My first reaction was "Omg yes that is so me! Finally someone who put it into words!" but then I scrolled down further and saw that this fear is actually something somewhat scientifically proven and it's called the Imposter Syndrome. I then proceeded to read through some articles when I got home again and I thought maybe this topic is something that interests you 'cause I got the feeling that it affects more people than you'd think it does.

So what is the Impostor Syndrome?

Basically it's the fear that although you have experienced many successes, you think someone will eventually find out that you're not as smart as everyone claims you are. You might even tend to say your successes are a result of your really good preparation or even luck and not of your own abilities and you believe in it over a longer period of time, not just a few weeks. It's something that is most common among women because of a difference in education. Boys, on the one hand, learn to blame so called external factors for their failures, e.g. bad luck and internal factors for their successes, e.g. own abilities and intelligence. Girls however, learn to search the fault for their failures in themselves so if they didn't do good in a test, they may think they are dumb or a common phrase might be "I just can't do it!". When they achieve something, they tend to say that it's not because of their own abilities and try to belittle their success in some kind of way. But it's not always a gender issue, it also depends on how you were raised, for example if your parents get really angry every time you get a bad grade, you're more likely to be concerned by the Impostor Syndrome.

In what ways does it concern me?

So as I have already said in some posts, I'm an undying perfectionist. It can be useful, that's for sure because I tend to work really hard in order to be as good as I can be but it also means that I put myself under a lot of pressure and I'm often not satisfied although my performance might actually be good.

At school, for example, when I get a somewhat bad grade, like a D in Maths, I blame myself for it. Like "You should have studied more" or "Why haven't you read through that answer again?" "Maybe you're just dumb". 

On the other hand, when I get a good grade like a B or even an A and my friends tell me that I'm really smart, I brush it off saying "No, not really, I'm just good at remembering things" or I say "Yes, but I was just lucky that the right question was asked" although literally every test we have to take doesn't only demand a generally learning-by-heart but also includes thinking on your own and coming up with new ideas (our teacher call it transfer exercises).

It has even gotten to the point that last year, I was one hundred percent convinced I was really dumb but just good at hiding it and someday people will find out and start rejecting me because of it. It got better again but that kind of fear is still silently whispering to me from time to time and then I can't even be happy about a good grade anymore.

What can you do about it?

The most important point is that you realize that you have this fear and that it is irrational. Just knowing that helps you recognize these thoughts so that you can tell yourself "No, this is not what the reality is like. I'm smart and my successes are a result of my abilities not of luck. I am proud of you.". Another thing that was suggested on some websites is keeping a journal of your successes but that is not a must-have, especially if you're just too lazy to write your thoughts down each day 'cause they fill up just too many pages.

I hope that this post helped some of you realize that they're not alone with thoughts like this and that it is possible to handle them. You are incredibly smart and I am proud of you, no matter what. Please remember that. And if you do, you'll maybe find yourself living a life of your very own.

xxx Sarah

(my sources, if you want to look through some articles on your own: 1, 2, 3)