who treat me right and not like a disposable toy (yes, I'm looking at you, guy from my summer job). And it feels really good actually. It kind of helps to remind myself of "We accept the love we think we deserve" and how each and everyone deserves the best.

My friends are also helping me with that. While I have actually lost contact to a few of them, I have grown closer with people I never thought I'd grow that close to. And I'm so thankful for their love and how they care for me although I don't always deserve it, regarding the way I sometimes forget to take care of our friendship.

Which brings me to you guys. I just want you to know that I still appreciate every single message or reply or like anyone of you ever sends my way when I'm just posting about my sadness on tumblr for example. I mentioned it before but I want to emphasize it again, so many of you are the reason why I am where I am today. And I will never, ever forget about that.

I hope you also never forget that you deserve the best. You deserve all the light in the world, friends who understand you and love. Sometimes it might feel like no one cares for you but that is really not true. I promise you. It cannot, and will not rain forever. I pinky promise. Life moves on. And someday you will be able to do that, too. Keep going. Please.

And at my role model and biggest inspiration Taylor Swift: I love you. You have shown me time and time again that you have to fight, you have to keep going and someday you'll make it to the sunnier side and it will all be worth it. Thank you for helping the little, terrified 14-year-old me believe in life and all its beauty again. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Please know that I would never leave your side.

I hope everyone gets a chance to find a life of their own.

I'm doing better than I ever was.

xxx Sarah

It's been awhile since I posted on here again. I was quite busy actually due to my high school finals but because there's a tiny break at the moment I had the time to think about a lot of things again.

Anyways, I had the idea for this post for like months but I either didn't have the time or just felt like I'm not an expert on this topic, but today I was like, screw it. There's still the possibility that this helps anyone of you out.

So, quick recap, in 2014, when I finally switched classes, I was a terribly shy and socially awkward person with barely any real friends in my grade, let alone in my hometown (I was close with like one girl who used to be in my class but wasn't anymore). Well, technically, I still am that sort of person but I found ways to work around it without having to change my whole persona completely and forcing myself to do things that would make me extremely uncomfortable (such as trying to draw as much attention to myself as possible).

As of today, I have a bunch of acquaintances - something that isn't bad per se because they make school less lonelier - but also found some people I would definitely consider friends. This what helped me:

Ground rule: Be kind to people. And try to stay true to yourself.
I know, I know, you're probably tired of hearing this but from my own experience I can confirm that it really goes a long way. People notice it when you radiate kindness and it will eventually draw the right people to you. (and I promise you don't have to be the most outgoing person ever - I am not myself)

tip no. 1: sit down next to new people
It's as easy as it sounds. Or perhaps you consider this step as difficult but it actually isn't. When I switched my arts class at the beginning of 11th grade, I found myself in a class where I really didn't know anyone well at all. Not even really acquaintance-wise. But there was this girl who was close friends with that one friend I had in 2014 and I always kinda admired her from afar, because she was so confident but also like really nice. So when I entered the class room on my first day I saw her sat down near the front of the room with an empty space next to her and I just went "Hey, would you mind if I sit next to you?" and sat down and that kinda was the initial step that sparked our friendship. Funnily enough, a couple of months ago said friend brought up that exact moment to another girl and was like "Just sit down next to someone! That's how Sarah and I became friends!" and it made me really happy to be honest. (this tip also applies to lunch rooms and anything similar to that)

tip no. 2: join a club
When I joined our school's drama club I actually did it - besides the fact that acting is a passion of mine - because I felt like it would push me out of comfort zone more while also being something that I love. That doesn't have to be acting - it can also be something like a debating club or - if public speaking scares you - a sports club or even something small as a book club. It doesn't matter but the point of this tip is that you'll meet people there who also like the same things as you, as they joined that club, too. Of course you will not get along with each and everyone of them but perhaps some of them, and isn't that enough?

tip no. 3: take part in conversations
Now, this is where it gets more difficult for people as painfully shy as me. But as always, do baby steps: Maybe you're now sitting next to people you like and they talk to their friends and you overhear them mentioning a book you read or perhaps a musician you like. Try to join the conversation with perhaps "Oh, I adore that book!" or "Have you listened to *song of that musician*?". Another perk of this: You'll find out if you have similar interests and hence know great conversation starters.

tip no. 4: sit down next to them on the bus. or if you walk in a similar direction home, ask if you can accompany them.
I actually live quite close to school but I still walk every morning. This resulted in many confused stares and people asking "Why aren't you riding your bike? That would be so much faster!". And while, yes, it would be, the reason why I'm not doing it is that this way I can walk home with my friends. And you actually get to know a person much better outside of the scheme of school. Also: If you find that they are not your type of person, you know that your conversation is limited time-wise, so you'll eventually escape it. (better than meeting up and not knowing when it will be over)

tip no. 5: help other people out
That kinda goes along with the ground rule. My grades in school are generally very good and I find it to be easy to understand our curriculum. Often times, people would come up to me like "Hey, can you please explain this to me? I don't get it at all" so that's what I did.
Actually, the one of the first friends I made in my new class in 2014 was because I a) asked her if I could sit down next to her in French. After our first French lesson of the year, when I was about to go home, she was like "Can I have your phone number? French is not that easy for me and that way you could perhaps help me out with today's homework". So that's what we did.
Another friend of mine mentioned this exact thing to me last year as one of the main reasons why she likes me so much. And you are more or less able to stay within the boundaries of your comfort zone.

Finally, I want to point out that of course it was not only my efforts that established these friendships. I also met some incredibly kind people who wanted to be friends with me themselves and put in a lot of effort in getting to know me, so these tips are perhaps nothing more than a starter for you. But maybe try it out if it works for you, too. And if you fail - don't worry, the right people WILL find you. I pinky promise. You will find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

Well, hello there. Long time, no see, right? I'm sorry for the lack of posts on this blog in the past three months. It's not that I don't have any thoughts to write down (though well... sometimes I really don't), but more that amidst all this school and finals mess I'm currently in, I barely find any time to do what I like, e.g. posting on here.

Anyway, I just wanted to study for Maths but of course instead of doing so, I started procrastinating and then I started thinking about my past again, as like, always.

As you might know, I have been bullied in 2014 for something I did not actually do, but a friend of mine did and I wanted to protect her. Well, I looked back at that day when people finally found out that I was being bullied for no reason whatsoever as I did nothing wrong.

And what has really struck me, is that instead of telling the bullies "What you did was wrong and despicable", our entire grade simply turned on my friend instead of me. And to be honest, if you observe the treatment she still receives in our grade, that still has not change.

When it first happened I was so MAD because here I was, a person destroyed by relentless bullying and you can SEE how much it has impacted me and instead of owning up to their mistakes, their wrong behavior, they think the next step is to find a new victim and that's just wrong on so many levels.

But I guess that's just a part of being a part of the mob mentality. It is far easier to turn onto one single person, than on an entire group of people, right? Maybe through doing so, we can deny that we ever did anything wrong (that's how I imagine their thought process). And even the people who just quietly let it happen cannot escape, because: What if their old friends will turn on them, too?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly a person who separates themselves from the "mainstream" on purpose. But this is just a common sense issue. If your mob mentality is physically and mentally HURTING people, then it's just logical to question its limits, you know what I mean?

I don't know, maybe this will change one day, maybe it won't, but I sure hope it does. Give everyone a chance to live a life of their own, please.

xxx Sarah

About a year ago, I made this post, "2016 and New Year's Resolutions". I recalled it again as 2017 is slowly coming to an end.

My resolution was to find a way to be happy without having some sort of love interest. And that I'm able to overcome my fears and start being brave. Have I achieved my goal? I'll tell you at the end of this post, but first off I think it'd be good to have a quick recap of this year.

1. Family
Not much has changed compared to last year. My brother is still in therapy, and now, towards the end of this year, my grandpa is doing worse again. He's just constantly in pain and I understand his wish to let go of his life as he has lived a really long and beautiful life indeed.

I'm sometimes struggling with my family. I feel like everyone places their expectations on me and that just adds up to my internalized fear of never being good enough. I'll also never be okay with the fact that my parents are still kinda homophobic. Well, we haven't particularly talked about this topic since I was like five but I know they were outraged when our parliament voted for marriage equality here in Germany.

Oh, on the brighter side though, my half brother married and the marriage was beautiful (he even cried a bit which I've never seen happening before). I guess I officially got two sisters now.

2. Friends
At the end of 2016 I talked about how I was starting to find a really good group of friends and how I was hoping the friendship would last.

It did.

I got so close with so many people this year. They went to our theatre performance for me. They defend me. They care for my feelings. They don't treat me any different just because of my past.

I got drunk for the first (and probably for now the last) time ever. They were on my side. They supported me, even people that I personally barely talk to.

One of my friends keeps up with Taylor Swift news for me. She watches the music videos as soon as they came out and whenever she saw me posting about a new song being released off of reputation, she immediately listened to it. She was also the one who came up with the idea to choose LWYMMD as the song for our choreography in our PE class. She's pretty upfront and honest but at least you know that if she likes you, she really DOES like you.

Another great group of people are the people in my theatre group. We experienced so much together this year, all these weekends spent together rehearsing and not to forget our three performances, which probably are the reason why I bonded with quite a few of them. It's literally never boring when I'm with them and we had so much fun last school year, that I'm a part of our theatre group again, despite it being my senior year at high school.

I attended my first party this year. It was insane to me that people actually wanted ME to come, like that they genuinely liked me enough to invite me. And although I had my doubts about actually going, it was so much fun and I realized sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone pays off.

There were many more small moments like this that made me feel so loved. A peer driving me home after every single tennis training. A friend telling me she thinks I'm really caring about others. Hugs that lasted for what felt like a life time and that led us dancing around the room in pirouettes. Someone telling me I deserve to rest. Spending two hours eating ice cream and talking with my theatre group during summer break. Spending my birthday eating ice cream again and just talking for three hours straight.

I know I got worse again towards the end of the year. I know I neglected some friends for which I'm really sorry for. But I'm here again. I feel alive again. And I will try to fix what still can be fixed.

To end this point, I've met Julia in October. First off, her hugs are amazing but in addition to that we had so much fun trash-talking boys, discussing Taylor and the music industry with people in line for the Madeline Juno concert. And of course singing and dancing until our feet hurt. Julia, if you're reading this, I cannot wait to meet you again next year. I love you.

3. Love
Towards the beginning of the year, I tried to stay true to my resolution to try to stop looking for someone new to fall in love with. And to learn how to talk with boys normally. The second aspect eventually worked out but of course although I wasn't crushing on anyone really, I kept feeling like I was missing out by not being in a relationship with someone, especially since my closest friends all have a boyfriend.

In summer, at my summer job, I met this guy. He was tall and good looking and on top of that seemed really kind. And as unbelievable as it was to me, he actually enjoyed talking to me and getting to know me. I started feeling as if this was my chance. Maybe this time it would work out. It didn't though. And as much heartbreak I felt because of it, it truly brought me close to my goal than ever. Amidst this mess I realized, "Hey, I don't need a boyfriend. I've got amazing friends and I enjoy focusing on them and my education. I don't need him to fulfill me". A quiet realization inside of me. And though I continued to feel bad for quite a while and I couldn't truly escape the hole until two weeks ago, I feel like it's powerful. And I'm proud of myself.

4. General state of mind
About this time last year, I started raising my hand in my French and English class. And especially in French I'd say my participation has increased even more. Partly because of my French teacher (get you a teacher who supports your being as a Taylor Swift fangirl), partly because of myself I guess. I find the atmosphere of lessons to be less... devastating I guess. At one point during a lesson she even said "Not only Sarah should know the answers, you should, too!" and it made me feel so happy because it has been YEARS since a teacher actually complained about me raising my hand too many times compared to the others.

The past few months, however, the rate of my participation has diminished a bit again. Not because I was feeling afraid again but rather because I was so caught up in my sadness added on top of my stress because of exam time and senior year that I just didn't feel like talking in class was something I could do. And it wasn't on my mind, either, honestly.

I have this bad habit of piling my problems upon on myself as it's really hard for me to share my struggles with others. I guess this has to do with my past, too but anyways, I often feel like my feelings are a burden and keep them to myself which isn't healthy, at all. I'm trying to work on it though. I talked to Julia not that long ago and that already made me feel so much better.

Where am I heading? I truly don't know. There's this girl in my theatre group I really like but I don't know where that will lead to. 2018 is also the year I'll be graduating from high school and though I'm not as scared of it as I was at the beginning of this year, I still don't know - for the most part at least - what I'll be doing this time next year. Who will I be? Will I manage to stay in touch with at least some of my friends from school? Will I finally have a small plan?

All I know is that I did indeed achieve my resolutions. And I don't know, for next year, as I know how hard it will be anyways, I just hope I'll end up being happy with myself and my choices. No matter where they'll take me.

Continuing on the wild journey of finding a life of my own,

xxx Sarah

I was at my theatre rehearsal Friday afternoon and we did this sort of game but then again not. Now, I don't wanna dive head-deep into theatre theories and all that stuff but it's basically how generally there are four types of people: water, earth, fire and air people. And just as the elements, they have certain characteristics e.g. fire is constantly moving and loud etc. and when you play a role, it might help to kind of think about where you would place the character you're playing. Anyways, since we just started rehearsing our new play each one of us had to firstly place themselves where they think their personality fits (I placed myself more in the direction of water but a bit of air too as I'm air type af when it comes to things I'm passionate about). After that, we had to look at another person in our group and say if we think they placed themselves correctly or not. Funnily enough, people said I should move more in the direction of the earth type which tbh and if you really know me is nearly not me at all because a) I cannot keep still at all and b) am never cool or calm but rather just obsessively worrying about everything 24/7. And that kinda got me thinking about our perception of ourselves (as well as other people's perception of US but that's something I don't want to talk about that much in this post).

Today, as you might have seen on my tumblr, I spent some hours listening to old songs I absolutely ADORED during my childhood. Of course there were then also many memories arising and I began, again, to reassess how I view my "old" me (meaning who I was as a child continuing a bit until you-know-what happened in 2014).

And even though I already came to the realization that my childhood wasn't as perfect as I sometimes thought it was in hindsight, there were some new thoughts appearing.

Now I was already a bit the odd one out, I was kinda doing my thing, loving the things I loved and there were countless times (as I now remember) when people gave me shit about it, laughed about me, made fun of me etc. But somehow it never really stopped me from doing what I loved; I did it again and again and again. I didn't CARE what others thought of me because I was having the most fun of my life. And by doing so, I made tons of friends or acquaintances or whatever you want to call it. I guess the appeal was that no matter what happened, I nearly always remained optimistic and kind-hearted and welcoming.

Nowadays it's not as easy for me to just shake criticism or mean words off; they stick in my mind for weeks even MONTHS at times. And I'm wondering how that new me that is currently still evolving can newly learn that vulnerability and being yourself is okay and look at herself with full love again.

I'm still learning. And maybe it's good to reevaluate situations and moments and memories from time to time just to learn more about yourself and widen that limited perception about the person you are. And maybe if you are getting so sure about who you are as a person, other people's different perception won't bother you as much anymore as you know who you REALLY are.

Wishing you good luck on finding a way to perceive yourself correctly and hoping then you'll find a life of your own,

xxx Sarah