I just got home from my gymnastics class. Today, we had to try out doing a front handspring and we were supposed to try that out on the ground first. So our teacher asks "Who wants to start?" and as always, none of us made a move. So she was like "Oh Sarah! Do you want to try it out?". I did in the end but just because I felt like I had to do it. Then we went on to practice it on the trampoline (while our lesson was already almost over) and again, she asked me to do it. And I don't know, it just kinda caught me off guard as I don't see myself as a really good gymnast actually and half of the lessons I catch myself being like "Oh, I don't think I'm able to do this." or "You are way better at this than I am!".

Another thing that I've noticed lately is that this boy I know may or may not have a crush on me. I'm not saying that he actually does because I'm usually terrible at reading the signs but just the possibility immediately made me think "Oh, he deserves better than me, like this terrible awkward me, that me that seems to always mix things up or does things wrong." instead of going like "Well, I'll just tell him that I don't have any feelings for him if he ever asks me.", something a usual human being would do.

So all of it got me thinking if I still don't see myself as worthy of love or worthy at being one of the best at something.

Don't get me wrong, of course I know that I, like every human on this planet, is worthy of love and joy and happiness. I know this fact. But it's a whole other thing to let it settle in your bones, to feel it with every ounce of your being.

Maybe it all relates back to the time I was bullied. I think that constantly getting the feeling that you're worthless or just experiencing that you're worth nothing more than snickering or whispers changes you forever. You just accepted it as the truth, and getting out of it seems nearly impossible, even when you're feeling better again, when you're finally clean.

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of falling back into that black hole of self-loathing and hate while the brighter side just seems to be hidden. And it's not necessarily because I had a bad day, it actually appears to me more when I'm having a pretty normal day. It's as if the darkness lures beneath my very skin.

And when I get confronted with expectations - which happens a lot because I'm a quite good student - I just feel helpless or like I don't deserve the recognition I'm getting.

For instance, in our last politics exam, I had the best mark of our whole grade. As rewarding as it first feels, it got me panicking shortly after when I realized that our teacher now expects me to do just as well in our next exam (which is in one week). To illustrate that, my thoughts practically look like this "Why does my teacher even like me? I'm not deserving of that. I'm not good at politics, I'm just studying well and then I've got a bit of luck and stuff like in the first exam happen. But I know this luck won't last." (amplified by the feeling that I'm actually dumb).

It sounds wrong, I know. Well, I certainly know that feeling this way is wrong. But that doesn't mean that I'm just able to get better right away. You can't just delete the awareness that you're worthless.

But maybe you can try, step by step. And maybe I'll have climbed this mountain one day. And I'll realize that along the way, I found a life of my own.

xxx Sarah