Find a life of your own.

So. Three years. THREE YEARS. Typing it out alone sounds crazy. I can't believe I'm still on this way. One year felt unbelievable. Two years even more so (the links will lead you to my posts back then). But now I'm at three. And as weird as it feels, it feels also really amazing. Like a reason to be so proud of yourself.

I think I want to continue what I started last year, which is to look back at all that has changed this past year (I actually made another list just like an hour ago because I really didn't have the time to think about it that much up until today because of school and all).

My castle crumbled over night, I brought a knife to a gunfight, they took the crown but it's alright.

A lot of things have changed for the better.

Last year, I was just starting to participate in class, and I would not say I did it more frequently in every subject, but certainly in my French class and I actually got an A for participation this semester which is INSANE, considering that the last time I rightfully got an A was in like 7th grade I think. Although my high school time is over now and I never managed to be participating like a lot, a lot, it is alright. I know I have tried everything in my might and then again, three years in terms of evolving yourself are not that much.

Likewise, I have tried to be more vocal about my opinion. I don't think I'll ever be the loudest of the pack but I started to stand my ground quite a few times and I'm proud of myself for that.

I've also started to explore the space outside of my comfort zone. I have been to a couple of parties without completely feeling out of place and I tried to actively take steps to force myself out of it. For example, for our theatre play this year I chose a role that's really different from my actual persona on purpose, just to challenge myself. And it was really a lot of fun and amazing to find out that I can also play a tough and overly confident role if I want to. Generally, I have been trying to participate more, rather than to stay at home alone every day (though I still thoroughly enjoy doing so a lot).

Honesty was also a huge theme this past year. I have been more honest and open with friends, despite my crippling anxiety. I also tried to find out why I am so hesitant to share my honest feelings and I think it is because often times, others made me feel like my feelings aren't valid or that I'm blowing them out of proportion. But I need to realize that not everyone will treat me like that. It's better to share a secret than have it weighing you down until you crack. In addition to that, I've been more honest to myself, for example concerning my sexuality, which was quite difficult and I'm still not entirely there yet, but I'm trying, and perhaps that is enough for right now.

All of this doesn't mean that I never experience sadness or despair anymore. There are dark days, and days when I question myself, especially concerning school due to my graduation year. I have had a time in December when I was stressed out literally every day and likewise cried as much too, just because exams and due dates were really making me feel as if what I'm doing is not enough. I also barely had any time for myself anymore, which is actually crucial for my happiness as I am an introvert.

At the moment, I also find it quite difficult to express my love for others. Maybe that is because studying has me so self-focused that I'm sometimes losing sight of the people I love. I also find it harder to own up to mistakes in the way of just telling the other person "I'm sorry" (but I try to make it up through acts of kindness). I really want to change in that regard again.

I also still struggle with my face just randomly looking like a tomato and lots of people still completely can't grasp my persona but hey - who cares if the people who make no effort in trying to understand you don't? (but I still need to learn to accept attention in a healthy way, I guess)

To come back to the brighter side again, love-wise I've really been trying to recognize my self-worth and only surround myself with people who treat me right and not like a disposable toy (yes, I'm looking at you, guy from my summer job). And it feels really good actually. It kind of helps to remind myself of "We accept the love we think we deserve" and how each and everyone deserves the best.

My friends are also helping me with that. While I have actually lost contact to a few of them, I have grown closer with people I never thought I'd grow that close to. And I'm so thankful for their love and how they care for me although I don't always deserve it, regarding the way I sometimes forget to take care of our friendship.

Which brings me to you guys. I just want you to know that I still appreciate every single message or reply or like anyone of you ever sends my way when I'm just posting about my sadness on tumblr for example. I mentioned it before but I want to emphasize it again, so many of you are the reason why I am where I am today. And I will never, ever forget about that.

I hope you also never forget that you deserve the best. You deserve all the light in the world, friends who understand you and love. Sometimes it might feel like no one cares for you but that is really not true. I promise you. It cannot, and will not rain forever. I pinky promise. Life moves on. And someday you will be able to do that, too. Keep going. Please.

And at my role model and biggest inspiration Taylor Swift: I love you. You have shown me time and time again that you have to fight, you have to keep going and someday you'll make it to the sunnier side and it will all be worth it. Thank you for helping the little, terrified 14-year-old me believe in life and all its beauty again. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Please know that I would never leave your side.

I hope everyone gets a chance to find a life of their own.

I'm doing better than I ever was.

xxx Sarah

It's been awhile since I posted on here again. I was quite busy actually due to my high school finals but because there's a tiny break at the moment I had the time to think about a lot of things again.

Anyways, I had the idea for this post for like months but I either didn't have the time or just felt like I'm not an expert on this topic, but today I was like, screw it. There's still the possibility that this helps anyone of you out.

So, quick recap, in 2014, when I finally switched classes, I was a terribly shy and socially awkward person with barely any real friends in my grade, let alone in my hometown (I was close with like one girl who used to be in my class but wasn't anymore). Well, technically, I still am that sort of person but I found ways to work around it without having to change my whole persona completely and forcing myself to do things that would make me extremely uncomfortable (such as trying to draw as much attention to myself as possible).

As of today, I have a bunch of acquaintances - something that isn't bad per se because they make school less lonelier - but also found some people I would definitely consider friends. This what helped me:

Ground rule: Be kind to people. And try to stay true to yourself.
I know, I know, you're probably tired of hearing this but from my own experience I can confirm that it really goes a long way. People notice it when you radiate kindness and it will eventually draw the right people to you. (and I promise you don't have to be the most outgoing person ever - I am not myself)

tip no. 1: sit down next to new people
It's as easy as it sounds. Or perhaps you consider this step as difficult but it actually isn't. When I switched my arts class at the beginning of 11th grade, I found myself in a class where I really didn't know anyone well at all. Not even really acquaintance-wise. But there was this girl who was close friends with that one friend I had in 2014 and I always kinda admired her from afar, because she was so confident but also like really nice. So when I entered the class room on my first day I saw her sat down near the front of the room with an empty space next to her and I just went "Hey, would you mind if I sit next to you?" and sat down and that kinda was the initial step that sparked our friendship. Funnily enough, a couple of months ago said friend brought up that exact moment to another girl and was like "Just sit down next to someone! That's how Sarah and I became friends!" and it made me really happy to be honest. (this tip also applies to lunch rooms and anything similar to that)

tip no. 2: join a club
When I joined our school's drama club I actually did it - besides the fact that acting is a passion of mine - because I felt like it would push me out of comfort zone more while also being something that I love. That doesn't have to be acting - it can also be something like a debating club or - if public speaking scares you - a sports club or even something small as a book club. It doesn't matter but the point of this tip is that you'll meet people there who also like the same things as you, as they joined that club, too. Of course you will not get along with each and everyone of them but perhaps some of them, and isn't that enough?

tip no. 3: take part in conversations
Now, this is where it gets more difficult for people as painfully shy as me. But as always, do baby steps: Maybe you're now sitting next to people you like and they talk to their friends and you overhear them mentioning a book you read or perhaps a musician you like. Try to join the conversation with perhaps "Oh, I adore that book!" or "Have you listened to *song of that musician*?". Another perk of this: You'll find out if you have similar interests and hence know great conversation starters.

tip no. 4: sit down next to them on the bus. or if you walk in a similar direction home, ask if you can accompany them.
I actually live quite close to school but I still walk every morning. This resulted in many confused stares and people asking "Why aren't you riding your bike? That would be so much faster!". And while, yes, it would be, the reason why I'm not doing it is that this way I can walk home with my friends. And you actually get to know a person much better outside of the scheme of school. Also: If you find that they are not your type of person, you know that your conversation is limited time-wise, so you'll eventually escape it. (better than meeting up and not knowing when it will be over)

tip no. 5: help other people out
That kinda goes along with the ground rule. My grades in school are generally very good and I find it to be easy to understand our curriculum. Often times, people would come up to me like "Hey, can you please explain this to me? I don't get it at all" so that's what I did.
Actually, the one of the first friends I made in my new class in 2014 was because I a) asked her if I could sit down next to her in French. After our first French lesson of the year, when I was about to go home, she was like "Can I have your phone number? French is not that easy for me and that way you could perhaps help me out with today's homework". So that's what we did.
Another friend of mine mentioned this exact thing to me last year as one of the main reasons why she likes me so much. And you are more or less able to stay within the boundaries of your comfort zone.

Finally, I want to point out that of course it was not only my efforts that established these friendships. I also met some incredibly kind people who wanted to be friends with me themselves and put in a lot of effort in getting to know me, so these tips are perhaps nothing more than a starter for you. But maybe try it out if it works for you, too. And if you fail - don't worry, the right people WILL find you. I pinky promise. You will find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah