So. Three years. THREE YEARS. Typing it out alone sounds crazy. I can't believe I'm still on this way. One year felt unbelievable. Two years even more so (the links will lead you to my posts back then). But now I'm at three. And as weird as it feels, it feels also really amazing. Like a reason to be so proud of yourself.

I think I want to continue what I started last year, which is to look back at all that has changed this past year (I actually made another list just like an hour ago because I really didn't have the time to think about it that much up until today because of school and all).

My castle crumbled over night, I brought a knife to a gunfight, they took the crown but it's alright.

A lot of things have changed for the better.

Last year, I was just starting to participate in class, and I would not say I did it more frequently in every subject, but certainly in my French class and I actually got an A for participation this semester which is INSANE, considering that the last time I rightfully got an A was in like 7th grade I think. Although my high school time is over now and I never managed to be participating like a lot, a lot, it is alright. I know I have tried everything in my might and then again, three years in terms of evolving yourself are not that much.

Likewise, I have tried to be more vocal about my opinion. I don't think I'll ever be the loudest of the pack but I started to stand my ground quite a few times and I'm proud of myself for that.

I've also started to explore the space outside of my comfort zone. I have been to a couple of parties without completely feeling out of place and I tried to actively take steps to force myself out of it. For example, for our theatre play this year I chose a role that's really different from my actual persona on purpose, just to challenge myself. And it was really a lot of fun and amazing to find out that I can also play a tough and overly confident role if I want to. Generally, I have been trying to participate more, rather than to stay at home alone every day (though I still thoroughly enjoy doing so a lot).

Honesty was also a huge theme this past year. I have been more honest and open with friends, despite my crippling anxiety. I also tried to find out why I am so hesitant to share my honest feelings and I think it is because often times, others made me feel like my feelings aren't valid or that I'm blowing them out of proportion. But I need to realize that not everyone will treat me like that. It's better to share a secret than have it weighing you down until you crack. In addition to that, I've been more honest to myself, for example concerning my sexuality, which was quite difficult and I'm still not entirely there yet, but I'm trying, and perhaps that is enough for right now.

All of this doesn't mean that I never experience sadness or despair anymore. There are dark days, and days when I question myself, especially concerning school due to my graduation year. I have had a time in December when I was stressed out literally every day and likewise cried as much too, just because exams and due dates were really making me feel as if what I'm doing is not enough. I also barely had any time for myself anymore, which is actually crucial for my happiness as I am an introvert.

At the moment, I also find it quite difficult to express my love for others. Maybe that is because studying has me so self-focused that I'm sometimes losing sight of the people I love. I also find it harder to own up to mistakes in the way of just telling the other person "I'm sorry" (but I try to make it up through acts of kindness). I really want to change in that regard again.

I also still struggle with my face just randomly looking like a tomato and lots of people still completely can't grasp my persona but hey - who cares if the people who make no effort in trying to understand you don't? (but I still need to learn to accept attention in a healthy way, I guess)

To come back to the brighter side again, love-wise I've really been trying to recognize my self-worth and only surround myself with people who treat me right and not like a disposable toy (yes, I'm looking at you, guy from my summer job). And it feels really good actually. It kind of helps to remind myself of "We accept the love we think we deserve" and how each and everyone deserves the best.

My friends are also helping me with that. While I have actually lost contact to a few of them, I have grown closer with people I never thought I'd grow that close to. And I'm so thankful for their love and how they care for me although I don't always deserve it, regarding the way I sometimes forget to take care of our friendship.

Which brings me to you guys. I just want you to know that I still appreciate every single message or reply or like anyone of you ever sends my way when I'm just posting about my sadness on tumblr for example. I mentioned it before but I want to emphasize it again, so many of you are the reason why I am where I am today. And I will never, ever forget about that.

I hope you also never forget that you deserve the best. You deserve all the light in the world, friends who understand you and love. Sometimes it might feel like no one cares for you but that is really not true. I promise you. It cannot, and will not rain forever. I pinky promise. Life moves on. And someday you will be able to do that, too. Keep going. Please.

And at my role model and biggest inspiration Taylor Swift: I love you. You have shown me time and time again that you have to fight, you have to keep going and someday you'll make it to the sunnier side and it will all be worth it. Thank you for helping the little, terrified 14-year-old me believe in life and all its beauty again. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Please know that I would never leave your side.

I hope everyone gets a chance to find a life of their own.

I'm doing better than I ever was.

xxx Sarah