"I've been the archer. I've been the prey. 

Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?"

I know I talk about my fears a lot on here. Like a lot a lot. But I don't know, sometimes writing about them makes me feel less alone about it, in a sense. Like I know these posts on here are essentially just shouts into the void but that doesn't make these shouts less meaningful.

Anyways. One thing I apparently love doing is analyzing my failed loves. Why? I don't know. Maybe it makes the heartbreak more tangible in a sense. And I know the people I have had crushes on in the past weren't the nicest people anyway, but I do realize that even if things HAD worked out (like if they had actually liked me, too lol), I WOULD have eventually messed it up. And this isn't about me unrealistically beating myself up about nothing, this is a flaw or an insecurity that is real.

I'm so terrified of people leaving. ESPECIALLY when it comes to love. I don't know, it just seems so scary to me that you could give a person all of you - your darkest secrets, your happy days, your bad days, just everything - and then they could just leave. And there's nothing you could do about it. So when it comes to love, I've been in this weird place of juxtaposition that while at the same time I know that I deserve someone who treats me right, I also sometimes wonder if anyone could ever stay for all of it. And then I get so scared about it that I try to find the flaws in the other person. I try to find conspiracies, I think that their love for me just has to be a trick and at some point they'll be like "haha you thought I loved you, heck no, I was just making fun of you" (as unrealistic as that might sound). Maybe it was the bullying that led to this thinking, maybe it is just the inherent insecurities, I don't know. But it's beginning to infiltrate genuinely good things.

The girl I'm currently dating is wonderful. Like truly wonderful. She likes me for who I am. She appreciates me. She doesn't ever leave me second guessing. I know I can trust her. But I'm still looking for reasons to leave sometimes. I'm so scared of someone leaving before I do that I jump from the train first. And I'm so tired of it. I don't want to keep running from truly good things just because my anxiety tells me to do so. I want to be brave and face my fears and try to trust that not everyone is going to hurt me. Not everyone has bad intentions. Sometimes I just have a hard time accepting it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to have those fears. But it's important to push through them, so you don't miss out on something great. Because you deserve to have something great (no matter what your head tells you).

Wishing you good luck on the way,

xxx Sarah