Have you ever heard something along the lines of "I would totally date her/him because she's/he's so good looking but her/his character freaks me out"? Even if you did not, you probably still get where I'm coming from.

One of society's main thing to do, is to judge. Whether to look down upon people who do not fit their ideal of "beauty" or in the opposite case, giving others chances as they are good looking and therefore some sort of great recognition label for a company for example. It's a bit like a status symbol. If you look like that and wear those clothes, you'll be respected. If not, get away and search for something else.

This is a bit drastically speaking as a lot of ideals and opinions have changed over the course of the last few years and the sexism both males and females are facing is getting a bit less (though not entirely disappearing).

However, it has always affected me in some kind of way (though not how you might think).

I did indeed have a phase when I was insecure of my body: my legs, my belly, my face. I compared myself all the time. But this was never my main issue somehow. I resolved it a long time ago (speaking of body positivity, something's incoming about that, too soon).

Well, everything is fine you would guess. I am comfortable in my body, I don't think I'm ugly and therefore hating myself.

My issue is a different one though.

I have always been anxious about what people might think about my character. Now, to understand this, I have to go a bit back in time.

There were a lot of occasions during which people made fun of the way I am. And because they did, I started usually lying about this things when meeting new people. Because they could reject me.

I am a huge lover of singing in the car for example. I never held back about it, I even sang when I was driving with friends just because I really really enjoyed it. Until my best friend in second grade said it was weird and you should not do it. So I stopped. I only do it privately now. With my family, that's all. When others burst out their favorite songs, I sit in the corner, smiling awkwardly.

When I was bullied, it was due to a characteristic people thought I had. And it was the worst for me. How do you prove you're different if people don't let you? And somehow along the way I might have decided that it's best to keep certain things to myself.

Recently I also noticed that I only lie if it could affect people's view of me. If they could see me as less perfect or less cool or less funny or less smart. I'm a bit of an egoist in that way. The facade needs to be clean shaved, no bruises or bumps or holes or scars and I'd rather blame someone else for my own mistakes that owning up to them.

Maybe that's also why it hurts me twice as much when I notice that people, especially boys, only like me for my appearance. Like here I am, trying to put my way of being out there and immediately getting rejected as soon as someone gets a glimpse of how crazy I actually am. Like what's the point of looking good if no one ever dares to stay?

I just... I don't know, wish someone would for once see my soul and stay. See it as something flawed but at the same time lovable. See me as a whole human-being and deciding that I'm worth more than some flirty text messages.

But that's the thing with wishes, isn't it? They nearly never come true.

Still confused about trying to find a life of my own,

xxx Sarah