So only yesterday my best friend was at my house and we played some cards and suddenly got into talking about pain (due to a personal issue of my best friend) and the fact that she's currently avoiding the pain and putting it in a really far away corner of her brain with the result that she nearly forgot telling me about it. I said that I tend to do that a lot with everything I face, pain and problems likewise, but that it always turns out that my feelings will hit me even harder if I don't face them head on, so I'm currently trying to change that.

And it got me into thinking about pain and healing and what the best way to deal with it is.

As I said avoiding it is a bad option; it just makes sure that you carry it with you for much longer, that it tucks on your sleeve daily, just like a ghost. And then it haunts you and haunts you for years to come and while time passes, it's even harder to let go of it (at least in my experience).

I think part of why we don't want to deal with wounds head-on is because of course we're afraid of the pain but I also think that it brings a sense of vulnerability with it as you still have to go outside and do stuff and others will probably notice and then think you're weak or overly sensitive.

Nevertheless, as much as we are afraid of opening up to others and letting them see our hurt and our weakness, I think it  is important to talk about it. Yes, this may sound cliche and it also bringsa lot of fears and risks with it but here's what I've found: Part of the reason why I'm clean today (besides Taylor) is that I opened up about my genuine feelings about this whole situation in 2014 to a friend. I let her in on this not so nice side about myself that would surely repel a whole lot of other people but it helped. It made the hurt feel less significant, as if it was bearable and also it was a huge relief to be able to just message someone whenever I had a bad day and they would understand me, they would understand a bit how my mind works and maybe help me find ways to calm it down again.

Apart from that, and maybe most importantly, healing takes time. Don't beat yourself up 'cause you had a few bad days when you just decided it would get better.

Think of it like a really wound. Imagine you have cut your finger badly and it is bleeding. You're putting a band-aid on it to let it heal but maybe from time to time the injury breaks up and there's blood all over your hand and it looks really ugly but you know you can still continue mending it with another band-aid. And just as time passes, the cut will heal, eventually. But you have to be patient with it.

It's the same with pain. You may have some days or weeks when everything is feeling terrible again but you're moving and I will promise you, you will heal. It's an unavoidable consequence.

And maybe at the end of it all, you'll find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah