Find a life of your own.

I was at home today during my break between English and Maths and I wanted to leave in five minutes so I didn't know what I was supposed to start doing for that small fraction of time. So naturally, I decided to scroll down my dash on tumblr for a bit when I came across this post.

One of the most vivid memories my mum likes to tell people is that time when I was maybe around five, standing at the edge of the little "balcony" back in my old hometown, wearing my costume fairy wings, ready to jump and fly. When my mum came into my room and found me there, I asked her if I was able to fly and when she said no, I was so sad as - although I only remember that day vaguely - I really thought I could soar off into the sky, like I had this feeling deep inside me that all I would have to do is trust in that.

I was a kid that was pretty obsessed with fairies. My favorite TV show at that time was "Winx" and just as my favorite character Bloom I wanted to fly and see the world from above so when I got an injection at my doctor and he told me to think of something good, I imagined myself soaring above forests, all along with my friends from that show.

Today, I - of course - know that magic like fairies or wizards are and invention of human-kind.

However, I still believe that there's magic around us, but we have just grown to be too cynical to realize it.

Magic occurs when two people meet each other and feel this bond right away without even saying a single word - no matter if it ends up in a friendship or a relationship.

We get a fleeting glimpse of magic every time we are so happy that our cheeks blush and our smile literally goes from one ear to another.

It is truly magical when we find that we saved ourselves from the dark, that we are finally clean. And that we are capable of so, so much.

We find magic when we're beginning to learn how to love ourselves.

Call me a hopeless romantic but I think it's important that we see this magic from time to time, even and maybe especially when we think it is gone or has never existed at all, in order to truly find a life of our own.

xxx Sarah

I think the most fun and interesting part about life is how you sometimes cross paths with certain people, not knowing how much they gonna change your view on the world or your feelings towards yourself. I have come across quite a few so far and I'm grateful for that each and every day. However, one of the people who's been in my life the longest so far, is Taylor Alison Swift.

To be quite honest, it's not a coincidence I decided to post about my undying love for her exactly today. In fact, she reblogged something from my tumblr blog just today and made me realize again how much I adore her as she and her music have always been there in my darkest times, a gentle reminder that everything will be okay.

It all started out when I discovered I Knew You Were Trouble in 2012. At that time, I had a huge crush on a boy who didn't even know I existed. I felt so sad and lonely and heartbroken but then I discovered RED and I felt like someone finally understood my feelings although I myself have never been in a relationship.

So when I got hurt again and again and again by this person, the only thing that was constant in my life was Taylor's music and the reassurance that I am not alone.

As you might know, I was bullied in 2014 and when Taylor released 1989, I just switched class but I was still confused and depressed, I just didn't know how to find a way to myself again and if that's even possible. Even more than that, I felt like the rumors followed me everywhere. So naturally, when I read the lines "I hope you know that who you are is who you choose to be and that whispers behind your back don't define you. You are the only one who gets to decide what you will be remembered for.", I felt like once again she has spoken right to my heart, knowing exactly what I'm going through.

That day I first became obsessed with the song Clean and I was so fascinated by the fact that someone could go through so much pain but still get out of it as a better person. Mind you, I didn't quite believe that was something I could achieve but it still made me happy.

So the months passed by, and I was feeling as miserable as always when the 1989 tour in Tokyo started and I was excitedly scrolling through my dash, looking forward to all that I would experience in June. Suddenly I read this long text quote, something that was called the Clean Speech from then on and once again, Taylor found a way to speak right to my heart while not belittling my pain but rather saying that it is possible even for me to overcome it.

I think it’s probably very possible that a lot of you have experienced a lot of rainy days that never really got brighter, or maybe you fell in love with a person or something that was bad for you and you couldn’t quit it, maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose, maybe you lost yourself. That’s even worse. When you have bad days that just won’t let up, I just hope that you will look in the mirror and remind yourself of what you are and what you are not.
You are not your mistakes.
You are not damaged goods or money from your failed explorations.
You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you.
You are a product of the lessons that you’ve learned.
You are wiser because you went through something terrible.
And you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking.

2016 came to an end just yesterday (or today, depends how you think of it) and I was partying with my bff and some of her friends. It was a really fun night and five minutes before the clock hit midnight here, we put on our shoes and jackets and gloves 'cause it was freezing cold and we went outside to clink glasses and to shoot some fireworks ourselves.

Now, you have to know that my bff lives pretty close to downtown and every year the town she lives in puts on a huge firework show when the new year starts. We usually don't go there because it's high-key likely that you get hit by firework but you have a great sight just from her house as well.

So we started shooting our fireworks up into the air and for a few minutes, I was completely stuck with looking at just the light that we produced which was surely not bad at all but not very good either.

But then, just for one second, I turned my head around and I was awestruck by the firework that was just a few meters away from us. As the fireworks hit the sky, making it look like a thousand shooting stars were shooting down the earth, I suddenly started wondering if our life is similar to just that one single situation.

Maybe we, as humans, are too concerned with looking at the bad that happens around us, thinking this could never get any better while at the same time, we'd miss out on even greater things, too stuck in what seems the obvious.

For example, as I said in my next-to-last post, I'm a person filled with anxieties, all because of the fact that I don't want to be bad at anything.

So I can have a pretty normal or even a good day but then I say something wrong in class or someone criticizes me and suddenly all the good feelings are forgotten and I just sit there, thinking how miserable my life is. And I don't even care, if my friends are extremely nice to me that day or if I have a great conversation with someone or if I feel accepted for a second, in my head it already is a bad day and nothing could ever change that again.

So perhaps, when we're feeling sad or depressed again, sometimes we just have to take a closer look and appreciate all the good things that surround us, all the love and the kindness.

I'll try to remember that moment at midnight on the first day of January and maybe try to reconsider if it really was a bad day after all, maybe that will help me find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah