Usually I don't make another post as soon after the other but yesterday, after I published my post about loneliness, it hit kind of like a nerve in me and I wondered about a lot of things.

One of it was that suddenly I wasn't wishing for him to text me as much as I did the last month. I also got this feeling in my chest that is hard to swallow but at the same time kind of freeing to be honest.

So I asked myself what happened.

The answer: I most definitely hit a crossroad.

Sometimes you just know when you hit a point where you over the overall depression but starting to move on, I could just feel it somehow.

So you probably know the five stages of grief:
1. Denial and isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I personally believe that this not only applies to us when we've lost someone but also when we experience heartbreak or when we lose ourselves. That was why I applied it to my situation to figure out how this crossroad came to be.

When he first didn't text me back, I was already in stage one: Denial. I told myself HE was the one who wanted to keep in touch with me so he probably just, I don't know, didn't have the time to answer me. And that went on for one month. To be more precisely until Friday last week.
 Day by day I waited by the phone, getting all excited when it vibrated only to be even more depressed when his name didn't light up the phone screen.

As you might now, those stages can mix which is exactly what happened to me. While I was still stuck in the denial phase, I also got into the depression one. I was sad and angry at myself because I wasn't enough again and maybe this is a problem of my personality rather that his, I thought. The emptiness came back lurking into my body and I wasn't able to do anything besides listening to music and watching Gossip Girl.

I also got into bargaining.
"If I had just asked him more questions, then..."
"If I had just talked about something more interesting..."
"What if he had texted right in the morning on my birthday and didn't wait until 11 pm to send me a "Happy Birthday" message?"
I went back and forth on these questions.

What about anger? I didn't exactly feel that way as I am a pretty calm and rarely ever feeling angry person so I never ever once came to the conclusion that it was all his fault. I wanted to, but I just knew it wasn't the truth so in my heart I never really believed it.

And now I think - even if I haven't fully reached it - I'm on my way to acceptance. Accepting that it just wasn't meant to be and that's okay because one day I'll meet the right person and he'll meet the right person and we will both be happy which is more than I can hope for.

So what is the gist, what can you learn from that?
I think sometimes we have to remind ourselves that even if we're feeling hopeless right now and as if we could never emerge from that great big black hole we're in, we'll make it someday and we'll feel okay again and we'll find someone who understands us just as we are when the time is right.

But until then, we should all try to find a life of our own.

xxx Sarah