Find a life of your own.

OK, I have to admit, I occasionally stalk people I know in real life on social media. OKAY, I will also admit that I'm doing it 24/7 at the moment but that has reasons and they will probably fade away soon enough.

Anyways, as I said, I'm currently really checking out what people are liking, especially on instagram. So the other day I was scrolling down this page and I see that a friend of mine liked a text post. Naturally, I click on it (yes, I am a bit annoyingly curious but most of the time I'm just worried whether people I care about are doing okay). I read through it and I think about the text and the person who liked it and I think back and remember certain things I have never talked about but thought are really important to share, so that's what I'm doing today.

To further explain my point, I might have to explain what sort of impression you get of her (my friend) as soon as you meet her. Seeing her, she appears pretty confident. She does not hold back with her opinion, even if it is controversial and she always seems to know where she's headed and what she wants.

So of course you'd guess: How could someone like that be insecure about anything?

The truth is, everyone of us has insecurities. Some of us are just better at hiding them.

It's the same with her. Now, she is/was incredibly nervous when she has/had to give a presentation. Like she'd stumble upon her words and all that and every teacher is usually like "How can a girl who's that confident have so many problems with speaking in front of the class?". I often walk home with her and after a day on which she had to present something, we kinda started talking about this and she was really opened up about all of it (which is really admirable I think!). I don't want to talk about the details even though she doesn't know about this blog, just because I think it is her own right to tell others. But to summarize it, her insecurities display heavily when everyone is watching her talking whereas she usually downplays them/covers them up (by the way: she got really better at this whole thing last school year and I am really proud of her to be honest).

Even more so, it confused me when I saw the post she liked on instagram, speaking about how everyone else is having so much fun in their teenage years while she's just being miserable 24/7. Not surprised because she also had really bad days - I mean we all do. But because she, out of all people, is comparing herself.

Don't get me wrong, I did that myself. But I thought maybe if she was conscious of how actively she is covering up her flaws and insecurities, she would understand that nearly everyone does. Everyone has problems and regrets and cries themselves to sleep sometimes. People just choose which side of them they want to present to the outer world and naturally, it's usually the best because who wouldn't want people to think fondly of them? It's like Taylor said: You see others highlight reel and your own behind-the-scenes and of course you start thinking "oh wow my life must suck". It's not only applicable to the internet, no, it's also something that happens in real life.

I guess what I want to say with all of this is: You're not alone. There are people out there who are going through the same pain, maybe closer to you than you think. And that's beautiful, isn't it? Because those same people will understand you if you reach out for them. They will get what you're going through. And if you haven't found them yet - well, keep searching. You got this. You are never alone.

And if you ever feel like you are, feel free to come to this blog or message me. I hope you know you deserve to find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

Have you ever heard something along the lines of "I would totally date her/him because she's/he's so good looking but her/his character freaks me out"? Even if you did not, you probably still get where I'm coming from.

One of society's main thing to do, is to judge. Whether to look down upon people who do not fit their ideal of "beauty" or in the opposite case, giving others chances as they are good looking and therefore some sort of great recognition label for a company for example. It's a bit like a status symbol. If you look like that and wear those clothes, you'll be respected. If not, get away and search for something else.

This is a bit drastically speaking as a lot of ideals and opinions have changed over the course of the last few years and the sexism both males and females are facing is getting a bit less (though not entirely disappearing).

However, it has always affected me in some kind of way (though not how you might think).

I did indeed have a phase when I was insecure of my body: my legs, my belly, my face. I compared myself all the time. But this was never my main issue somehow. I resolved it a long time ago (speaking of body positivity, something's incoming about that, too soon).

Well, everything is fine you would guess. I am comfortable in my body, I don't think I'm ugly and therefore hating myself.

My issue is a different one though.

I have always been anxious about what people might think about my character. Now, to understand this, I have to go a bit back in time.

There were a lot of occasions during which people made fun of the way I am. And because they did, I started usually lying about this things when meeting new people. Because they could reject me.

I am a huge lover of singing in the car for example. I never held back about it, I even sang when I was driving with friends just because I really really enjoyed it. Until my best friend in second grade said it was weird and you should not do it. So I stopped. I only do it privately now. With my family, that's all. When others burst out their favorite songs, I sit in the corner, smiling awkwardly.

When I was bullied, it was due to a characteristic people thought I had. And it was the worst for me. How do you prove you're different if people don't let you? And somehow along the way I might have decided that it's best to keep certain things to myself.

Recently I also noticed that I only lie if it could affect people's view of me. If they could see me as less perfect or less cool or less funny or less smart. I'm a bit of an egoist in that way. The facade needs to be clean shaved, no bruises or bumps or holes or scars and I'd rather blame someone else for my own mistakes that owning up to them.

Maybe that's also why it hurts me twice as much when I notice that people, especially boys, only like me for my appearance. Like here I am, trying to put my way of being out there and immediately getting rejected as soon as someone gets a glimpse of how crazy I actually am. Like what's the point of looking good if no one ever dares to stay?

I just... I don't know, wish someone would for once see my soul and stay. See it as something flawed but at the same time lovable. See me as a whole human-being and deciding that I'm worth more than some flirty text messages.

But that's the thing with wishes, isn't it? They nearly never come true.

Still confused about trying to find a life of my own,

xxx Sarah