20biteen really came thru (aka 2019 recap and approaching the new decade)
Welcome back to the annual round of my year recap! Honestly, so many things happened this year that it feels like I've been living three lives in one (funnily enough, that's what I wrote in last year's post as well) and I hope I can somehow narrow it down, I'll try my best!
My New Year's resolution last year was to lie less, but before I come back to that, here is my more detailed recap of the iconic 20biteen:
1) family
Sometime after my grandpa died, I told my mum, half-jokingly, half serious, that I feel like she never listens to anything I ever say and she actually apologized for it - yay! Other than that, I have grown closer to my family in some ways, and further distanced myself in other ways.
My dad's father passed away this May and now we're only "left with" my dad's mum and I've been trying to show her how much I like her, because I found myself regretting a lot of things when my other grandparents died. I also found out a LOT more about our family's history, like stuff my mum for some reason has never told me before (like my dad's parents love story or just like basically the whole abusive relationship my aunt used to be in).
I'm also an aunt now! And just so you know, my niece and my nephew are the cutest little babies to exist, not an ad just facts.
But the biggest aspect what concerns family this year was the fact that I (unfortunately) had to lie a lot. Mainly about attending pride parades or rather pretending I wasn't at them and also more recently about my girlfriend. I hate having to lie so much, but there simply was no way around that (though that may change next year, who knows).
2) friends
If you remember last year's post, I was pretty hurt over a long-term friend simply leaving. (I can't believe this actually happened this year, because it feels so long ago?? But) At the beginning of March, my French class from highschool met up and I saw her again. It was pretty weird for me, especially since she went right up to me and hugged me, as if she didn't make me feel miserable for months on end. But 2018 me was right, time and patience can heal a lot of things. And they did. I haven't actively thought about her for at least four months and honestly, I could care less about her. We don't hold onto the past when the present is so good, now, do we? ;)
I've had so many good times with my friends this year, it's honestly difficult to recall them all, but, as I said, I will try.
My best friend and I have grown even closer ever since I've first came out to her last year, but that feeling intensified this year when she found out she's not straight herself. Ever since then, we've had so many really deep conversations about stuff that we were usually reluctant to share and I'm just so grateful to have her in my life. She's also my biggest supporter when it comes to my sexuality and when she accidentally told her mum about me being bi, her mum said that if I ever choose to out myself in front of my parents, I can count on them in case my parents ever kick me out of the house or do anything similar to that. I will never not be grateful for the support of people, especially since I'm not getting it from my family.
I've also had so many fun times at concerts this year. Josy and I attended both a Maddy and a Troye Sivan concert at the beginning of this year and we honestly had so much fun together and I just adore being concert buddies with her. At the end of this year, we also attended another Maddy concert with Julia and it was one of the best nights ever. The two of them have also consistently had my back ever since they found out I'm bi and they actually held up my pride flag with me at Maddy's concert and it will forever mean so much too me, I don't think I can ever really put it into words.
Apart from that, I've also gotten to know so many incredible people on tumblr this year, people who have sent me the nicest messages and made me smile so often that I have to mention it here. Even though we never met: I love you. And thank you.
3) love
Boy, oh boy, this is where 20biteen really came through.
I ended last year's post by saying that I've become really close friends with my first girl crush but that it's okay the way it is. Up until approximately June that was true, but then things went a path I didn't foresee and actually never thought would happen. It started with us meeting up a lot, like so many times in a short span, and many moments that nearly led to me telling her I once had a crush on her. This then culminated in the middle of August, when she directly confronted me about it and I confessed it to her. Most suprprisingly, her response was that she thinks she used to have feelings for me as well (she had told me a couple of weeks earlier that she thinks she's bi, too). First, we joked it off like "haha timing sucks lmao, too late now anyways" (especially since she would leave for her year abroad in like two weeks) but then she really wanted to know if there was any spark left between us and this then resulted in my first kiss. Afterwards, we unanimously settled on the fact that the feelings have disappeared for both of us and that we're better off as friends but things got really awkward since then. At my birthday, we talked on the phone and she was incredibly rude to me and that was kind of the starting point when I realized how toxic whatever we had was. And I felt so used and ashamed, because I had let a person treat me like shit for two years on the premise that maybe, someday, I might be enough for her and she will like me back. And you don't even notice the damage that does to your mental health until you cut a person like that off and meet someone new.
Because that is what happened. Right after said phone call, I was so mad at my first girl crush, that I signed up for a dating app called HER, purely out of spite (she basically said I suck at all things love-related so that triggered my "I can totally do what you say I can't do" response). I didn't think it would go anywhere to be honest, especially considering the experience I had had with dating apps before. I also had a lowkey highkey crush on a (really hot) girl from an lgbt club at my uni so I was so caught up in that that anything ever happening just seemed completely unlikely to me.
However, one day, a girl swiped right on my picture on said app, and since she seemed to live pretty close by, I figured "why not give it a chance?", at this point just wanting to find more lgbt friends if I'm being honest. I still remember how we quickly got caught up in that usual "how are you?" basic stuff circle when one day she was like "okay let's skip this basic stuff, I hate it, here are some fun facts about me" and I remember thinking to myself that that's so cool, to meet someone who hates small talk as well but also is brave enough to just like bolt it out. What texting with her mostly taught me is that if someone really wants to get to know you, they will make an effort. That doesn't mean that you have to text every minute of every day, but that even if the conversation begins to fade out, the other person makes an effort to revive it. Because they've decided that they want to get to know you. And that was the strangest but also most thrilling feeling, knowing that someone is as invested in you as you are in them. Four weeks after we first messaged each other, we went on our first date (at this point I already liked her so much, especially since I found out that we are so similar in so many ways and since she even seems to get the ways in which we aren't, and does not judge me for it) and it was so magical that we totally forgot that time passed and ended up spending four hours just walking around town talking about our favorite childhood memories and our passions. I'll skip the in between because I don't want this post to get too long but on December 15, we officially became a couple and I'm honestly so happy. She makes my life so much better and it feels like, for the first time, I've met someone who I can trust and who cares about me and my personality more than looks or faces I put on in public.
4) general state of mind
I've actually been doing really, really good this year. I moved out in May, which was absolutely terrifying but benefitted my mental health so much because I didn't have to tiptoe around my parents anymore. I've got a job at book shop, which was also horrifying for me, like the whole process of having to call the store up, introducing myself, having a test day of work and all of that but it allowed me to grow so much and to become more comfortable in who I am. Of course there were hardships but I'm just really proud of how I handled them. And I genuinely think the best is yet to come. No matter what, I will persevere.
5) my favorite moments of 2019
I actually stuck with my resolution of making a list of all the happy moments of this year. Here are my favorite ones:
a) being at Josy's birthday party and singing our favorite songs for like one to two hours
b) attending Troye's concert and confidently screaming yes when he asked if "there are people in this room who are not straight", feeling so accepted for who I am
c) passing all of my first semester's exams with quite good marks!
d) moving out
e) attending my friend's prom and feeling confident, even despite meeting people who treated me like shit in highschool again
f) attending two pride parades, marching the streets while dancing to YMCA and running around with a free hugs sign and receiving so many heartfelt hugs that honestly made me feel whole again
g) getting a job
h) Lover being released
i) meeting my girlfriend<3
j) holding a pride flag with Josy&Julia at Maddy's concert
k) literally any time Taylor has liked any post of mine, especially the ones about my sexuality
So what is my resolution for 2020?
First of all, I should probably answer the question whether I achieved my goal of lying less in 2019. I think when it comes to the truly important people in my life I did. And what that did was make my friendships even profonder and I'm never not grateful for that. I am lucky to have friends who genuinely care about my well-being and don't judge me, no matter what.
When it comes to 2020, I want to build up some self-confidence again. The toxic relationship I was in for so long really made all my insecurites come out again and I want to actively work on feeling better about myself again. I want to be more me than I have ever been, whatever that me is.
So that's it, I guess. Goodbye 20biteen, and hello new decade. I'm thrilled to find out what challenges but also what kind of amazing moments you'll have in store for me. See you soon.
xxx Sarah
My New Year's resolution last year was to lie less, but before I come back to that, here is my more detailed recap of the iconic 20biteen:
1) family
Sometime after my grandpa died, I told my mum, half-jokingly, half serious, that I feel like she never listens to anything I ever say and she actually apologized for it - yay! Other than that, I have grown closer to my family in some ways, and further distanced myself in other ways.
My dad's father passed away this May and now we're only "left with" my dad's mum and I've been trying to show her how much I like her, because I found myself regretting a lot of things when my other grandparents died. I also found out a LOT more about our family's history, like stuff my mum for some reason has never told me before (like my dad's parents love story or just like basically the whole abusive relationship my aunt used to be in).
I'm also an aunt now! And just so you know, my niece and my nephew are the cutest little babies to exist, not an ad just facts.
But the biggest aspect what concerns family this year was the fact that I (unfortunately) had to lie a lot. Mainly about attending pride parades or rather pretending I wasn't at them and also more recently about my girlfriend. I hate having to lie so much, but there simply was no way around that (though that may change next year, who knows).
2) friends
If you remember last year's post, I was pretty hurt over a long-term friend simply leaving. (I can't believe this actually happened this year, because it feels so long ago?? But) At the beginning of March, my French class from highschool met up and I saw her again. It was pretty weird for me, especially since she went right up to me and hugged me, as if she didn't make me feel miserable for months on end. But 2018 me was right, time and patience can heal a lot of things. And they did. I haven't actively thought about her for at least four months and honestly, I could care less about her. We don't hold onto the past when the present is so good, now, do we? ;)
I've had so many good times with my friends this year, it's honestly difficult to recall them all, but, as I said, I will try.
My best friend and I have grown even closer ever since I've first came out to her last year, but that feeling intensified this year when she found out she's not straight herself. Ever since then, we've had so many really deep conversations about stuff that we were usually reluctant to share and I'm just so grateful to have her in my life. She's also my biggest supporter when it comes to my sexuality and when she accidentally told her mum about me being bi, her mum said that if I ever choose to out myself in front of my parents, I can count on them in case my parents ever kick me out of the house or do anything similar to that. I will never not be grateful for the support of people, especially since I'm not getting it from my family.
I've also had so many fun times at concerts this year. Josy and I attended both a Maddy and a Troye Sivan concert at the beginning of this year and we honestly had so much fun together and I just adore being concert buddies with her. At the end of this year, we also attended another Maddy concert with Julia and it was one of the best nights ever. The two of them have also consistently had my back ever since they found out I'm bi and they actually held up my pride flag with me at Maddy's concert and it will forever mean so much too me, I don't think I can ever really put it into words.
Apart from that, I've also gotten to know so many incredible people on tumblr this year, people who have sent me the nicest messages and made me smile so often that I have to mention it here. Even though we never met: I love you. And thank you.
3) love
Boy, oh boy, this is where 20biteen really came through.
I ended last year's post by saying that I've become really close friends with my first girl crush but that it's okay the way it is. Up until approximately June that was true, but then things went a path I didn't foresee and actually never thought would happen. It started with us meeting up a lot, like so many times in a short span, and many moments that nearly led to me telling her I once had a crush on her. This then culminated in the middle of August, when she directly confronted me about it and I confessed it to her. Most suprprisingly, her response was that she thinks she used to have feelings for me as well (she had told me a couple of weeks earlier that she thinks she's bi, too). First, we joked it off like "haha timing sucks lmao, too late now anyways" (especially since she would leave for her year abroad in like two weeks) but then she really wanted to know if there was any spark left between us and this then resulted in my first kiss. Afterwards, we unanimously settled on the fact that the feelings have disappeared for both of us and that we're better off as friends but things got really awkward since then. At my birthday, we talked on the phone and she was incredibly rude to me and that was kind of the starting point when I realized how toxic whatever we had was. And I felt so used and ashamed, because I had let a person treat me like shit for two years on the premise that maybe, someday, I might be enough for her and she will like me back. And you don't even notice the damage that does to your mental health until you cut a person like that off and meet someone new.
Because that is what happened. Right after said phone call, I was so mad at my first girl crush, that I signed up for a dating app called HER, purely out of spite (she basically said I suck at all things love-related so that triggered my "I can totally do what you say I can't do" response). I didn't think it would go anywhere to be honest, especially considering the experience I had had with dating apps before. I also had a lowkey highkey crush on a (really hot) girl from an lgbt club at my uni so I was so caught up in that that anything ever happening just seemed completely unlikely to me.
However, one day, a girl swiped right on my picture on said app, and since she seemed to live pretty close by, I figured "why not give it a chance?", at this point just wanting to find more lgbt friends if I'm being honest. I still remember how we quickly got caught up in that usual "how are you?" basic stuff circle when one day she was like "okay let's skip this basic stuff, I hate it, here are some fun facts about me" and I remember thinking to myself that that's so cool, to meet someone who hates small talk as well but also is brave enough to just like bolt it out. What texting with her mostly taught me is that if someone really wants to get to know you, they will make an effort. That doesn't mean that you have to text every minute of every day, but that even if the conversation begins to fade out, the other person makes an effort to revive it. Because they've decided that they want to get to know you. And that was the strangest but also most thrilling feeling, knowing that someone is as invested in you as you are in them. Four weeks after we first messaged each other, we went on our first date (at this point I already liked her so much, especially since I found out that we are so similar in so many ways and since she even seems to get the ways in which we aren't, and does not judge me for it) and it was so magical that we totally forgot that time passed and ended up spending four hours just walking around town talking about our favorite childhood memories and our passions. I'll skip the in between because I don't want this post to get too long but on December 15, we officially became a couple and I'm honestly so happy. She makes my life so much better and it feels like, for the first time, I've met someone who I can trust and who cares about me and my personality more than looks or faces I put on in public.
4) general state of mind
I've actually been doing really, really good this year. I moved out in May, which was absolutely terrifying but benefitted my mental health so much because I didn't have to tiptoe around my parents anymore. I've got a job at book shop, which was also horrifying for me, like the whole process of having to call the store up, introducing myself, having a test day of work and all of that but it allowed me to grow so much and to become more comfortable in who I am. Of course there were hardships but I'm just really proud of how I handled them. And I genuinely think the best is yet to come. No matter what, I will persevere.
5) my favorite moments of 2019
I actually stuck with my resolution of making a list of all the happy moments of this year. Here are my favorite ones:
a) being at Josy's birthday party and singing our favorite songs for like one to two hours
b) attending Troye's concert and confidently screaming yes when he asked if "there are people in this room who are not straight", feeling so accepted for who I am
c) passing all of my first semester's exams with quite good marks!
d) moving out
e) attending my friend's prom and feeling confident, even despite meeting people who treated me like shit in highschool again
f) attending two pride parades, marching the streets while dancing to YMCA and running around with a free hugs sign and receiving so many heartfelt hugs that honestly made me feel whole again
g) getting a job
h) Lover being released
i) meeting my girlfriend<3
j) holding a pride flag with Josy&Julia at Maddy's concert
k) literally any time Taylor has liked any post of mine, especially the ones about my sexuality
So what is my resolution for 2020?
First of all, I should probably answer the question whether I achieved my goal of lying less in 2019. I think when it comes to the truly important people in my life I did. And what that did was make my friendships even profonder and I'm never not grateful for that. I am lucky to have friends who genuinely care about my well-being and don't judge me, no matter what.
When it comes to 2020, I want to build up some self-confidence again. The toxic relationship I was in for so long really made all my insecurites come out again and I want to actively work on feeling better about myself again. I want to be more me than I have ever been, whatever that me is.
So that's it, I guess. Goodbye 20biteen, and hello new decade. I'm thrilled to find out what challenges but also what kind of amazing moments you'll have in store for me. See you soon.
xxx Sarah
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